Not What I Thought...

Well, if you're partial to my Facebook status this week, you know (or maybe you don't) that my gramma passed away.  I was planning on sitting down and writing to you about her, but I just can't get my thoughts straightened out yet to tell you.  It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not as ready as I thought.  I hope to soon though, because you should know how awesome she was :)

This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15.  I have no interest in rushing the grieving process.  I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on.  I don't want life to go on.  I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone.  I don't want her to be a memory.  I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move.  I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it.  Not yet.

I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt.  So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :)  A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to."  "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to."  Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they?  The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable.  Who else does that?  Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.

And this is where I get stuck.  I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again.  I'm not ready.  Talking about her will have to wait.

Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by.  He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed.  I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg.  W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death.  I can't say how special he is.

I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week?  I sold out.. completely.  All gluten-free items!  It was fantastic.  A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation.  I had repeat customers, and new ones.  I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies.  I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.

Today I had a day just for myself.  I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time.  It was perfect.

Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W.  Cross your fingers.  I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.

I think I'll call it a night.  I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)
Goedenacht.

A Question Of Life

This is a bit heavy for introspection on a Sunday morning; I meant to write this last night but.. well.. forgot.  After work I kicked back with a movie and headed straight to bed.  So.. today it shall be.

I had a patient last night who didn't eat their dinner.  Nursing requested a substitution that I had to get approval for before delivering.  They were on a special diet - DMMOD, K50, PRO50, NA100 (no added sugar, low salt, low protein and potassium).  I called nursing to ask what they had/hadn't eaten on their tray to take in account for the carbs (I have to match carb level on the original tray).  Nursing said they were just diagnosed fully palliative (whatever you have is going to kill you, you're at end-of-life care), so they can eat what they want (at lunch they had ice cream!) :)  So.. cool.. I brought the requested item/substitution.

My question is this.... if you were diagnosed palliative, would you still respect your body and eat properly, or would you go full out?  Don't answer what you morally think you would answer, but answer the way you think you would *actually* act.  Hmm.. got you thinking, don't I?  I don't know the diagnosed time limit for that patient, so we'll leave that open (could be 6 months, could be 2 years).  What are you asking yourself?  What are your parameters?  Would you eat whatever you wanted?  Would you still eat within reason?  Would you eat within reason and cheat sometimes?  Are you highly medicated and without pain?  I asked a couple of co-workers and I got interesting responses; one said if what they ate didn't provide physical discomfort they would cheat, but otherwise eat somewhat properly.  Another said they would eat mostly properly and not go all out - if they did, what if that time limit extended to say.. 5 years?  You wouldn't deserve those 5 years.  Interesting.  What do you think?

I also witnessed a patient fall this week.  I hate that.  It's heartbreaking.  I get very upset very quickly when I see a fall.  I don't know what it is; is it the body giving into involuntary actions resulting in hurt (usually, to some extent)?  Is it not being able to help?  I don't know.  But it pains me.

I also had another incident with a patient; I was delivering HS Nourishments (bedtime snacks for diabetics) and walked into my pt's room (elderly) and she was crying.  I could have easily just walked out.  Maybe I should have.  But.. I asked what was wrong (this isn't typical behaviour of said pt) and it turns out she just found out her husband has liver cancer.  She was in shock.  Visibly upset.  Distraught.  A lot of in-shock/just-received-bad-news rambling.  So... I decided to drop everything I was doing and just... listen.  Nothing existed outside of that room.  She needed to talk to someone and I was the first person in that room after she heard the news.  She went on about how her husband was such a good man and now she's going to have to live in a home because she can't live alone at home (she's on dialysis) and she lost her son to cancer at 34, to which she got more upset (ugh.. that one hit me.  That's 2 years younger than me!).  I prayed quickly while she was talking as to what I should do.  So after I got her attention and got her to pause a minute, I gently told her not to put the horse before the cart and she doesn't know yet what his prognosis is, how advanced, etc.  "That's true," she said and took a breath.  Still upset, but not as.... freaking out like she was before.  I stayed with her a couple more minutes, had a few words, and left.  It was a little difficult to hold back my own tears, but I was able to.  But man.. it stuck with me the rest of the night.  Still does, really.  She's Dutch and reminds me a lot of my gram.  There is always someone in the hospital somewhere that will remind you of someone.. and that's good, it's humbling.  It reminds you why you're there.  You're helping to take care of someone's significant other (mother, father, aunt, sister, brother, cousin, friend or grandparent).

Well, on that note... I've gotta go to Mass!  Sorry to leave you with something heavy.  Will try to write lighter next time :)  Have a good Sunday!  Spend it with someone you care about, who cares about you.. or even do some self-care.  You deserve it.

Life And Death

Made it to the funeral this morning; we'll call him E.M.  It was really the first full Catholic Mass funeral I'd been to/participated in (there was one a long time ago but it's a long story and I was still new to the faith).  Where I've been used to funerals being celebrated in dole old funeral homes (I grew up United), ours are celebrated at church.  A fitting place, I think.  I found the Catholic funeral to be.. comprehensive.  I liked it.  A lot more involved, of course, than the funerals I am used to, but not in a burdensome way, just... different.

I'm sure I'd mentioned at some point about my "very good" containment of emotions; at funerals as a child (I went to so many), I never cried.  I'd always saved that for later, if at all, outside public gatherings.  I'd well up, sure, but nothing exagerant.  The last funeral I'd been to, if I remember, was my (maternal) grandma's.  That was quite some time ago.  I remember it a bit.  Don't think I was too emotional for that one, either.  But I cried for E. today.  He was a man that lived the Faith by example and Father coined his words about him perfectly (after reading the Beatitudes, so fitting for E.); what he did, he did in the background.  The Faith was so much about who he was and he involved himself in so many things, helping so many people.  Never needing recognition (although he received it), but because that's what you do - love your fellow man.  He's one of those people you can't say anything bad about; there just wasn't anything bad to say.  He had a good heart.  He was one of the first people I got to know and he was an instrument in encouraging my Faith in the Church (he helped teach my RCIA class) so he was among the handful of special ones for me.  God love him, and may he rest in peace now with our Lord.

It's natural to sit there and think about your own mortality, perhaps giving you a sober look into your current life.  What would they say at my funeral?  Am I living my life the best way I know how?  Am I being a positive contributor? etc, etc.  Surprisingly, I'm satisfied with some (though not all) of my own answers, but there's always room for improvement, right?  That's what growth is all about.

Anyways, enough sadness.  The rest of the day shall be celebrating life.  I may be getting together with friends this evening (hopefully) and I'm looking forward to that.  If not, well, I'll find a way to be productive somehow.

It's the long weekend here and a time to relax.  I hope you're having a great start to the weekend.  Spend it with family, friends.. or maybe you have a garden to tend to?  BBQ's to go to?  In any case, be safe.  And wear sunscreen! :)