Change of Course

I originally started writing this post yesterday or the day before and my emotions were at a bit of a low.  They've improved slightly so I am better to write today than before.

The past couple days has seen me change my priorities and course in life.  I was testing a recipe late last week and it didn't turn out (end product appearance wise, not taste-wise) and I kind of lost it.  The only thing I could worry about was how much money I was 'wasting' every time something didn't turn out.  Long story short... we don't have the funds right now for me to start a business and all it involves, so I will be actively looking for a job.  Speaking of which, I applied for a super one over the weekend that would be a perfect fit, so I'll ask for your prayers and positive thoughts, please!! :)  The job closed yesterday, so we'll see after that.

I'm sad with this change, though.  I feel as if I'm leaving yet another dream behind.  It scares me.  I don't want to get lost in another dead-end job, just trying to get by, trying to figure myself and life out, hoping to make enough money to make ends meet (well really, anything would be more than I'm making now) and just clocking enough time until retirement.  I'm scared I'll never come back to it again. Perhaps if that's what's meant to be, I should accept it.  Will I ever stop baking?  No.  I love it too much.  Will I still test recipes to use for sale?  Definitely... but when I'm ready and don't feel the stress of "if it doesn't work out, there's another x-€ down the drain".  Yes, I know every time I bake it's a learning experience.. blah blah blah.. but it doesn't take away what was bothering me at the core.  Since I've changed my thinking I feel a lot lighter and I have more headspace now for other things that have been also a priority (language, finding a job, etc), so it was the right decision.  We're making other cost-cutting ideas and putting them into place, one of which is me holding my membership at the gym.  That also made me sad because I am afraid I might not see my friend as often (we meet twice a week), but we share the same concern so I think we'll schedule time together outside of that. It will also force me to channel my efforts elsewhere to fill the need to be social. There is an organization I've been meaning to get in contact with for volunteering, so hopefully that will turn out.

W. has a birthday coming up on the 20th. I believe he shares a birthday with our friend W.W ;)  I have an idea what I might get him, but I'm not sure what to bake for him. Wait.. I think I have an idea.  *drums fingers together evily*

Everything else is fine.  The weather today is dreary, raining off and on.  Spring and summer - a state of perpetual hair frizziness.  #welcometotheNetherlands

The 4th saw Dodenherdenking (or Remembrance Day) and the 5th saw us with Bevrijdingsdag (or Liberation Day).  We went to a big party in a biiiiiiig park (think the entire square footage of Guelph University campus) where there were multiple music acts and stuff going on. I took a couple pics and can try to post sometime.  The crowds were so much we had to leave, I just coudn't do it anymore.   

Mother's Day on Sunday and we're heading with W's parents to Kruidhof. It's a botanical garden place (all outdoors, I believe) one town over.  I've never been but it seems pretty.  If you click the link and scroll down there's a video (you won't understand it but it's nice to watch) and there's a tab at the top to select English, though you don't get the whole site, just a condensed synopsis.  I believe if you run a foreign language page through Chrome it'll interpret it for you.

I'm already planning my one-year party - July 4th, except we're going to hold it on Sunday the 6th in the afternoon.  I will be sending out an email soon asking people to reserve the date.

Well, I have a lot of language I want to practice today before choir, so I better get moving.  Almost the end of the week.  Hope it's been good to you!

Still Alive

Hey all.  Haven't written much these days.  Dealing with ... stuff.  I like to throw a quote or two your way though, as you see, to let you know I'm still alive.

How are you?  How's your week going?  We got freezing rain here last night which made for slightly slippery roads, but it's dissipated since and now it's just.. cold. I spent the evening with friends that are family and I feel a bit better; a bit more grounded.  Content.

Is it just me, or is Christmas sneaking up on people?  I haven't even begun to think about Christmas shopping.  I have doubt about how much I'll be able to buy for presents; I'm still paying off Babu (which will be paid off in a couple weeks) and I've got to pay down a bit on the credit cards.. so.. I don't know.  I'm trying to think of an alternative to buying, but.. what?  I could bake.. but.. is that too.. predictable?  Common?  I have to buy for the parents, and my niece and soon-to-be-nephew (SO excited)..so I don't have much money outside of that.  I seriously need to marry rich.. sigh.. money just doesn't grow on trees.  Hmm.. I do like to entertain, so maybe I'll hold a big dinner?  An idea.  All I really want to do is spend time with people anyways.

My faith, after a brief hiatus, continuously increases albeit slowly.  I still have problems with some things, but right now it just seems a bit.. easier again.  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before rising.   /crypticness

Cards.  I was looking for Christmas cards last night and didn't see any I like.  This is something I DO like to do, so I've gotta get on that.  I mean, are we REALLY near the end of November already?!  What just happened?

Applying for a second job is not going well; I'm not getting in anywhere.  I'm only mildly frustrated.  Give it time :P

I've succeeded in losing a few pounds.  Not much!  But a start.  Eating (mostly) Gluten Free is helping.  It's giving me encouragement to keep going.

Anyways folks, take it easy.  Stay safe if the weather is bad; dress warm; prepare.  Have a good rest of the week!

I Broke It

I broke my Lent.  I had bacon today with brunch.

And it was glorious.

To be fair, today's a Feast day, so if I understood CZ yesterday, I am allowed.  I wanted to try it, really, because my stomach has not been doing well still, for the past couple weeks and I've been wondering if it's per lack of protein.  Today I'll make a heavy protein day and see what happens (so far it's been positive!).  I've already had half my usual protein.  CZ reminded me that sometimes we do things for ourselves even though we have the best of intentions of doing it for ourselves or for other people (me: giving up meat for dietary reasons, dedicating it to T.) but perhaps what I needed to give up was my pride (realizing I may not be able to go without meat because it's hurting my system too much.  Did any of that make sense?).  That was a hard pill to swallow (what? I'm human to a fault).  Today had been 16 days without meat.  If today continues to go well, I'll have to experiment if I can keep high protein without meat and have the same results, or if I will in fact have to program meat back in.  We'll see!

What else do I need to write about...

I'm finally starting to detox, de-stress and relax.  Of course, the time I do this, my vacation week is almost over and it's back to work Monday.  I will do my best to adapt to a laisez-faire sort of attitude and relax with what time I have left.  There might even be baking today!

Yesterday was nice catching up with a couple of friends I haven't seen in a while, and brunch with one today. I wonder if that's what started to help me unwind - human connection.  Good 'ol girl time.

Today will be filled with bookkeeping and finances.  I need to get my taxes done and do some budgeting and figure out what I really can afford to take on as far as vehicular expenses go.  Wish me luck.

Doctors.  Bloody, bloody doctors.  I hate them all.  I went to see my obgyn yesterday to discuss screening for endometriosis (per my app't with the GI thinking we may need to investigate that).  Well, she doesn't go "looking for it" and she threw me in the classification of "well, everyone has pain during their cycle" and "everyone's bowels are affected by their cycle".  Really?  I must not be the same cause when I gave her an analogy of the pain I'm having, she was a bit taken aback.  So, I can see this is going to go well.  Can you imagine?  My IBS as a result of stupid endometriosis?  The con: treated with hormones, which I DON'T want.  Anyways, I can rant forever about this and I don't want to right now, so... sorry 'bout that.

Canada will be going into election territory in May.  We're displeased.  The current government is toppling and we don't want Mr. Harper in power anymore, yet no one wants to go to the polls (they're far too frequent here, I fear).  So this will be interesting.

Well, daylight's burning so I better get my shit done.  It's Friday!!  For some of you, that's a blessing, for those who work this weekend, sorry :(  Hang in there.  It's sunny here (though very cold), so try and enjoy the day!

I'm Not AWOL

Hello!

I feel it's been forever since I've written.  I was afraid the internets wasn't out there anymore. So much has been going on...

Where do I start?  Well, lets start with the idea I had about this whole restaurant business.  It's still a current passion, though achieving it is no less an easy task.  It seems to be going at a minuscule rate.  I think I realize by my parents not saying anything to my request, are essentially saying no.  Why?  I'm not too sure yet and I'll broach that when the time is right.  On the upside, my brother is willing to sell me his car.  Bonus.  It's affordable, it might need some work, though, which I'm calculating.  I've applied to a bakery/cafe down the street, so I'm hoping for a second job - in the industry.  Having a car will help me get from A to B quicker than on feet.  The only downside of this car (to me), is that it's manual.  Ugh.  My city is so hilly that having a standard proves challenging (though not impossible, of course).  I've driven one before, but on back roads and parking lots; not on city streets (eek!).  But, it's a cool car so I'd be crazy not to take it.  As a side note, I've also been comparing leasing a new car - where repairs won't cost anything, as they would with an older vehicle.  But, the monthly payment would be higher than what I'd have to pay my brother (plus insurance, etc).  If I have a second job, I'm not at all worried about numbers, but I can't guarantee on that yet - unless miracles happen - fast.  So do I lease (new or used), which would cost me more a month but less in repairs, or buy my brothers which would cost less a month but possibly more in repairs?  I'm only looking at these two options (for various reasons that I won't go into at this point).

I have to write a separate paragraph for calling for insurance.. cause.. it was that special.  And when I say special, I mean frustrating.  I got asked like, 20 personal questions.  "You need this information for a quote?" I said.  Apparently.  I was on that bloody phone for almost half an hour (she was slow).  Do I want /something/ coverage for $1,000,000 or $2,000,000?  Do I want a $500 deductible?  $1000?  Do I want Accidental Forgiveness?  Theft coverage? Plus a whole new gamut of terms I'd never heard of or understand to a common degree.  Gah!  I don't know what all of this means!  And I don't even think 10 of me equals close to $1,000,000 - so I don't know what that's about.  And how do I know if I want the 500 or 1000 deductible on whatever option?  It was enough to drive me already-crazy.  So many new things to learn.

Babu is shedding like a mad fiend.

Anyways, with the restaurant idea, I'll willing to accept that life may take me in another direction.  I hope not; it's something I'd really like to do.  But things change.  Life changes.  I know what I *want* to do, but however that is executed may remain fluid.

Lent.  Vegetarianism is going quite well, actually, without much effort.  I'm a bit surprised.  But then, I'm barely a week in.  I'm starting to crave chicken a bit, I won't lie, but I try not to think about it too much.  I've looked in one of my books (The Enlightened Eaters Whole Foods Guide - a must-read. Very informative about nutritional information of food, listed and described at the beginning of the book) and I tagged a few recipes.  Hope to go shopping for them soon.  I'm anxious to try new recipes!  You'll be interested to know that since I've gone meatless, it's changed my approach to food.  I don't eat as much sweets as I did before.  I'm more conscious what I put in my body and try to make sensible choices.  I was, though, struggling a bit with my sugar ('was' because I got severely sick 2 nights ago and haven't had a normal appetite since, so I'm a little off track).  So I'd eat more, like one wants to when their sugar feels low, but then I'm over-eating, even if it's healthy, because I'm filling a ... false void, if you will.  So I don't know how to get around that one.  Oh, and my no-swearing rule for Lent is.. faulty at best.  I just might have to not observe it at work; there's so much frustration there some days I can't help it.

Y'know what I dislike?  What I REALLY dislike?  I mean.. it drives me crazy.  Ron Sexsmith's hair.  I'm not even lying.  I've had to look at it for the past few days on the CBC website (I listen to the online radio) and it's making me mental.  He has so much hair!  And it's a mess!  I just want to... grabs hunks of it and rip it off! Or at least give him a haircut!  Sheesh!   /rant

Very unfortunate what's going on in Japan.  I hope the world community keeps reaching out.

I want to dye my hair.  I dislike the grays coming in.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do (if anything) for my 35th birthday (in April).  35.  Eesh.

I have no men stories.  So sad.

Well, I can't think of anything else I need to write about.  Hope y'all are having a good Monday.  The sun's out here!  A pleasant surprise.  Heard it's supposed to reach 10*C mid-week, so definitely looking forward to that.

I Have A Dream....

Where do I start...

I'll begin by saying Sunday was great; Mass was good (though we botched one of the songs in choir.. ugh) and had a few laughs thanks to another choir member, then I met with my brother's girlfriend and I took us out for breakfast and I drove back home with her so I could visit with my parents.  I've had an idea brewing the past few weeks and I needed to talk with them for their help and support.

I'll skip the semantics (and long story) about how the idea came into play, but the long and the short of it is that I'd like to open my own little restaurant here in town.  When the idea occurred to me, it just felt *right*.  A series of successive events unfolded to show me, what I believed to be a sign, of how things are/were going to go for this new path for me.  To preface this, my parents are opening their second restaurant at the end of April.  My idea was to come work for them - learn the business, receive proper and adequate coaching on managing, business operations etc so I would be prepped in a year/year & a half to open my own.  I was SO excited about this new idea, I was ready to burst.  It was hard for me not to discuss it with anyone (I only broached it with a few close friends for immediate feedback).  The discussion has be had, so I can be open about it with the rest of the universe.

The idea in itself is foolproof and genius - what better way to learn the business but from the comfort and direction of family.  Unfortunately, reality kicks in.  Biggest obstacle: I don't have a car (their town is about a 20 min drive away) and to work the two jobs (I wouldn't drop the hospital) would be impossible without one.  So I've been asking the universe to bring me a car.  Though if God planted this 'wonderful' idea in my head, it's a wonder why He doesn't help me out a bit more (what? you mean I have to WORK for my dream? pish posh :P) <-- me being facetious.  My bubble has burst a little bit, though I suppose it was expected.  When we had the talk they asked a lot of questions - which I answered well (they might be my parents, but you could also think of it as a basic business meeting/interview.  They're tough but their intentions are good; they just want to make sure I've thought everything through) because I had conviction in my idea.  Downfall: they already have their staff (which I'd feared) and they have to watch their money (with the initial start-up), so they can't just hire me right away, even though I'm family. Not that I would expect them to!  But I don't want you to think that just because we're family, I'll get special treatment, per se.  Business comes first, right?  As how I would run my own.

So.... it's not happening as easily (ha! silly me) or as quickly as I'd have preferred. But I'm going to try not to get down.  When I told any immediate friends, they were *very* supportive and could see this is something that would fit well for me.  So... I have to keep testing those convictions.  F. suggested I go work in a kitchen close to home (there are a lot within a short walking distance) and get my bearings.  I could do that, work in a different kitchen setting but now in the context of what I plan to achieve instead of just working for something I enjoy (or used to) or am doing to 'pass the time'... if that makes any sense. Is that something I want to do?  Take up a second job?  Do I want to work in a kitchen, even if it means starting with doing dishes?  Am I ready to branch off from my security net? The last time I had a huge dream, it crumbled (and I'm not talking a couple buildings, but a massive earthquake).  I'm scared to trust; I'll just come out and say it.  I'm scared to trust The Path, I'm scared to trust The Process, I'm scared to trust myself and I'm scared to trust Him.

I wanted to acknowledge those fears, but it doesn't mean I won't go after my dream.  Watch out world, there might be a new restaurateur in town.

I'm not a good adult

I've got a few things on my mind, but I may make them in different posts.

This post is about how poor of an adult I think I've become, sometimes. I know, it sounds silly, and I should have more confidence. In most respects I do - I've come a long way and I'm getting more and more successful as time goes on - except in one area.

Money.

I'm gonna do the 'ol cop-out and blame my parents (you may or may not agree). Our conditioning starts when we're young and we're guided to be independent in however many different ways. Our parents tell us what's wrong (stealing), what's right (saying our please and thank you's), but for as much as I try to look back, I was never taught *anything* about money. It's easy to assume why; we never had any. I grew up on a small country farmstead where everything was rationed (milk, bread.. all the basics). Cheap meat was bought (I will never buy another porkchop as long as I live) and economic foods were prepared (I have now created pasta in ways that are sure enough to make me forget how I "used" to have it). I was never sat down, taught to save. My parents literally lived, I think, paycheck to paycheck.

Well, now so do I.

I never learned any other behaviour. And it isn't to say I make excess of x-amount of dollars a pay. I live within my means, alone. I pay rent one pay, hydro, cable, phone with the other (which easily can take up half a paycheck) and the rest is food and whatever minor socializing I do (coffee with friends, the odd dinner, etc). I would save, if I had something to save. Anyways.. I'm starting to ramble.

Back to the conditioning. How many of you were actually taught by your parents to learn to save money? Wisely spend? Have you had to learn on your own? How did you do that? What's the psychology behind it? (For me, I was so restricted as a kid, that I have a tendency, I think still, as an adult, to over-spend.. to make up for what I didn't have, right?) Which is ironic, because I'm not a materialistic person.

I grew up with my mother and step-father. On the other side of the family, my dad and step-mother have always done alright, and so have my (steps) brother and sister with them. Funny how that happens.

Well, those are part of my thoughts for today.

Later edit: I actually made this post because I accidentally mis-calculated when I was getting paid/have money (I know, it sounds retarded. One gets paid bi-weekly, it's not hard to figure out). But I did, and now after spending what I had, assuming I was getting paid this Friday, have nothing. Entertaining a close friend this weekend will be challenging. Hence my stress about money, then the post :)