Past Demons

So the other day when I received my new (old) phone from my dad (I got his old iPhone 4S since mine went kaput), there was a thumb drive in the box.  I was excited to look at the pictures, not even being able to imagine what they could have been of.

Ha!  They were of when I was a kid.  I'd say from around... 3? 4?  (Man, I was so adorable.)  To about... 13?  Maybe 14 is pushing it.  (Also, the haircut I had at a certain age.. I think it was around.. 10?  Will never. be. published.  I think my mother and I need to have a talk.)

First thing I notice:  I'm wearing shorts.  I don't mean just shorts, but short-shorts, that were characteristic of the 80's (and the jelly shoes.. omg.  Anyways..).  Following thought process: People who wear shorts or short-shorts are usually thinner.  Wait.. I was wearing short-shorts.  WAIT A MINUTE... I WAS......THIN! (Let me preface this by stating I wasn't "thin"  like skinny-people/skin-and/bones thin, but was very healthy and "normal" looking and nothing that would tell you I would have a future of being overweight).

Commence complex.

*flips through pictures*
Oh.. jelly bracelets.  I remember those.  Wow, I wore it all, didn't I?  The iconic 80's child.
Oh!  I *loved* that bathing suit!  Haha.. yeah.. we used that slip-n-slide a lot.
Wait.  Bathing suit.  Did I have a complex about my self-image in that bathing suit?  I don't *think* so.  But, maybe I did a little and I was too young to care.  I don't know.
Oh, there's dad's Labatt 50's on the picnic table.  God love him.  I remember one day when I was like.. 4?  He let me have a sip of that '50.  Thus my drinking career started early ;)
Pics of us in Algonquin Park.  We really did love that water.  I *loved* canoeing.
Wait.. I wore pixie boots?  Buahahaha.  Oh wow.
Aww.. my grandma and grandpa W. *sniff*

I knew I was different, but I couldn't place how.  I was significantly taller than most kids we hung out with at my dad's, including my (step, both) brother and sister.  They were short (I think I still have them beat.  My sister, anyways).  So I remember always feeling.. out of proportion (read: growing).  But *never* unhealthy and never... fat.  Fat came later.

I can't tell you the exact day or time things turned.  I can tell you by the pictures I started to put on a couple more pounds at around 13?  Definitely 14.  But I was still.. fairly 'normal' looking.  All I remember is being made to feel by family (more so the house I grew up in, than at my dad's)... not normal and always being "chunky" or having "a few extra pounds" or... /insert criticism here/.  I can inflect that it was a certain family member, but I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Demons.  I had voices in my head about not being enough at an age where I should have been told I *was* enough and that I *was* healthy, etc etc.  Someone decided to inflect their opinions and their own demons on MY life.  And of course, enter highschool where judgement is everywhere and it all went downhill from there.  The mental and emotional abuse that occurred in the home goes without saying (towards contributing).  Without a frequent enough support system and healthy way of viewing the self, I was pre-destined to fail.

Remember that complex I started having?  Well, I failed.  In this category, it has been a constant battle for 25 years.. and I failed.  I'm probably at my worse weight to date and have picked up extra health ailments along the way for fun.  Don't worry, the self-criticism will stop soon (another bonus from my past).  Now I have to re-write those demons.  Or really.. tell them to fuck off.  Because that's all they are.  Demons.  They're as big or as little as I want them to be.  HOW to tell them to take a hike, I haven't worked that out yet.  Is it that simple?  Do I just tell them they're not serving me anymore and to leave?  I don't know.  More of a stark realization, is seeing that they're mostly someone else's demons/voices.  Mine just learned to come along for the ride.  Oh, and of course pick up the slack when those real voices weren't as strong... cause... apparently I'm a glutton for punishment.  Learned behaviour is.. learned.  Always have some sort of negative attention.

Anyhoo... I can step back and realize I'm blessed I've seen the bigger picture.  I've seen it wasn't me.  I've seen I *was* enough just as I was at (eg) 8 years old.  I have a lot of work to sooth and console the inner child.  I'll need to give her some extra attention in the immediate future.  I'll challenge every self-critical thought I have.

What is the 'silver lining' that I so often see, here?  Hmm.  It's obviously made me who I am today, but I am quick to say that "that" part of me I don't love so much (quick with the self-criticism there).  But how else has it served me?  How else has it shaped who I've become?  This answer isn't so quick to the tongue, so I'll have to sit with it a while.

And by God, I'll do everything in my power to not become the 'parent' to W's 3 boys like how some others were parents to me.  I won't continue that pattern of handing-down demons.  I'm not perfect, and I might even fail sometimes, but I'll be quick to forgive and repair it when I can.

Challenge where your inner demons come from.  Ask yourself if they're serving you any purpose.  If they're not, tell yourself it's okay to let them go.  Really.  It's okay.

It's the First Sunday of Advent this weekend.  I do love Christmas in the Church; it's so magical.  Find your faith, whatever it is, and find those that care about you and surround yourself with them.  Life is too short to live by someone else's fears and anger.

Fa La La La La, La La La Laaaaaa...

I meant to come on here sooner and wish you a Merry Christmas, but I kind of failed at that.  Sorry!  So Merry belated Christmas.  Hope it was everything you needed and you were bestowed with the blessings that you deserve.

This Christmas was an awkward one.  No familiar faces, weather or traditions. I'll give you a 2-second background.  The Netherlands, as a whole, doesn't celebrate Christmas in any way like we do; there isn't the commercialism like we have back home (which I'm thankful for).  Christmas is for Christians and for going to church.  As far as I understand it, not about presents or things like that (as a rule; but not every house is like this. Some do celebrate and have gatherings!).  So no matter what we did, it didn't feel right.  Which isn't to say I didn't enjoy myself, but just different, y'know?  We opened our presents Christmas Eve evening (I got an mp3 player! It'll help a lot at the gym!) because Christmas Day we got up and out the door for Mass.  Then his parents picked us up at the church and we spent the day with them.  They even added to my snowman collection :)  Best of all, they got us a new toy.  Okay, it was addressed to us, but really it's for me ;)

A Philips (his dad works there) 3-in-1 food processor/blender/grinder.  I was speechless.  I needed these products *so bad*.  In fact, I even hugged the box (they've got a pic of that, conveniently).  I've even contemplated giving it a name.....

Well, not much else to say today.  I've got some organizing to do.  I might start slowly taking decorations off the tree.  We're hosting a brunch Sunday so I have to plan for that to shop for it tomorrow *and* head to IKEA to exchange under-the-cupboard lights.  I swear, we should have stocks in that company by now for the amount of times we're there.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  I met with Father from church (the meeting I mentioned before) and it went well!  In fact, he emailed the choir director introducing me; I wrote her back... and it looks like I'm now in the St. B choir.  Eek!  Next rehersal is Jan 9th, I think.  I asked her if she saw any problems with my low Dutch vocabulary to which I got the response, "Well, learn it!" (So Dutch.)  And I am... but since I've been learning general vocab and food vocab, I now have to learn music vocab.  She said she has an Italian with her and she does fine, so I should be okay.  And it's funny how I'm approaching it; I am resisting change so much and so worried about how I'm not going to understand things and figure I'll get overwhelmed and lose track and.. and... and I never stop to think that maybe people will be patient and understanding and it won't be such a difficult transition after all.  So I'm trying to keep an open mind. 

Cultural Differences: to note (before Christmas is REALLY over); Christmas trees - are (9 times out of 10) decorated with white lights, not Multi-coloured.  Heaven forbid you decorate your tree with coloured lights ("it's not as pretty") or - gasp - twinkling lights.  lol.  Hearing some of their comments make me giggle (though I do like white lights...).   There is your random information of the day.

Up and moving I go!  Hope you're having a great week!

Thankful

Good morning!  Happy Monday!  How are you recovering from the weekend?  There was a lot going on I hear; house-warming parties, wine tours.  My goodness you're a social bunch ;) 

Yesterday I held my (late) Thanksgiving dinner for a party of 6.  I was of two minds about it after last week's post/breakdown; I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded by a few people or if I wanted time by myself, and When we arrived at the butcher Friday to pick up the turkey we were surprised; we ordered a 3 kilo turkey.  We were presented with 6.9 kilos. That's over a 15 lb turkey! For 6 people!  (Woo! Leftovers!)  That was the smallest they could find and they did give us a fair deal, price wise.  So we lugged out turkey home and found room for it in the fridge. 

There was plenty of food on the table and everyone was quite sated.  Turkey, ciabatta pancetta and apple stuffing (I made the night before and it was a hit), carrots, mashed potatoes, buns, green beans.  For dessert there was a simple apple crisp and (homemade) Toblerone Semifreddo (semifreddo = 'half frozen', similar to ice cream).  I have to say they were a perfect combination.  Then tea and winding down. 

His parents were sweet and got me a couple of small Friesian-style gifts (welcoming me to the country, STILL, after almost being here 4 months).  Of the friends that came (a married couple), she gave me a food item (for my recipes) I've had a hard time locating.  I've definitely been blessed to be around such generous people.  It was a very 'gezellig' (cozy) evening. 

Part of me is still very hesitant to get close to these people.  I've just left my home base and I'm conscious enough to not want to fill the gaping void with just anyone.  These people aren't just anyone, but I think it's taking a while for my head to catch up with my heart.  All part of the adjustment.

Speaking of which, I've been making more of a mental conscious effort to acknowledge my move/change and it's going well.  Much better than before, actually.  I'm trying to remain more in the moment than in my head.  Success.

I still miss Babu.

We had a time change this weekend.  And guess what.. they do it on a *Saturday*, not a Sunday.  I always joke w/W. that they do everything backwards.  Not this one.  It would make getting to work at the proper time on a Monday morning go *much more* stress free!  They've got it right!

Very windy today (gail force winds up to 120+km/hr) but sunny, so I might just chance going out for a walk.  If you don't hear from me in a day, send out the search and rescue ;)

Have a great day!

Starting Over

There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"

I can't decide.

With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think.  I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional.  Except not so much to them, as to myself.  I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months.  With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves.  Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing.  After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness.  So it's time for me to get honest.  Brutal truth, guys.  Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/

I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points.  Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge). 

I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'. 

Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it.  Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job).  Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over.  Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider.  Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive.  Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.

Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block.  Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind.  Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language.  Success is admitting overwhelm.  Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways.  Success is being gentle with yourself.  Repeatedly.  Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation.  Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).

It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do.  What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin?  That's the hard part.  So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective.  This is a big deal.  There is a lot of effort involved.  It will take a lot of time.  I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me.  Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it).  I'm okay with there having to be effort.  There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure).  Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it. 

On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride.  I hope you're having a fabulous week!


** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.

So You Think You're Envious?

Common phrases I'm told is that people are envious, how brave I am, what a great thing it is I'm doing, how happy I'll be.

This?  This right now, is not happy.  This right now is done with dealing with people who AREN'T GETTING THAT I'M LEAVING.  This, right now, is done with people who don't seem to care about how I've worked with them for 5.5 years and treat my last day with them as any other.  This, right now, is done with family who have only starting to attempt making plans 3 WEEKS BEFORE I LEAVE.  This, right now, is me **so** stretched thin, that I barely have everyone and every thing covered before I go.  This right now..is me so stressed out that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3 weeks.

This is the dark side of moving somewhere far away.  Yes, there will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but it's not all fun and roses.  To pick up your entire life, leave everything and everyone behind is not easy and causes very painful moments.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

A Quiet Christmas

Well, the plague 'o death slightly lessens as I attempt to feel human.  Or at least, dress and try to disinfect this place so it doesn't linger any longer than necessary.  Still very tired, but don't want to over-sleep or I won't sleep at night.  Will nap before attempting Midnight Mass tonight.

So.. let's back up to the consulate visit last week.  It went very well!  And.. quite easy.  I didn't have to ask a single question; she intuitively knew I wanted to know if I was still a Dutch national.  And set my pants on fire... I am!  BUT.. I have to do paperwork to keep it.  Before Mar. 27/2013, cause that's when they change their laws.  Again (I've never met a country so finicky).  Did I mention in the 3 months some of that paperwork takes 2 months?  I stressed out just a little with that.  I've already started some paperwork, so we'll see what happens.  If this is the case, it would make a WHOLE lot of things easier.  So.. let's think positive :)

Christmas.  Bah.  It hasn't been a very joyous one for me this year.  Away from W., not being at the church (sick) and let alone can't sing (per said sickness).  It feels very lacking.  I asked my family if we could get together since this would be my last Christmas here, but they failed at that.  We aren't getting together until New Years, if even then.  That's not Christmas.  It's New Years.  Fail.  So, a friend and work colleague invited me to help her in the kitchen with her family Christmas, but it all depends how I'm feeling.  It wouldn't be fair to go like this, infect everyone and not have the energy to socialize.  So, I don't know.  But I really don't want to spend it alone.

I've felt really bad for not sending out Christmas cards, but as I look at my Christmas card holder I only have 3 on it (when it's usually full and brimming over), so I see I'm not the only one feeling busy or overwhelmed this time of year.  I wonder what it is.  That makes it universal, I mean.

I had 3 cats in my apartment today.  My neighbours across the hall are away and I'm looking after the boys. I felt so bad for not spending time with them (being sick, staying in) that I brought them over.  It's not their first time over, but it's their first extended stay.  It went well!  Everyone got along and they hung out.  It was fun.

Well, I think I've run out of things to talk about.  I hope everyone's Christmas plans are going well and you're spending the holidays with those you love.  Merry Christmas to your and yours.. and keep it a safe one :) xoxo

P.S - I can't close out, of course, without attaching the Hallelujah chorus, which I WILL be singing tonight.  Deathbed or no deathbed.  Oh.. good 'ol Andre Rieu..

Blessings.

Not What I Thought...

Well, if you're partial to my Facebook status this week, you know (or maybe you don't) that my gramma passed away.  I was planning on sitting down and writing to you about her, but I just can't get my thoughts straightened out yet to tell you.  It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not as ready as I thought.  I hope to soon though, because you should know how awesome she was :)

This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15.  I have no interest in rushing the grieving process.  I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on.  I don't want life to go on.  I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone.  I don't want her to be a memory.  I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move.  I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it.  Not yet.

I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt.  So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :)  A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to."  "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to."  Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they?  The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable.  Who else does that?  Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.

And this is where I get stuck.  I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again.  I'm not ready.  Talking about her will have to wait.

Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by.  He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed.  I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg.  W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death.  I can't say how special he is.

I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week?  I sold out.. completely.  All gluten-free items!  It was fantastic.  A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation.  I had repeat customers, and new ones.  I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies.  I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.

Today I had a day just for myself.  I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time.  It was perfect.

Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W.  Cross your fingers.  I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.

I think I'll call it a night.  I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)
Goedenacht.

Random

Bleh.  I had a bad day at work (we thought I was cursed) and came home, had a light, quick nap, ran a couple errands, came home, had a small glass of scotch.  You know things aren't good if I'm bringin' out the scotch (not to imply "end of the world" bad, just "I'm irritated and I can't take a single thing more" bad).  If it was "end of the world bad" I'd be kickin' back a lot more than scotch ;)

Chilled out, watched Chasing Amy, which lightened my mood a bit.  Many minor irritations were had before, and I started to have thoughts and flashbacks from last night's conversation with my mother.  I think about it and I get angry.  But my anger goes beyond the phone call.  The anger goes back 20 years and I'm dealing with a lot of inner shit I really don't care to.  The worst thing is the anger won't go away overnight.  It won't be solved with one lightbulb moment...and *that's* what makes me angry.  The past I can separate from; it's wanting it off my coattails, unable to kick it off that the frustration comes in.  It's a lingering ghost that's overstaying his welcome.

Well, it's a good thing it's bedtime.  There will always be time to battle more demons tomorrow.

Can you believe the week is almost over?  Where did it go?

Healing

So, it was a most excellent weekend spent with friends and family :)

Saturday I was able to whip up a batch of Shortbread Chocolate Chip Cookies (melt in your mouth) and had a friend over in the evening for dinner and a bit of football watching.  Sunday I was Mass and breakfast and headed home to meet a friend at the pub quickly to pick up a stained glass piece she did for me, then I had to get home 'cause my sister was coming to pick me up to see the new baby.  He's so adorable.  So... we spent time in the hospital with baby and the new parents (I got to hog him and hold him for what seemed like forever... and Ienjoyedeveryminuteofit).  Oh look - there's that healing circle I was talking about :)  We rallied and sat around the bed and talked, shared birthing stories.  Then the new parents rested while the rest of us held down the fort/took care of baby/answered phones/took care of carpooling other's kids to-and-from, etc.  I myself, came away grounded after visiting the family.

Today I'm doing my own sort of healing (with food!) and cooking a stew in the oven; it takes 4 hours.  I think about how we (past and present) rally around in the kitchen for meals; the kitchen, when used, is the warmest part of the house (in winter).  Unfortunately, Babu doesn't share in my desire to 'share stories over the cutting board'; he just gets greedy and comes to pick up potato peelings :)

I'm going to go spend more time in the kitchen; it's the most enjoyable place for me to be right now.  I've got veggies to chop up for snacking and a chickpea salad to make for lunches.  Stay warm and attempt to stay stress-free the week before Christmas.  Spend time with who makes you happy.  Don't lose the art of story-telling; share your stories and reconnect with those close to you.

I'm an Auntie!

Joyous, blessed day!  I'm an auntie again!  My baby (step) brother (who's only a year younger than me) is a father!  Baby boy Cameron was born into this world 8lb 8oz Dec 17th, 11:11pm... and he's beautiful :)

This calls for a toast!  Where's my hot chocolate....

Reflection (and Technology Angst)

So.. I've had a case of information-overload, technology-induced anxiety (and I mean literal anxiety - to the point of shaking/being jittery).  The source of most of my mental problems right now revolves around my computer.  I kid you not.  I'm constantly putting off tasks (electronic, or otherwise) that I normally wouldn't put off.  I mean, I'm a pretty damn good procrastinator, but even this phase goes in the Hall of Fame for putting things off.  My apartment isn't as clean as it used to be; my dusting abilities are slacking,  things are disorganized, objects not resting at their proper home, papers not filed.  It's driving my OCD nuts!

The problem is I'm getting too much information and I don't know what to do with it.  It sounds silly in this age of technology that we're in; one would think that one would certainly be used to it by now.  The thing is, I don't want to be (used to it).  I don't want all the information.  I really DON'T need the CONSTANT updates on Facebook about every single thing my friends are doing, commenting, or 'liking'!  I really don't!  And to tell you, if I could quit Facebook tomorrow, I would!  I DON'T like that everyone can (likewise) see what I'm doing; there's no privacy.  Unfortunately, that's all anyone's tapped into these days, so if I want to know what's going on, or mass-communicate to my friends... Facebook's the only way to do it.  Not enough of my friends are on G+, unfortunately (which has more privacy/feed controls).  Then, say, there are new blogs I'm interested in, so I get feeds from them, or texts, the ever popular method of communication (and mine too, really, so it's hard to complain about this, though at times it can be excessive).  And so on, and so on.

When I was a kid, my dad was (and still is, really) in the technology sector.  Apple, to be exact.  The first computer the kids were allowed to play on was the Mac; and I mean, the little square one.  Remember those?  We'd play 'Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?' :)  The very first computer I owed was an Apple IIe (I was the first of all my friends to own a personal computer).  I loved and hated that computer at the same time.  So I'm saying... I've had a lot of time to adjust.  But the more time goes on, the more technology and information gathered and fed through computers, increases.

For a long time now I've wanted to live away from metropolises and be surrounded by nature instead of cars, buildings and city noise (though I can't complain in my current area).*  My 'getaway' place in my head is beautiful; I'll share it with you:  It's a log cabin, surrounded in a valley by mountains.  A river runs through the property and we (yes, 'we' ~ though don't ask me who the 'he' is in the 'we') have just a few animals; sheep (I magically learn how to shear, spin and knit), a cow for milking, cow for beef, a horse (though I don't *love* horses, so I'm not sure why I see one.  To go riding maybe?), a magically reproducing log pile for our fireplace inside.  I do everything on my little homestead (canning, etc) and we're far enough away from the city to have quiet, but close enough should we need essential items, emergency care, etc.  I don't see the world outside of the circle of mountains, though, just inside it :)  The Apocalypse would be going on and I wouldn't know :P  Oh, but I do need to mention - if you visit, please leave everything as it were; I'd hate for things to be out of place when I return ;)

So my point, short of rambling, is I need to somehow create my oasis until I actually get it.  I need to learn to shut off the computer, walk away and do something productive (and/or read one of the hundred books I have on the go).  I've been doing well on weekends I work, I usually won't turn it on; fortunately I can get email on my phone, so I communicate through that if absolutely needed.  There are new things I'd like to do to the apartment, so maybe I'll get around to those this winter.  Paint?  Hang different curtains?  We'll see.

So if I'm neglecting your email, please know that it doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you.  I totally am.  I am just in a state of avoidance.  It's not personal :)



* Though to confuse you further, there are times I love being in the city.  I've visited Toronto a couple times the past few months and part of me misses it (I used to live there).  I love the bustle, the energy, the having-everything-at-hand, the various people (oh there can be some interesting ones), etc, etc.  But as excited as I am to visit it, after a day I'm just as happy to leave.  I'm just not that person anymore.

Nathan (a long post)

It's late, I'm getting tired.  Too late for a tea, I'm afraid, or I'll be up all night (which I find extremely frustrating, because all I want right now is a damned tea).  But I feel like talking.  It's been a while since I've shared something personal with you.

I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, Nathan.  We grew up together from a young age (I'd say we met when we were about 5/6) having lived in the same townhouse complex.  Myself, him and his sister A., well, we were the three musketeers.  Inseparable.  I have pictures, I should scan one sometime.

There was never a dull day with us; one of us was always getting into trouble.  My parents had to remind me (when I was older) that one day Nathan hid his report card in the bush (not having done well, of course) and I pulled it out, questioning what it was, handing it over to my parents.  Ha.  Oops.  And our parents kind of disciplined the other's kids (their mom was much more easy going than mine was).  Poor Nathan, he was always getting into trouble.  I'm sure at one point he was standing in the corner (of *our* house), crying, having his mouth washed out with soap (I'm not even lying) for having said something inappropriate.  Or was that me?  I'm not sure.  Memory is sketchy from that age.  One day A. convinced me to use my Crayola purple finger paints and paint the walls - of our rented home - instead of paper.  *laughing*  Wow, I remember going from the top of the stairs, down the stairway (apparently it got on the carpet, too), sliding my gooey, purple hands aaaaaall the way down the wall of the stairs to the bottom.  I'm laughing about it now, but man, did we get in trou-ble!  Phew.  My mom was so pissed about having to clean all that up.  I didn't get any chocolate for Easter THAT year!  (We still talk about that story to this day and laugh.)

We didn't stay there long I don't think; a year or two, then we moved out into the country and A. and Nathan were still in the city.  We would visit; our families would get together.  I remember having them over for a fire (have pictures of that, too).  We would always goof around and we would ALWAYS be laughing.  Always, always laughing.

Spring ahead a few more years into our (early) teens (about 13/14).  I still lived in the country but would be in the city every other weekend to visit my dad.  Nathan and I started to get together more.  The anticipation I felt when I knew I was meeting up with him, the nervous jitters, the giddiness... but at the same time, not nervous.  He was one of my best friends to hang around with (even if we saw each other less as we grew).  There was a sort of peace being with him.  He felt like home.  I didn't care what we did, so long as we did it together.  He would treat me so well, I remember, always wanting the best for me.  He would take me out for lunch, talk, go for walks.  Oh the laughs we used to have.  I still remember to this day sitting together over lunch in this sort of fancy (well, for us kids) restaurant laughing over what was on our plates; the funny way the potato salad was arranged and he would (as always) crack jokes about stuff.  We were laughing so hard we were in tears, trying to catch our breath!  I smile now remembering it; his smile (heh, his braces!), his stark blue eyes, his blonde hair (that was buzzed short for cadets).  Vocalized or not at the time, we were dating.  I remember leaving him from one of our dates (it sounds so silly to call it a 'date' when so young); we were on the city bus sitting in the very back seat.  He got off first.  My eyes followed him as we drove off, turning around and waving to him out the back window.  He was smiling.  You know... that content, huge grin that someone brings to your face when you think of them.  I didn't like being away from him, but such were our realities.

One morning, I'm not sure what time (07:30?) when I was 14 (I was still sleeping of course) I heard someone come to the door.  My parents answered.  There was crying.  Still in my stupor, I knew something was wrong.  I knew who it involved and that dread filled and paralyzed me.  Soon enough, my mom gently knocked on my door, came in, sat at the side of the bed and told me Nathan had killed himself the night before; his parents found him on the floor in the basement family room, gun in hand (and a note I never got to read or hear much about, unfortunately).  I muttered some obscenities.  I cried.  I felt even more dread.  I was downright angry.  How dare he.  How DARE the one guy I felt at peace with and slowly fell in love with.. leave me!  We'd just started developing our friendship more, seeing each other.  I was completely empty.

I remember the funeral.  The black clothes.  So many black clothes.  A bit of the speech his sister gave.  The song she played that he liked ('Somebody', Depeche Mode.  To this day I'll cry when I hear it).  I don't remember if I cried or not.  I remember feeling sort of out-of-body.  I got to know death a lot when I was young, so funerals (and my actions during them) were common; I'd usually save my tears for behind closed doors.

After that is a bit of a blur, until I was 16.  I was suicidal (for other various, personal reasons) & his death had a bit to do with it.  But don't worry, things got better.  I moved on.  I... accepted.

Accepting someone's death doesn't mean you miss them any less.  God I miss him.  There are times in life I think about him daily and days or weeks I won't think about him at all.  I still get angry.  I get angry at having someone so perfect for me (who let me be imperfect) be taken away so soon.  But there's a reason for everything, isn't there?  Even when I was young I knew this and had faith and no problems accepting it.  Except with him... I never learned the reason.

I wonder if I've been trying to fill his shoes since he's been gone (a nearly impossible task).  Unconsciously, of course.  I see some of the common traits in my most important men (which I'll keep to myself, though if you know me you'll probably guess what some of them are).  I try to look at his death a different way these days, though.  How can I honour him?  How can I keep alive the one person who never mistreated me?  Who wanted the best for me.  Who, in some young way, loved me.  So I think about these things and I keep him close to me.  It makes me happy.  I ask him for guidance should I find a man to spend my life with.  I always thought he had a hand in K and I being together in some way.  But now?  I'm not sure.  Time will tell.

This is my Nathan.  He was such a fabulous person.  All he wanted to do was make people laugh.  I forgot how important that is (to have happiness, laughter).  I hope you have some in yours; he'd think you'd deserve it.  I know I do :)

Looks like I could have had that tea after all.

And Life Goes On...

I've had a hard time blogging lately; there's all of these emotions I'd rather keep under lock and key.  So many emotions.  Nonetheless, part of me wants to, so I shall attempt to do so.

I'll start with more recent events; last night we sent A.R off with a bang - a party and 'bon voyagey' (I always hear Bugs Bunny's voice when I say it like that) to celebrate his going to medical school.  It's always nice to be around friends.  With the summer being so busy for everyone, it was nice to re-group, sit around and chat, have a few (a lot) of laughs.  Oh.. and a LOT of food.  Always food.  Yum.  It was a late night for me and only had a few hours sleep, but it was well worth it.

Love's winding road: is winding.  I'm getting too old for this shit.  And that's all I have to say about that.

My vacation time a week and some ago went well.  It was nice to be away from work, but it feels weird to have all this time off.  Went to visit family.  Meh.  It went alright.  Every single time I'm reminded why I moved away from home.  Had visits with old friends, though, and those went great.  I would probably visit more if I had some other place to stay than with my parents.  Just sayin'.

Have a few days off presently, and they've been filled with visits with friends.  My favourite kind of days.  Today I'm FINALLY going to see Harry Potter.  I know, I'm such a slacker.  I usually see it opening night, but not the last two movies.  I can't wait.  I might get the whole popcorn and everything...as they gouge a hole deep in my pocket that I can't afford.

Also.. 'Horrible Bosses'?  Funniest shit you'll ever see.  Might have to buy that one when it comes out.

I don't think I have to catch you up on anything else (worthwhile, anyways).  I'm gonna drag my tired butt off this chair and get some stuff done.  I bought a lot of fruit so I should prepare some of that so it's ready to eat.

Attachment

I had my neighbour J., over tonight for dinner; it was sort of an impromptu thing.  We made vegetable and cheese quesadillas with avocado and tomato salsa (OMG - yum).  We sat and had wonderful conversation (as always) over dinner and dessert (homemade organic sourdough currant bread) and tea (chai latte, made from scratch).  She noticed my new dishes and commented on how nice they were.. which somehow veered off to talking about having good dishes and never using them, etc etc.  

We have a tradition in our family that's been used for a few generations that when a girl turns 16, she picks out her good dishes (that she'll use when she's older/married, etc).  Mine is a Royal Doulton set.  She'll get a piece or two at every birthday, Christmas, what-have-you.  I'm not sure how practical this is, and if I have a daughter, I'm not sure I'll continue the tradition.  As it is, my set is discontinued and I don't have all the pieces (most for a 4-piece dinner sitting, but I'm missing a couple).  Anyways, this set stays wrapped up in boxes on top of my cupboards, literally collecting dust.  It's not being used.  J. was saying how she has a few nice dishes that she had but was sick of not using them and brought her bowls out to get some use out of them (and recently broke one, mind you.  "But," she said, "at least it was broke while being used").  I remember my mother had this mixing bowl that had been in the family for *years*.  I had a girlfriend over one day (this was back in highschool) and broke it.  I'm quite sure the hearts of both my mother and I sunk, but we didn't want to make a big deal of it and make my friend feel bad about it (what could you do anyways?) so we carried on.  But my mother and I exchanged looks and I could tell she almost burst into tears.  

Anyways, the point of my ramblings is this... why do we hold attachment to certain things?  We were questioning if they hold us back from moving on.  Maybe we don't want to move on, and that particular item holds us to the past.. a memory, a close connection to a relative.  But the funny thing is, we don't need that material item to keep those memories; they're in our heads, our hearts.  She said I should bring my good dishes out and intertwine them with my everyday dishes.  I looked at her hesitantly, "... but... I can hear my grandmother's voice in the back of my head.. what if I break one, or chip one.. ".  "Then you break one or chip one," she says.  Sigh.  True.. but hard to let go of.  

She said she had a bowling ball once before; custom-made to her and everything.  But she used it a couple times and that's it.  She donated it and was told later that there was this boy who wanted his own ball SO much (and could never afford one) that he almost cried when he got her gently used one.  The point?  Sometimes items we no longer possess can bless someone else's life.  

My mother asked me if I wanted to donate my prom dress to this organization that takes used prom dresses and donates them to girls who can't afford their own.  I didn't want to yet.  Do I feel like an ass for not wanting to let go of that dress yet?  Totally.  Will I ever wear it (or for that fact fit in it)?  No.  Someone else can benefit so much more from having that beautiful black-lace dress.  But.. I want to see it one last time.  Ridiculous, I know.  Don't judge.  I'm just not ready to let go yet.  It ties me to a date and a friend I had really good times with.  People I loved and grew up with, became who I am with.  I don't know why I want to hang onto my teens, they were tumultuous at best; but... it's all emotion, right?

Anyways, I'm rambling tonight.  Sorry.  I hope you get what I'm saying.  Bring out the good dishes.  Use that decorative bowl more.  Wear that fancy scarf that was handed down to you.  If you don't.. consider donating and helping someone else create and associate their own happy memories to it.  

I Have A Dream....

Where do I start...

I'll begin by saying Sunday was great; Mass was good (though we botched one of the songs in choir.. ugh) and had a few laughs thanks to another choir member, then I met with my brother's girlfriend and I took us out for breakfast and I drove back home with her so I could visit with my parents.  I've had an idea brewing the past few weeks and I needed to talk with them for their help and support.

I'll skip the semantics (and long story) about how the idea came into play, but the long and the short of it is that I'd like to open my own little restaurant here in town.  When the idea occurred to me, it just felt *right*.  A series of successive events unfolded to show me, what I believed to be a sign, of how things are/were going to go for this new path for me.  To preface this, my parents are opening their second restaurant at the end of April.  My idea was to come work for them - learn the business, receive proper and adequate coaching on managing, business operations etc so I would be prepped in a year/year & a half to open my own.  I was SO excited about this new idea, I was ready to burst.  It was hard for me not to discuss it with anyone (I only broached it with a few close friends for immediate feedback).  The discussion has be had, so I can be open about it with the rest of the universe.

The idea in itself is foolproof and genius - what better way to learn the business but from the comfort and direction of family.  Unfortunately, reality kicks in.  Biggest obstacle: I don't have a car (their town is about a 20 min drive away) and to work the two jobs (I wouldn't drop the hospital) would be impossible without one.  So I've been asking the universe to bring me a car.  Though if God planted this 'wonderful' idea in my head, it's a wonder why He doesn't help me out a bit more (what? you mean I have to WORK for my dream? pish posh :P) <-- me being facetious.  My bubble has burst a little bit, though I suppose it was expected.  When we had the talk they asked a lot of questions - which I answered well (they might be my parents, but you could also think of it as a basic business meeting/interview.  They're tough but their intentions are good; they just want to make sure I've thought everything through) because I had conviction in my idea.  Downfall: they already have their staff (which I'd feared) and they have to watch their money (with the initial start-up), so they can't just hire me right away, even though I'm family. Not that I would expect them to!  But I don't want you to think that just because we're family, I'll get special treatment, per se.  Business comes first, right?  As how I would run my own.

So.... it's not happening as easily (ha! silly me) or as quickly as I'd have preferred. But I'm going to try not to get down.  When I told any immediate friends, they were *very* supportive and could see this is something that would fit well for me.  So... I have to keep testing those convictions.  F. suggested I go work in a kitchen close to home (there are a lot within a short walking distance) and get my bearings.  I could do that, work in a different kitchen setting but now in the context of what I plan to achieve instead of just working for something I enjoy (or used to) or am doing to 'pass the time'... if that makes any sense. Is that something I want to do?  Take up a second job?  Do I want to work in a kitchen, even if it means starting with doing dishes?  Am I ready to branch off from my security net? The last time I had a huge dream, it crumbled (and I'm not talking a couple buildings, but a massive earthquake).  I'm scared to trust; I'll just come out and say it.  I'm scared to trust The Path, I'm scared to trust The Process, I'm scared to trust myself and I'm scared to trust Him.

I wanted to acknowledge those fears, but it doesn't mean I won't go after my dream.  Watch out world, there might be a new restaurateur in town.

McStuffs-a-lot

Right, so.... wow.  I don't even know where to start this story.  It's very shameful and I can't believe I'm sharing it with the general public.  I mean, I don't even want to look you in the eye after this.  THAT sort of shameful.  But knowing my past, I'm not surprised.  Sadly.  I might have to go in hiding after this post 'cause I'll be too ashamed to even associate with anyone.

Well, I've already told you once my mother seemed to condone my constant eating.  It was never discouraged, berated (well, okay, it was from my stepfather in an abusive not-so-helpful way and would always tease me, but I digress).  My dad and step-mother had problems (read: concern) with it, most of the time, but I just think they didn't know how to help, encourage, undo what was otherwise being done back home (fyi, I would visit my dad every-other weekend until I was in college or so).  I just wasn't with them enough to get more positive influence.  My (half) sister and brother were and still both are of healthy weight.  They're thin.  I've always been the fat one in the family.  My parents carried a bit of extra weight when they were younger but the older they got, the more they've lost.  They're each thin, too.  So amidst a total of 6 immediate family members, I was the one that always stood out.  Felt it, too, despite my family accepting me for who (and what) I was anyways.

Tonight I went out for dinner at Montana's with my brother, his girlfriend, her 2 boys, and my step-mother.  Everyone had all-you-can-eat ribs.  I... didn't; just had a burger and a gihugeous dessert (that my brother had to help me eat).  So we got to telling stories about when we were kids.  I told K. I still tell the story of how we used to have pancake eating contests.  See, Saturday mornings were our equivalent to everyone else's Sunday mornings; family together, big breakfast, etc.  F. would be at the griddle just firing them away.  Silver-dollar pancakes, mostly.  So K. and I decided to have a contest to who could eat the most.  No word of a lie, each (silver dollar-ish) pancake my brother and I ate was topped with peanut butter, Nutella and maple syrup (it was fantastic and I still eat them that way to this day).  Know what number we stopped at?  30.  30 fucking pancakes.  EACH.  Sweet baby Jesus.

So that lead to another story F. started telling, about how once a year the parents would take us out for brunch buffet.  I was about.. 8 or 9 or so.  It was the year my brother finally started to learn to calm down and behave (he was ADHD severely as a kid).  And it was the year I decided I didn't want to eat anything at that buffet table - eggs, bacon, toast (I used to be a picky eater) - nothing - except chocolate pudding.  Chocolate fucking pudding.  And you know what I ate?  JUST the chocolate pudding.  Wanna know how many I ate? 30.  Thirty chocolate puddings (there's that magic number again).  Are you fucking kidding me?  I said aside tonight, not quite so facetiously, "I can't imagine why I have a sugar problem today".  I said, "Why the hell did you condone that?!"  Nope.  They were of the mentality that you do something enough to make you sick, you'll learn and you won't do it again.  The more it was talked about, the more I started to remember the day.

I'm disgusted.  Know what I wanna do right now?  Purge all the food I've eaten all day.  That's how disgusted.  I don't even want to look at food for the next 3 days.  This post up to this paragraph was difficult to write; I made a lot of excuses and procrastinated.  But, this is all about facing fears and being honest, so I have to write it.

When I was with the "I'm going to lose 10lbs by my birthday" mentality and I ate more than I cared to, remember that?  I had the same mentality and emotions coming back; the feeling of having to eat as if I was missing out on something.  I had to eat almost with a feeling of being in a rush (it's the best way I can articulate it).  Why?  I have absolutely no idea.  None.  Niente.  There's a school of thought/psychology-based theory that we eat more to develop protective "layers".  I definitely had reason to develop 'protective layers' when I was a kid, but now?  I have no excuse.  I'm in tune with myself, I'm conscious of the world around me, I don't have anyone in my life that isn't positive, supportive or affirming in some way.  What?  Is it just that old habits die hard?  I don't think it's that simple.  I think there's more behind it than that.  I just can't figure out what THAT is.  I wish I could because while the world may seem like this is normal, I feel about this big.

I'm going to go hang my head in shame, now.

Laissez-Faire, I Am Not

I'm looking outside at the nice snowfall.  The temperature is supposed to rise and rise to a balmy -2C overnight. Joyous.  I won't be freezing my ass off whenever I walk somewhere.

I think I'll make a tea; I'm feeling something in my throat.  Serves me right; I haven't taken orange juice or my vitamin C or D for a few days, I think.

I was sitting back reading my French cookbook and I've found another recipe to tackle - Tarte au Citron.  I can't wait.  It causes me to buy a zester and a tart pan (with removable bottom, that I was going to use for another chocolate tart recipe anyways).  Oh, darn ;)

It got me thinking more; everything that interests me isn't of things around me or of things that SHOULD interest me.  For instance, I'm naturally drawn to Italian language, French cooking/baking & decorating and both lifestyles.  Neither are Canadian (though I dare you to define 'Canadian') and neither are traditionally Dutch (father's side) or Scottish (mother's).  I do have a slight affinity for some things Scottish/Celtic, but it's minimal.  My ex was intensely German, but I don't know if that counts for anything (I tried the language with success, but not keeping it up it lost its luster).  The only thing geographically correct about me is my location!

Bleh.  I've had a few things to write about, but I've got an awful lot on my mind lately and since I've started this post, I've gotten sidetracked several times.  I've been completely absent-minded today and not with it at all (forgetting things, not seeing things I need that are right in front of me).  I had a bit of an emotional time on the mat this morning so.. maybe I just need to not do anything the rest of the day.  I'm going to a movie soon (The King's Speech) so I'll just chill until then.

Ill-Tempered Post

Warning: language. Huge vent. Be advised.


So I emailed my sister this morning to ask what was going on for Christmas because I hadn't heard anything.  She said she was holding a family gathering for New Years Eve.  I said I can't travel... and even if I did, I don't have it off (I did, but there were changes to the schedule).  She's still trying to pare down a day and said our brother was driving over for the festivities. Seriously?

I CAN'T FUCKING TRAVEL!  What does she not get about this?  She knows my stomach is bad.  She SHOULD know, she's got fucking colitis for crying out loud.  AGAIN I am not going to be around family for Christmas and I've got the whole fucking holiday off.  Lovely.  I'm almost in tears.  I don't know why she doesn't get it!  We were discussing Christmas plans before and for the parents we were just going to have dinner (that town is just 20 min away).  So... I presumed we were going to have dinner with them some night.  Perhaps a faulty assumption on my part.  Her "dinner" is with the whole extended family in Niagara Falls for a day/evening/overnight.  *headdesk*

I can't take this.  You know what?  Maybe I'll hold something here.  I'll invite the parents and if K (bro) and his gf want to come, they're welcomed.  But watch.. the parents won't be able to come because of the restaurant.  Fuck.

I'm starting to hate this fucking holiday.  I might as well take down the decorations because there's nothing to get excited about anymore.  Every year I worry about spending it with someone.  Every year it gets more exhausting.  I asked Santa for a guy this year, cause, well, I'd like one and I think it's deserved at this point (but what the hell do I know), but at least if I spent it with him, I wouldn't be so sad about not spending it with family.  I want to start my *own* family.

Fuck this post is getting depressing.  I'm out.

Peaceful Monday

Remember at the beginning of the weekend I wrote that I wasn't able to (literally) sit still?  I have no problem sitting still today.  The majority of my weekend was 'meh' but yesterday was much needed.  I got to spend the whoooooole day with family.  We went to a neighbouring town for a "Soup Off" - various vendors/restaurants bring their best soup and you buy a soup bowl (made by a local artist.. I'll have to take a picture of mine) and you wander around and taste everyone's soup and vote for the best one.  Sadly, my parents restaurant did not win (though we figured out contributing factors to why) but two of the other soups I also voted for (there were 3 categories) won :)  A yummy mushroom soup (broth-based, not cream-based) and a Purple People Eater soup (yup - it was purple.. using purple potatoes and purple carrots).  I'm not a big soup person but a lot of them were very yummy!  And too much cream soup made me a little ill, but it passed.

Anyhoo.. got off track.  Got together with family in the morning for breakfast.  I can say it was the first time in months (years?) that we've all been at the same table together (time, schedules and distance often separates us). Even with boyfriends (soon-to-be-fiancé I hope!) and pregnant girlfriends (I'm going to be an aunt again!), it was a full table of 8 (after being with CZ's family of...what was it at one time? Like.. 18? it seems not very much at all).  Went back to the farm after breakfast, relaxed and headed to the Soup Off.  Then after that we went back home, my sister and her family had to get back on the road and I stayed back and kicked it with the 'rents for a while.  I got home around 8 or so and had a very relaxing evening.  Did up some dishes (I'm sure they self-multiply) and took care of a few things that I'd been putting off.  Did some reading and went to bed! Zzzzzz....

Today I have laundry, some much-needed cleaning and my last Leadership session.  Don't want to sit around too much; the apartment won't clean itself.  Canadians... Hope you had a great Thanksgiving weekend and Americans.. Hope you had a great weekend, period :)  Brits.. did you have any holidays this weekend?

Happy Tuesday!

Save Me

Even when it's vacation it's busy.  Can't I just get a break?  Even as I'm trying to write this, a hundred things are popping up.

The weekend away was good.  There was time spent with immediate family, neighbours, a couple of old friends (one that I haven't seen in years). Lots of shopping was had :)  I came back with more than what I left with.  So much that I've started to question my materialism (I usually don't 'need' a lot of things, though it seems I've acquired them.  In fairness, some were clothes and shoes that were necessary.  Okay, maybe not the mary janes.. lol).

Saturday was the Mackinac races (sailboats race starting at the Sarnia, ON/Port Huron, MI border/bridge on the St. Clair River and sail up to Mackinac Island, MI and back).  Good times had by all (except for the Rotary breakfast - coffee or juice, 2 sausage, 3 pancakes with fake syrup.. sugar, sugar, sugar.. which means I can't have).  We planted a lawn chair by the water and watched all the sailboats go by. I now want a sailboat :)  I'll be posting pictures soon.  A lot of the city comes out for it - it gets pretty packed.  I really enjoy it, though.  I can't tell you why.

I've noticed a lot of things last weekend; how people have changed, how I've changed.  I'm probably one of most of my friends without a boyfriend and/or husband.  I don't have children.  This old friend I saw (we were inseparable in high school), is really happy.  She's got the husband, the new house, the baby.  It took a bit for me to convert kid (when we were 16) to adult/mother/wife.  Like you're life flashing before you, I saw where time has escaped me the past 15-20 years like a movie on a screen.  What's happened; what matters, what doesn't.  We've grown up (I'm not at all trying to make this sound like a rhetorical statement).

I've also, to my detriment, noticed I have many mannerisms as my mother.  Ugh.  I say detriment for a few reasons.  No discourse to her, really, but there are thoughts here that will remain private.  Long story short and vague, I see those comparisons and I fear my life will end up like hers, which is the complete opposite of what I want. This very well may be an irrational fear but it's a fear nonetheless.

I've been doing some self-reflection, since.  I've seen the path I've been travelling in the recent past (past couple years) and I like how the path is going and I like where I 'see' it going, but I can't say that I'll actually get 'there'.  I know what I think I need to do to, but there's no guarantee it's the right steps, right?  How do I even know the steps I'm taking are correct.  I finally feel peace about knowing what I want; who with, who without.  I'm ready for change.

I also confronted a lot of old ugly ghosts in the closet last weekend.  Ghosts I've been dealing with the past year and was ready to confront again.  I was proud of myself for being strong enough to try.

Well, I think that's it for now. I'm going to take the rest of the night to clean up a couple of things in the kitchen (OCD is acting up) and read a bit before bed.  Tomorrow's Wednesday! Your week is almost over and mine is just beginning (day 1 of 6).