Conflicting Values

I write to you troubled today, dear reader.  I have been brought to the ultimate juxtaposition in my current life (stage).

It's proving very quickly that my body is not ready for this job.  More specifically, my body and current health status are not ready for 11-hour days (which turn into 13(!) with commute).  Aside from my current health issues, I'm just recuperating being off work sick for a week.  I had a cold from hell and some sleepless nights (admittedly, due partly to anxiety).  The last shift I worked before falling ill (overnight) was 11 hours.  That did me in.  My body was trying to tell me something (and has been since, in other ways!).

I said I'll be able to return Wednesday this week.  I was warned they will be long days, at 10-12 hours each.  Maybe they can let me keep 9 hour shifts.  Maybe I can start off slow and ease into it until I'm used to everything.

The problem is... in the food industry, this isn't acceptable.  The food industry has a pretty big macho, "Suck it up or get out" mentality.  There's no half-assed.  There's no doing things only half way.  There's little to no "meeting in the middle".

This isn't the only industry who has mandatory long days.  Healthcare is another prime example.  Nurses work 12 hours and doctors even longer.  It's ironic that positions in the health industry aren't condusive to good health, but I digress.  I don't think it's healthy to demand so much of ourselves while we're serving others.  Long shifts don't benefit anyone; you get tired and mistakes are made.  I realize these are my values and not the industry's.  How do we find time for ourselves (also important for personal health and well-being) and our family?  Why are we making it okay to just get up, go to work, come home and eat and go to bed - day after day?  How does someone with chronic health issues work in an industry they enjoy that otherwise wants to shut them out?

So... how does one work in an industry they enjoy when it clashes with one of their values?  Such a big question with a seemingly impossible answer.  But there has to be a way.  I'm too stubborn to admit otherwise.  I've always wanted to bake and I've always wanted to make a difference in the world with my baking - but I've never had the answer how.  Maybe it's not the baking itself, but the path.  Maybe I'm keeping my thinking too narrow.

I don't know.  And I don't know if there's ever an answer for what I'm asking.  I always want to jump 10 steps ahead; I know what I want in the end, but I never know how to get there.  My creativity falls short along the way and then I lose momentum and it's gone.

Aaaaand..I'm losing battery on my laptop.  I take that as a queue for dinner time.

I don't know if my rambling has made any sense.  Maybe someone identifies with it (in which case, that'll be a miracle).  Otherwise, I'll see you on the flip side :)

Happy Sunday!


 

The Social Media Devil - A Vent

Preface: It's 'wordy' and long, I apologize in advance.  Had a hard time articulating myself. 

For the past few weeks I've been able to detach myself from the distraction that is Facebook.  It's been nice.  I feel less obligated to often check a constant source of feed, comments & messages.  I feel lighter, less... I don't know.  It's hard to put into words.  I was also getting frustrated with a lot of memes and nonsense that was taking up a lot of space when all I wanted was to see what my friends had to say about their lives or pictures they wanted to post.  Thing is, I'm also missing feeds from pages I follow, but fortunately I get most of those via email as well.  I'm doing my best to cut down the million notifications that I feel like I get on a daily basis (slightly overly dramatic, but you get the idea).  

Still, I took it upon myself to comment on a thread the other day in one of my groups.  Someone asked me to expand on why I thought what I did (it was about food and nutritional content of said food, what's best to consume, etc) and when I gave it today I was accused by a supposed friend for 'telling people what to do' and 'turning my nose down in judgement about their choices'.  I was flabergasted.  And upset.  It was the straw that broke the camels back. 

One thing about me that not many people know is that I don't like it when people assume anything of me.  It's a trigger.  This was a classic example and it felt like an attack for no reason.  It was assumed the way I came across that I was telling someone how they should eat, when if they a) knew me and b) were the friend they were supposed to be and have my back, understood that I was suggesting eating based on a nutritional point of view.  What anyone does with that info is up to them.  After that I excused myself from the conversation as I was not being understood (and instead was being accused).  I shut off notifications for the post.  I went back to check the thread anyways (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and they commented that it was "no big deal".. but no... because you called me out on shit in front of 50 people.. apparently it was.  Thing is, I went to the original poster/question and I didn't offend her at all, so it was just that one person's opinion.  

I got upset.  A lot.  Yesterday I came to the realization that I have nothing in common with any friend I have here because they're rather too busy to get together (due to work or families) or have babies (this accounts for most), or age differences, so when I take a hit from a friend and it feels like they're dropping like flies (because believe me, if they're going to act like this, I don't want to have anything to do with them), I feel it.  I find myself thinking about Canada a lot.  Today.. just made it all come together.  I thought who I thought would have my back doesn't and.. my whole world came crashing down. I miss my friends.  I miss the balance I had.  Now?  No balance.  My one reason for being here has been validated a long time ago and I'm left with teetering scales; I have W. on one side and it's empty on the other.   I don't know how to handle the imbalance anymore, or how to differently look at the situation.  

It's not without trying.  I've tried approaching a couple of businesses in town about volunteer positions and they won't take me (I need to try to stay in town to keep travel expenses to a minimum).  Short of waiting for a job, I don't know what else to do... but something has to change.   

I'm living in a world where I realize nothing is permanent.  People who I could have sworn on my grandmother's grave that I would be friends with for life, aren't.  Boyfriends and fiancés who I thought I'd be with for life, aren't.  Knowledge I thought I would always have in my head, I forget.  Health I thought I would have, has declined.  Maybe this is a realization you have when you get older.  Maybe it's just me.  The only thing I can think of to do with this - is not take anything for granted.  I'm not with W. because I think we're meant to be together.  No; I'm consciously choosing to be with him and love him every day.  And every day after that.  And every day after that.  Everything else?  I try not to.  I really consciously try not to. 

The thing I struggled with most today was finding something to be grateful for.  Every day I can tell you something I'm grateful for, but when I'm this upset and this.. desolate.. it's difficult.  I don't want to look for anything!  I'm angry!  The thing is, to find something you're grateful for in a situation that feels shitty and has crumpled around you.. that is the time for the most opportunity for growth.  But do you wanna know a secret?  I'm tired.  I've worked so hard to get where I am and maintain some sort of sanity that.. I'm tired.  I'm tired of personal growth.  I'm tired of having to adjust to circumstances around me.  I said to W. tonight that I wish I was the type that could give up.  

"So where are you?" (in my head) he asks and I said, "I don't know." I'm stewing.  I'm fixed in a cycle and the machine needs to be kicked to get back into gear. I'm trying to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside but it's hard. 

That's what's on my mind today.  I'm going to head to bed and call it a day.  Thanks for listening to my babble, as always :)  Happy Monday!

This Is Not the Movies (long post)

Warning: some language.

Let's be honest, this blog is my therapy.  Sure it's nice to write and catch you up on stuff, but it also helps me to talk about things that happen.  Like last night.  Sooo.... I'm gonna start out with the not so good.

The not so good: I was at choir last night for practice and already for the first song I was a bit overwhelmed.  Remember I'm learning new music to new words in a new section (alto).  Not only on top of having to pay attention to all of that, I have to *try* to understand what the director is saying (thank goodness for hand gestures).  Oh and hey, did I mention the song we were working on changed time like.. 5 times?  3/2, 4/4, 3/4, 5/8 and hey, let's bring it back to 3/2 time again.  I almost lost my shit.  Okay, so mostly I just listen and word-follow until I get the hang of it.  We're on a small break between songs and this old man behind me taps me on the shoulder and starts saying something in Dutch at like, 100 mph.  My head kind of spins at that point and I say with a smile, "Woa, sorry sweetheart, you're gonna have to say that in English." "You're going to have to learn Dutch!" he says.  I want to burst into tears.  Instead, I pull myself together in a micro-second and say pleasantly with a smile, "I am!" He received that well and continued to tell me he could put a 'map' together for me if I'd like (map in Dutch = folder in English).  I said that would be wonderful and anything will help.

I was 'off' the rest of the practice.  I wanted to walk away, do an ugly cry and sit in that church and ask God why the HELL I'm even here.  So I did that, at coffee break (where we practice is a separate room from the nave of the church).  I didn't really feel like conversing with anyone else, so The Big Guy and I had a few words.  I stood facing the altar.  Well, perhaps I was more upset and angry and maybe doing a, "I've gotten myself into this, please help me get out of it" stare.  I took a breath and returned to practice, fighting back tears and asking myself the entire time, "Why am I even here?" & angry at the man's remarks.  I knew it was going to take one asshole to make a comment like that, I'm just surprised it took so long.

Now don't get me wrong, I sing with very pleasant people.  This is just a man who didn't bother to think before he spoke; I've been to like, 4 practices, I've been in the country 8 months, I'm not fluent yet.. and you can't start rambling to me out of nowhere at 100 mph thinking I'm going to understand you.  This is me being defensive.  If I'm going to be proper about it, maybe I need to take ownership of what I said, and maybe he was the one being defensive.  Maybe I could have worded what I said differently.  This isn't the first time.  Maybe I need to acknowledge this instance shook me to my core because he hit a nerve.  If I'm *really* honest, I need to acknowledge I haven't been pushing myself as hard as I a) should be and b) normally would to learn the language.  Why?  Multiple reasons I guess, but it doesn't matter right now.

When you see Julia Roberts (Eat, Pray, Love) move to Italy, practicing the language, speaking fluently without any negative responses or heartache, it lends romanticism to being in a new country.

Nothing prepares you for this transition.  Absolutely nothing.  I walked into this knowing there would be hard days, I knew it wouldn't always be easy and romantic.  But some days just drop kick you out of nowhere and you're lying on the ground with cartoon stars and exclamation points shaking your head wondering wtf.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to be here.  I still want to continue living and creating a life here.  When you ask me how I'm doing, I'll say fantastic.  That's 'cause the good out-weighs the bad ten-fold.  I don't know what these days do.  I guess they sort of keep me in check, remind me (like I needed it) that I'm the foreigner, keep me grounded, that with 1 person who doesn't understand, there are 20 who do. I've been out of my comfort zone for 8 months.  Do I even have a comfort zone here?  I don't know what defines that, yet. Also, I think your perception of inhabiting a country is different for when you just visit, or move there permanently.

Bah.  Enough of that stuff.  I need to catch you up on the good.

The great: I went to the retirement home a few weeks ago and had a meeting.  It went fantastic!  In a strange twist of fate, I went in inquiring about socializing with the residents, but once she heard about my food/kitchen experience, she was on me like white on rice to volunteer in the kitchen.  I don't think I could have said no if I wanted to :P  She told me they barely use their kitchen anymore (they bring food in).  Maybe basic things like soup or stamppot.  There's an oven there that's barely being used.  "Oh, that's so sad!" I said. "It is!" she returned.  So she was going to talk to her collegue and get back to me.  We now have a meeting next Thursday.  Dude... a kitchen all to myself.  I can't even wrap my head around it.  She took me for a tour and indeed, it was pretty empty.  That lonely oven was just sitting there, calling to me :P  So we'll see what they need me for and how else I can contribute.  The cogs are already turning.

I've created a Facebook page for my "business" (I still use the term loosely as I'm not fully developed yet), FKNL (Food Knows No Language).  Please go 'like' it if you haven't yet!  And W and I were looking at web hosting sites to see who we should go with, to make a webpage.  I still have to price my recipes, order packaging, make sure I have an extensive list of what I want to sell.  These are all tedious things and I keep putting them off.  When we create the webpage, I'll publish it here so you can take a look!

We've had great weather lately.  Temperatures have been hovering around 10 degrees C lately (aside from today and the next few).  Still, being so close to the sea it's cool and often windy.  Doesn't feel as nice as 10 degrees should.  I hear you're still getting hammered with snow back in Canada.  You must be sick of it.  Hang in there, March is just around the corner.

Busy day today so I'm going to get moving.  Not many plans for the weekend; W works tomorrow so I'm not sure how I'm going to fill my time.  I have a chat date in the afternoon though, that I'm highly looking forward to.  Sunday we've asked W's parents over for breakfast (pancakes - Canada style).  Maybe I'll go to market tomorrow morning, if the weather is pleasant (read: not raining).

Hope you have a great weekend!  Have fun!

There Are Good Days, and Then There Are Bad...

I went to the gym yesterday to meet up with a new friend.  Found her, chatted a bit and started on my workout.  Yesterday was just cardio so I hit the treadmill for a half an hour.  There were two women to my left who seemed to know each other and were talking.  After warming up, I increased my speed and started running for a few minutes.  They seemed amazed (?), said something to each other, then the lady closest to me looked over and said something Friesian with a smile.  I said in response (also with a smile), "Sorry, I only speak English." So she nods, turns around and starts talking to her friend again as if I didn't exist.  I received no acknowledgement at all. 

*blank stare*

Wtf just happened?  I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English.  This is what I face here sometimes.  When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE. 

When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it).  Was it rude?  Yes.  Is it a common response?  Not entirely.  When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation.  Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.

By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away.  Fail.

If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list.  It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).

My lack of response bothered me.  The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over.  Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am.  I don't get walked over.  I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected.  I give my opinion.  I'm a very passionate person.  I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion.  Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two.  So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore.  It's time to change. 

How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion?  Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love."  When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?"  No.  We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can.  It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable. 

I have to practice what I preach.  Which is not easy.

Y'know what?  It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes.  The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist.  I wanted to not make an effort.  I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends.  I wanted the familiar.  I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them.  I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping. 

Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing called life integration again.  Hiccups will happen, I know that.  This just reminded me to keep my wits about me and to try and remain more open to those around me who might have a harder time at adjusting to conversation than I do. 

In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself.  Onward and upward!

Starting Over

There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"

I can't decide.

With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think.  I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional.  Except not so much to them, as to myself.  I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months.  With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves.  Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing.  After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness.  So it's time for me to get honest.  Brutal truth, guys.  Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/

I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points.  Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge). 

I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'. 

Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it.  Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job).  Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over.  Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider.  Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive.  Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.

Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block.  Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind.  Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language.  Success is admitting overwhelm.  Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways.  Success is being gentle with yourself.  Repeatedly.  Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation.  Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).

It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do.  What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin?  That's the hard part.  So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective.  This is a big deal.  There is a lot of effort involved.  It will take a lot of time.  I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me.  Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it).  I'm okay with there having to be effort.  There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure).  Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it. 

On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride.  I hope you're having a fabulous week!


** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.

*Sigh*

I might cry.


#PMS
#FML

Ugh.. Kill Me Now..

Sick with a cold, in the middle of summer?  Seriously?  Seriously???  I don't think I've gotten a cold in the middle of summer in my life.  Thankfully I've been off the past 3 days to be sick/recover.  Sitting up, typing this to you now, is a bit exhausting.  I really don't know how I'm going to find the energy to go to work tomorrow.  If I had a proper working laptop, I could be typing this in bed.  *sigh*

What was I going to ramble about today?  Oh right.  My dear friend CZ is getting married in a week (plus 2 days).  A WEEK!  OMG!  IT'S SO EXCITING! :D  And... IS IT REALLY THAT TIME ALREADY??  I'm really getting stoked... partly because I've got this fabulous dress that is me but isn't me (in a good way)  (and when was the last time I dressed up??) but I'm totally going to rock it.  Or at least... try.  TMI.. but I just realized today I'll be PMS'ing and bloated while in this fabulous dress.  Man.  Not cool.  I'm trying to look great and all I'll feel like is a beached whale :P  Well, try to complement me anyways, I might need it! lol  Anyways, what's cool is I got *everything* for this outfit on sale.  And I'm totally girling it up next weekend.  I've scheduled a mani-pedi for the Friday (though I think I'll cancel the manicure; I can't wear nail polish at work and I'll have to literally take it off a day later. A bit of a waste if you ask me) and get an extended special pedicure.  And I'm getting my hair done up at the salon the morning of.  Woot.  Look at me go.  Take some pictures; this one's gotta last :)

I just found out on Facebook tonight one of the girls I went to high school/public school with's sister passed away today.  That was sad :(

Um.. I could whine about how all I've been doing is resting, trying to keep up with cleaning of house, more resting, how I have no energy to do *anything*.. but that's no fun for you to hear.  I've had the a/c on cause it's best curled up under the covers when you're sick, than sprawled out because if you move you sweat.  /whine

There was some other stuff I was going to ramble about.. but.. I don't even remember.  Which means it's probably time for bed.  I'm out..

Woa

*gets smacked in the face*

holymotherofGodthatwasabigrealizationithinkineedadrinknow.


/cryptic


#selfwork

Also after having said drink, I really hate that I'm allergic to sulphites. *sigh*

No, Chef

So... I'm going to make this post short and sweet right now.  I got let go from the restaurant today.  Via a text message.  While I was shopping.  Yeah, awesome, right?  (I know, it took me a while to process it, too.)  Said they're over-staffed.  To say I was crushed is a bit of an understatement.  Still am... and I'm fearful I've lost my chance in 'the biz' and won't get another opportunity.  As it was while I was shopping and it was impossible for me to break down in the middle of a shopping mall, I did what any self-respecting girl does when she's depressed; I bought shoes.  Lots of shoes.  And 'on sale' shoes.  I had to for the wedding in August anyways, so killed two birds with one stone.

I'm going to leave my phone aside and go and have a quiet night and get to bed early.  It's been an exhausting day.  Before you write back, yes I know the good that can come of the situation or the potential for better or.. whatever.  I *know*...so please don't write and tell me these things.  I don't care to hear them today.