Thinky Thoughts

I have a few thoughts that have been building up for a while.  Or that.. my frustration has built up and I'm about to pop my top.  I have all of this... stuff... building up, like un-used energy, and I don't know what to do with it. Let's see what this blog post can do.

An observation I've had of late, is the word 'sorry'.  Europeans don't say it as much as we do.  Not half as much.  That's the one thing I (well, both W. and I, actually) noticed when I first came here, was how often I said 'sorry'.  We interject it into sentences or situations so smoothly and stealth-like.  I won't go so far as to say it's lost it's meaning.  I don't think it has.  I just think that we are short of taking ownership of it or our actions and over-using it.  (Addendum: when I say 'we' I mean Canadians. Americans use it a lot too, but I don't think as much as us, really.)  It came to the point that I would be out and about and maybe accidentally bump into someone at the store.  I would say 'sorry', cause that's what we do.  But when someone bumps into me, they don't say sorry.  I would have a knee-jerk reaction of thinking it was rude of them not to.  Okay, perhaps that's a bad example.  Or they'll cut ahead of you in an isle.  They don't apologize for that, either.  I view it as rude, they view it as simply taking their place.  They all do it and we both approach it with a completely different mentality.  One day a Dutch person said sorry to me and I had to turn around and look at them twice, it was so weird.  Now, don't go thinkin' Dutch people are rude.  They're not.  They're some of the kindest and nicest people I've met.  They just.. approach life a little differently.

Funny story; I was writing a recipe for the magazine and at one point I said (translated), "Feel free to add x, y or z to the recipe as other options." W. chuckles and calls me over and he said, "Um, honey.. this part here where you tell people to "feel free"?  Yeah, we don't say that.  You don't tell people here to 'feel free' to do anything. We were occuppied for 5 years... we just do it." Touche.  Fair statement.  After a bit of a laugh and feeling a little lot bad for potentially offending my fellow Dutchies, we removed it :)

So that's a classic example of their mentality, if it helps you at all.  I can't say I'd act any differently.

I find myself saying more and more that things are different here.  A part of me still expects some things to be the same.  Mass, for one, confession for another (these are just a couple examples off the top of my head).  I think these little 'changes' or frustrations are piling up and I'm not sure how I'm processing them in my head.  Holidays are different.  I've already said they don't have the same "whooplah" that we have for holidays back home.  Things aren't as commercialized here and maybe advertised a week or two ahead of the occassion (not 2 months).  My birthday is this coming Friday and I wanted to celebrate but a) I'm not going to celebrate it on Good Friday and b) this is Easter weekend.  Not a lot of people celebrate Easter (at least, not in our circle) but they may be out if the weather is nice.  I haven't bothered to ask for people over for a gathering, really, because I can't decide what I want to do or when I want to do it.  We also had plans to go away, but since then they have been cancelled.  This weekend is so much up in the air, it's making my OCD twitchy.  The only plans we have is his parents want to take us out for dinner (celebrating a double birthday; his dad's was Sunday) Saturday night.  Mind you, it's at one of my favourite restaurants, so it makes me happy :)  I really want to ask myself what I want and what's important to me.  Sure, there are a few kitchen gadgets I'd love to have (as I say half-jokingly), but I have everything I want; I'm where I want to be with who I want to be with and with a roof over our head.  What more can I ask for?  If I was back in Canada I would be having celebrations (multiple dinners, teas, coffees, visits) with the people I cared most about, but things are a lot different here.  It's rare to go out for dinner or tea or coffee.  If I really want to break it down (and be honest), I think I'm used to the anti-clamatic build up to events, and I'm not getting that here.  It's funny how much you notice it when it doesn't happen.  It's become so cyclical that it feels like something's missing when it doesn't happen.  So then I feel a bit down and dispirited.. and I'm not sure how to process it.

I'm not sure what to do for Easter Sunday.  Usually I would make a nice meal for a friend or two or three after a very full (in attendance) and joyful Easter Mass.  I would bake something special (Dulce des Tres Leche cake, anyone?).  There would be socializing.  And now... W. doesn't care 'cause he doesn't celebrate Easter, and if he's not ramped up about something, it's hard for me to get half as excited.  All of our inner circle doesn't celebrate Easter, so aside from (both of us) going to Mass, I'm on my own.  I have one friend who does celebrate it, but she'll be with her family (and please don't suggest I spend it with them).  I just don't know how to move forward right now.  I miss making a big deal of things.

Well, this post has taken a downturn.  Perhaps I should get up and get something done, move my right hip a bit (have been having problems).  The dishes don't do themselves, unfortunately.

I will talk to W. tonight though, and let him know my thoughts.  It's so easy to stay in your head about things sometimes that it's easy to pass over the fact that your other half can actually help you get over hurdles.  Even if it's just voicing your thoughts, it's nice to have them out in the open and not locked up.  It's easy to become independent (or for me, go back to my old ways), when we're really there for the other person to lean on.  And you know what, it's been a looooooooong time since I've said a prayer.  Perhaps I'll do that in my chores tonight.

Hope your world is treating you well.

Fa La La La La, La La La Laaaaaa...

I meant to come on here sooner and wish you a Merry Christmas, but I kind of failed at that.  Sorry!  So Merry belated Christmas.  Hope it was everything you needed and you were bestowed with the blessings that you deserve.

This Christmas was an awkward one.  No familiar faces, weather or traditions. I'll give you a 2-second background.  The Netherlands, as a whole, doesn't celebrate Christmas in any way like we do; there isn't the commercialism like we have back home (which I'm thankful for).  Christmas is for Christians and for going to church.  As far as I understand it, not about presents or things like that (as a rule; but not every house is like this. Some do celebrate and have gatherings!).  So no matter what we did, it didn't feel right.  Which isn't to say I didn't enjoy myself, but just different, y'know?  We opened our presents Christmas Eve evening (I got an mp3 player! It'll help a lot at the gym!) because Christmas Day we got up and out the door for Mass.  Then his parents picked us up at the church and we spent the day with them.  They even added to my snowman collection :)  Best of all, they got us a new toy.  Okay, it was addressed to us, but really it's for me ;)

A Philips (his dad works there) 3-in-1 food processor/blender/grinder.  I was speechless.  I needed these products *so bad*.  In fact, I even hugged the box (they've got a pic of that, conveniently).  I've even contemplated giving it a name.....

Well, not much else to say today.  I've got some organizing to do.  I might start slowly taking decorations off the tree.  We're hosting a brunch Sunday so I have to plan for that to shop for it tomorrow *and* head to IKEA to exchange under-the-cupboard lights.  I swear, we should have stocks in that company by now for the amount of times we're there.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  I met with Father from church (the meeting I mentioned before) and it went well!  In fact, he emailed the choir director introducing me; I wrote her back... and it looks like I'm now in the St. B choir.  Eek!  Next rehersal is Jan 9th, I think.  I asked her if she saw any problems with my low Dutch vocabulary to which I got the response, "Well, learn it!" (So Dutch.)  And I am... but since I've been learning general vocab and food vocab, I now have to learn music vocab.  She said she has an Italian with her and she does fine, so I should be okay.  And it's funny how I'm approaching it; I am resisting change so much and so worried about how I'm not going to understand things and figure I'll get overwhelmed and lose track and.. and... and I never stop to think that maybe people will be patient and understanding and it won't be such a difficult transition after all.  So I'm trying to keep an open mind. 

Cultural Differences: to note (before Christmas is REALLY over); Christmas trees - are (9 times out of 10) decorated with white lights, not Multi-coloured.  Heaven forbid you decorate your tree with coloured lights ("it's not as pretty") or - gasp - twinkling lights.  lol.  Hearing some of their comments make me giggle (though I do like white lights...).   There is your random information of the day.

Up and moving I go!  Hope you're having a great week!

Getting There

For the first time in 5 months I experienced a less than perfect transportation system.  While trying to get to an app't in Groningen, the trains weren't running.  There was a bus giving a shuttle between towns, but that would have doubled my travel time and I would have been very late.  So I wrote and cancelled.  Then I tried going to English Mass tonight in Leeuwarden. The train was late and when I got there they were locking up because there was no one showed up.  Ack.  But then a saving grace...

A lady and I were trying to get in, not understanding why we couldn't when there was a scheduled Mass (this is when we noticed them locking up).  The priest actually came out of the offices and we got to talk for a few minutes.  He spoke English very well for a Frieslander and I asked if I made an app't with him sometime, if he could talk.  He was more than happy to make an app't on the spot, so we compared calendars and we are meeting next week.  We stood and spoke for a few minutes and I gave him a quick "This is where I'm from, this is what I'm doing" blurb.  He actually has family in Canada, so that explains his good English (I find this is common with natives - the good English being because of family in Canada).  Oddly it's always Canada and not the U.S.  Heh.  Go Canada!  I walked away feeling lighter and more at peace.  Happy.  I instantly felt better than I did with my interaction with the Groningen priest, so there is hope.  Despite it being cold, he was more than happy to give me some of his time to stand and talk a while. 

I casually walked through Leeuwarden, enjoying the lights and shops being open (I guess this Thurs evening was a late shopping day, but not normally so).  While there was no Mass, I thought about making a night of it while I was out.  Unfortunately I realized I was still a good walk away from some nicer shops, so I decided to head home. I caught the sneltrein (fast train) which got me home 20min faster than the stoptrein (even though it was 5 min late as well).

Cultural Difference: Shops will keep one or both doors open to give an inviting feel for you to walk in, even though it's 4 C out.  You wouldn't see that back home.  So, they choose higher heating bills (ironic, for a 'cheap' frugal culture) for a chance more people will feel easily welcomed into their store. 

Despite today's train interruptions, I'm home safe and warm.  I'm accepting the fact I wasn't supposed to be in certain places today, or if I was, late. And that's okay.  I made a hot chocolate, topped it with whipped cream and caught up on Facebook.  I've got Christmas music plays and I'm going to write a couple Christmas cards now and we'll see what else the night brings.  W. is working late so I have a couple hours to kill, yet. 

It's almost Friday, if that means anything for your schedule.  Hope your week is going well.  If you have snow, throw some this way.  It just doesn't feel like Christmas without a hint of snow.  I'm not sure Mother Nature heard my plea.

Tomorrow night is our town KerstMarkt (Christmas Market/Fair) and I'm really looking forward to it.  So happy it's just the next street over, so W. and I will walk over after dinner.  I'll see what I can do about getting pics. I'll close out with a couple of our tree...

I was hell bent on getting a real tree this year (for going without for so many years; and I mean many).  So off to the garden centre we went. W. wouldn't let me get a big tree, our apartment isn't that big, so we looked at small ones :)

 

 

 A small tree for a small apartment.  I like it, it's cute.  I'll give another picture as well, with it lit up.

 

 

Thankful

Good morning!  Happy Monday!  How are you recovering from the weekend?  There was a lot going on I hear; house-warming parties, wine tours.  My goodness you're a social bunch ;) 

Yesterday I held my (late) Thanksgiving dinner for a party of 6.  I was of two minds about it after last week's post/breakdown; I wasn't sure if I was ready to be surrounded by a few people or if I wanted time by myself, and When we arrived at the butcher Friday to pick up the turkey we were surprised; we ordered a 3 kilo turkey.  We were presented with 6.9 kilos. That's over a 15 lb turkey! For 6 people!  (Woo! Leftovers!)  That was the smallest they could find and they did give us a fair deal, price wise.  So we lugged out turkey home and found room for it in the fridge. 

There was plenty of food on the table and everyone was quite sated.  Turkey, ciabatta pancetta and apple stuffing (I made the night before and it was a hit), carrots, mashed potatoes, buns, green beans.  For dessert there was a simple apple crisp and (homemade) Toblerone Semifreddo (semifreddo = 'half frozen', similar to ice cream).  I have to say they were a perfect combination.  Then tea and winding down. 

His parents were sweet and got me a couple of small Friesian-style gifts (welcoming me to the country, STILL, after almost being here 4 months).  Of the friends that came (a married couple), she gave me a food item (for my recipes) I've had a hard time locating.  I've definitely been blessed to be around such generous people.  It was a very 'gezellig' (cozy) evening. 

Part of me is still very hesitant to get close to these people.  I've just left my home base and I'm conscious enough to not want to fill the gaping void with just anyone.  These people aren't just anyone, but I think it's taking a while for my head to catch up with my heart.  All part of the adjustment.

Speaking of which, I've been making more of a mental conscious effort to acknowledge my move/change and it's going well.  Much better than before, actually.  I'm trying to remain more in the moment than in my head.  Success.

I still miss Babu.

We had a time change this weekend.  And guess what.. they do it on a *Saturday*, not a Sunday.  I always joke w/W. that they do everything backwards.  Not this one.  It would make getting to work at the proper time on a Monday morning go *much more* stress free!  They've got it right!

Very windy today (gail force winds up to 120+km/hr) but sunny, so I might just chance going out for a walk.  If you don't hear from me in a day, send out the search and rescue ;)

Have a great day!

A Quiet Christmas

Well, the plague 'o death slightly lessens as I attempt to feel human.  Or at least, dress and try to disinfect this place so it doesn't linger any longer than necessary.  Still very tired, but don't want to over-sleep or I won't sleep at night.  Will nap before attempting Midnight Mass tonight.

So.. let's back up to the consulate visit last week.  It went very well!  And.. quite easy.  I didn't have to ask a single question; she intuitively knew I wanted to know if I was still a Dutch national.  And set my pants on fire... I am!  BUT.. I have to do paperwork to keep it.  Before Mar. 27/2013, cause that's when they change their laws.  Again (I've never met a country so finicky).  Did I mention in the 3 months some of that paperwork takes 2 months?  I stressed out just a little with that.  I've already started some paperwork, so we'll see what happens.  If this is the case, it would make a WHOLE lot of things easier.  So.. let's think positive :)

Christmas.  Bah.  It hasn't been a very joyous one for me this year.  Away from W., not being at the church (sick) and let alone can't sing (per said sickness).  It feels very lacking.  I asked my family if we could get together since this would be my last Christmas here, but they failed at that.  We aren't getting together until New Years, if even then.  That's not Christmas.  It's New Years.  Fail.  So, a friend and work colleague invited me to help her in the kitchen with her family Christmas, but it all depends how I'm feeling.  It wouldn't be fair to go like this, infect everyone and not have the energy to socialize.  So, I don't know.  But I really don't want to spend it alone.

I've felt really bad for not sending out Christmas cards, but as I look at my Christmas card holder I only have 3 on it (when it's usually full and brimming over), so I see I'm not the only one feeling busy or overwhelmed this time of year.  I wonder what it is.  That makes it universal, I mean.

I had 3 cats in my apartment today.  My neighbours across the hall are away and I'm looking after the boys. I felt so bad for not spending time with them (being sick, staying in) that I brought them over.  It's not their first time over, but it's their first extended stay.  It went well!  Everyone got along and they hung out.  It was fun.

Well, I think I've run out of things to talk about.  I hope everyone's Christmas plans are going well and you're spending the holidays with those you love.  Merry Christmas to your and yours.. and keep it a safe one :) xoxo

P.S - I can't close out, of course, without attaching the Hallelujah chorus, which I WILL be singing tonight.  Deathbed or no deathbed.  Oh.. good 'ol Andre Rieu..

Blessings.

The Weekend in the Big City

I thought I would try to write about last weekend before this weekend came up.

Went to Toronto with a friend to see the Roger Waters concert (Roger Waters performing The Wall, Live).  He performed the entire movie/disc.  It..was..FANTASTIC.  Wow.  Just.. wow.  Love.  Him.  He had an actual wall built, which served both as a screen and of course, pertaining to The Wall, symbolism (it was made out of large cardboard, or some sort of paper) and naturally, it came down at the end.  I was so mad at myself; I forgot my phone in the hotel room (stayed at the Delta Chelsea), so I couldn't take any pictures.  My friend did, though, so I'll grab them from her.  The music was fantastic, the sound was fantastic, Roger Waters doesn't sound any different and HE was fantastic.  You can easily see how much of an anarchist he is.  I couldn't say enough about the show.  It's probably fair to say it was close to being sold out.

So on the way out of the show back to the hotel, we stop at the Fairmont Royal York because I have to use the washroom, I wasn't feeling well.  We notice a wedding is going on (er.. the party afterwards).  Keep in mind this is like.. I don't know.. 11 or so at night.  So we walk up to the board outside the room that lists all the invitees, their table numbers, etc.. and what's the first thing we want to do?  Crash the wedding.  Oh yeah.  We look at each other in contemplation.  "If we weren't wearing jeans," I said.  Totally should have.  Would have made for a great story, getting kicked out of a wedding... AT the Royal York.  Pfft.. besides, they'd be half-pissed at that point, who would've noticed?  :P

We walked everywhere that weekend and I calculated we walked over 20km.  No kidding ("No wonder we were tired," she said).  Indeed.  But, we hit up a few places; The Cookbook Store (for me) and I got to visit my 'ol buddy Tom at the army surplus (we used to work together).  I got to show her Queen St. W. Sunday, so we walked there.  We walked down Queen as far as Niagara St (w of Bathurst) and we hit a restaurant, Edulis, that was suggested to me by my (restaurant) boss.  Please, if you're in the area and you can afford to go... go.  It's a really cute place with fantastic people and a fantastic menu (French, Spanish influence).  We walked back via King and hit up MEC; I haven't been in YEARS.  Felt really good to be in again, though we didn't get far as it wasn't my friend's kind of store.  As it was, she rushed me to choose a pack I was looking over (later purchased; so glad).  We wanted to hit up the ROM or AGO, but we were running out of money.  Keep in mind we were in Toronto for 2 full days; that's a lot of eating out.  

All in all it was a good weekend, but it was nice to be home.  I like visiting the city, but I'm usually just as happy to leave.

So.. it's going to heat up today and over the weekend.  I hope you keep cool.  Do you have any Canada Day plans?  I don't have much planned for the weekend at all.  Hit me up.

Oi!  Did all you local yokels know about Market being open for a trial period on Wednesday nights (3-7?).  Not as many vendors, but the essentials are there and it's nice not to have the crowds.

Oh, everything at the restaurant is going well!  It's foreign to work in a place where you're a) well-liked and b) appreciated.  I love the busy-ness, the energy.  Sorry I haven't been updating, but things have been hella busy.  It's an adjustment for me working two jobs, especially when they're at opposite hours.  On a good note?  I've already been offered full-time in the fall :)  There are pros and cons with it and I'm not going to make any rush decisions.  We'll see how the summer goes.

Stay cool, cats.

Merry Christmas

... Joyeux Noël!

... Buon Natale!

... Frohe Weihnachten!

... Nollaig Shona!

... Gelukkig kerstfeest!

... Happy Holidays!

I'll be singing at midnight Mass tonight with my fellow choristers and finalizing with the Hallelujah chorus.  Can't wait.  Tomorrow morning I've been invited to a friend's family brunch and I've picked up a shift in the afternoon.  After that, there might be baking!

However you celebrate it, I hope you celebrate it in ways your heart most desires.  Merry Christmas readers, and (if you celebrate particularly) may Christ be with you and your family this season.   

~ Jody

Healing

So, it was a most excellent weekend spent with friends and family :)

Saturday I was able to whip up a batch of Shortbread Chocolate Chip Cookies (melt in your mouth) and had a friend over in the evening for dinner and a bit of football watching.  Sunday I was Mass and breakfast and headed home to meet a friend at the pub quickly to pick up a stained glass piece she did for me, then I had to get home 'cause my sister was coming to pick me up to see the new baby.  He's so adorable.  So... we spent time in the hospital with baby and the new parents (I got to hog him and hold him for what seemed like forever... and Ienjoyedeveryminuteofit).  Oh look - there's that healing circle I was talking about :)  We rallied and sat around the bed and talked, shared birthing stories.  Then the new parents rested while the rest of us held down the fort/took care of baby/answered phones/took care of carpooling other's kids to-and-from, etc.  I myself, came away grounded after visiting the family.

Today I'm doing my own sort of healing (with food!) and cooking a stew in the oven; it takes 4 hours.  I think about how we (past and present) rally around in the kitchen for meals; the kitchen, when used, is the warmest part of the house (in winter).  Unfortunately, Babu doesn't share in my desire to 'share stories over the cutting board'; he just gets greedy and comes to pick up potato peelings :)

I'm going to go spend more time in the kitchen; it's the most enjoyable place for me to be right now.  I've got veggies to chop up for snacking and a chickpea salad to make for lunches.  Stay warm and attempt to stay stress-free the week before Christmas.  Spend time with who makes you happy.  Don't lose the art of story-telling; share your stories and reconnect with those close to you.

Still Alive

Hey all.  Haven't written much these days.  Dealing with ... stuff.  I like to throw a quote or two your way though, as you see, to let you know I'm still alive.

How are you?  How's your week going?  We got freezing rain here last night which made for slightly slippery roads, but it's dissipated since and now it's just.. cold. I spent the evening with friends that are family and I feel a bit better; a bit more grounded.  Content.

Is it just me, or is Christmas sneaking up on people?  I haven't even begun to think about Christmas shopping.  I have doubt about how much I'll be able to buy for presents; I'm still paying off Babu (which will be paid off in a couple weeks) and I've got to pay down a bit on the credit cards.. so.. I don't know.  I'm trying to think of an alternative to buying, but.. what?  I could bake.. but.. is that too.. predictable?  Common?  I have to buy for the parents, and my niece and soon-to-be-nephew (SO excited)..so I don't have much money outside of that.  I seriously need to marry rich.. sigh.. money just doesn't grow on trees.  Hmm.. I do like to entertain, so maybe I'll hold a big dinner?  An idea.  All I really want to do is spend time with people anyways.

My faith, after a brief hiatus, continuously increases albeit slowly.  I still have problems with some things, but right now it just seems a bit.. easier again.  Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before rising.   /crypticness

Cards.  I was looking for Christmas cards last night and didn't see any I like.  This is something I DO like to do, so I've gotta get on that.  I mean, are we REALLY near the end of November already?!  What just happened?

Applying for a second job is not going well; I'm not getting in anywhere.  I'm only mildly frustrated.  Give it time :P

I've succeeded in losing a few pounds.  Not much!  But a start.  Eating (mostly) Gluten Free is helping.  It's giving me encouragement to keep going.

Anyways folks, take it easy.  Stay safe if the weather is bad; dress warm; prepare.  Have a good rest of the week!

Catch-Up

Today's the first time in a couple weeks now, that I've had the mental capacity to do anything for more than 10 min at a time.  Okay, that might be a lie - I've since tried to do 3 other things within writing that first sentence.

There's mixed news on Babu; he gets better, he gets worse.. all on a day-by-day basis.  The roller coaster is exhausting.  I'm not eating much.  And that's all I have to say about that.

I haven't even thought about Thanksgiving until now.  If you're local and want to do something, let's talk.  At this rate with Babu, I'm not sure I can instigate/plan something, but I can definitely take part.  Part of me would like to hold dinner (I always like to), but I don't know.  I don't have a turkey.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Work?  Bleh.  This past week was nice; we had a staff appreciation week for our department.  Management did some cool stuff.  I won a prize yesterday (Gwyneth Paltrow's book, "My Father's Daughter" which in review to my surprise, is actually quite fantastic!  Will expand on it later.  A DVD from the American Culinary Institute on cuisine in Vietnam and the Island of Sicily and Lipton's Chai Tea which is the only pre-made tea that I've found closest to my own homemade chai tea).  But work itself?  I'm done.  Completely done.  And that's all I have to say about that.

My innards are good.  GF and dairy-reduced ended yesterday, but I'm still going to keep it up.

Choir is going well, but I haven't got my voice back yet.  I think I sound atrocious, can't stay on key or get there in the first place or hit the notes I used to.  And somehow, I've almost slipped down to alto.  I am, technically, a mezzo-soprano - I can do both, though I'm most comfortable with soprano... until now).  I hope I'll bounce back soon before Advent.  And that's all I have to say about that.

Otherwise, enjoying the weekend off.  I'd better get back to work; I'm trying to clean off my table as I'm having company tomorrow for dinner.  Hope you're having a great Saturday.  Get out and enjoy that weather & go for a walk - it's beautiful out!

Easter Is Coming!

... and that means a lot of time at church. I just came back from choir practice.

We've got some fantastic hymns coming; Lent & Easter is so good for that.  We're singing the Hallelujah again (remember the Hallelujah?) Easter Sunday morning (I love this video of it; the singers drive me nuts, they barely move (which is proper) but Andre Rieu is like, the best conductor evar).  Can't go wrong with the Hallelujah :)  Another one I want to introduce to you is Lacrymosa, we're singing it Good Friday service.  I searched YouTube high and low and I like this version the best; it's clear and you get a good 'feel' for it.  I don't quite sing it great, but I really do enjoy it.  Another one is Pange, Lingua, Gloriosi; it's a Gregorian chant; really nice to listen to.  I can just smell the incense (the priest lights) whenever I hear that song.  I can't find Jean Racine's Cantique in English anywhere online so this is the link to the original French. Our tenors are fabulous with this song.

We are singing a lot of songs over the next few days, but these are the ones that really take a lot out of us (in a good way - we enjoy singing them!).  I hope you've found the time to peruse them and have enjoyed them also.

It's late, so bed time for me.  Until later!

Does It Ever End?

AAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!

I want to cry.  Maybe even scream a little.

I hate life today.  Am I allowed?  It's only temporary.

Read that when I say I hate life, it means I hate me.

I'm mad at myself.  Yes I'm being too hard on myself.  Yes I need to be more gentle with myself and practice all the things I preach.  Yes I'm finding fault in being human - the exact opposite of what I believe in.  I'm going to talk some things out as I work them out in my head.

I have problems letting go of things (I know some of you that know me well are saying to yourselves, "Really Jody?  REALLY?  Well.. duh.").  I'm trying not to make a rhetorical statement.  And yes, before you comment further, I know this is a common human fault that everyone is guilty of.  I just hate today that I can get so wrapped up and lost in things.  I hate even more that I do it so easily.  It's stupid because I know this is who I am (or is it? Does it define me?).  I've come to terms the past year that I'm a very passionate person and not everyone... appreciates (or lets be honest, really.. knows how to handle) this character trait.  So do I have to conform?  Or does someone else need to conform to me?  Is it even about conformity at all?

I hate that I'm on this fucking holiday emotional roller coaster again.  Two days ago I was happy.  I was so happy and I had an inner peace that not even the explosion of the Death Star could destruct (random).  But today.... ahh.. to hell with today.  I don't want to go to work.  I just want to stay home, curl up with my cat and get lost in a book.  Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

When we let go, that's when things come to us.  It's when life happens.  When we don't try so hard and finally relax, God (or the universe, interpret it as you may) brings us what we need.  And it can be anything in any context - a job, love, family.  So how do you relax?  How do you let go of the one thing you want most?  When we focus on not "getting what we want" it amplifies the mood and makes it worse, as if there were such a thing.  Not only that, but for me (and this is strictly for me, I know the thought-process doesn't fit everyone) it distances me from God and what I hold sacred and trust most.  When I realize that it makes me sad.

It can be done but it's not easy.  In fact, I think I've proved with myself it's one of the most difficult things in the world.  I know I've written about this before and I apologize because I'm sure I'll probably write about it again.

Well, I'm going to take my sorry ass off the computer and grab some lunch.  I'm going to chalk my mood today to the weather (it's dreary and raining out) and PMS.  Anyone got a hug?

Looking Back, Looking Forward

It's just after 6am; I've slept my (interrupted by New Years texts, mind you) 8-hour sleep and feel fairly rested compared to the last couple days.  I was actually up at 5 this morning, but went back to bed to rest a bit more.  Babu laid with me, but then my stomach was growling so much I had to get up.

Went out with my buddy JL last night (he's an old highschool friend of mine, known each other 20 years now) and he helped me run a couple errands then we went and had sushi.  Now I don't eat a lot of fish, I mostly just go for the vegetarian stuff, though I am hooked on white tuna (which reminds me B., do you know how sustainable white tuna is?).  Twice I accidentally ordered a cucumber and avocado 'roll', instead of 'handroll' which I prefer.  Well hell, I had not 6, not 12, but *18* pieces of cucumber and avocado roll.  Sweet Jesus, I thought I was going to explode.  It's a good thing I love them :)  I started to get giddy after!  Plus tempura (mmm... tempura) and teriyaki chicken and my white tuna.  Gah.  I might have to go to Confession for gluttony.

So what originally brought this post was reading some of my friends' Facebook statuses last night.  It's a common phrase to say, "Lets hope this year's better than the last" but I feel compelled to analyze this statement.  We always say that, don't we?  We always think we've had such a shitty year that we expunge that feeling forward into this great sense of hope.  Now to be fair, I can personally attest that myself and some of my closest friends have had a really trying year; there's been border-crossings (new addresses), long-distance loves, difficult school semesters and the choosing of career to follow, losing relatives, losing babies, losing friends, health, the list goes on.  But what *successes* have you had?  Why do we, at the end of the year, always remember the bad stuff?  The last year was trying, I'll give you that, but look how more settled you are in your new life!  Those changes brought a new-found stability in the current life-role you're in.  If you're one of the ones that hasn't acquired the change you wish you had, I think it's still made you more concrete in your thoughts about what you want and it's giving you the power to go after it.

I want to challenge you (okay, it's not much of a challenge....or is it?) and I want you to give me the top three things you're most thankful for, for 2010.  I'd really like everyone to do this.  It doesn't have to be your "top 3", even just the first three things that come to mind.  Here's mine....

1. Learning infinite amounts about myself (that I can't contain in one post if I tried) that has helped me change into the person I want to be.  This is my top appreciation.
2. Learning a new appreciation for food; where it comes from, who it comes from, the process in which it's obtained and how to nurture my body with it.
3. Educating myself.  My mother said when I dropped out of college that I'd never go back (and honestly, I wasn't sure I would, either) but I did.  I've proved to myself you're never too old to learn.

Aaaaaaaaaaand... Go!

Best Wishes From Me To You

Wanting to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  I hope the holiday surrounds you with love and happiness.

All our best,
Jody & Babu.

Waiting For A Lull

Isn't it the way?  I complain I don't have plans with friends or family for Christmas and every day this week I've filled my social calendar in some way or form.  It's keeping me happy and not at all lonely.  Well, as much anyways.  My ideal Christmas morning would be waking up in someone's arms, but we can't always have what we want, can we?

I'm actually looking forward to some quiet time Christmas Day, Boxing Day if I have to have it; there is a ton of stuff around the apartment I'd like to do - including lounging around and getting into a book or two that have been waiting for me (for months, now).  I'll cuddle up with a nice blanket and a hot chocolate or two.  My room looks like a tornado has gone through it, so I could clean that, too.  Pop in a movie or two.  Snuggle Babu.  I'll fill the time.

Which reminds me, I took a few pics of Babu yesterday, I will upload them soon.

What are your plans?  Are you having holiday stress?  No stress?  Too many gatherings?  Not enough?  I wish you to be surrounded by love, whatever it is you're doing.

Ill-Tempered Post

Warning: language. Huge vent. Be advised.


So I emailed my sister this morning to ask what was going on for Christmas because I hadn't heard anything.  She said she was holding a family gathering for New Years Eve.  I said I can't travel... and even if I did, I don't have it off (I did, but there were changes to the schedule).  She's still trying to pare down a day and said our brother was driving over for the festivities. Seriously?

I CAN'T FUCKING TRAVEL!  What does she not get about this?  She knows my stomach is bad.  She SHOULD know, she's got fucking colitis for crying out loud.  AGAIN I am not going to be around family for Christmas and I've got the whole fucking holiday off.  Lovely.  I'm almost in tears.  I don't know why she doesn't get it!  We were discussing Christmas plans before and for the parents we were just going to have dinner (that town is just 20 min away).  So... I presumed we were going to have dinner with them some night.  Perhaps a faulty assumption on my part.  Her "dinner" is with the whole extended family in Niagara Falls for a day/evening/overnight.  *headdesk*

I can't take this.  You know what?  Maybe I'll hold something here.  I'll invite the parents and if K (bro) and his gf want to come, they're welcomed.  But watch.. the parents won't be able to come because of the restaurant.  Fuck.

I'm starting to hate this fucking holiday.  I might as well take down the decorations because there's nothing to get excited about anymore.  Every year I worry about spending it with someone.  Every year it gets more exhausting.  I asked Santa for a guy this year, cause, well, I'd like one and I think it's deserved at this point (but what the hell do I know), but at least if I spent it with him, I wouldn't be so sad about not spending it with family.  I want to start my *own* family.

Fuck this post is getting depressing.  I'm out.

Happy New Year...and Random Babbling

Happy New Year, everyone!  I hope you had a fun and safe night.  Did you spend it indoors?  Did you go out and brave the crowds?

I stayed in and was more than happy to do so.  New Years has never been a big deal for me.  I view it as any other day and I'm okay with that.  My predictions for myself and immediate loved ones: It will be a better year.  It won't come without some waiting.  I feel there's going to be waiting (story of my life, "Hurry up and wait").  A little bit of work, perhaps, but otherwise things are going to come easier and be more positive this year.  The previous hard work will start to pay off.  Things will come together.  I hope this goes for everyone around me.  We all deserve a better year.

I was also happy to stay in last night because yesterday just completely sucked.  My nerves were shot because of the blue moon, I had some minor stress about the other half, I got "spoken to" at work by my supervisor (which really wasn't called for, but I need to bite my tongue here), I was starting to get cranky because I've been coming down sick, and because I was sick I was very tired.  Aaaaargh!  Just everything at once.  But.. things are *much* better today all around (though I'm still tired).

It's lightly snowing out.  It's nice.  I've been puttering around the apartment; have laundry on the go now.  I've got to clean up the mess that is my dining table (which has become a catch-all for stuff).  The cat is self amused right now which is nice.  I've got dishes.  Anyone wanna come do my dishes?  You know you want to.  C'mon.  You wash, I'll dry ;)

One of my returning patients isn't doing well.  Doc's can't figure out why she's falling (she's elderly) and she's really going downhill.  First day she was in she was okay, now she can't even speak legibly.  It's hard to watch.  Some other regulars are finally being shipped out, so it's time to get used to a new round of patients.

I've taken all my Christmas stuff down but kept my snowmen up.  I've been going all day.  I really should think about eating soon and taking a break (I've been writing this on and off today).  Seems there's more I wanted to write about, but it all escapes me.  Oh right!  What the last year held.

In the past year, I took up a new position at work, added new (healthier) foods to my diet and kept most of them there.  I became more cognizant of how foods are prepared, consumed, produced, how they affect my surroundings, how important it is to buying local.  I became more in-tune with my body and my illness(es); how to control them (diet) and how not to (medications).  I took on (and still doing) a program at a college via correspondence.  I started volunteering.  I learned a LOT about myself (this itself could take up a whole page).  Gained some new friends, lost a couple.  There were also a lot of stresses and a lot of downfalls, but we won't concentrate on those :)

Well, I need to grab a snack before I meet a co-worker for a drink.  Hope everyone's had a great day!

It's Over

It's finally over.

I've been fighting a bug.  I don't know what kind of 'bug', but something irritating, nonetheless.  It's making me dead tired.  I'm keeping up on rest, my echinacea & goldenseal tincture and Vitamin C.

Work was nice and quiet tonight.  I wore my Santa hat and earrings shaped like red ornament balls.  They went over well :)  I thought it must suck to be a patient at Christmas, so anything to brighten someone's day.  We got a free meal at work tonight; turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies, the works.  Even dessert.  Yum.

Well, I'm really tired and this thing is kicking my butt, so I'm gonna get to bed soon.  Attention span isn't too long right now, anyways :)

I hope everyone had a great Christmas, however you celebrate it and that it was with people you love.

Christmas Eve

Today is good.

Babu has treats in his belly.  He's also very clingy and very vocal today for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I went out for errands and got another treat to sneak into someone's gift.  I stayed away from popular stores and their lineups.  I'm back home chillaxin' now, just taking it easy until tonight.  I might sit back and do some reading, or maybe clean up a bit.

Heading to friends, instead, for dinner and the evening.  My sister and I decided it was okay for me to stay here and we'll get together soon another day.  And I may not go to Midnight Mass.  I think I'll be going to the 8pm one instead.  I'm coming down with something (dead tired because of it) and I don't want to be too late getting to bed.  Hence the relaxing this afternoon.

Wishing everyone a blessed Christmas :)