There Are Good Days, and Then There Are Bad...

I went to the gym yesterday to meet up with a new friend.  Found her, chatted a bit and started on my workout.  Yesterday was just cardio so I hit the treadmill for a half an hour.  There were two women to my left who seemed to know each other and were talking.  After warming up, I increased my speed and started running for a few minutes.  They seemed amazed (?), said something to each other, then the lady closest to me looked over and said something Friesian with a smile.  I said in response (also with a smile), "Sorry, I only speak English." So she nods, turns around and starts talking to her friend again as if I didn't exist.  I received no acknowledgement at all. 

*blank stare*

Wtf just happened?  I was more put off by her rudeness not acknowledging me, than by her refusal to speak English.  This is what I face here sometimes.  When I say they don't speak English here... THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH HERE. 

When I detach my emotions from the situation, I can tell you she was startled at the English as it's not regularly encountered, probably felt too timid to try and it was just easier to not talk at all (at least, I hope this is it).  Was it rude?  Yes.  Is it a common response?  Not entirely.  When I ask people to say what they said in English, they get put off by it and don't repeat it at all, but at least most continue some form of conversation.  Also, if I step back, I could have approached the situation differently and responded in a way that was more open, and not perhaps closing off the conversation.

By the time I'd gathered myself together and thought of a proper, friendly response, they were done and had walked away.  Fail.

If I put my emotion back into it (like I did last night), I felt shunned, tiny, distant from a place I'm trying to connect, insignificant, like a jerk, wonder why I bother... I could make a list.  It also was a straw that broke the camels back and it felt 10 times worse than the situation actually was. It was another reminder that I'm the minority, this isn't my original home turf and I am of course the one that has to keep adapting, not necessarily them (at least I feel, more so).

My lack of response bothered me.  The past few years and the move especially, I've become this person who doesn't say anything, tries to be the nice guy and let's things just smooth over.  Anyone who knows me knows that's not who I am.  I don't get walked over.  I stand up for moments when I feel I'm being disrespected.  I give my opinion.  I'm a very passionate person.  I'm not a little mouse in the corner, I'm a raging lion.  Only, I know the reactions to the raging lion weren't always great and I have indeed become the little mouse - and now I'm trying to find a happy medium between the two.  So many circumstances have come up lately that this has now become something that I can no longer ignore.  It's time to change. 

How do you see this behaviour when you expected more of yourself and are disappointed on so many levels... and still practice self-compassion?  Brené Brown suggests expressing this intention, "I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love."  When your best friend or partner is beating on themselves for particular behaviour, do you say, "Yeah, you're being a jerk. You really shouldn't have done that. What were you thinking?"  No.  We approach them with love and kindness and give them the best empathetic response we can.  It doesn't make saying that to ourselves any more acceptable. 

I have to practice what I preach.  Which is not easy.

Y'know what?  It really sucks having to be a grown up sometimes.  The only thing I wanted last night was to shut off, escape somewhere where my problems ceased to exist.  I wanted to not make an effort.  I wanted my home, my city, my street, my cat, my friends.  I wanted the familiar.  I am building a (fantastic) friend base here, but it just didn't feel the same to reach out to them.  I wanted to call someone up from back home, go for a coffee and vent it off and go window shopping. 

Instead, I cried it off, called it a day, woke up and brushed myself off and am trying this thing called life integration again.  Hiccups will happen, I know that.  This just reminded me to keep my wits about me and to try and remain more open to those around me who might have a harder time at adjusting to conversation than I do. 

In the end I am thankful I get to learn about myself.  Onward and upward!

Shoe Shopping

I am alive.. and well!  Well, well enough.  Still regaining energy (happening at a snails pace) but otherwise on the mend.  Thank goodness!  That was just... hell.

So a couple days ago I went shoe shopping.  I'm going to join the gym next week (very affordable, compared to back home) and wanted to get suited up.  So I walk in and tell the guy I need new shoes.  He tells me they have a process, and in about a half hour I will have said shoes.  A process.  Okay.  He explained it briefly and while a little involved, otherwise painless and why not.. I had half an hour to kill. 

First you take off your shoes and socks and step on this plexiglass device, which underneath is lit in neon colours.  It tells you if you have high arches, fallen arches, etc etc.  It was kind of cool.  Then he gives you a shoe in approximate size and he watches you run (they actually have a test strip in the store) and you're vidoed (just at foot level); afterwards you review the tape together.  I knew I had a pronation when I walk, but when I run not so much; my ankle rolls slightly inward when I run, but not enough to need anything specific or fitted (I can have a shoe with a neutral heel).  So he brings out 3 pairs of shoes.  The first pair you try on both feet.  You run, he watches.  Then you replace one with another shoe.  Run again.  Then replace one with the lesser-liked shoe.  Run again (this final shoe was a definite no for me).  Then try both shoes of the same pair that you like and walk around/run again.  See?  Involved.  In the end, though, I did get a shoe I liked a lot (Psst.. CS.. they're part purple!).  I've never owned Acics before so I'll be interested to see how these hold up.  He recorded my information for next time which was also nice.  I got a 10% discount thanks to my health Insurance and off I went, shoes in hand.  I tested them out today.  They make me very happy :)

I have never experienced anything like this back home and I've had my fair share of running shoes.  Mind you, I would get them in the mall, and not in "special" stores for runners (where this was) so I don't know if we have those back home or not.  This experience was another example of how things are in the Netherlands (comparitavely); they take the time to do something right the first time and experience (ideally) lesser hassles in the future.  I'm sure it's safe to assume this store has less complaints and returns.

When I bought my winter boots (functional, yet fashionable) I was offered a spray.  Oh, not this again I thought; trying to sell you something you don't need and will never use.  But that's not how the Netherlands works.  They sell you what you need for the product you're buying, not in an attempt to gain more profit.  I discussed this with my (Dutch) friend at the time (my views, opinions etc) and yeah.. different mindset. 

Babble

It's overcast again today.  The weather is ubiquitous" with the region; rainy, as you hear it is.  I forget how many days it's rained in a row.  I've lost track.

Not much to write about today.  I'm still struggling with the thought process "admitting I'm overwhelmed is a sign of weakness" and I've been thinking more (conciously, if that makes sense) about the move and it's going quite well.  I'm "re"adjusting.  Or is that re-re-adjusting?  Anyways, I'm embracing the change one day at a time... and now... it's time to push through.  Next week I will be getting my feet wet and going with a friend to find out if I can volunteer with the retirement home in town. 

I need to generate an income as things are tight, so I've been looking into working from home and selling my baking.  Unlike back home, apparently you don't have to have a registered (Health & Safety) kitchen to do so (though I believe the rules change if you do catering).  This is nice to know.  I think I will need to register as a business, though, as I'll need to advertise, do electronic payments and declare my income.  What rules are attached to requirements of a business (min work hours per week, etc) still need to be further researched. 

I think importing maple syrup is not a wise business proposition.  This makes me a little sad.  I did a bit of research with expats and they all seem to know where to find maple syrup (usually from Canada; sometimes not), so I wouldn't have cornered the market like I thought I would.  I'm not laying the idea to rest yet, but I'm not sure now is the right time.

My energy has been beyond low lately; I don't feel like doing *anything*.  Haven't been very productive at home.  W. says he's been feeling the same, so I think we'll start taking Vit D supplements.  I know my B12 has not caught up yet (my doctor and I have agreed to disagree on his dosage recommendation) so I might take supplements for that as well.  Not feeling energetic/motivated has also dampened my desire to go to a gym.  If I don't have energy for things around the house, how am I supposed to find the energy to work out? ...despite the desire.  With the added weight, worsening body image and lack of desire, I'm going to head straight into a depression if I'm not careful. 

On that happy note, I think I might go make lunch.  Then after - cupcakes with buttercream icing!  Yum!  I've been putting this recipe off far too long so it's time. 

It's Wednesday, so we're almost there!  Hope the rest of the week goes smoothly for you!

A Glorious Morning

First I don't blog for a week, then I blog every day.  I guess that's how it goes.

I got up a bit earlier than usual today (04:41 to be exact) and felt awake.  I knew if I went back to sleep I'd feel worse, so I stayed up.  I laid in bed, though, with my eyes closed and just thought about things.  I had some weird flashbacks of my childhood; things like singing in the main foyer of my public school with my Grade 4 (class and) teacher.  Or running errands downtown with my mom and seeing my Grade 2 teacher behind the library (when I was around 12, you couldn't get my head out of a book).  Why I was having these memories was beyond me.  Then I remembered a dream I had; JC had to go to the hospital and I went with him (the semantics of if I was already with him or if I had to purposely take him is lost).  I remember the staff, the stretcher, the waiting room, the doctor (none of it real-world familiar - it was all made up in dreamland).  I remember we were waiting for a doctor, then all of a sudden the doc had come and gone and I have a feeling I was left waiting without him, he'd already left.  Not entirely unresembling real-life feelings.  Random.

My alarm went off and I got up with my usual morning routine.  Wasn't feeling too bad this morning and left for Mass.  Walked down the street, crossed the lights and stopped dead in my tracks (I'm sure some people must have thought I was nuts).  Wait.  It's Thursday.  There's no morning Mass on Thursdays.  But, there wasn't evening Mass, either.  So that must mean it's at noon.  But I couldn't quite remember as I forgot to look at the schedule before I left the house (there's a different Lenten Mass schedule and I remember doing the same thing last year).  So I started to turn back.  Then I stopped again.  (Heh, if you're starting to worry if I'm losing it, you're not alone :P)  I ended up thinking that I'd go anyways since it's such a nice morning and have a walk, so I turned back around.  If there was no Mass, I'd keep walking, if there was, great.  So I got to the top of the hill (I'll take a picture of this for you some day) and as I suspected, no Mass.  So I kept walking.  Took the back way home (out near your neighbourhood, JK) and enjoyed nature.  The cardinals are out in full swing!  It's fabulous.  Oh, but the Canadian Geese are back and I swear this bird is the bane of my existence.  You don't understand my hatred for this bird (well I'm very sorry! but I almost got attacked by one at work!)  I had a very friendly, very vocal short-haired tabby say hello on my route.  He let me pet him for a bit :)  It was nice to have some quiet to just walk and think about things.  Oh how I miss the luxury of just being able to walk for hours.  My sugar was dropping as it was and needed to get back.

And here I am talking to you :)  The sun has been out and I think today's going to be fabulous.  Sadly I missed picking up a shift because I told a friend I'd watch her kid.  I didn't want to leave her stuck, so I kept my word.

Well, I think I'm going to catch up on some reading.  I'm 3 issues behind on my Canadian Business.  Tsk tsk. I know some of you are travelling today, please be safe.  And some of you are starting (theatre) shows, break a leg! (and sorry I can't come!)  And if you're working, don't forget to smile.  Wherever your Thursday takes you, be sure to have a happy one.

I'm At It Again

Well, I've kept it a 'secret' because if I talked about it, I wouldn't do it/go through with it (I'm funny like that. I'm all talk in my head and sometimes I over-talk things and never physically carry them out).

Tonight I went to my first yoga class.

Post-assessment, I'm feeling very tired.  My stomach is a little angry with me (part bloated/PMS, part IBS saying 'what the hell was that').  So tired.  But I felt good after class and otherwise continue feeling so.  I'm carrying myself better, I'm not rushing and I'm more mindful of my steps. But can I have my bed now, please?

I have laundry to put away and a small dinner to make before I have an early bedtime.

Just wanted to share :)

Edit:  Gah.  I totally forgot half the reason why I started writing this.  Just when I thought I was done learning, I've thrown myself with propulsion into yet another class, another learning activity.  And it happened right under my very nose.  It seems a lot of what I do is without much thought and just seems sort of... automatic.  I guess I'm not done learning after all, right when I thought I was.

Updates & Stuff

I'm having a tea this morning instead of coffee.  Letting go of coffee has been easier than I thought.  I'm not cutting it out completely, but I'm not having it everyday like I used to.  Maybe once or twice a week or so.  I was going to say it's easier to let go of something when it brings you discomfort, but that's not always the case (as is with coffee; I was having 2-3 cups a day).  I'm not sure where to start when it comes to updating you on what's going on, so I'm just going to start babbling.....

School - Courses are completed (I'm sure I've mentioned this by now) but I still have to figure out my overall average for the program.  Hmm.. maybe it's listed online.  Let me check my account.  Hmm.. but that means I have to find a paper with my student number on it.  Which also reminds me, I have to apply for my certificate.  .....*ruffles around with papers in bedroom*......*looks for 20 min but can't find anything*..... Right, well, that's going to have to wait.  I really need to get in there and clean up.

I've been hearing more blue jays the past few mornings and geese the past couple.  It's that time of year again.  I've got my living room window slightly closed; it's really dropped in temperature overnight (down to 9C).  The days are lovely, though (around 25C/75F).

Work - I think hours will be cut more in October than September as planned.  The later the better for me.  In September I'm taking a Leadership course.  It's a once-a-week lecture (for several weeks) to improve, obviously, your leadership skills.  This is important for me as I have the drive to lead, but lack some... how shall we say.. tact :)  I'm there to do a job and I will direct you to get said job done.  Only, not all people like my directness and I have to.. *shudder*... soften my edge a little.  Honestly, I hate conforming.  It's not for me.  But, having said that, I understand you attract more flies with honey.  Maybe I can look at it differently than 'conforming'.  Hmm.  Oh, funny story:  An email was sent out to pick up the course materials.  I went down to pick them up and as she handed them to me I said I already received them.  She looked puzzled.  She said, "Are you sure?  I just made these yesterday."  Me, "Um... yeah.  I received them in an inter-office envelope last week."  We both pause and look puzzled.  "Are you SURE?" she says.  "Yup."  So it's a total mystery as to how I got the same course material a week before she made it.  Odd, indeed.  Meant to be?

Health - I've been sleeping okay for the most part.  The Breathe-Right nose strips have been a God-send.  They let me sleep through an entire night now and I feel more rested the next day.  I think I still feel really run down from my forever-lasting cycle.  I'm taking ferrous fumerate (a form of iron) to try and give myself a boost, so I've cut down to half a pill a day because it was upsetting my stomach something severe.  I'm not really noticing a difference, to be honest.  I will try to get my next B12 shot soon.  I've been cracking down on my eating habits again as I was getting a little lazy (it really is hard to recognize and resist so many carbs!).

Personal Growth - Boy, I don't think I have enough time in the day or space in this entry to write everything that's happened the past 72 hours.  Lets just say I feel the weight has been lifted off my back.  175lbs of weight, that is.

Cryptic - Remember my significant coffee friend?  Yes.

I read this, this morning: Scientists Crack Wheat's Genetic Code.  I have a sneaky suspicion this isn't an entirely good thing.

This article made my stomach turn: Women Need Antibiotics Before (not after) C-Section.  Just.. wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.  I understand in some cases it may be needed, but.. man.  (Note: yes, my opinion, not based on medical fact, but I'll be DAMNED if you stick me with a) something I don't want and b) something that will get into my baby's bloodstream, also what I don't want).  /rant

I have a random craving for a Starbucks Tazo Chai Latte.  Thanks, CS :P

It was JH's birthday yesterday.  A ripe 25.  I woke her up early (muahahaha) and arrived at her door with flowers and took her out for breakfast.  I remember 25; I also did a lot of maturing at that age.  Things change.  Priorities in you shift.  Do *you* remember 25? :)

Prayer Life - I've found this fantastic site, Pray-As-You-Go (it's UK-based, as it turns out) and they have daily prayers you can download (on the site, or to an mp3 player).  I've listened to them every morning this week, almost first thing before my day starts (but of course, you can listen to them whenever, this is just what works for me) and they're just fantastic.  They last about 10-13 min, so if you can spare the time (or curiosity), I encourage you to give it a go.

Yesterday I tried, Jillian Michaels 30-day Shred.  Holy hell, am I sore today.  If I had more energy this morning, I would have given it another go, but I'm not feeling great.  There are a lot of girls at work trying it and I thought why not.  I need an extra kick in the ass.  It will definitely tone you, that's for sure.  At this point, even if it skims an inch off I'll be happy.  I'll keep you posted.  (I'll also keep you posted if I keep it up.  Aries are famous for starting things, but never finishing them.)

Well, I think I've talked your ear off today.  It's Friday and my weekend off, only I picked up a shift for Sunday.  I don't ever work my weekends off (I get so few) but this person begged and pleaded (okay, I might have a bit of a soft-spot inside, but don't tell anyone).  The hours will be nice on the next paycheque.  Tomorrow I'll be going to market early-early to get peaches for canning.  Wish me luck!!  Hope everyone has a great weekend!  Get out and enjoy the weather :)

Later Edit: Forgot to include a link.

Taking It Easy

Well, the past couple days have been nice not having the stress of waiting for my course to be done.  I'm finally able to get to some of the things I need to clean around the house and writing emails long overdue.  Still have lots of catching up to do.

On the dating scene: I wish there wasn't one.  Oh the drama.  I had a nice guy message me a few days ago and it started to go well.  He was an RPN in a long term care facility, a year older, good looking and seemed to have his head on his shoulders.  Not so much.  I'll make all of this brief: he lied to me about a) kids and b) religion (and these are major things, regardless of our individual viewpoints) so I had to tell him to take a hike (nicely, of course).  So much for that.  I'm only a little sad because it would have been nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day who understood things when I talked about work.  Oh well.

Not much else to report.  Babu is FAT.  We both need to go on a diet.  Oh yeah, I've been eating better, but have not been losing weight. Not happy.  Haven't been doing enough swimming yet, so...

Am I forgetting anything?  What would you like to know about?

Hope everyone's well.  I'm trying to get out to everyone's blogs again :)

More Hours In The Day?

I wonder some days if you folks don't wonder if I'm still alive.  Sorry for the minimal posting.

Today's a day off (one day off within a 2-week period. And you wonder why I thought about switching departments.. pftt) and it's filled.  I hate the one-day off's... they fill up so quickly.  So many things on the list, not enough hours in the day.  Which reminds me, as I finish my first cup of coffee, I need to get laundry started.

....pauses to get dressed, assemble laundry and take downstairs....

There's been a lot of buzz around work with the new change-over last weekend in the kitchen. Thankfully my job isn't affected until September.  There's a lot of disgruntlement, though.  There was also an incident last week with 2 supervisors and there was mis-communication (an email) that was accidentally read by one of my friends/co-workers which put her to tears (they spoke about her in a very non-supervisory sort of way).  So that still has ripple effects.  It's not a happy time in the Food Services these days.

It's also been quiet patient-wise.  Sorry I have no stories for you of late.  I've had a rotation of new patients and I'm getting to know them all over again.  No exciting stories yet.  I've been noticing, more than lately though, that some of them just want someone to talk to.  It's kind of sad, but very understandable.  I wish I could afford more time during my shift but it's so tightly-knit I just can't.  I do well to take 5 minutes out of my routine to talk sometimes and I don't mind that, but I don't always have the ability.

My health has been alright; about the same.  Last night was my last night with the CPAP machine trial.  I didn't enjoy it at all.  If you ever have to sleep with one of these things... good luck.  I think it helped a little, but I didn't sleep with it much; it always came off halfway through the night (by my doing rather I was conscious of it or not).  I have a couple other discoveries and avenues I want to try, so I'm going to give those consideration before I see the doc at the end of August again for a check-in.  I have my stress test tomorrow. Good times.

I've taken up swimming!!  I'm so excited.  I used to be a 'fish' (my mother called me) when I was younger.  LOVED swimming.  I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner - it's good for the heart, the lungs, building up endurance.  I went with a friend last week and we were there a full hour - half of which was doing laps.  It was fantastic.  Once we go a couple times for laps, casual swim, we're going to try an aquafit class.

I HAVE to finish studying this week, finals are due at the end of the week and I haven't wanted to touch 'em with a ten-foot pole.  Then I'm DONE!  Finito!

Can I tell you (randomly) how much I love Mozart's Symphony No. 25?  There's so much going on in that piece.

Ugh... so much cleaning to do today.  I'd better get to it.

I hope everyone's week has started off well! :)