On Fighting Depression

I don't know who, if anyone knows, but I suffered from depression in my teens.  It was an awful time.  Met a therapist who, God love her, was fantastic.  She taught me a lot.  Said depression came and went over the years.  Subsided for (most of) the time I was in G-town, but it's decided to rear it's ugly head lately.  Two years being out of work, reduced funds and almost no social life will do that to ya.

Except...

Except now I saw it a *lot* more easily than I used to before.  Not only was I aware it was/is happening, but I now have the tools to properly deal with it.  It's funny, cause I think back in the day when I used to have it (when I was younger) and I had no idea what was happening; how to sort through my thoughts and feelings, how to approach it holistically and not by medication (to be fair, there was only one time I medicated), how *not* to think I was crazy.

Now?

Now I know I'm not crazy (okay, maybe that's still open for debate...teehee).  Now I know how to approach mindfulness, either through quiet time, meditation or prayer.  Now I know that by controlling my diet and activity, my energy and my body are a bit more relaxed.  Now I know how important self-care is.

That's a lot to be thankful for.

The external circumstances haven't changed, but my outlook towards them has.  The big message the universe is drilling through me is 'gratitude'.  It's been happening for a while now; I'll always find something to be thankful for, even in the worst of situations, but it's continual now.  Find gratitude.  Find gratitude.  Find gratitude.  I almost feel this is my life purpose and I'm to bring this way of thinking to others.  I'm only partly joking.

Find gratitude, and you will have (be given? I'm not sure of the right term here) grace.  Grace, in turn, will continuously flow back to you.

Oprah once said, "Be grateful for what you have, and you will attract more to be grateful for." I whole-heartedly believe this.  Why?  Because it's proven itself in my life time and time again.

Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days.  Sometimes our personal life situations (which in themselves are stressful, especially lately) are too much and I'm in tears.  But I no longer 'wallow' in self-pity and sit and nom at a batch of cookie dough.  I feel shitty for a day, maybe I cry, I move on... because now I know no other way.  I've trained myself so well that I can't do that (wallowing) anymore in good conscience.  I'm stronger than that and I know I deserve more than that.  And I know those around me deserve more than that, too.

It's funny (though not at the time) that it sucks, cause when I'm low, I hate that I know I'm still strong.  Sometimes you still want to bury yourself under a pile of blankets, not exist, eat a tub of Ben & Jerry's and feed into the self-loathing.  Unfortunately that's too easy and I'm someone who likes a challenge.  You just gotta keep on keepin' on.

We've also been sugar-free for over a month now and I wanted to do a blurb on the new opinions I've been having about the type of diet to have (not just me, but everyone), but perhaps when I find more time I will write another post.

Be well, people.  Do something special for youself this weekend (an hour of quiet time sans kids? A walk through a city garden?  Buy that one thing for the house you've had your eye on for a while? ).  Then after you do that, pass it on and do a Random Act of Kindness for someone else.  That'll make you feel good, too :)

Conneticut

Warning: Possible expletives NOT deleted..

*sigh*

I hate having to voice an opinion about this.  I hate that this even happened that I have to feel so passionate to voice an opinion about something so evil.  Opinion won't be accepted by everyone, all depends what your views are, y'know?  Take what I say with a grain of salt.

First, please don't believe everything you read in the news.  I learned this years ago being the partner of someone in the military.  That's the #1 golden rule.  The news makes everything seem so concrete - but they're only reporting for their angle and with the information they've been given.  Much can be taken out of context.  And you don't know the context because *you weren't there*.  So please, be cautious.

Which leads me into..Second, please be careful what you hear/read/believe about mental illness.  Already being coined with mental illness, personality disorder, autistic, it's situations like this that give a negative stigma to real but (usually) passive disorders.  I'm no expert but I don't know a single autistic (granted, I don't know many) who wants to go around killing people.  No.  There was something else there going on.  I have a good friend who deals with these personalities on a daily basis and she'll be the first to back me up.  Please remember there's more going on behind the scenes than we know.  Mentally ill?  Perhaps.  Didn't feel enough love from those immediately around him to express the anger, hurt, rage that was bothering him?  I'm sure that's guaranteed.  They say he was an honour student.  I'm going to guess he knew what he was doing. He took himself out because he knew if he didn't he'd be spending a lifetime in prison.  I'm not sure which hell is better.  Or worse.

Third, I can't identify as a parent, but it still pulls at my heart.  Kids.  KIDS.  *sigh*  Fucking hell.

Last.. and the positive.. Yes, hug your kids tighter.  Yes, love and appreciate those who surround you.  But remember..*you are alive*  Rather you or those kids, your time will go when you're meant to go.  Give thanks and gratitude for the life you have and that you're able to give it to begin with.  Filter what you read.  Don't put anymore sadness or negativity of the news in your head or household than you need to.  Enjoy the day.  Really enjoy it.

Christian?  Pray for his soul.  Pray our Lord hears his cries and comforts him on the rest of his very painful journey.
Not?  Be thankful that whatever misery he found himself in, he's now out of and isn't a threat anymore.  Keep the victims in mind and heart and surround them with light and love.
Go do a Random Act of Kindness.

/soapbox

Now go out and love!!  :)

Those Damned Vampires....

It's a great morning to wake up to; it's cool, but not cold (windows are open), it's quiet, slightly overcast (why is that good you ask? Because it's not the rain we've been getting for almost 2 weeks straight).  I dare say the sun is trying to show.  But don't worry, I hear the rain is coming later today :/

I'm looking at my plants in the window and I need new pots.  Some need bigger pots, some need to be separated and need new pots all together.  And I need dirt.  Even to re-pot some of my current ones.

Moving forward.. some info not for the sqeamish......

So.. for the first time yesterday I went to donate blood at the Canadian Blood Services site in town.  It's kind of a funny word, isn't it?  Blooooooooooooood.  Anyways, they were super nice there the minute I walked in the door.  They test your blood when you walk in, to make sure your hemoglobin is high enough (138, thank you. Has to be 125 to pass).  Then you fill out this questionnaire (so random questions, I can't even tell you).  Then you go behind doors with a nurse and they ask you more personal questions (sexually-related) and take your blood pressure, etc.  Then you go out on the nice, comfy chairs and they start to siphon you.  Well, I told the girl she'd have a problem finding a vein (dude, I'm tapped out from all the health stuff I got tested for before) but thank God she's very good at what she does and she found one no problem.  Then she brings out the needle.  I'm like, "What the hell are you going to do with that?!" lol.  It was a 16 gauge needle.  Crazy.  That's what we used on CZ's farm to inject cows.  COWS.  Just sayin'.  (If you're curious, such a large needle is used because they're trying to gather whole blood.  If the needle is too small, it'll break apart the cells and well, it's not exactly what they're looking for.)

So apparently I've got "good blood flow" and it was over before I knew it.  I thought you sat there for a half an hour, but I think I was done in like.. 10-15 min at most?  Had some juice and cookies (quite the selection, I was impressed) and apparently I looked "flush" so they made me lay down with my feet up.  Boy, they were on me like white on rice.  Laid down, feet up, cold cloths on my forehead, neck and arms.  THEN I got dizzy and nauseous.  I didn't like that at all.  That passed in a few minutes and I felt fine.  Sat up and got dizzy again.  Ugh.  Anyways, after a few minutes I was fine and left with my friend to have lunch (that's all I needed was food).  Overall, a very good and positive experience.  Lenten penance completed (albeit a little late. Oops).

So please go out and donate if you can!! They need you!  :)

Thoughts

What a great start to the day (well, even if it's a late start - it's almost noon).  I got to talk to an old friend on the phone and catch up a little.  I miss S.  He's in Toronto, on the east side, and I'm....not.  I hope to head to the big city this summer, spend a couple days and meet up with people.  He'll be at the top of the list.

I went to bed with a heavy heart last night, but it's lifted a bit.  It hasn't completely gone away, but it has made dealing with the day more bearable.

With the recent birthday, I got thinking on the way to work yesterday; why do we care?  Why do we care what day we were born?  It's just a day like any other.  We're senselessly counting down the days to the end (macabre, I know), reminding us we're "another year older".  Do we need an excuse to be with friends, family?  To party?  To give presents and show someone we care?  The Jehovah Witness are the only one's I'm aware of that don't celebrate birthdays (not to turn this into a faith-thing, just observing, and my gram is JW, so I know first-hand.  Ha!  Did she flip when she heard I converted to Catholicism!).  Moving on.  So I'm trying to search for a more positive spin on birthdays.  Not that spending it with friends and family isn't positive.  Sigh.  You know what I'm trying to say (I hope).  Anyways, most of these just start out as thoughts and don't progress to anything else, so...next topic....

The last two courses have been applied for so I await paperwork.  I hear they're a little easier than the last ones I did.  Phew.

Helped an old lady up on the curb yesterday on the way to physio.  Her husband dropped her off at the side of the street and she walked towards the curb and you could tell she was trying to judge how to approach it (the street is under construction and the final layer of pavement isn't on yet, so there were two levels she had to walk up).  Hehe.. she looked back at her husband with a look of, 'Well, now why did you drop me off here, how the hell am I supposed to climb up this curb??' and looked back at the curb.  Enter me.  I went down to ask if she needed help, she accepted and I grabbed her hand and helped her up.  She thanked me a couple times, I said 'welcome', smiled and went on my way.  Turned back, gave her a husband a nod of 'I'm okay' and also went on her way.  Is this a big deal?  No, it shouldn't be, but to me it is a bit.  I chose not to walk by, I chose not to ignore her like I could have (and many do).  I made the conscious decision to not ignore.  Was it a hard one?  Shamefully, a little.  But I hope it'll help me to do more acts like that in the future.

Seems there was so much more I wanted to talk about, but it's completely left me.  So I guess I'll clean up after making pancakes this morning, get dressed, putter around a bit.  Hope everyone's having a good week!

Random Acts of Kindness

I am amazed by the kindness of people, sometimes. It's not encountered enough (hence the amazement).

I have a friend, we'll call her L. (I'm not sure if she'd mind me speaking of her publicly, so first initial will be used). L. is 26 and has cancer; its a rare form and will eventually kill her. It's a sad fact and sadder still that she's so young. I wanted to send L. a package of...something. Something to let her know she's thought of, cared for, regardless of our distance (she's MST and I'm EST). She doesn't get a lot of support from her immediate family/friends, so I've assigned myself her personal cheerleading coach. Why? Why not? No, it's not something I have to do, but I know I've 'met' her for a reason and I've assigned a purpose for myself in our friendship. Everyone needs a cheerleader in their corner, especially when they're dealing with a mortal illness. Anyways, she started chemo (again) today and I wanted to send her something to make her smile.

While downtown running errands, I pick up a sort of motivational card. Hopefully it'll make her smile. Then I ran into the chocolate store and looked for chocolates for her (milk chocolate, mint, was her favourite from a discussion one night). While the lady behind the counter was helping me look for milk mint chocolates, I was telling her L.'s story. We found the perfect mint chocolates (shapes of daisies), she was wrapping them up and she turned around to hand them to me and said, "These are on the house". *gasp* I was speechless and very touched. It seems she dealt with cancer with her 16yr old cousin ("Why do they keep getting younger?" I said) and she was moved by L.'s story and she understood how difficult it was to watch someone go through chemo. We were both almost in tears by the end of our talk. So I thanked her profusely and went on my way.

I went to the post office to mail said card and chocolates and they weren't quite fitting right in the padded envelope to fit as a 'letter' (would then have to mail as a parcel, which would be $8 if not more). After some discussion, we un-did the envelope, re-arranged the chocolates flat and she cut up a file folder to fit, wrapped it around the chocolates so they'd stay flat, and it all fit perfectly, and as a size of a 'letter'. A dollar and change. Fantastic. It should be there by Friday.

L.'s strength amazes me on a daily basis, even when she's feeling weak. It makes me feel bad gripin' about my own stuff, when someone younger than me has to go through something 10 times as hard. She's started chemo today and will get analyzed weekly to see if its stopping or spreading. She feels like hell already and I wish I could be there for her, but my card will have to do.

Let's think positive thoughts for L. this week, k? She needs all the help she can get.