A hundred things to do and all I want to do is (feel overwhelmed not being able to pick one and) procrastinate and blog. I'm feeling quite hungry so I've grabbed leftovers of a salad in the fridge until I can decide what to make for a real lunch. I have a craving for mac 'n cheese, but I don't think we have the necessary ingredients for me to make it.
I've been quiet for the past month because I've been working out a lot in my head. Almost a month back I'd had a bad day. Like, a really bad day. I'd become so homesick, I'd felt this bottomless black pit of a swirling hole inside me that was no longer filled. I wanted nothing but to go back. I felt trapped. I felt alone. I fell into a deep depression (uncrontrollable crying, not eating, oversleeping, no talking, etc) for 24hrs. I'd left my family (read: my friends are my family). How could I leave my family? I felt the pangs of separation like I was that 12-year old girl away at (2 week-long) camp for the first time. The inconsolable pangs of questioning if you did the right thing, how to fix it and how to make the pain go away (read: get home as soon as possible). Even in my darkest hour I know I've done the right thing, that was no question, but I also knew there was no taking the pain away. I'd just have to ride it out. I knew my friends were my family and I knew I relied on them a lot, but it only occurred to me now how much. I'd been grateful enough to receive care packages from a couple friends when closer to when I first arrived and I'd wanted nothing more at this time, yet I had problems asking for it. I'd wanted that tangible...something.. that helped me feel connected to a place I'd left behind. I didn't want to put anyone out and I guess I knew it was a temporary 'feeling' and as soon as it would pass, that 'tangible something' would arrive beyond my difficulties. Funny thinking, that. As if I could appreciate something like that any less.
I didn't discuss it with any of my Canadian friends, by choice. It was part of letting go and the growth process. I know I could have, and I know I would have been loved and consoled. But this was also an opportunity for my "new" family to prove themselves (for lack of better terms), or to show me what place they will take in my life, just like everyone had a place in my life in Canada. I'm not trying to say this in a haughty way. I'm not trying to replace you at all, but in such circumstances, one needs to find ways on creating a new life in an effort to fill the void. W. talked with me about it a lot. I was able to voice what I'd discovered about myself, my parents (original and newly adopted), my past. I got to see some things in a new light. It was a dark hole, but it was fueled with a higher light and higher purpose.
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
~ Terry Pratchett
As predicted, I've come out of it okay. Even further ahead. Anytime you learn something about yourself it's a bonus, I say.
This was all happening while I was anxious to make that certain trip I'd talked about in my last post. In fact, I wanted to make the trip even more at this point because of the above. It's no secret anymore because it didn't happen. I was supposed to get my tax money from the CRA, except they didn't finish it in time (and why they hadn't I'll never understand; it's not high tax season, the bastards). With that money, I was going to go to London, UK. One of my friends from Canada was travelling over and I wanted dearly to meet up with her. A real life hug from a Canadian friend.. how joyous that would have been. I also have an internet friend there and would have met up with her as well. It wasn't meant to be, unfortunately, so I was a bit sad over that. (The money still hasn't come through, btw.) :<
There are other things I've learned about myself, but this post is heavy already so it'll have to wait. On a lighter note, one of our neighbours who just moved in a month or so ago (a younger couple) had the courtesy to stop by and let us know an FYI that they would be having a party Monday night for her birthday and there would be noise, stuff going on outside, etc. She said we were welcomed to stop by... and I think we will :) We're looking forward to it.
I haven't had a phone for a little while now and ...argh. I mean, I'm living fine without it, but it sure comes in handy when you're out. And for messaging. And instant translating. It's my old (well, 3yr old) Samsung Galaxy SII. Problems with the motherboard we think (after much research and troubleshooting). I took most of the photos off a while ago, thank goodness, but I'm afraid I've lost some contacts now and recent photos. I don't remember what all I put on my card, so it'll be a surprise when I put it in my new phone. My dad's sending me his old 4s when he picks up the 6. It can't come soon enough! :)
It's the weekend! I have singing tomorrow morning. I forget the occasion, but we're singing the Litany of the Saints (Latin version). We're doing a lot of Latin songs tomorrow. We have a version of O Taste and See (I apologize in advance; turn your sound down, quality isn't great and.. you can turn it off after 20 seonds. Really. It doesn't get much better) that I don't care for as much as the one we did at COOL. We have a Marty Haugen song that it true to Marty Haugen form (Soli del Gloria) simple but pleasant :) What other Marty Haugen song have we done? Was it this one? We're also doing Veni Creator Spiritus and while I love singing Gregorian Chants, this one was new for me and a bit awkward to learn in the appointed time, but I'll be trying my best. You have to get the flow and once I get that, it's just a matter of putting words to chant/music. I can't find the Kyrie Eleison we're doing (Rombach), but it's beautiful and one of my favourite.
Well, I've been sitting for a while, so I'm going to get up and moving. Gonna head into town to the grocery store for a couple of last-minute things for dinner. Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned and if you're as fortunate as us - enjoy the weather! The cold will be upon us before long.
Be well :)
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, September 19, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Technologus Interrupt-us (there's a pun in there)
So I'm going to share something a little more personal today. Let me bring you inside our home for (what would have been) our normal routine.
W. gets up for work and has a shower. He asked me last night if I would start his breakfast while he was in the shower, in an effort to save him time. No problem. So we both got up at the same time, basically. He had his shower and I started his oatmeal.
I sat on the couch with the iPad, checking messages from the last several hours (one thing about living in a country/time zone 6 hrs ahead of everyone else leaves much for one to catch up with in the morning). Checked basics like email and chat messages, then I went on Facebook. He was not yet out of the shower and there was not much to attend to with his breakfast except to let it cook. I spun through the feed of the last several hours, checking the usual updates and 'shares' (Weird Al Yankovic's Word Crimes exploded overnight, I see. You should watch it if you're a grammar nazi.. it's fantastic).
He got out of the shower and got his breakfast and sat next to me on the couch. Now, he likes to play a couple of games in the morning before work. I knew this, but I was just trying to finish reading my feed quickly aaand.. admittedly I got a bit caught up in it. "I'm almost there," (to where I last read) I said to myself. Spin. Spin. Meanwhile, he's letting me know gently that he'd like to use it. I keep going. I'm almost there, as you know. He lets me know more. I keep spinning. Now he gets vocal about it and after a few seconds I finally shut it off and hand it to him, but with a look. He takes it, turns on his game and we continue staring at each other. He knows I'm thinking something, but I'm not sure he can quite place what it was.
Finally he gets pissy and says, "You know what, it's not worth it." We're on the verge of a fight. Shuts off his game, hands it back to me and walks away. I sigh and said (too late), "It's fine! Play your game!" I shut it off, throw it on the couch and go talk to him. He's polite, but curt....
"...Nope, I can see it's very important to you."
"Can you please talk to me?"
"Nope. It's okay." (read: not at all okay)
I sigh. I stand at the door, he walks past me.
I huff and get his lunch ready for work, frustrated at this point and starting to get upset and maybe slam a couple cupboard doors.
I slightly shout, "I'm trying to talk to you instead of getting angry."
Too late.
Quiet pause.
I slap his sandwhich together, hating that he's leaving the house for work before talking because now I'm starting to get upset. I didn't want to fester with this all day in my head.
Now before I continue on with the rest of the morning, let me preface with what was in my head. What I wasn't saying -> If I don't get moving first thing in the morning (and I sit around and catch up on Facebook or games or computer, etc), I get nothing done. That lack-luster energy follows me the rest of the day. I hate it. I've already spent the last two days feeling unproductive, I didn't want today to be like that too, so that's why I was getting my Facebook in early. Also, sometimes I feel ignored while he's "in his game" on the iPad and I.. don't exist. So, perhaps I felt a little spiteful and wanted to see how he would feel if I did that. He wasn't seeing my master plan at the time.
He comes in the kitchen, leans against the counter facing me and says he's ready to talk now.
I breathe a silent sigh of relief.
I can't help it though, and tears well up even more while I'm trying to vocalize my emotions. I explained what was going on in my head (the unconveyed thoughts) and he pulled me in for a hug. "I never meant to make you feel less important than a game," he says. The anger melts away.
We talk a bit more and all is well before he leaves the house. /end scene
Near when I was leaving Canada, I had a small get-together at my house. At one point there was just a handful of us (3, 4 maybe) sitting around a table outside. On the topic, I'd mentioned that when I came here, I was going to keep cell phones off the table at dinner time. I'd *literally* heard guffaws, "Ha!"'s and even one very dramatic/slightly comical eyebrow raising. Apparently it was common consensus I lived in my phone. To me, rightly so; I was trying to stay connected to a partner 6000+ miles away which given time differences and work schedules, wasn't easy. Still, I meant it. I would like those friends to know *cough* I have held true to my word. We've even gone as far as making low-tech or tech-free Sundays. No word of a lie. We barely turn on a device on Sundays. Quickly maybe, if I want to check the weather for the day if we're going out, but that's it. Connecting with my partner one-on-one is more important than any technology device.
So I'm left thinking after this morning; at what point are we allowed to 'shut off' (in whatever manner) and at what point do we engage with our partner? We all need that time to zone out, to get lost in something that is nothing. Unfortunately, I have opportunity to get mine the 10 hours he's gone for the day, and he only has his in the morning or evening. Who am I to interfere?
Well, that's something we're going to have to discuss further I guess. The convencience of an iPad (or insert small personal tech device of choice here) is super nice, but at a price. We've been hearing the adage for a while now; technology in it's connectedness, contributes to us feeling less connected. How do we find that happy medium? Is it possible to make everyone happy?
So.. I shall continue with my day and try to be more productive than I have been, sitting with this in the back of my head. I'll bring it up tonight and see if we can't talk it out more.
How much do you let technology in your house?
Do you know when to shut off and when to engage? Have you talked about it? When is it important for either of you to have your zone-out time? If one zones out with a device for a set time period, what is the other one doing? Is it something productive? Taking care of kids? Their zone-out time/alone time, too? I think a lot of these things are in our head and we make unspoken rules as we go along, but ask yourself when the last time was you talked about it.
Well, there is ironing to do (who irons anymore? Me doing tablecloths, apparently) and walks to go on and errands to run. The weather is fantastic today; sunny with little or no breeze. The heat and humidity is gone.
Happy Wednesday!
W. gets up for work and has a shower. He asked me last night if I would start his breakfast while he was in the shower, in an effort to save him time. No problem. So we both got up at the same time, basically. He had his shower and I started his oatmeal.
I sat on the couch with the iPad, checking messages from the last several hours (one thing about living in a country/time zone 6 hrs ahead of everyone else leaves much for one to catch up with in the morning). Checked basics like email and chat messages, then I went on Facebook. He was not yet out of the shower and there was not much to attend to with his breakfast except to let it cook. I spun through the feed of the last several hours, checking the usual updates and 'shares' (Weird Al Yankovic's Word Crimes exploded overnight, I see. You should watch it if you're a grammar nazi.. it's fantastic).
He got out of the shower and got his breakfast and sat next to me on the couch. Now, he likes to play a couple of games in the morning before work. I knew this, but I was just trying to finish reading my feed quickly aaand.. admittedly I got a bit caught up in it. "I'm almost there," (to where I last read) I said to myself. Spin. Spin. Meanwhile, he's letting me know gently that he'd like to use it. I keep going. I'm almost there, as you know. He lets me know more. I keep spinning. Now he gets vocal about it and after a few seconds I finally shut it off and hand it to him, but with a look. He takes it, turns on his game and we continue staring at each other. He knows I'm thinking something, but I'm not sure he can quite place what it was.
Finally he gets pissy and says, "You know what, it's not worth it." We're on the verge of a fight. Shuts off his game, hands it back to me and walks away. I sigh and said (too late), "It's fine! Play your game!" I shut it off, throw it on the couch and go talk to him. He's polite, but curt....
"...Nope, I can see it's very important to you."
"Can you please talk to me?"
"Nope. It's okay." (read: not at all okay)
I sigh. I stand at the door, he walks past me.
I huff and get his lunch ready for work, frustrated at this point and starting to get upset and maybe slam a couple cupboard doors.
I slightly shout, "I'm trying to talk to you instead of getting angry."
Too late.
Quiet pause.
I slap his sandwhich together, hating that he's leaving the house for work before talking because now I'm starting to get upset. I didn't want to fester with this all day in my head.
Now before I continue on with the rest of the morning, let me preface with what was in my head. What I wasn't saying -> If I don't get moving first thing in the morning (and I sit around and catch up on Facebook or games or computer, etc), I get nothing done. That lack-luster energy follows me the rest of the day. I hate it. I've already spent the last two days feeling unproductive, I didn't want today to be like that too, so that's why I was getting my Facebook in early. Also, sometimes I feel ignored while he's "in his game" on the iPad and I.. don't exist. So, perhaps I felt a little spiteful and wanted to see how he would feel if I did that. He wasn't seeing my master plan at the time.
He comes in the kitchen, leans against the counter facing me and says he's ready to talk now.
I breathe a silent sigh of relief.
I can't help it though, and tears well up even more while I'm trying to vocalize my emotions. I explained what was going on in my head (the unconveyed thoughts) and he pulled me in for a hug. "I never meant to make you feel less important than a game," he says. The anger melts away.
We talk a bit more and all is well before he leaves the house. /end scene
Near when I was leaving Canada, I had a small get-together at my house. At one point there was just a handful of us (3, 4 maybe) sitting around a table outside. On the topic, I'd mentioned that when I came here, I was going to keep cell phones off the table at dinner time. I'd *literally* heard guffaws, "Ha!"'s and even one very dramatic/slightly comical eyebrow raising. Apparently it was common consensus I lived in my phone. To me, rightly so; I was trying to stay connected to a partner 6000+ miles away which given time differences and work schedules, wasn't easy. Still, I meant it. I would like those friends to know *cough* I have held true to my word. We've even gone as far as making low-tech or tech-free Sundays. No word of a lie. We barely turn on a device on Sundays. Quickly maybe, if I want to check the weather for the day if we're going out, but that's it. Connecting with my partner one-on-one is more important than any technology device.
So I'm left thinking after this morning; at what point are we allowed to 'shut off' (in whatever manner) and at what point do we engage with our partner? We all need that time to zone out, to get lost in something that is nothing. Unfortunately, I have opportunity to get mine the 10 hours he's gone for the day, and he only has his in the morning or evening. Who am I to interfere?
Well, that's something we're going to have to discuss further I guess. The convencience of an iPad (or insert small personal tech device of choice here) is super nice, but at a price. We've been hearing the adage for a while now; technology in it's connectedness, contributes to us feeling less connected. How do we find that happy medium? Is it possible to make everyone happy?
So.. I shall continue with my day and try to be more productive than I have been, sitting with this in the back of my head. I'll bring it up tonight and see if we can't talk it out more.
How much do you let technology in your house?
Do you know when to shut off and when to engage? Have you talked about it? When is it important for either of you to have your zone-out time? If one zones out with a device for a set time period, what is the other one doing? Is it something productive? Taking care of kids? Their zone-out time/alone time, too? I think a lot of these things are in our head and we make unspoken rules as we go along, but ask yourself when the last time was you talked about it.
Well, there is ironing to do (who irons anymore? Me doing tablecloths, apparently) and walks to go on and errands to run. The weather is fantastic today; sunny with little or no breeze. The heat and humidity is gone.
Happy Wednesday!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Starting Over
There are a hundred titles I've thought of for this post...
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
"Overwhelm"
"Breaking Through"
"Guilt"
"Vulnerability"
"Courage"
"Honesty"
I can't decide.
With a bit of a breakdown this morning, I had a bit of a breakthrough (they go hand-in-hand, I think. I'm also channelling my inner Brené Brown). What started as an email to a friend about a lack-lustre prayer life, ended up turning into a confessional. Except not so much to them, as to myself. I'd given a voice to what has been silently bothering me for the last 3 months. With my lack of talking to friends (like, real conversations, I don't mean "how are you liking it there? or What's different? or How's the weather?")** or blogging, I've been keeping inside what (I think) makes me - me; expressing my vulnerability, really talking about life and it's meaning or impact on ourselves or each other or challenging ourselves. Needless to say I've been stuck in my head a lot... and for whoever's been there... that's *not* a good thing. After said email, I spoke to a friend who gave me things I needed to hear and helped raise some awareness. So it's time for me to get honest. Brutal truth, guys. Brace yourselves (or maybe I should...) :/
I'm overwhelmed.
I feel stuck.
I shut off way too often (Facebook? Pinterest, anyone?).
I rush through situations that are uncomfortable (usually per language barriers).
I see my admitting overwhelm as a sign of weakness and it is attached with guilt (how can I feel overwhelmed? I'm not working a 50-hr week, have 5 projects on the go or involved with 3 clubs).
I've been using food as comfort (my ever-expanding waistline is a proving indication).
I've had much higher expectations of myself coming here than I was willing to admit (part inflicted by me, part inflicted by society and friends).
The kicker is I hide all of those points. Even to W. sometimes (s'ok, you can judge).
I have now been challenged to re-write what I see as 'overwhelm' and conversely, 'successful'.
Overwhelm is not always having 50 things on the go. Sometimes overwhelm is having one major thing on the go, with maybe 5 baby things trailing behind it. Overwhelm is being reminded *every minute* that I am in a situation that has no "quick fix" and that it will take a lot of time and effort to get to a point where I will be completely comfortable (like with the language, or not being able to find a job). Overwhelm is trying to be okay with the fact that I have control issues and I am in a situation that in part, I have no control over. Overwhelm is wanting to learn a language in 5 minutes so I can move on with life and not feel like an outsider. Overwhelm is having my bf's mother encourage me to look into getting a Dutch drivers licence when I have (yet) no desire to drive. Overwhelm is feeling happy in a life I wanted to be in with a man that loves me but feeling conflicted because I miss my friends, my town, the comfortable flow I had in my life, my sociability, my (let's get real)... safety zone.
Success is not always becoming CEO, or having lots of friends, or the biggest house on the block. Success is moving to a new country, leaving everyone and everything familiar behind. Success is, when you do have the nerve, to smile and say hello to your neighbour and comment on the weather - in your new language. Success is admitting overwhelm. Success is feeling like crap but seeing the positive anyways. Success is being gentle with yourself. Repeatedly. Success is giving yourself permission to feel ovewhelmed, in any situation. Success is after you think that by moving to a new country you're starting over, that three and a half months into said move, do you indeed need to state again that you are "starting over" (see explanation below).
It's hard to find a point of where to start (moving on, moving forward) since there's so much to do. What's the indicator that tells you how and where to begin? That's the hard part. So, for today and moving forward, I will look at things with a fresh perspective. This is a big deal. There is a lot of effort involved. It will take a lot of time. I will need to make baby steps to get to the bigger things that I visualize in my head I see happening for me. Now that I've given it a voice, I'm okay with it (instead of running away from it). I'm okay with there having to be effort. There is now a sort of peace (temporary, I'm sure). Or maybe I should say.. I've reached a point now that I can relax a bit and let life come to me, instead of pushing through to get to it.
On that note, I am going to make a late lunch and get out for a bike ride. I hope you're having a fabulous week!
** Not to say I don't enjoy these conversations; I just find I need a bit more of the dig-deep, feeling-connected ones.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Moving On, Moving Forward
W.'s gone only 3 days and it feels like an eternity. So.. I keep myself busy by continuously putting things away. The monotonous task of going through your things and finding a new home for them.. ugh. While slightly enjoyable being in a new dwelling, it's daunting to realize you have so much (and I don't even have a lot!). It's the smaller things that are most annoying; where do I want to put those...post-it notes? #firstworldproblems
We're still discussing months/dates for me to move. He's ultimately leaving the decision up to me. We talked about it again last night and I have a month/date in mind, but still kicking it around. Also looking at flight costs.
I'm overwhelmed; how am I supposed to get rid of everything - everything - in a span of (a potential) 3 months? I had a hard enough time doing it when I was moving from Apt A to House B. I have to let go of my entire life - a life I've become attached to in a city I love. How do I decide what to ship? If I ship /this/, should I also ship /that/? What's the line?
It's funny; when we were sitting at Union Station on the last leg of his journey, we were waiting for the GO train (to meet my friend to go to the airport). I contemplated going with him (not even lying, even if it was just for a brief second). I had my Dutch passport on me, 2 days worth of clothes, my purse and ID. I was good to go. He put it a bit in perspective, said that I'd just 'left' everything behind (books, clothes, stereo, whatever) and everything that I can't currently decide about. Aside from pictures maybe, there was nothing I felt I needed to rush back for (to be honest, he was the one who brought that up). All I could think of was, "Well, I feel bad for having to leave my stuff for someone else to get rid of. That's not right."
Perspective. Attachment. When is something important to you, and why?
Something came up and I have to jet. Ending this blog post. Gotta run!
We're still discussing months/dates for me to move. He's ultimately leaving the decision up to me. We talked about it again last night and I have a month/date in mind, but still kicking it around. Also looking at flight costs.
I'm overwhelmed; how am I supposed to get rid of everything - everything - in a span of (a potential) 3 months? I had a hard enough time doing it when I was moving from Apt A to House B. I have to let go of my entire life - a life I've become attached to in a city I love. How do I decide what to ship? If I ship /this/, should I also ship /that/? What's the line?
It's funny; when we were sitting at Union Station on the last leg of his journey, we were waiting for the GO train (to meet my friend to go to the airport). I contemplated going with him (not even lying, even if it was just for a brief second). I had my Dutch passport on me, 2 days worth of clothes, my purse and ID. I was good to go. He put it a bit in perspective, said that I'd just 'left' everything behind (books, clothes, stereo, whatever) and everything that I can't currently decide about. Aside from pictures maybe, there was nothing I felt I needed to rush back for (to be honest, he was the one who brought that up). All I could think of was, "Well, I feel bad for having to leave my stuff for someone else to get rid of. That's not right."
Perspective. Attachment. When is something important to you, and why?
Something came up and I have to jet. Ending this blog post. Gotta run!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Down Time
Well, I'm taking advantage of some down time; W. is having a nap and I'm just catching up on emails (I don't think I've turned my computer on at all in the better part of the two weeks) and sitting with a tea. It's a beautiful day out and I think we'll go for a walk later on.
I'm settled in the new place. Hrm.. settled is a loose term. I'm.. inhabiting. There are still boxes and random objects strewn all over. The kitchen is the closest to being complete (of course; I mean, let's discuss priorities) ;) I still really need to downsize and get rid of more, though. There isn't enough room for everything. Not just the kitchen, but the bedroom (I need to fit a dresser, a tall boy, PLUS a closet full.. all into one dresser). There are a few items I still need to sell off (anyone local want an air conditioner, a bread maker, a dresser and/or a kitchen table/chairs?).
When we had moving day, I kept thinking about the transition; things disappearing from the old place, looking bare, then getting used to new surroundings with the new place. Babu is still at the old place (can't bring him to the new) and still no owner. Really having a hard time and I'm not sure why it hasn't worked itself out.
I think we're going to work outside this afternoon. There is some lawn furniture that needs cleaning and it's a good excuse to enjoy the weather. The property backs onto the river and there's a table out there just asking to be sat at. Morning cup of coffee, anyone? Or perhaps a nice sunset...
It's nice to have W. here for the house transition. Not just for the physical help of moving and unpacking/sorting, but for the support, for the company within new walls, for someone to talk to or make meals for when I'm not in the mood to do other house stuff. The last week and a half have been fabulous. Our union at the airport was a joyous one and not at all awkward or 'weird' (for never having met in person). The coming-together was just confirmation of what we already knew; we belong together and everything that we do is natural and feels right. We're both very happy.
Well, W. is up, so I best get up too.
We spend Thursday night in Toronto and he's back on the plane Friday. Then.... we wait until I move there. No, I don't know when I'm moving yet (it's the million-dollar question everyone's asking). It hasn't been discussed yet, though sometime before winter.
Hope y'all are having a good week!
I'm settled in the new place. Hrm.. settled is a loose term. I'm.. inhabiting. There are still boxes and random objects strewn all over. The kitchen is the closest to being complete (of course; I mean, let's discuss priorities) ;) I still really need to downsize and get rid of more, though. There isn't enough room for everything. Not just the kitchen, but the bedroom (I need to fit a dresser, a tall boy, PLUS a closet full.. all into one dresser). There are a few items I still need to sell off (anyone local want an air conditioner, a bread maker, a dresser and/or a kitchen table/chairs?).
When we had moving day, I kept thinking about the transition; things disappearing from the old place, looking bare, then getting used to new surroundings with the new place. Babu is still at the old place (can't bring him to the new) and still no owner. Really having a hard time and I'm not sure why it hasn't worked itself out.
I think we're going to work outside this afternoon. There is some lawn furniture that needs cleaning and it's a good excuse to enjoy the weather. The property backs onto the river and there's a table out there just asking to be sat at. Morning cup of coffee, anyone? Or perhaps a nice sunset...
It's nice to have W. here for the house transition. Not just for the physical help of moving and unpacking/sorting, but for the support, for the company within new walls, for someone to talk to or make meals for when I'm not in the mood to do other house stuff. The last week and a half have been fabulous. Our union at the airport was a joyous one and not at all awkward or 'weird' (for never having met in person). The coming-together was just confirmation of what we already knew; we belong together and everything that we do is natural and feels right. We're both very happy.
Well, W. is up, so I best get up too.
We spend Thursday night in Toronto and he's back on the plane Friday. Then.... we wait until I move there. No, I don't know when I'm moving yet (it's the million-dollar question everyone's asking). It hasn't been discussed yet, though sometime before winter.
Hope y'all are having a good week!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Demons
It's been a while since I've done a bare-all post so I thought about sharing this with you.
Internal demons are never-ending, I think. It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives. Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts. A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time. Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such. Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day"). Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day. It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people. Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves. We can't always do it alone.
But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today? Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved? Should it be that easy? IS it that easy? Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it. But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it. Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again. It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved. The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.
Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation. The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say. Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere). They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit. Why can't we just let the negative go? What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?
I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important. I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist. I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change. This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try. If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.
*******************
Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more. So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan. And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)
Internal demons are never-ending, I think. It's only how much head-space we give them that shows their predominance through our lives. Regardless of how many times you're told "I love you," it feels it never erases the past; a past that has over-written your self confidence time and time again despite your best attempts. A past that has made you feel you're insignificant, that you don't matter, that you're somehow less than everyone else ~ by the most significant and potentially influential people in your life at that time. Oh yes dear reader, I see the craziness in the previously written sentences, but they're still a reality and I have to honour them as such. Even though I am much smarter today than I was yesterday, building yourself back up takes work and isn't done overnight (which thus reminds me of the quote, "Rome wasn't built in a day"). Indeed Rome wasn't built in a day. It was completed, I'm sure, with collaboration, discussion, unity, vision, passion, strengths (and weaknesses), support, reliance on other people. Funny how a description of building a city can so relate to building our selves. We can't always do it alone.
But does a less-than-perfect past give much excuse to my demons today? Why can't I just fully accept that I am loved? Should it be that easy? IS it that easy? Part of me wants to say yes. Part of me thinks I can decide anything I want and I could rightly decide that I *am* loved ~ and believe it. But then a voice in the back of my head questions if I'm worth it, if I'm deserving of it. Ahhh.. negative self talk rears his ugly head again. It shouldn't be a matter of questioning; we're all human thus deserve to be loved. The mere fact that we exist on this earth earns us the right to be loved and respected in some manner or form.
Someone said to me today it's easier to say negative self-talk to ourselves than an affirmation. The affirmation may very well be true, but it's still more difficult to say. Only does an affirmation hold weight when we hear it repeatedly (and, okay, maybe some self-work thrown in there somewhere). They say it takes 10 positives to over-ride 1 negative and I like to think this has some merit. Why can't we just let the negative go? What purpose does hanging onto it serve us?
I was having a particular conversation with my significant other today and (after hearing things a) I needed to at the time and b) repeatedly) I've come into another phase of transition... of letting go...growing up & being better than my demons... of not being afraid to believe the good for once ~ and most importantly ~ believing him when he says he loves me, that I matter and I'm important. I'm going to try to see what it feels like to live a life with the attitude that my negative self-talk doesn't exist. I wonder if my perception will change or if others (i.e my loved one's) perception of me will change. This is new, so I don't know how good I'll be at it, but I'm darn well gonna try. If I stumble, don't be afraid to help pick me up and dust me off.
*******************
Side note: Passport application is in (even that's a story in itself; W. says I could write a book on my experiences) and now I wait.
Also, I've been getting back in the kitchen a little more (it's been very long since I've done some baking) and when I do I realize it's been WAY too long and I feel the longing more. So tonight I made my OMG Brownies - vegan. And hey, they're still pretty OMG :)
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Moving Forward
Goedenavond. Hoe gaat het en met u? (Good evening. How are you?)
Well, it's been a fail of a Lent so far (I wonder what 'fail' is in Dutch.. ). I swore several times a day for the first few days, though I'm pleased so announce it's getting better. And I ate meat last night. D'oh. But I've been successful in drawing every day, even if it's just adding to a current drawing (vs. starting a new one).
So... I decided to rent that room. I made the decision a deliberate one, likewise for the email per giving my notice here. That wasn't hard.. but it was...gosh.. I don't know what word to give it. A turning point. Once I sent the email, I broke into tears. I sat back and thought of this place and all the purposes it served me; this apartment has let me grow into the person I am today.. and I'm pretty proud of who I've become and it's taken a lot of hard work to become that person. This place has seen people come, it's seen people go. Good things have happened here and very, very bad things have happened here (and once I realized that, I was happy to leave it behind). I won't miss the 2 flights of stairs, the uneven floors, the noisy neighbours. I will miss my neighbours across the hall and the ability to just be able to walk over when I'm out of a certain ingredient or need to borrow something or just knowing someone's there who's familiar. In the new house I will look forward to a backyard (!) that backs onto the river (!) where there's DUCKS!! :D (Ducks make me happy.) and there won't be 2 flights of stairs to climb and it's in a nice neighbourhood (and for those who visit via auto - a 2-way street and parking!).
Whoops, I got sidetracked.
Right so, good/bad, coming/going. Giving notice for my current apartment was the "there's no turning back" moment. It was the, "this is getting more real by the day" moment. It was the, "Oh my gosh this is really happening" moment. It's, "I'm trusting W. with everything I have" moment. It was scary and exciting at the same time. And suddenly this whole thing became more real. I don't just want to slowly 'jaunt' because-we're-going-slow into W.'s arms now, I want to *run*. It's time.
Oh, and moving into this place also means giving up Babu sooner... which I can't think a lot about right now. And selling everything sooner than I expected (the room is furnished). So yeah.
As of this coming Monday, 2 of the 3 pieces of paperwork I need will be returned to me. I'm just waiting for one from The Hague, NL and off to the consulate I go... then it's the big wait. That'll require a whole new set of prayers.
Well, this day can't get any slower. I'm waiting for said friends/neighbours across the hall and we're heading to the Wooly. Decided I'm going to have a late dinner there (spinach, beet, chevre and chicken salad, thankyouverymuch) seeing as there's not much food in the house. That, or I'm being picky (entirely possible).
Hope y'all are having a good weekend!
Well, it's been a fail of a Lent so far (I wonder what 'fail' is in Dutch.. ). I swore several times a day for the first few days, though I'm pleased so announce it's getting better. And I ate meat last night. D'oh. But I've been successful in drawing every day, even if it's just adding to a current drawing (vs. starting a new one).
So... I decided to rent that room. I made the decision a deliberate one, likewise for the email per giving my notice here. That wasn't hard.. but it was...gosh.. I don't know what word to give it. A turning point. Once I sent the email, I broke into tears. I sat back and thought of this place and all the purposes it served me; this apartment has let me grow into the person I am today.. and I'm pretty proud of who I've become and it's taken a lot of hard work to become that person. This place has seen people come, it's seen people go. Good things have happened here and very, very bad things have happened here (and once I realized that, I was happy to leave it behind). I won't miss the 2 flights of stairs, the uneven floors, the noisy neighbours. I will miss my neighbours across the hall and the ability to just be able to walk over when I'm out of a certain ingredient or need to borrow something or just knowing someone's there who's familiar. In the new house I will look forward to a backyard (!) that backs onto the river (!) where there's DUCKS!! :D (Ducks make me happy.) and there won't be 2 flights of stairs to climb and it's in a nice neighbourhood (and for those who visit via auto - a 2-way street and parking!).
Whoops, I got sidetracked.
Right so, good/bad, coming/going. Giving notice for my current apartment was the "there's no turning back" moment. It was the, "this is getting more real by the day" moment. It was the, "Oh my gosh this is really happening" moment. It's, "I'm trusting W. with everything I have" moment. It was scary and exciting at the same time. And suddenly this whole thing became more real. I don't just want to slowly 'jaunt' because-we're-going-slow into W.'s arms now, I want to *run*. It's time.
Oh, and moving into this place also means giving up Babu sooner... which I can't think a lot about right now. And selling everything sooner than I expected (the room is furnished). So yeah.
As of this coming Monday, 2 of the 3 pieces of paperwork I need will be returned to me. I'm just waiting for one from The Hague, NL and off to the consulate I go... then it's the big wait. That'll require a whole new set of prayers.
Well, this day can't get any slower. I'm waiting for said friends/neighbours across the hall and we're heading to the Wooly. Decided I'm going to have a late dinner there (spinach, beet, chevre and chicken salad, thankyouverymuch) seeing as there's not much food in the house. That, or I'm being picky (entirely possible).
Hope y'all are having a good weekend!
Friday, January 11, 2013
What Just Happened?
I opened an email from the lady I've been speaking to at the Dutch consulate.
In it, contained an application for a Dutch passport.
Me. Applying for a Dutch passport because I am entitled to Dutch nationality.
Me.
*speechless*
*need time to process*
*a little freaked out*
*will try to write more later and not be so vague*
I've had 3 drinks (1 scotch, 2 brandy) aaaaand.. I need to go to bed. I'll try to write soon! Bear with me if I don't, I'm overwhelmed!
:)
In it, contained an application for a Dutch passport.
Me. Applying for a Dutch passport because I am entitled to Dutch nationality.
Me.
*speechless*
*need time to process*
*a little freaked out*
*will try to write more later and not be so vague*
I've had 3 drinks (1 scotch, 2 brandy) aaaaand.. I need to go to bed. I'll try to write soon! Bear with me if I don't, I'm overwhelmed!
:)
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Catch Up..
Yup. Late. Again. Sorry 'bout that.
You see, I *want* to blog, but my time management lately has been a bit poor as, of course you know, part of my day is spent on Skype with my love (which is going fantastic, btw. Can I tell you how ridiculously in love I am?). And one of these days I'll stop apologizing for not writing, assuming that you'll get used to the fact and forgive me anyways.
So, let me go a bit backwards and catch you up on what I last wrote about....
We had gramma's service; it was typical services (I guess?). Scripture reading, memories, life timelines and events. I even learned a couple things about my gram that day (well, her and grandpa both). And it was nice to visit after with family and socialize a bit. I got to see relatives I haven't seen in years (that I used to be close to; cousins, etc). I got to tell one of my uncles (gram's brother) that I'm moving overseas. This conversation was interesting; I felt compelled to tell a man I haven't been close to at all that I was moving back "home". I felt he had to know this. I don't know why. I haven't been close to that side of the family; not by choice, but by geography, difficulty of visits, etc. I've always missed them, though. Like a strange void that has constantly wanted to be filled. The memories of my visits with them when I was a child are still vibrant in my head. I've clung onto them. They were the most... stress-free, family-filled, feeling-whole times of my childhood (I think I just realized why I've clung onto them). They were times I.. got to be a kid. So perhaps my need to tell my uncle a significant life moment is my attempt to tie myself to that side of the family more.
Twelve of us went out for a family dinner after. That was nice, too. Casual, nothing fancy.
I received a couple items from my aunt that evening that were my gram's; a Dutch bible (even more reason to learn the language), a teacup and saucer (that so reminds me of having tea with them when I was younger) and a couple of silver spoons (one with pretty scroll work with the letter 'E' for grandpa's name, and one with a Dutch.. monument/important land build of sorts). You can tell they've been well used for said tea in teacup :) I'm already thinking how to pack the china when I go, as I'll take it with me.
Baking has been next to non-existent. Bleh. I have no excuse for this. I have no reason to bake, really, hence the no baking. I should be experimenting with recipes.. but.. I'm not. I do have one Christmas order to do that I should be working on and pricing. /procrastinating
Oh, the aforementioned conversation with my parents about W. went really well. They were supportive. They listened. They offered opinion.
The language. Oh, the language. *sigh* I'm struggling. Have I mentioned this? I don't remember. I am, to be fair, making it more difficult than it is. I'm not sure why. 'Cause so much is at stake, I think. Learning past languages has been fun because I've wanted to learn them out of curiosity and enjoyment. This I have to learn not just out of curiosity and enjoyment, but necessity. So.. I'm fighting it. And it's ridiculous, because I know it's all in my head. I know. I've read or heard that other people struggle with it, so I think I have to struggle with it. This is crap, because I know I'm intelligent enough to absorb the language. There are times I find myself relaxing about it and it goes a bit more with ease, but those moments are still too far and few between. If you have any experience learning a new language, I'd love to hear your stories.
Also, I just unpacked today (even though it arrived a few days ago) a parcel I bought online for Black Friday sales; luggage. I just unpacked it out of the box; almost as if I've created certain processing times for it in my head. It's sitting out all pretty and red in my living room.
Luggage.
For Europe.
Yeah....
You see, I *want* to blog, but my time management lately has been a bit poor as, of course you know, part of my day is spent on Skype with my love (which is going fantastic, btw. Can I tell you how ridiculously in love I am?). And one of these days I'll stop apologizing for not writing, assuming that you'll get used to the fact and forgive me anyways.
So, let me go a bit backwards and catch you up on what I last wrote about....
We had gramma's service; it was typical services (I guess?). Scripture reading, memories, life timelines and events. I even learned a couple things about my gram that day (well, her and grandpa both). And it was nice to visit after with family and socialize a bit. I got to see relatives I haven't seen in years (that I used to be close to; cousins, etc). I got to tell one of my uncles (gram's brother) that I'm moving overseas. This conversation was interesting; I felt compelled to tell a man I haven't been close to at all that I was moving back "home". I felt he had to know this. I don't know why. I haven't been close to that side of the family; not by choice, but by geography, difficulty of visits, etc. I've always missed them, though. Like a strange void that has constantly wanted to be filled. The memories of my visits with them when I was a child are still vibrant in my head. I've clung onto them. They were the most... stress-free, family-filled, feeling-whole times of my childhood (I think I just realized why I've clung onto them). They were times I.. got to be a kid. So perhaps my need to tell my uncle a significant life moment is my attempt to tie myself to that side of the family more.
Twelve of us went out for a family dinner after. That was nice, too. Casual, nothing fancy.
I received a couple items from my aunt that evening that were my gram's; a Dutch bible (even more reason to learn the language), a teacup and saucer (that so reminds me of having tea with them when I was younger) and a couple of silver spoons (one with pretty scroll work with the letter 'E' for grandpa's name, and one with a Dutch.. monument/important land build of sorts). You can tell they've been well used for said tea in teacup :) I'm already thinking how to pack the china when I go, as I'll take it with me.
Baking has been next to non-existent. Bleh. I have no excuse for this. I have no reason to bake, really, hence the no baking. I should be experimenting with recipes.. but.. I'm not. I do have one Christmas order to do that I should be working on and pricing. /procrastinating
Oh, the aforementioned conversation with my parents about W. went really well. They were supportive. They listened. They offered opinion.
The language. Oh, the language. *sigh* I'm struggling. Have I mentioned this? I don't remember. I am, to be fair, making it more difficult than it is. I'm not sure why. 'Cause so much is at stake, I think. Learning past languages has been fun because I've wanted to learn them out of curiosity and enjoyment. This I have to learn not just out of curiosity and enjoyment, but necessity. So.. I'm fighting it. And it's ridiculous, because I know it's all in my head. I know. I've read or heard that other people struggle with it, so I think I have to struggle with it. This is crap, because I know I'm intelligent enough to absorb the language. There are times I find myself relaxing about it and it goes a bit more with ease, but those moments are still too far and few between. If you have any experience learning a new language, I'd love to hear your stories.
Also, I just unpacked today (even though it arrived a few days ago) a parcel I bought online for Black Friday sales; luggage. I just unpacked it out of the box; almost as if I've created certain processing times for it in my head. It's sitting out all pretty and red in my living room.
Luggage.
For Europe.
Yeah....
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Not What I Thought...
Well, if you're partial to my Facebook status this week, you know (or maybe you don't) that my gramma passed away. I was planning on sitting down and writing to you about her, but I just can't get my thoughts straightened out yet to tell you. It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not as ready as I thought. I hope to soon though, because you should know how awesome she was :)
This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15. I have no interest in rushing the grieving process. I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on. I don't want life to go on. I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone. I don't want her to be a memory. I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move. I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it. Not yet.
I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt. So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :) A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to." "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to." Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they? The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable. Who else does that? Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.
And this is where I get stuck. I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again. I'm not ready. Talking about her will have to wait.
Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by. He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed. I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg. W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death. I can't say how special he is.
I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week? I sold out.. completely. All gluten-free items! It was fantastic. A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation. I had repeat customers, and new ones. I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies. I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.
Today I had a day just for myself. I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time. It was perfect.
Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W. Cross your fingers. I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.
I think I'll call it a night. I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)
Goedenacht.
This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15. I have no interest in rushing the grieving process. I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on. I don't want life to go on. I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone. I don't want her to be a memory. I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move. I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it. Not yet.
I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt. So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :) A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to." "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to." Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they? The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable. Who else does that? Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.
And this is where I get stuck. I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again. I'm not ready. Talking about her will have to wait.
Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by. He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed. I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg. W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death. I can't say how special he is.
I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week? I sold out.. completely. All gluten-free items! It was fantastic. A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation. I had repeat customers, and new ones. I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies. I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.
Today I had a day just for myself. I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time. It was perfect.
Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W. Cross your fingers. I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.
I think I'll call it a night. I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)
Goedenacht.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Appearances
Yeah... so... hi.
Been a while, I know. I think this is how it's going to be for a while. I apologize in advance. My distractions have been elsewhere and I hope to do a bit of explaining just where they've been. I'm quite tired though (is it sad I'm this tired at 8:30 at night?), so forgive me for keeping this short.
My new love is treating me well. So well, that it's most of the reason I haven't been here to talk to you. We are in a habit now of Skype'ing every night (which is a luxury I'm daily thankful for), for either an hour.. or four. It's nice and it makes me happy :) Every day I'm learning something about him and it makes me smile. I'm a very lucky girl to find someone so understanding, patient and loving. It's nice to be accepted *with* your faults (not despite them) and encouraged to grow in them. Yup, he's a special one. I still don't want to say too much publicly for now, but all you need to know is things are going very, very well :)
Which is why I'm tired at night and shut down early. After our talks (which can end anywhere from 5:30pm to 8-8:30) I'm done. I've committed energy to Skype'ing which is a bit more involved than an actual in-person visit because special attention is given to shitty connections (across an ocean, of course) and making sure you hear everything the other says, if not repeat. We also talk about a lot of in-depth things, so that also takes attention. So after our calls, I don't feel like doing much else. He's gone to bed (he's 6 hrs ahead) and I have an hour or three to get my stuff together for the next day. Which means not writing you here :( But I haven't forgotten about you! I promise I'll write anytime something comes up.
Like bake sales!
I'm entering yet another table at work of my baked goods. It's an annual November Fair we have that's mostly a craft show, but some people put in food items. I'm stressing with what to make, how much to make (it's very high traffic). I have a good idea, but not everything is finalized and it's driving my OCD a bit nuts. I know I'm a last-minute person, but this is crazy. Anyways, the sale is this Friday (eek!) so wish me luck!!
I started the fourth season of Doctor Who (newer series; the tenth Doctor) tonight. Exciting :) Enter: Donna.
Can't think of much else to tell you. Babu is doing well and driving me nuts on a daily basis. I've been mostly healthy aside from usual tummy-troubles made worse from a virus a couple months ago. When you already have a weak system, it takes so long to bounce back from something like that. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel. Dude, if you have a healthy digestive system...BE THANKFUL.
I hope everyone is doing well. I think of you, even if we haven't spoken in a while. Once the craziness subsides, I will be in touch. These days, I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis and it's almost getting to be a little too much, yet I can't think of a way ahead or how to dig my way out. I said last Christmas winter will quiet down and I'll finally be able to get to mundane things that I once liked doing. So far? It hasn't stopped. In a year. Is this how life is now? Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? How have I committed myself in so many ways that I'm leaving nothing left for...nothing?
*faint*
That's what tonight was for; Doctor Who lets me chill out for an hour. Did I feel guilty the entire time because I know there's things I need to be doing? Absolutely. And I ignored it, cause, I need to stay sane, yo. So.. I chilled.
Me, lately, in a nutshell.
P.S - How have I not had a Doctor Who tag?! Now, a Doctor Who tag. Just 'cause.
Been a while, I know. I think this is how it's going to be for a while. I apologize in advance. My distractions have been elsewhere and I hope to do a bit of explaining just where they've been. I'm quite tired though (is it sad I'm this tired at 8:30 at night?), so forgive me for keeping this short.
My new love is treating me well. So well, that it's most of the reason I haven't been here to talk to you. We are in a habit now of Skype'ing every night (which is a luxury I'm daily thankful for), for either an hour.. or four. It's nice and it makes me happy :) Every day I'm learning something about him and it makes me smile. I'm a very lucky girl to find someone so understanding, patient and loving. It's nice to be accepted *with* your faults (not despite them) and encouraged to grow in them. Yup, he's a special one. I still don't want to say too much publicly for now, but all you need to know is things are going very, very well :)
Which is why I'm tired at night and shut down early. After our talks (which can end anywhere from 5:30pm to 8-8:30) I'm done. I've committed energy to Skype'ing which is a bit more involved than an actual in-person visit because special attention is given to shitty connections (across an ocean, of course) and making sure you hear everything the other says, if not repeat. We also talk about a lot of in-depth things, so that also takes attention. So after our calls, I don't feel like doing much else. He's gone to bed (he's 6 hrs ahead) and I have an hour or three to get my stuff together for the next day. Which means not writing you here :( But I haven't forgotten about you! I promise I'll write anytime something comes up.
Like bake sales!
I'm entering yet another table at work of my baked goods. It's an annual November Fair we have that's mostly a craft show, but some people put in food items. I'm stressing with what to make, how much to make (it's very high traffic). I have a good idea, but not everything is finalized and it's driving my OCD a bit nuts. I know I'm a last-minute person, but this is crazy. Anyways, the sale is this Friday (eek!) so wish me luck!!
I started the fourth season of Doctor Who (newer series; the tenth Doctor) tonight. Exciting :) Enter: Donna.
Can't think of much else to tell you. Babu is doing well and driving me nuts on a daily basis. I've been mostly healthy aside from usual tummy-troubles made worse from a virus a couple months ago. When you already have a weak system, it takes so long to bounce back from something like that. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel. Dude, if you have a healthy digestive system...BE THANKFUL.
I hope everyone is doing well. I think of you, even if we haven't spoken in a while. Once the craziness subsides, I will be in touch. These days, I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis and it's almost getting to be a little too much, yet I can't think of a way ahead or how to dig my way out. I said last Christmas winter will quiet down and I'll finally be able to get to mundane things that I once liked doing. So far? It hasn't stopped. In a year. Is this how life is now? Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? How have I committed myself in so many ways that I'm leaving nothing left for...nothing?
*faint*
That's what tonight was for; Doctor Who lets me chill out for an hour. Did I feel guilty the entire time because I know there's things I need to be doing? Absolutely. And I ignored it, cause, I need to stay sane, yo. So.. I chilled.
Me, lately, in a nutshell.
P.S - How have I not had a Doctor Who tag?! Now, a Doctor Who tag. Just 'cause.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Farmer's Market to... Pastry Chef?
Well, I'm happy to report today was a success.
....At least, as far as successes go. I count anything as a profit a success, so by my standards, I wasn't asking much. Whatever I made I considered a bonus; I'm doing what I enjoy. Now, I was anxious as hell for getting my baking out in the public for the first time, I'm not gonna lie. You know when things just sort of...roll in succession and happen naturally and fall into place? That's what this was. It was suggested I put in a table, I automatically made business cards without thinking much about it and baked my ass off for 3 days. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about things or deliberating if this is what I should do.
Now, having said that, I know what I would do differently next time. I need to get on the ball more and I'd make a few changes.. but that's a learned experience and all hindsight now. I'm making notes for next time (I need a designated notebook!).
The weather was.. tolerable. It was drizzly today and damp - so the girls and I were a bit chilled to the bone. I should have a bath tonight; that's a sure remedy.
There were 2 girls at a table next to me who took care of the produce (there was a lot!) and they were super nice. In fact, one of them is a manager at a boutique grocer down the street and suggested I look into getting my product in there (did I just hear myself say someone wanted me to sell my stuff in a store.. professionally?). I'll keep her as a contact. Also, the manager for the cafeteria in the hospital would like to sell my items at Christmas (wow!), but we're not sure if that's feasible yet. I'm not a registered business for all this so it poses problems - but not impossible ones.
I sit back and look at my life as it stands and... I'm so happy and so thankful. You and I know I've wanted things to turn around for a long time now. And if you really know about things, you know I worked hard for this and it's about damn time. I don't feel bad saying I deserve this (something I never would have been able to say in the past; I was a different person then).
How do I feel now besides happy? Tired as hell. I'm exhausted. I can barely keep my head upright. Baking over a hot oven for 3 days and socializing for one & trying to make an adequate impression and future contacts, takes a lot out of a girl. And apparently I'm doing this again in November!?!
Well, I'm going to take a night for myself and get to bed early (back to reality - work!). I can't leave without saying thanks to you for all your support. And you know I can't leave without thanking the Big Guy upstairs. Last but never least, W.; I hate to sound cliche but my rock and my strength. Without your love and support (and endless patience for my craziness; God love you) I wouldn't have had the strength for today. You are my life.
....At least, as far as successes go. I count anything as a profit a success, so by my standards, I wasn't asking much. Whatever I made I considered a bonus; I'm doing what I enjoy. Now, I was anxious as hell for getting my baking out in the public for the first time, I'm not gonna lie. You know when things just sort of...roll in succession and happen naturally and fall into place? That's what this was. It was suggested I put in a table, I automatically made business cards without thinking much about it and baked my ass off for 3 days. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about things or deliberating if this is what I should do.
Now, having said that, I know what I would do differently next time. I need to get on the ball more and I'd make a few changes.. but that's a learned experience and all hindsight now. I'm making notes for next time (I need a designated notebook!).
The weather was.. tolerable. It was drizzly today and damp - so the girls and I were a bit chilled to the bone. I should have a bath tonight; that's a sure remedy.
There were 2 girls at a table next to me who took care of the produce (there was a lot!) and they were super nice. In fact, one of them is a manager at a boutique grocer down the street and suggested I look into getting my product in there (did I just hear myself say someone wanted me to sell my stuff in a store.. professionally?). I'll keep her as a contact. Also, the manager for the cafeteria in the hospital would like to sell my items at Christmas (wow!), but we're not sure if that's feasible yet. I'm not a registered business for all this so it poses problems - but not impossible ones.
I sit back and look at my life as it stands and... I'm so happy and so thankful. You and I know I've wanted things to turn around for a long time now. And if you really know about things, you know I worked hard for this and it's about damn time. I don't feel bad saying I deserve this (something I never would have been able to say in the past; I was a different person then).
How do I feel now besides happy? Tired as hell. I'm exhausted. I can barely keep my head upright. Baking over a hot oven for 3 days and socializing for one & trying to make an adequate impression and future contacts, takes a lot out of a girl. And apparently I'm doing this again in November!?!
Well, I'm going to take a night for myself and get to bed early (back to reality - work!). I can't leave without saying thanks to you for all your support. And you know I can't leave without thanking the Big Guy upstairs. Last but never least, W.; I hate to sound cliche but my rock and my strength. Without your love and support (and endless patience for my craziness; God love you) I wouldn't have had the strength for today. You are my life.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Completely Random
Thank you, Lord, for giving me the eyes and letting me see he's such an ass. Why You didn't however, show me 6 years ago is beyond me.
Much love,
J.
/random
#cryptic (but not really)
P.S - Thank you for showing me now what real love is. I am truly blessed. You have certainly given more than I ever asked for.
Much love,
J.
/random
#cryptic (but not really)
P.S - Thank you for showing me now what real love is. I am truly blessed. You have certainly given more than I ever asked for.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Phew
Well, I'm writing sooner than I thought I would. Isn't it typical, I say I'm taking some time off, then write the next day. Ah well. Hi! :) I guess I haven't written cause I don't know where to start, there's been so much going on. So... I guess I'll just pick a topic and go from there.
I've been getting back in the kitchen lately, which feels SO good. I haven't baked much over the summer. With the heat, it was just too much, y'know? ..despite having an A/C. The other day a la French, I made a Blackberry Butter Cake. It turned out horribly. I mean, it was edible for the most part, but I forgot a step and.. bleh. Anyways, it's just another excuse to make it again :)
I've come across a few sites/articles I wanted to share because I thought they had some element in them that I agreed with, identified with or thought should come to light.
HP's We Respect Our iPhones More Than Our Elders (which, doesn't really mention personal devices at all, so much as getting and giving back to seniors).
Hp's 7 Laws of Fearless Living. I *loved* the points in this. Good to think about as you consider your current position in life.
CBC's Tropicana Orange Juice lawsuits question 'natural' status.CZ CS, this ties in to something we were talking about before. Folks, if it's important to you, know that the o.j on the shelf isn't as pure as you may have thought it to be. But then, we shouldn't be surprised. If you can afford to juice, do it.
HP's What's in your God Box? Hmm... I'm going to let you read this one on your own.
Random, but The Traveler's Lunchbox, The Well-Salted Tart. I want to make this. AR, I think you would be happy if I did, so I'll get back to you ;)
Ah! This was an interesting site; Wheat Belly (linked to About the Author which kind of gives the synopsis of what he's about) which exposes thoughts on wheat and the detriments it's causing to our health.. and depending on your current nutrition beliefs, you may (or may not, but I'm not sure how) agree with.
lifehacker's The Snarky Voice in Your Head is Killing Your Productivity; Here's How to Stop It. I liked this, too, and have often found myself guilty (so often! eek!) of the negative inner voice and this will cause you to be mindful of curbing your "inner asshole". Or at least, bring it to your attention and you can decide what you want to do. (C'mon.. tell me you're not guilty of some of these points.)
This is a blog post on how to Scare Yourself Every Day, if you're into personal challenges or need a kick in the arse for motivation to try something different. This may or may not be for you.
HP's Tithing In Canada: Churchgoers Divided Over Donating Percentage of Their Income. An interesting read about tithing rules, practices, beliefs of different denominations. The statistics are interesting.
Wow! That was a lot I had saved up, eh? I'd be interested what you thought of any of them.
The only other thing I have to write about is a new love; a dear friend of mine whom I've known for a few years. The catch? (..cause there's always one in Jody's life) He's in Europe. Which means I have a helluva'n adventure ahead of me if it works out. I hope it does :) Think positive, people! :)
Due to possible impending move, I've been trying to adapt to a more minimalist way of living. Not that I have a lot of stuff or am materialistic, but am second-thinking purchases. Oh.. ha.. except for this. Well, it didn't even cost me anything, but I have to show you; with my airmiles I saved up, I got a new Henckels knife set. It's so pretty. It's sitting on my counter, constantly whispering every day, "Use me!"
I'm applying for a new job and need your positive thoughts for that, too! It's in a kitchen in a higher-end hotel in the city; I'm really feeling pulled towards it.
That's all for now. I need to make me some lunch. Hope the week is treating you well. I'll be hitting up the Jazz Festival this weekend with a couple friends (including a close friend coming in from out of town) and I can't wait. My favourite time of year.
I've been getting back in the kitchen lately, which feels SO good. I haven't baked much over the summer. With the heat, it was just too much, y'know? ..despite having an A/C. The other day a la French, I made a Blackberry Butter Cake. It turned out horribly. I mean, it was edible for the most part, but I forgot a step and.. bleh. Anyways, it's just another excuse to make it again :)
I've come across a few sites/articles I wanted to share because I thought they had some element in them that I agreed with, identified with or thought should come to light.
HP's We Respect Our iPhones More Than Our Elders (which, doesn't really mention personal devices at all, so much as getting and giving back to seniors).
Hp's 7 Laws of Fearless Living. I *loved* the points in this. Good to think about as you consider your current position in life.
CBC's Tropicana Orange Juice lawsuits question 'natural' status.
HP's What's in your God Box? Hmm... I'm going to let you read this one on your own.
Random, but The Traveler's Lunchbox, The Well-Salted Tart. I want to make this. AR, I think you would be happy if I did, so I'll get back to you ;)
Ah! This was an interesting site; Wheat Belly (linked to About the Author which kind of gives the synopsis of what he's about) which exposes thoughts on wheat and the detriments it's causing to our health.. and depending on your current nutrition beliefs, you may (or may not, but I'm not sure how) agree with.
lifehacker's The Snarky Voice in Your Head is Killing Your Productivity; Here's How to Stop It. I liked this, too, and have often found myself guilty (so often! eek!) of the negative inner voice and this will cause you to be mindful of curbing your "inner asshole". Or at least, bring it to your attention and you can decide what you want to do. (C'mon.. tell me you're not guilty of some of these points.)
This is a blog post on how to Scare Yourself Every Day, if you're into personal challenges or need a kick in the arse for motivation to try something different. This may or may not be for you.
HP's Tithing In Canada: Churchgoers Divided Over Donating Percentage of Their Income. An interesting read about tithing rules, practices, beliefs of different denominations. The statistics are interesting.
Wow! That was a lot I had saved up, eh? I'd be interested what you thought of any of them.
The only other thing I have to write about is a new love; a dear friend of mine whom I've known for a few years. The catch? (..cause there's always one in Jody's life) He's in Europe. Which means I have a helluva'n adventure ahead of me if it works out. I hope it does :) Think positive, people! :)
Due to possible impending move, I've been trying to adapt to a more minimalist way of living. Not that I have a lot of stuff or am materialistic, but am second-thinking purchases. Oh.. ha.. except for this. Well, it didn't even cost me anything, but I have to show you; with my airmiles I saved up, I got a new Henckels knife set. It's so pretty. It's sitting on my counter, constantly whispering every day, "Use me!"
Ooooh.... ahhhh.... teh pretty.. (thanks to AC for photoshop)
I'm applying for a new job and need your positive thoughts for that, too! It's in a kitchen in a higher-end hotel in the city; I'm really feeling pulled towards it.
That's all for now. I need to make me some lunch. Hope the week is treating you well. I'll be hitting up the Jazz Festival this weekend with a couple friends (including a close friend coming in from out of town) and I can't wait. My favourite time of year.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I'm Baaaaack...
Well, I'd originally sat down to write but I got caught up in Pinterest and, well, 45 min later.. here I am. Gah, it's such a fabulous time-waster. So. Many. Pretty. Things. I was pinning all things steampunk (which finally gives a name to a secret fetish I've had for all things of said decor, jewelry, art, artifacts, etc). Victorian meets future, meets sci-fi, meets industrial, meets western; how awesome is that? No, my question to you should be, how can you NOT like it?
Gah! I just got sidetracked again! Another 15 minutes lost. Good heavens. My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!! *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!! Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.
... *pauses* ... *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...
.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...
I had some pancakes. I got up to get something and this happened...
He totally took over my chair! Silly Babu.
So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent. I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it. I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that. But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK). Something occurred to me. You know what? No. Hell no. I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while. So you know what? I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something. Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet. Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)? Volunteering of time? No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet. Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest? I'll take suggestions from anyone. Maybe something food-related. If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me. Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues. Hmm.. that's not a bad idea. I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring and I LOVE this. Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below. I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.) Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent. There you go.
I've been learning more Italian on the side. It's going very well. I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them! Mostly.
I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity. It's fantastic. I hope to give excerpts on it later.
I'm feeling a bit better today. A bit lighter. A little bit... released. That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs. /cryptic
*looks out the window* Dude, where'd this snow come from? This is a funny winter.
Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment. Hope y'all are having a good day.
Gah! I just got sidetracked again! Another 15 minutes lost. Good heavens. My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!! *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!! Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.
... *pauses* ... *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...
.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...
I had some pancakes. I got up to get something and this happened...
He totally took over my chair! Silly Babu.
So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent. I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it. I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that. But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK). Something occurred to me. You know what? No. Hell no. I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while. So you know what? I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something. Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet. Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)? Volunteering of time? No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet. Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest? I'll take suggestions from anyone. Maybe something food-related. If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me. Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues. Hmm.. that's not a bad idea. I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring and I LOVE this. Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below. I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.) Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent. There you go.
I've been learning more Italian on the side. It's going very well. I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them! Mostly.
I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity. It's fantastic. I hope to give excerpts on it later.
I'm feeling a bit better today. A bit lighter. A little bit... released. That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs. /cryptic
*looks out the window* Dude, where'd this snow come from? This is a funny winter.
Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment. Hope y'all are having a good day.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Healing
So, it was a most excellent weekend spent with friends and family :)
Saturday I was able to whip up a batch of Shortbread Chocolate Chip Cookies (melt in your mouth) and had a friend over in the evening for dinner and a bit of football watching. Sunday I was Mass and breakfast and headed home to meet a friend at the pub quickly to pick up a stained glass piece she did for me, then I had to get home 'cause my sister was coming to pick me up to see the new baby. He's so adorable. So... we spent time in the hospital with baby and the new parents (I got to hog him and hold him for what seemed like forever... and Ienjoyedeveryminuteofit). Oh look - there's that healing circle I was talking about :) We rallied and sat around the bed and talked, shared birthing stories. Then the new parents rested while the rest of us held down the fort/took care of baby/answered phones/took care of carpooling other's kids to-and-from, etc. I myself, came away grounded after visiting the family.
Today I'm doing my own sort of healing (with food!) and cooking a stew in the oven; it takes 4 hours. I think about how we (past and present) rally around in the kitchen for meals; the kitchen, when used, is the warmest part of the house (in winter). Unfortunately, Babu doesn't share in my desire to 'share stories over the cutting board'; he just gets greedy and comes to pick up potato peelings :)
I'm going to go spend more time in the kitchen; it's the most enjoyable place for me to be right now. I've got veggies to chop up for snacking and a chickpea salad to make for lunches. Stay warm and attempt to stay stress-free the week before Christmas. Spend time with who makes you happy. Don't lose the art of story-telling; share your stories and reconnect with those close to you.
Saturday I was able to whip up a batch of Shortbread Chocolate Chip Cookies (melt in your mouth) and had a friend over in the evening for dinner and a bit of football watching. Sunday I was Mass and breakfast and headed home to meet a friend at the pub quickly to pick up a stained glass piece she did for me, then I had to get home 'cause my sister was coming to pick me up to see the new baby. He's so adorable. So... we spent time in the hospital with baby and the new parents (I got to hog him and hold him for what seemed like forever... and Ienjoyedeveryminuteofit). Oh look - there's that healing circle I was talking about :) We rallied and sat around the bed and talked, shared birthing stories. Then the new parents rested while the rest of us held down the fort/took care of baby/answered phones/took care of carpooling other's kids to-and-from, etc. I myself, came away grounded after visiting the family.
Today I'm doing my own sort of healing (with food!) and cooking a stew in the oven; it takes 4 hours. I think about how we (past and present) rally around in the kitchen for meals; the kitchen, when used, is the warmest part of the house (in winter). Unfortunately, Babu doesn't share in my desire to 'share stories over the cutting board'; he just gets greedy and comes to pick up potato peelings :)
I'm going to go spend more time in the kitchen; it's the most enjoyable place for me to be right now. I've got veggies to chop up for snacking and a chickpea salad to make for lunches. Stay warm and attempt to stay stress-free the week before Christmas. Spend time with who makes you happy. Don't lose the art of story-telling; share your stories and reconnect with those close to you.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Morning Musings
I'm sitting rather early at my computer today, hands wrapped around a hot mug of tea...mmm. I managed to wake up this morning, sans alarm clock. Unfortunately, I woke up 'cause I was sick, thanks due in part to last nights dinner - ice cream, instead of 'real' food. (Hey, don't judge.) Then I got thinking about random things, things that are way too serious for a Saturday morning; about family dynamics, this person's relation to that person, what they have or haven't done, etc. Bah. I had to stop that right away. Instead, I have something much better to talk about.
One of my patients, I've come to learn, was on a plane travelling.. I don't remember where..(someplace warm) and her spine collapsed. Also has 4th stage cancer of.. I can't remember now; something to do with the thoracic spine. I think maybe lungs are involved? Anyways, you walk in this woman's room and it's crowded with flowers, cards, pictures. I mean.. *crowded*. You can tell she's affected or is in touch with a lot of people. You don't see a room like this often. She often has guests and these people are VERY nice; but not only are these people nice, they're.. grounded, very down-to-earth and comfortable with who they are and with who they're around. It's not often you walk into a room with such positive and healing energy. Attached to her door before you walk in is a paper with a Buddhist quote, "Worry is prayer for something you don't want." I like it. I think. I'm still sitting with it, actually, but I like that it's making me reflect. I ran into one of her visitors in the hall whom I know well (I didn't know she knew her) and I told her I would check in on her personally to make sure she has everything she needs. It was nice to feel more of a purpose again; to go above and beyond for a patient, making sure they're comfortable in a miserable place. I can't provide much, but I hope that what I can provide makes things just a bit more pleasant. It was nice to do that "added touch"; unfortunately, I wish I could do that for all my patients, but I just don't have the time (ironic, when my department is trying to focus more around patient-centered care, but that's a rant for another day).
One of my immediate co-workers, his mom is terminal and they're expecting her to go any day; this was another room with a group of family/friends (number of people varying on the day, from a few to several). Also very nice people. It's a comfortable room to walk in.
Both of these accounts have left me blessed to witness human compassion, healing and support. These patients have amazing support systems, how could they not feel at ease going through their illness/death? Not only does it help the patient, but it helps the family; I'm not worried much about my co-worker, for I've seen his support system. It's unfortunate that these instances stand out, because often I see only a person or two at a beside, if any at all. The amount of people I see that have passed without anyone there..it makes me sad (if you work in healthcare, you'll understand my testament).
So I think about these patients and their "healing circles". And it's literally a circle - the patient is in their bed and their visitors will position themselves literally around the patient. What a magnificent thing it must be, being surrounded by healthy, strong people who come to bring us love. It's a silent power, having people around us when times (or health) aren't well. They offer a break from our ills, our worry, our stress, our pain. They offer comfort, support, laughter, smiles, hugs... and any reprieve from what has us down is beneficial, with concrete effects of healing us faster.
So.. I'm going to do my best to ask for help from my "healing circle" over the next week and I urge you to do the same. Don't need one? Find someone who does. Guaranteed there's someone out there who needs to know someone's there and someone cares right now. Go out for coffee! Send a "Thinking of you!" email, text or virtual hug. Send a " :) ". This world isn't going to get any better if we let increasing technology sterilize our relationships. I want your heart warmed by witnessing (or being a part of) human compassion as much as mine has this week.
One of my patients, I've come to learn, was on a plane travelling.. I don't remember where..(someplace warm) and her spine collapsed. Also has 4th stage cancer of.. I can't remember now; something to do with the thoracic spine. I think maybe lungs are involved? Anyways, you walk in this woman's room and it's crowded with flowers, cards, pictures. I mean.. *crowded*. You can tell she's affected or is in touch with a lot of people. You don't see a room like this often. She often has guests and these people are VERY nice; but not only are these people nice, they're.. grounded, very down-to-earth and comfortable with who they are and with who they're around. It's not often you walk into a room with such positive and healing energy. Attached to her door before you walk in is a paper with a Buddhist quote, "Worry is prayer for something you don't want." I like it. I think. I'm still sitting with it, actually, but I like that it's making me reflect. I ran into one of her visitors in the hall whom I know well (I didn't know she knew her) and I told her I would check in on her personally to make sure she has everything she needs. It was nice to feel more of a purpose again; to go above and beyond for a patient, making sure they're comfortable in a miserable place. I can't provide much, but I hope that what I can provide makes things just a bit more pleasant. It was nice to do that "added touch"; unfortunately, I wish I could do that for all my patients, but I just don't have the time (ironic, when my department is trying to focus more around patient-centered care, but that's a rant for another day).
One of my immediate co-workers, his mom is terminal and they're expecting her to go any day; this was another room with a group of family/friends (number of people varying on the day, from a few to several). Also very nice people. It's a comfortable room to walk in.
Both of these accounts have left me blessed to witness human compassion, healing and support. These patients have amazing support systems, how could they not feel at ease going through their illness/death? Not only does it help the patient, but it helps the family; I'm not worried much about my co-worker, for I've seen his support system. It's unfortunate that these instances stand out, because often I see only a person or two at a beside, if any at all. The amount of people I see that have passed without anyone there..it makes me sad (if you work in healthcare, you'll understand my testament).
So I think about these patients and their "healing circles". And it's literally a circle - the patient is in their bed and their visitors will position themselves literally around the patient. What a magnificent thing it must be, being surrounded by healthy, strong people who come to bring us love. It's a silent power, having people around us when times (or health) aren't well. They offer a break from our ills, our worry, our stress, our pain. They offer comfort, support, laughter, smiles, hugs... and any reprieve from what has us down is beneficial, with concrete effects of healing us faster.
So.. I'm going to do my best to ask for help from my "healing circle" over the next week and I urge you to do the same. Don't need one? Find someone who does. Guaranteed there's someone out there who needs to know someone's there and someone cares right now. Go out for coffee! Send a "Thinking of you!" email, text or virtual hug. Send a " :) ". This world isn't going to get any better if we let increasing technology sterilize our relationships. I want your heart warmed by witnessing (or being a part of) human compassion as much as mine has this week.
Friday, October 28, 2011
(Not) Being At Peace
This post has been a LONG time coming. The universe has been haunting me, poking, prodding at me about this subject. I've been thinking about it, pondering it, keeping it in the back of my mind until it's resolved. Only it's not resolved, it's still lingering there, hanging in the air... now with bright, flashing neon lights.
I've long been concentrating on people's appearance. Not their physical appearance (there's already been a post made about that, anyways) but their.. how can I say.. energy, for lack of better terms; how they present themselves, are comfortable with, or at ease with themselves. How much they're at peace with themself. And I mean *really* at peace. They glow. When being around that person, you feel their peace. They are okay with who. they. are. I don't have that peace. I've been trying and I've been very unsuccessful. Having said that, I've learned something about myself; also a bit of irony.
I've learned I adapt. This is nothing new to me; I know I've been a very adaptable person in any given situation. It used to make me even a bit successful whatever my surroundings/job/social situation. But I can narrow it down even more and say I adapt *to* the person I'm spending my time with, about 99% of the time. I think I've done this for many years, I've just never articulated or acknowledged it. I read them and I play off them. Okay, that might sound rhetorical to you, but it's not, not in the way I mean it. I almost, at times, micro-manage my emotions, reactions and idiosyncrasies *to* them (or you, if you're reading this). (It sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?) You can say in a way, I've made *my* persona out of fragments I've developed from many people. Does that make me my own individual person? Or does it not make it "me" and that it only makes "me" pieces of people stitched together like a quilt making a separate entity? Those little cloths were once one large piece of fabric. It was whole. And I'm quite sure, if it could talk before getting carelessly snipped into fragmented pieces, it would tell you it was happy and at peace with itself. But now that little swatch of fabric has joined other swatches of fabrics. He might now feel surrounded by swatch friends, but does not feel whole. Do they complement him or do they make him feel disconnected?
I heard a quote years ago that hasn't left me and pops up in my head from time to time; "What makes you think you're separate from the world around you?"
Metaphors aside, (I really do think too much sometimes, don't I?) I need to find the real me. The me I'm comfortable being. I'm not sure why I'm not. Fear of rejection, perhaps. Lack of self-confidence. Being burned too many times by too many various people (and relationships - friendship or intimate). There is a huge lack of trust there. People in my life (past or present) have often dictated (with or without words) how I should express myself, what I should say or shouldn't say, how I should act, socialize, be - so I think a large part of me has given up, resigned.
The irony I mentioned earlier? Long story short; with the first chat site I belonged to (some 16 years ago), I thought of the code name 'Maveric' (yes, you're seeing it mis-spelled without the 'k'; some slimy bastard took the name before me, but being the stubborn person I am, still wanted it so I.. ha.. conformed..and altered it. I couldn't pick a new name. Noooo, that wouldn't do. I gave in and altered instead of asserting a new choice). Maverick as defined by Websters is, "A person who refuses to follow the customs or rules of a group". They're a nonconformist. What have I been doing the last 20 years? Conforming.
Scheiße.
There is that 1% that I feel I can be 100% of myself with (whatever that "self" is). That number of friends I can count on is less than the fingers of my hand. I don't feel I need to compete with this person, or they've demonstrated over various situations and trials that I can trust them and I know they'll be there time and time again - whatever shit I pull. So that usually dictates I've known these people for many years. It's just a shame I can't spend more time with them. Or maybe I should just conform less.
Wow, the mere mention of the word makes my skin crawl. I hate it. Striving for avoidance has caused me to manifest into the one type of creature I detest. Do I detest myself? No, not at all. This cat's just trying to find her groove, is all. So the adventure continues.
That's WAY more than enough self-introspection for today. And for a Friday no less! How dare I! Well, I hope you have fun plans for Halloween weekend. I'm heading to a party or two, perhaps sans costume (oh don't judge) so I'm looking forward to some social activity. I even have plans into next Monday! Exciting. Oh, and tonight I'm going to see Jill Barber in concert! Can't wait!
Have a great weekend folks. Have fun and be careful, whatever you do!
I've long been concentrating on people's appearance. Not their physical appearance (there's already been a post made about that, anyways) but their.. how can I say.. energy, for lack of better terms; how they present themselves, are comfortable with, or at ease with themselves. How much they're at peace with themself. And I mean *really* at peace. They glow. When being around that person, you feel their peace. They are okay with who. they. are. I don't have that peace. I've been trying and I've been very unsuccessful. Having said that, I've learned something about myself; also a bit of irony.
I've learned I adapt. This is nothing new to me; I know I've been a very adaptable person in any given situation. It used to make me even a bit successful whatever my surroundings/job/social situation. But I can narrow it down even more and say I adapt *to* the person I'm spending my time with, about 99% of the time. I think I've done this for many years, I've just never articulated or acknowledged it. I read them and I play off them. Okay, that might sound rhetorical to you, but it's not, not in the way I mean it. I almost, at times, micro-manage my emotions, reactions and idiosyncrasies *to* them (or you, if you're reading this). (It sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it?) You can say in a way, I've made *my* persona out of fragments I've developed from many people. Does that make me my own individual person? Or does it not make it "me" and that it only makes "me" pieces of people stitched together like a quilt making a separate entity? Those little cloths were once one large piece of fabric. It was whole. And I'm quite sure, if it could talk before getting carelessly snipped into fragmented pieces, it would tell you it was happy and at peace with itself. But now that little swatch of fabric has joined other swatches of fabrics. He might now feel surrounded by swatch friends, but does not feel whole. Do they complement him or do they make him feel disconnected?
I heard a quote years ago that hasn't left me and pops up in my head from time to time; "What makes you think you're separate from the world around you?"
Metaphors aside, (I really do think too much sometimes, don't I?) I need to find the real me. The me I'm comfortable being. I'm not sure why I'm not. Fear of rejection, perhaps. Lack of self-confidence. Being burned too many times by too many various people (and relationships - friendship or intimate). There is a huge lack of trust there. People in my life (past or present) have often dictated (with or without words) how I should express myself, what I should say or shouldn't say, how I should act, socialize, be - so I think a large part of me has given up, resigned.
The irony I mentioned earlier? Long story short; with the first chat site I belonged to (some 16 years ago), I thought of the code name 'Maveric' (yes, you're seeing it mis-spelled without the 'k'; some slimy bastard took the name before me, but being the stubborn person I am, still wanted it so I.. ha.. conformed..and altered it. I couldn't pick a new name. Noooo, that wouldn't do. I gave in and altered instead of asserting a new choice). Maverick as defined by Websters is, "A person who refuses to follow the customs or rules of a group". They're a nonconformist. What have I been doing the last 20 years? Conforming.
Scheiße.
There is that 1% that I feel I can be 100% of myself with (whatever that "self" is). That number of friends I can count on is less than the fingers of my hand. I don't feel I need to compete with this person, or they've demonstrated over various situations and trials that I can trust them and I know they'll be there time and time again - whatever shit I pull. So that usually dictates I've known these people for many years. It's just a shame I can't spend more time with them. Or maybe I should just conform less.
Wow, the mere mention of the word makes my skin crawl. I hate it. Striving for avoidance has caused me to manifest into the one type of creature I detest. Do I detest myself? No, not at all. This cat's just trying to find her groove, is all. So the adventure continues.
That's WAY more than enough self-introspection for today. And for a Friday no less! How dare I! Well, I hope you have fun plans for Halloween weekend. I'm heading to a party or two, perhaps sans costume (oh don't judge) so I'm looking forward to some social activity. I even have plans into next Monday! Exciting. Oh, and tonight I'm going to see Jill Barber in concert! Can't wait!
Have a great weekend folks. Have fun and be careful, whatever you do!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Nathan (a long post)
It's late, I'm getting tired. Too late for a tea, I'm afraid, or I'll be up all night (which I find extremely frustrating, because all I want right now is a damned tea). But I feel like talking. It's been a while since I've shared something personal with you.
I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, Nathan. We grew up together from a young age (I'd say we met when we were about 5/6) having lived in the same townhouse complex. Myself, him and his sister A., well, we were the three musketeers. Inseparable. I have pictures, I should scan one sometime.
There was never a dull day with us; one of us was always getting into trouble. My parents had to remind me (when I was older) that one day Nathan hid his report card in the bush (not having done well, of course) and I pulled it out, questioning what it was, handing it over to my parents. Ha. Oops. And our parents kind of disciplined the other's kids (their mom was much more easy going than mine was). Poor Nathan, he was always getting into trouble. I'm sure at one point he was standing in the corner (of *our* house), crying, having his mouth washed out with soap (I'm not even lying) for having said something inappropriate. Or was that me? I'm not sure. Memory is sketchy from that age. One day A. convinced me to use my Crayola purple finger paints and paint the walls - of our rented home - instead of paper. *laughing* Wow, I remember going from the top of the stairs, down the stairway (apparently it got on the carpet, too), sliding my gooey, purple hands aaaaaall the way down the wall of the stairs to the bottom. I'm laughing about it now, but man, did we get in trou-ble! Phew. My mom was so pissed about having to clean all that up. I didn't get any chocolate for Easter THAT year! (We still talk about that story to this day and laugh.)
We didn't stay there long I don't think; a year or two, then we moved out into the country and A. and Nathan were still in the city. We would visit; our families would get together. I remember having them over for a fire (have pictures of that, too). We would always goof around and we would ALWAYS be laughing. Always, always laughing.
Spring ahead a few more years into our (early) teens (about 13/14). I still lived in the country but would be in the city every other weekend to visit my dad. Nathan and I started to get together more. The anticipation I felt when I knew I was meeting up with him, the nervous jitters, the giddiness... but at the same time, not nervous. He was one of my best friends to hang around with (even if we saw each other less as we grew). There was a sort of peace being with him. He felt like home. I didn't care what we did, so long as we did it together. He would treat me so well, I remember, always wanting the best for me. He would take me out for lunch, talk, go for walks. Oh the laughs we used to have. I still remember to this day sitting together over lunch in this sort of fancy (well, for us kids) restaurant laughing over what was on our plates; the funny way the potato salad was arranged and he would (as always) crack jokes about stuff. We were laughing so hard we were in tears, trying to catch our breath! I smile now remembering it; his smile (heh, his braces!), his stark blue eyes, his blonde hair (that was buzzed short for cadets). Vocalized or not at the time, we were dating. I remember leaving him from one of our dates (it sounds so silly to call it a 'date' when so young); we were on the city bus sitting in the very back seat. He got off first. My eyes followed him as we drove off, turning around and waving to him out the back window. He was smiling. You know... that content, huge grin that someone brings to your face when you think of them. I didn't like being away from him, but such were our realities.
One morning, I'm not sure what time (07:30?) when I was 14 (I was still sleeping of course) I heard someone come to the door. My parents answered. There was crying. Still in my stupor, I knew something was wrong. I knew who it involved and that dread filled and paralyzed me. Soon enough, my mom gently knocked on my door, came in, sat at the side of the bed and told me Nathan had killed himself the night before; his parents found him on the floor in the basement family room, gun in hand (and a note I never got to read or hear much about, unfortunately). I muttered some obscenities. I cried. I felt even more dread. I was downright angry. How dare he. How DARE the one guy I felt at peace with and slowly fell in love with.. leave me! We'd just started developing our friendship more, seeing each other. I was completely empty.
I remember the funeral. The black clothes. So many black clothes. A bit of the speech his sister gave. The song she played that he liked ('Somebody', Depeche Mode. To this day I'll cry when I hear it). I don't remember if I cried or not. I remember feeling sort of out-of-body. I got to know death a lot when I was young, so funerals (and my actions during them) were common; I'd usually save my tears for behind closed doors.
After that is a bit of a blur, until I was 16. I was suicidal (for other various, personal reasons) & his death had a bit to do with it. But don't worry, things got better. I moved on. I... accepted.
Accepting someone's death doesn't mean you miss them any less. God I miss him. There are times in life I think about him daily and days or weeks I won't think about him at all. I still get angry. I get angry at having someone so perfect for me (who let me be imperfect) be taken away so soon. But there's a reason for everything, isn't there? Even when I was young I knew this and had faith and no problems accepting it. Except with him... I never learned the reason.
I wonder if I've been trying to fill his shoes since he's been gone (a nearly impossible task). Unconsciously, of course. I see some of the common traits in my most important men (which I'll keep to myself, though if you know me you'll probably guess what some of them are). I try to look at his death a different way these days, though. How can I honour him? How can I keep alive the one person who never mistreated me? Who wanted the best for me. Who, in some young way, loved me. So I think about these things and I keep him close to me. It makes me happy. I ask him for guidance should I find a man to spend my life with. I always thought he had a hand in K and I being together in some way. But now? I'm not sure. Time will tell.
This is my Nathan. He was such a fabulous person. All he wanted to do was make people laugh. I forgot how important that is (to have happiness, laughter). I hope you have some in yours; he'd think you'd deserve it. I know I do :)
Looks like I could have had that tea after all.
I want to introduce you to a friend of mine, Nathan. We grew up together from a young age (I'd say we met when we were about 5/6) having lived in the same townhouse complex. Myself, him and his sister A., well, we were the three musketeers. Inseparable. I have pictures, I should scan one sometime.
There was never a dull day with us; one of us was always getting into trouble. My parents had to remind me (when I was older) that one day Nathan hid his report card in the bush (not having done well, of course) and I pulled it out, questioning what it was, handing it over to my parents. Ha. Oops. And our parents kind of disciplined the other's kids (their mom was much more easy going than mine was). Poor Nathan, he was always getting into trouble. I'm sure at one point he was standing in the corner (of *our* house), crying, having his mouth washed out with soap (I'm not even lying) for having said something inappropriate. Or was that me? I'm not sure. Memory is sketchy from that age. One day A. convinced me to use my Crayola purple finger paints and paint the walls - of our rented home - instead of paper. *laughing* Wow, I remember going from the top of the stairs, down the stairway (apparently it got on the carpet, too), sliding my gooey, purple hands aaaaaall the way down the wall of the stairs to the bottom. I'm laughing about it now, but man, did we get in trou-ble! Phew. My mom was so pissed about having to clean all that up. I didn't get any chocolate for Easter THAT year! (We still talk about that story to this day and laugh.)
We didn't stay there long I don't think; a year or two, then we moved out into the country and A. and Nathan were still in the city. We would visit; our families would get together. I remember having them over for a fire (have pictures of that, too). We would always goof around and we would ALWAYS be laughing. Always, always laughing.
Spring ahead a few more years into our (early) teens (about 13/14). I still lived in the country but would be in the city every other weekend to visit my dad. Nathan and I started to get together more. The anticipation I felt when I knew I was meeting up with him, the nervous jitters, the giddiness... but at the same time, not nervous. He was one of my best friends to hang around with (even if we saw each other less as we grew). There was a sort of peace being with him. He felt like home. I didn't care what we did, so long as we did it together. He would treat me so well, I remember, always wanting the best for me. He would take me out for lunch, talk, go for walks. Oh the laughs we used to have. I still remember to this day sitting together over lunch in this sort of fancy (well, for us kids) restaurant laughing over what was on our plates; the funny way the potato salad was arranged and he would (as always) crack jokes about stuff. We were laughing so hard we were in tears, trying to catch our breath! I smile now remembering it; his smile (heh, his braces!), his stark blue eyes, his blonde hair (that was buzzed short for cadets). Vocalized or not at the time, we were dating. I remember leaving him from one of our dates (it sounds so silly to call it a 'date' when so young); we were on the city bus sitting in the very back seat. He got off first. My eyes followed him as we drove off, turning around and waving to him out the back window. He was smiling. You know... that content, huge grin that someone brings to your face when you think of them. I didn't like being away from him, but such were our realities.
One morning, I'm not sure what time (07:30?) when I was 14 (I was still sleeping of course) I heard someone come to the door. My parents answered. There was crying. Still in my stupor, I knew something was wrong. I knew who it involved and that dread filled and paralyzed me. Soon enough, my mom gently knocked on my door, came in, sat at the side of the bed and told me Nathan had killed himself the night before; his parents found him on the floor in the basement family room, gun in hand (and a note I never got to read or hear much about, unfortunately). I muttered some obscenities. I cried. I felt even more dread. I was downright angry. How dare he. How DARE the one guy I felt at peace with and slowly fell in love with.. leave me! We'd just started developing our friendship more, seeing each other. I was completely empty.
I remember the funeral. The black clothes. So many black clothes. A bit of the speech his sister gave. The song she played that he liked ('Somebody', Depeche Mode. To this day I'll cry when I hear it). I don't remember if I cried or not. I remember feeling sort of out-of-body. I got to know death a lot when I was young, so funerals (and my actions during them) were common; I'd usually save my tears for behind closed doors.
After that is a bit of a blur, until I was 16. I was suicidal (for other various, personal reasons) & his death had a bit to do with it. But don't worry, things got better. I moved on. I... accepted.
Accepting someone's death doesn't mean you miss them any less. God I miss him. There are times in life I think about him daily and days or weeks I won't think about him at all. I still get angry. I get angry at having someone so perfect for me (who let me be imperfect) be taken away so soon. But there's a reason for everything, isn't there? Even when I was young I knew this and had faith and no problems accepting it. Except with him... I never learned the reason.
I wonder if I've been trying to fill his shoes since he's been gone (a nearly impossible task). Unconsciously, of course. I see some of the common traits in my most important men (which I'll keep to myself, though if you know me you'll probably guess what some of them are). I try to look at his death a different way these days, though. How can I honour him? How can I keep alive the one person who never mistreated me? Who wanted the best for me. Who, in some young way, loved me. So I think about these things and I keep him close to me. It makes me happy. I ask him for guidance should I find a man to spend my life with. I always thought he had a hand in K and I being together in some way. But now? I'm not sure. Time will tell.
This is my Nathan. He was such a fabulous person. All he wanted to do was make people laugh. I forgot how important that is (to have happiness, laughter). I hope you have some in yours; he'd think you'd deserve it. I know I do :)
Looks like I could have had that tea after all.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Let's Turn It Around, Shall We?
Right, so, I'm an ass (and feeling a little sheepish). I looked back at the reminder I'd kept for myself... and my memo wasn't on "fixing" people, it was on "helping" people. I think perhaps I'd fixated on Coldplay's "Fix You" too much with one thought and the rest took a spin-off from there (and perhaps a slight case of PMS). Whoops. Having said that, I got to see how some of my own thinking is flawed and its foundation/motivation. Anyways, let me explain....
My questionable theory was to help people evolve. Yes, my opinion of them evolving into a better person is a) subjective and b) insignificant. Again, why point out something to someone who may not want to receive said suggestions (or for that fact, might not be 'ready' to hear what I have to say)? When I got upset at myself for my increasing need to judge/control people, in my heart & gut I knew it was because I wasn't living Christ-like. Where do I get off trying to presume I know the intention of one's life path better than God? I don't lead a stellar life all of the time and I sure as hell know some of my actions are less than holy, but as far as my values and convictions about how people should be treated - I try to keep as close to God as humanly possible. When I saw I wasn't, I felt like I wasn't the only person I let down. So my goal isn't to 'fix people', but to also make them more Christ-like*. I have good intention, but the execution was a little flawed.
So when I see something in someone that strikes me as not (i.e) treating people well or with proper respect, I get a little twitchy and want to talk to them about *how* they're treating (for example) me and well, really, I want to point out their flaws (not so Christ-like) and to help smooth out the rough edges so if not me, the next person can benefit (more Christ-like?). But how can I do this and not appear (or be, for that fact) judgmental?
Something else that kind of ties in with all of this that's really been irking me for a long time (and I mean, years). It's a side tangent (read: vent) that's kind of related and I am a little angry about, so bear with me. I'm tired of my friends (it's not all of you, just there have been people in the past/present) thinking they can dictate my life, who I should be with or not be with. I've heard people come right out and say, "He's not worthy." Who the hell do you think you are deciding who's worthy for *me*?? Don't put YOUR past and YOUR hangups on men on ME. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I've been graced with the gift of having infinite amounts of patience for people and seeing *their* side of things (and seeing the good in them as well, when on the outside it seems not so good). This is MY gift. You don't have to like it, you don't have to understand it, but by God I need you to respect it (or at least me for having that ideology). It seriously pisses me off and I don't have the patience for it, so you can understand why I'm upset with myself for pulling the same behaviour and becoming critical of others.**
Also, when I say I'm not being treated 'properly' (for lack of better summarization), in hindsight (and honesty) I need to express that it's just because I'm not getting what I want (really... acting like a 6-year old & throwing a tantrum). The person(s) I speak of has never disrespected me (or if it's happened, it's been rare and forgivable for the most part). I want to blatantly point out to said person(s) that if they just saw... /this/... they would understand, turn around and life would be magically happy and perfect again. Wishing too much? Right.
My patience is running thin, I'm having a lot of lack of faith for His plan and I'm just frustrated to all hell. *I* know what I want, why can't He just give it to me? :P (joking, if you've missed the sarcasm.) Damn, there's that Free Will guy again, I see him lurking around the corner.
Wow. So... this whole.. admitting my faults publicly has made me quite humble and feeling accountable for my actions (at this point, I question why I write anything here). I kind of want to bury myself in a hole for a while and not come out for a couple months until I smooth everything out . Hopefully if you see me you'll be gentle and loving anyways while I try to piece and form myself back together again.
* To my Atheist friends: try not to have a knee-jerk reaction (if you have) with a dose of 'how dare you?' I mean well and you can re-word/re-interpret as you see fit; understand what I have to say is that I just want to help one become better, more whole etc, as the universe uses me as a prop in your life to aid you in whatever life lesson you need to learn.
** This paragraph comes with so many other thoughts; mostly it's understood one's friend being critical comes from a place of love and care - concern for wanting to see the best for the person we love. It all comes from a good place, but can sound critical and superior. Also, I understand my patience can be interpreted as losing interpretation of what's best for me, what I deserve, what my self-worth is and what I'll tolerate from certain individuals. This is something I continue to learn and struggle with.
My questionable theory was to help people evolve. Yes, my opinion of them evolving into a better person is a) subjective and b) insignificant. Again, why point out something to someone who may not want to receive said suggestions (or for that fact, might not be 'ready' to hear what I have to say)? When I got upset at myself for my increasing need to judge/control people, in my heart & gut I knew it was because I wasn't living Christ-like. Where do I get off trying to presume I know the intention of one's life path better than God? I don't lead a stellar life all of the time and I sure as hell know some of my actions are less than holy, but as far as my values and convictions about how people should be treated - I try to keep as close to God as humanly possible. When I saw I wasn't, I felt like I wasn't the only person I let down. So my goal isn't to 'fix people', but to also make them more Christ-like*. I have good intention, but the execution was a little flawed.
So when I see something in someone that strikes me as not (i.e) treating people well or with proper respect, I get a little twitchy and want to talk to them about *how* they're treating (for example) me and well, really, I want to point out their flaws (not so Christ-like) and to help smooth out the rough edges so if not me, the next person can benefit (more Christ-like?). But how can I do this and not appear (or be, for that fact) judgmental?
Something else that kind of ties in with all of this that's really been irking me for a long time (and I mean, years). It's a side tangent (read: vent) that's kind of related and I am a little angry about, so bear with me. I'm tired of my friends (it's not all of you, just there have been people in the past/present) thinking they can dictate my life, who I should be with or not be with. I've heard people come right out and say, "He's not worthy." Who the hell do you think you are deciding who's worthy for *me*?? Don't put YOUR past and YOUR hangups on men on ME. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I've been graced with the gift of having infinite amounts of patience for people and seeing *their* side of things (and seeing the good in them as well, when on the outside it seems not so good). This is MY gift. You don't have to like it, you don't have to understand it, but by God I need you to respect it (or at least me for having that ideology). It seriously pisses me off and I don't have the patience for it, so you can understand why I'm upset with myself for pulling the same behaviour and becoming critical of others.**
Also, when I say I'm not being treated 'properly' (for lack of better summarization), in hindsight (and honesty) I need to express that it's just because I'm not getting what I want (really... acting like a 6-year old & throwing a tantrum). The person(s) I speak of has never disrespected me (or if it's happened, it's been rare and forgivable for the most part). I want to blatantly point out to said person(s) that if they just saw... /this/... they would understand, turn around and life would be magically happy and perfect again. Wishing too much? Right.
My patience is running thin, I'm having a lot of lack of faith for His plan and I'm just frustrated to all hell. *I* know what I want, why can't He just give it to me? :P (joking, if you've missed the sarcasm.) Damn, there's that Free Will guy again, I see him lurking around the corner.
Wow. So... this whole.. admitting my faults publicly has made me quite humble and feeling accountable for my actions (at this point, I question why I write anything here). I kind of want to bury myself in a hole for a while and not come out for a couple months until I smooth everything out . Hopefully if you see me you'll be gentle and loving anyways while I try to piece and form myself back together again.
* To my Atheist friends: try not to have a knee-jerk reaction (if you have) with a dose of 'how dare you?' I mean well and you can re-word/re-interpret as you see fit; understand what I have to say is that I just want to help one become better, more whole etc, as the universe uses me as a prop in your life to aid you in whatever life lesson you need to learn.
** This paragraph comes with so many other thoughts; mostly it's understood one's friend being critical comes from a place of love and care - concern for wanting to see the best for the person we love. It all comes from a good place, but can sound critical and superior. Also, I understand my patience can be interpreted as losing interpretation of what's best for me, what I deserve, what my self-worth is and what I'll tolerate from certain individuals. This is something I continue to learn and struggle with.
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