Life Continues

I'm going to discuss various things today. Jumping around health, cultural differences and... who knows what else.  Get comfy.  It's a long'un.

Life has been pretty good lately. It's summer, so that means holidays. The north takes their holidays now, and in a week or two, the south take theirs, all for like, 3 weeks or something. I might not be spot-on about that, but it's close. And weird. I explained in Canada while the majority like to take a couple weeks in the summer off, we basically take them when we want. The plus is you know everyone's on holidays and expect that things are a bit slower. The con is... you know everyone's on holidays and expect things to take s-l-o-w-e-r. I digress.

The weather has been pretty fantastic.  It's been hovering anywhere from 23-28.  We've had a couple hot weeks in there, but nothing has beat an Ontario summer.  Really.  When it's hot it's hot, don't get me wrong, but the humidity cannot be matched.  Yet.  I hope not ever.  We had two random downpours in the middle of the night and the last heatwave just broke. Ahhh.

So remember me telling you about going to my doc, explaining that my monthly issues were rather painful and really getting nothing in response?  Well, she had the heart to send me to a gynaecologist. Thank goodness for that.  Went to the specialist (if you're on Facebook you saw my pictures of the hospital cafeteria - O.M.G) and I got answers *on the day*. I'm not kidding. I was in shock.  Never in Canada would I have gotten results that quick and decisive.  I had an exam and she showed me the ultrasound while it happened and explained to me what she saw; what was normal, what wasn't so much. She had an idea what it was when we first started talking, but post-examination she confirmed: PCOS.  I had a diagnosis.  Cure? There isn't one.  Treatment: painkillers.  Naturally, the pill and IUD etc were advised, but I dismissed them as treatment options.  All I care most is about controlling the pain, not as much regulating my cycle (it would be nice, but it's not a priority).  First was shock.  Then there was validation; I wasn't crazy, the pain is real and someone actually HEARD what I was telling them.  Then anger; my body was fighting against itself.  That's not cool and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it (unbeknownst to me).  I think I've finally come around to acceptance.

I've gone to a couple get-togethers and have met some more people.  Expats, mostly.  I'm still not social a fraction of what I used to be in Canada, which has been something to get used to, but it is what it is.  Oh!  I have met one of my neighbours on a walk, though.  Very nice man with very good English (and he has a cute dog).  I try to be social when I can and I have been trying to come out of my shell more to talk to the locals.  I've been enjoying developing my new friendships.  In fact, I had a party for my one year here (sorry I didn't post that day to celebrate it, but, life y'know? Also.. it was July 4th) and some of my new closest friends came.  Not everyone was able to make it, but we still had a great turnout (for the size of our apartment vs people not being squished) of 10 (and omg presents!).  I made the food stuffs, a basic spread on the table (and I made a strawberry-mint water that I couldn't keep full, it was going over so well, very refreshing!!) and we sat around and talked.  Everyone got to know someone new and they interacted with each other very easily.  I was asked to give a speech and one of the things I said was that meeting such wonderful people helped ease the void of missing my other friends in Canada so much, making it just a *little* bit easier.  It's a compliment to the new people and an ode to the old; you guys gave high standards to live up to and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I miss you all dearly and you cannot be replaced.  Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Did I mention a possible trip in September?  Perhaps I did, but I still will not disclose my location until it becomes final.  I'm waiting on good 'ol goverment of Canada to finish my taxes and deposit them in time.  C'moooooon CRA.

At the end of my party I noticed someone exchanging business cards.  I thought it was wonderful that people were networking.  This gave me an idea.  As a side tangent, W and I got talking last night about how to be successful in selling your product or service and what some of the keys are of making that a success.  Marketing, we decided was one.  You can even have, say, an average product, but HOW that product is marketed - clean, polished, professional - can make or break you. You know the others in the list: word of mouth, certain professional habits you can acquire as a person, self-confidence (or even a 'fake it till you make it' mentality) etc etc.  But it got me thinking; what if I held a networking party?  A couple people I know are out of work (me included) and the others are able or looking for additional work. I'm starting to very much believe in asking for help and support from those around me; without that I don't think success is (as) possible.  Who's skills can I enlist in my baking-from-home to help me be successful?  But I'm rambling.  What do you think?  Is this a good idea?

COOLers, please pray for me.  My spiritual life has been dry again and I have not had the dicipline to get my arse to church.  *sighs, ashamed*  I have said a couple basic prayers, but nothing of substance. It really sucks being so far away from a church.  An excuse?  Perhaps.  Reality?  Definitely.

 Well, I think I'm going to list cultural differences in another email. This one is long already!

Happy Monday!

Change of Course

I originally started writing this post yesterday or the day before and my emotions were at a bit of a low.  They've improved slightly so I am better to write today than before.

The past couple days has seen me change my priorities and course in life.  I was testing a recipe late last week and it didn't turn out (end product appearance wise, not taste-wise) and I kind of lost it.  The only thing I could worry about was how much money I was 'wasting' every time something didn't turn out.  Long story short... we don't have the funds right now for me to start a business and all it involves, so I will be actively looking for a job.  Speaking of which, I applied for a super one over the weekend that would be a perfect fit, so I'll ask for your prayers and positive thoughts, please!! :)  The job closed yesterday, so we'll see after that.

I'm sad with this change, though.  I feel as if I'm leaving yet another dream behind.  It scares me.  I don't want to get lost in another dead-end job, just trying to get by, trying to figure myself and life out, hoping to make enough money to make ends meet (well really, anything would be more than I'm making now) and just clocking enough time until retirement.  I'm scared I'll never come back to it again. Perhaps if that's what's meant to be, I should accept it.  Will I ever stop baking?  No.  I love it too much.  Will I still test recipes to use for sale?  Definitely... but when I'm ready and don't feel the stress of "if it doesn't work out, there's another x-€ down the drain".  Yes, I know every time I bake it's a learning experience.. blah blah blah.. but it doesn't take away what was bothering me at the core.  Since I've changed my thinking I feel a lot lighter and I have more headspace now for other things that have been also a priority (language, finding a job, etc), so it was the right decision.  We're making other cost-cutting ideas and putting them into place, one of which is me holding my membership at the gym.  That also made me sad because I am afraid I might not see my friend as often (we meet twice a week), but we share the same concern so I think we'll schedule time together outside of that. It will also force me to channel my efforts elsewhere to fill the need to be social. There is an organization I've been meaning to get in contact with for volunteering, so hopefully that will turn out.

W. has a birthday coming up on the 20th. I believe he shares a birthday with our friend W.W ;)  I have an idea what I might get him, but I'm not sure what to bake for him. Wait.. I think I have an idea.  *drums fingers together evily*

Everything else is fine.  The weather today is dreary, raining off and on.  Spring and summer - a state of perpetual hair frizziness.  #welcometotheNetherlands

The 4th saw Dodenherdenking (or Remembrance Day) and the 5th saw us with Bevrijdingsdag (or Liberation Day).  We went to a big party in a biiiiiiig park (think the entire square footage of Guelph University campus) where there were multiple music acts and stuff going on. I took a couple pics and can try to post sometime.  The crowds were so much we had to leave, I just coudn't do it anymore.   

Mother's Day on Sunday and we're heading with W's parents to Kruidhof. It's a botanical garden place (all outdoors, I believe) one town over.  I've never been but it seems pretty.  If you click the link and scroll down there's a video (you won't understand it but it's nice to watch) and there's a tab at the top to select English, though you don't get the whole site, just a condensed synopsis.  I believe if you run a foreign language page through Chrome it'll interpret it for you.

I'm already planning my one-year party - July 4th, except we're going to hold it on Sunday the 6th in the afternoon.  I will be sending out an email soon asking people to reserve the date.

Well, I have a lot of language I want to practice today before choir, so I better get moving.  Almost the end of the week.  Hope it's been good to you!

I Need to Vent

K.. you have to understand I'm stressed out.  This is common knowledge, right?  Not only on top of that, but I'm now trying to organize a get-together that no one else was willing to hold for me, in lieu of said stress.  I CAN'T ORGANIZE PARTIES RIGHT NOW, but you know what, it seems like I have to.

I posted said get-together on Facebook as an event and listed it as Open House style - you come when you're able to come.  This is not a chance for me to list something from 7pm onwards and someone say to me, "I can't make it, I'm working that afternoon."  This encourages said person if they can't come in the evening, to stop by and say hi in the morning or early afternoon, or whenever.  Likewise, I have a friend who prefers to come when there's not so many people here, so earlier in the day.

An old co-worker/friend stopped by this morning to drop off a cooler for ice.  She said people are wondering what time to come.  I said, "It's open house style, they can come whenever."  She looked at me with a blank stare wondering wtf I'm talking about.  Now, she's younger than I am by several years, if not close to 10.  Does the concept or term "Open House" only apply to older folk?  Are we the only ones that know what this means?  Or do people not know how to fucking read?  Cause that wouldn't surprise me at all either.  But then another friend of mine posted on the event (who's the same age as me) wondering what time to come.  So I'm starting to think PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING READ.  I get that parties and get-togethers are usually a set time and I get I'm branching OUT FROM THE NORM just so I can fucking see people before I leave.  Sue me.

Seriously?  This is making me want to cry?  THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T ORGANIZE MY OWN PARTY RIGHT NOW.

Sigh.

Post Jazz Festival and Nuit Blanche

Well, it's time to wind down after the weekend... and what a fabulous weekend.  MK visited (a very close friend of mine from back home) and it was nice to spend time together as we only get together once or twice a year.  We had all sorts of amazing food and we hit up the Jazz Festival in town and Nuit Blanche (overnight) - where, if you ask me - are some of the best acts; nestled in a corner of the city in some cafe or yoga studio.  I watched some of these musicians and.. they amaze me.  Take Matt Brubeck, for one (son of jazz legend Dave Brubeck).  The link shows his performance at last year's Jazz Fest and I was among the crowd; great quality video showing his improvisation and a very cool, very industrial-looking cello :)  A typical eccentric artist by appearance (black hair, black clothes, black runners with hot pink accents), his hand naturally curls and rests around the neck of the cello and it's always there; almost like it's an extension of who he is.  Except, it's more than that.  It's not an extension, it's literally a part of him.  Not a half; a whole, almost as if they've melded into one being.  This isn't simply a hobby or an interest or a career, this is who he is.  I guess he lived out in San Francisco for some time, but he's living in the Toronto area again?  Anyways, if you're in either city/area and you have the chance to see him, please try to get out.

Another act we caught is Gordon Grdina; played Arabic music with a Turkish guitar (the link is horrible quality but shows you the type of music he does which was very enjoyable in an intimate setting).  I might check for one of his CD's.  It was mostly a solo performance, not the group you see, though there was also a couple guys there with the odd accompaniment of voice and/or percussion.

Anyways.. enough about that.  I'm tired now.  We made it until after 3am last night and were in bed for 04:00, with another busy day.  It's just after 9pm and I'm gonna get ready for bed and maybe relax a bit with a book.

Hope you had as great of a weekend.  The weather has finally changed and it's absolutely perfect.  I will try to get out and enjoy it as much as I can before we have to ... shhh.. hibernate!

Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble

So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr.  Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person.  I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it.  I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders).  Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'.  In my head, they were the same thing.  It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate.  But it doesn't mean it was right.  So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference.  When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to.  It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful.  I was sad.  Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting.  A new relationship dynamic occurs.  So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that.  When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance.  It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation.  At least, until I find a new happy medium :)  (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom?  Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type.  Okay, maybe I just answered my own question.  Crap.)  Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus  (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud)  :)

I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift.  It went really well.  It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off.  Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that.  Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out.  Ha, now I know I'm crazy.

I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry.  Or I should say, my health.  I hate my body.  I'm sorry, but I have to say it.  It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging.  Like, really, really challenging.  I go several hours without eating.  I'm hypoglycemic!  This is not good for a hypoglycemic.  While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is.  Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for.  But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus.  The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job.  So.. I don't know.  I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can.  Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.

The weekend has been good so far.  Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire.  I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space).  But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together).  And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?

The lack of rain this summer has been a concern.  We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day.  I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.

Well, I think I'm done rambling.  I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands.  I wanna get out and have some fun tonight.  Have a beer, let my hair down.

Party on, dude.

The Weekend in the Big City

I thought I would try to write about last weekend before this weekend came up.

Went to Toronto with a friend to see the Roger Waters concert (Roger Waters performing The Wall, Live).  He performed the entire movie/disc.  It..was..FANTASTIC.  Wow.  Just.. wow.  Love.  Him.  He had an actual wall built, which served both as a screen and of course, pertaining to The Wall, symbolism (it was made out of large cardboard, or some sort of paper) and naturally, it came down at the end.  I was so mad at myself; I forgot my phone in the hotel room (stayed at the Delta Chelsea), so I couldn't take any pictures.  My friend did, though, so I'll grab them from her.  The music was fantastic, the sound was fantastic, Roger Waters doesn't sound any different and HE was fantastic.  You can easily see how much of an anarchist he is.  I couldn't say enough about the show.  It's probably fair to say it was close to being sold out.

So on the way out of the show back to the hotel, we stop at the Fairmont Royal York because I have to use the washroom, I wasn't feeling well.  We notice a wedding is going on (er.. the party afterwards).  Keep in mind this is like.. I don't know.. 11 or so at night.  So we walk up to the board outside the room that lists all the invitees, their table numbers, etc.. and what's the first thing we want to do?  Crash the wedding.  Oh yeah.  We look at each other in contemplation.  "If we weren't wearing jeans," I said.  Totally should have.  Would have made for a great story, getting kicked out of a wedding... AT the Royal York.  Pfft.. besides, they'd be half-pissed at that point, who would've noticed?  :P

We walked everywhere that weekend and I calculated we walked over 20km.  No kidding ("No wonder we were tired," she said).  Indeed.  But, we hit up a few places; The Cookbook Store (for me) and I got to visit my 'ol buddy Tom at the army surplus (we used to work together).  I got to show her Queen St. W. Sunday, so we walked there.  We walked down Queen as far as Niagara St (w of Bathurst) and we hit a restaurant, Edulis, that was suggested to me by my (restaurant) boss.  Please, if you're in the area and you can afford to go... go.  It's a really cute place with fantastic people and a fantastic menu (French, Spanish influence).  We walked back via King and hit up MEC; I haven't been in YEARS.  Felt really good to be in again, though we didn't get far as it wasn't my friend's kind of store.  As it was, she rushed me to choose a pack I was looking over (later purchased; so glad).  We wanted to hit up the ROM or AGO, but we were running out of money.  Keep in mind we were in Toronto for 2 full days; that's a lot of eating out.  

All in all it was a good weekend, but it was nice to be home.  I like visiting the city, but I'm usually just as happy to leave.

So.. it's going to heat up today and over the weekend.  I hope you keep cool.  Do you have any Canada Day plans?  I don't have much planned for the weekend at all.  Hit me up.

Oi!  Did all you local yokels know about Market being open for a trial period on Wednesday nights (3-7?).  Not as many vendors, but the essentials are there and it's nice not to have the crowds.

Oh, everything at the restaurant is going well!  It's foreign to work in a place where you're a) well-liked and b) appreciated.  I love the busy-ness, the energy.  Sorry I haven't been updating, but things have been hella busy.  It's an adjustment for me working two jobs, especially when they're at opposite hours.  On a good note?  I've already been offered full-time in the fall :)  There are pros and cons with it and I'm not going to make any rush decisions.  We'll see how the summer goes.

Stay cool, cats.

Party Girl

Well, last night was fun.  A friend of mine was going to a birthday BBQ and asked if I'd want to come, so we went around 5 and stayed until 9 or 10 or so.  I wasn't knowing anyone going in, except for my friend, but while we were sitting out on the patio it occurred to me I'd met met a couple of them before.  So we got talking and they'd also thought I was familiar.  We just couldn't place where we'd seen each other before!  Anyways, my friend and I kicked back a large bottle of wine and I got a bit burnt.  Thankfully I put sunscreen on my arms before we left.  I got burnt (pink, not painful) on my arms, feet, chest and face.  Nothing that's bothering me much today though, thank God.  A bit pink in some spots, but not much.  It was nice to get out, relax and have a few laughs.

Not much planned for today.  Church, then... maybe tidy up at home.  Go through my books and decide on something to bake.  It seems there's a ton of stuff for me to get caught up on.

Happy Sunday.  Hope you're having a great weekend!

P.S - I got no call to be tour guide :(  /cryptic