Lent - 2013

It's pretty late for me but I just got home from choir (had it on a not-usual night) but I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet.  So.. I'm going to sit here and gab to you :)

I started thinking about what to give up for Lent this year, 2 weeks before today.  I couldn't think of nuthin'.  Every year I give up swearing.  Every year I fail (though I still make an honest attempt).  Okay, 'honest' is subjective; I already broke it 5 times today :/  ..but that's how it goes every year, so don't judge! :)  I will try again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And...

When W. and I were talking about it, I asked him if anything came to him for ideas.  "Draw every day," he said.  I sat and pondered it.  If you're not artistic, you're going to think it's a pretty random suggestion.  You might think, "What the heck does drawing have to do with anything??"  S'ok, I'm not going to judge if you thought that; I almost did there for a second, too.  It's not that easy, my friends.  To draw.. *every* day.. is a challenge in itself, but since he's also artistic (very much so; I wish I could show you his work) he knew why he was asking me to take it up.  I'm not sure I can describe it best, and I'm sure others will have more elaborate and articulate descriptions, but you can get a lot done in your head when you sit to draw, at least for me.  You can zone out, you can think about nothing, you can think about everything (kind of the same effect when I bake).  Sometimes you even battle demons.  Sometimes you want to *avoid* any type of artistry because of said demons.  And sometimes you want to welcome it in for the very same reason.  It's usually always emotional.  You can lose yourself, you can find yourself.  There are a hundred reasons why one would want to apply some sort of artistry.  My job is to figure out how to apply it to Lent... perhaps how I'll deal with my frustrations (I'm a perfectionist, in case some lonely sole on this planet couldn't tell already) and where I'll turn that energy and how I'll deal with it.  I think he knows I need to do this; I've been pretty stressed lately and he's seen the full effects.  So what the hey, I'll give it a shot. I have yet to do any today and it's already almost 10:30.  Ugh.

I also might be moving before I move.  I've decided it's best to downsize; it's the only way it'll help me save money for the move.  I can't cut anymore expenses and in fact I've gained some, so I don't have much of a choice.  I was hoping to dip into my pension from the hospital when I leave, but it looks that that's untouchable (by law).  So.. some major saving needs to happen.  I've looked at a place already and it's perfect for what I need.  Also, the other girl that lives there (a student from the university) and I got along pretty good.  There was a lot of 'signs' and things being 'just so'.  Being from the same hometown and likewise half Dutch didn't hurt things, either ;)  I haven't committed yet, but I'm getting pretty close.  So that's my big news for now.  I was going to keep it a surprise, but what the hell (6) heck.  I feel pretty good about it.

I can't think of anything else to tell you right now and it's past my bedtime anyways.  Meeting my tutor in the morning so I best get rested for a good start to the day.

Hope everyone is well.  Please get in touch if we haven't spoken in a while.  It's time we have a talk :)

I'm Baaaaack...

Well, I'd originally sat down to write but I got caught up in Pinterest and, well, 45 min later.. here I am.  Gah, it's such a fabulous time-waster.  So. Many. Pretty. Things.  I was pinning all things steampunk (which finally gives a name to a secret fetish I've had for all things of said decor, jewelry, art, artifacts, etc).  Victorian meets future, meets sci-fi, meets industrial, meets western; how awesome is that?  No, my question to you should be, how can you NOT like it?

Gah!  I just got sidetracked again!  Another 15 minutes lost.  Good heavens.  My coffee's gone, I haven't even had breakfast yet, my back and butt are sore from sitting here... and I haven't even started to write what I wanted to write to you about, yet!!  *takes you by the shoulders and shakes you* THE STEAMPUNK OBSESSION MUST STOP!!  Okay, maybe not stop, but put on a brief pause.

... *pauses* ...  *makes pancakes in honour of Pancake Tuesday*...

.. *comes back to answer email, gets sidetracked AGAIN*... *forces self back to kitchen*...

I had some pancakes.  I got up to get something and this happened...

He totally took over my chair!  Silly Babu.

So.. today is Shrove/Pancake Tuesday; the Tuesday proceeding Ash Wednesday, the mark on the calendar when Christians begin to acknowledge Jesus' death (who rises on Easter as Christ) and the beginning of Lent.  I'd been thinking and thinking of what I want to give up for Lent this year and having a difficult time of it.  I'm giving up my usual 'no swearing' crusade (a feat often attempted but never successful), but I always give up something else in addition to that.  But.. this morning I felt different, thanks to a conversation from a friend last night (thanks MK).  Something occurred to me.  You know what?  No.  Hell no.  I've suffered enough the past year, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not going to do anymore than I need to for the next little while.  So you know what?  I'm going to take the alternative; I'm going to add something.  Thing is, I'm not quite sure what yet.  Prayer (meal time? bedtime? morning?)?  Volunteering of time?  No, I'm not ready to expend that energy yet.  Maybe there are other sorts of forms of charity; RM, you're good with this, what do you suggest?  I'll take suggestions from anyone.  Maybe something food-related.  If it keeps me in the kitchen, I'm happy; it's good therapy for me.  Maybe baking for friends, based on their food preferences/wishes/health issues.  Hmm.. that's not a bad idea.  I just baked up my third batch of GF brownies and people are amazed; I've proven (well, thanks to the author) that GF doesn't have to be boring  and I LOVE this.  Okay - so if you would like baked-goods (or non-baked goods.. could be meals), sign up below.  I will deliver! (if you're local, post mail if you're not.)  Okay, so I've picked up an act of charity for Lent.  There you go.

I've been learning more Italian on the side.  It's going very well.  I'm learning basic words pertaining to what I can use at work/in a restaurant (plate, dish, glass, cutlery, etc, etc) and shocker - I'm retaining them!  Mostly.

I'm reading Carl Jung's essay (in small book form) on Synchronicity.  It's fantastic.  I hope to give excerpts on it later.

I'm feeling a bit better today.  A bit lighter.  A little bit... released.  That's what happens when you finally shed 160lbs.  /cryptic

*looks out the window*  Dude, where'd this snow come from?  This is a funny winter.

Alright, I gotta have some attempt at lunch and get to an appointment.  Hope y'all are having a good day.

Crazy Idea?

So today I got feedback about the Meyers Briggs test I did a couple weeks ago through work.  Turns out I'm an INFP.  Wasn't much to my surprise and all the explanations for the dichotomies were pretty right on.  In fact, I(ntroversion) and P(erceiving) had slight variances (aka. were on the border.  I'm highly adaptable to both, but have a preference to what's listed here), where (i)N(tuition) and F(eeling) were more moderate/pronounced.  We had a great conversation and we talked about how these traits carry me through work, rather feeding me energy or draining me.  I listed particular activities about the job that did either of those; it was easy to point out.  I was also curious how my attributes could be applied to another job and what sort of job would suit me better vs. what I'm currently doing, for example.  She said my eyes lit up when I spoke about this one job I'd contemplated applying for, only I didn't.

Food Service in a Hospice.

Crazy?  Not for me.  I've always wanted to work in Hospice or Palliative Care, ever since I was young and started volunteering in hospitals (back when I was 14; my friend MK and I started out fresh as Candy Stripers (yes, one 'p', thankyouverymuch :P) at the local hospital).  She actually continued a career in nursing and I in and out of hospitals, nursing homes and/or food.  I've always very much believed in and felt passionate about what I do at the hospital - giving the ONE thing that people can't live without - food.  It's sustaining, nourishing, healing.  I forget the importance of what I do, sometimes, getting too caught up in .. crap.  But what a service!

And whenever I heard, say, someone being on death row, it was natural for me that the first thing I would think of is, "Fine, but what kind of last meal are they getting?"

Sure, I thought I wanted to run a restaurant.  I wanted to reach people through food.  Communicate it's wholesomeness, warmth, comfort, sustenance.  Nourish them.  But how much better would it be if I gave that gift to someone who only had limited time to live?  And not only them, but their immediate family who visit them (that at times, can be daily - and that in itself is draining).

I could run a kitchen in a Hospice/Palliative Care setting.  I have the certification now (for institutional service).  I have tons of food service experience, in and out of institutions.  I have the passion, the care and the desire.  I would decide available meals (and they'd all be *fantastic* of course).  So why the hell DON'T I go for it?

To be continued......

:)

I Have A Dream....

Where do I start...

I'll begin by saying Sunday was great; Mass was good (though we botched one of the songs in choir.. ugh) and had a few laughs thanks to another choir member, then I met with my brother's girlfriend and I took us out for breakfast and I drove back home with her so I could visit with my parents.  I've had an idea brewing the past few weeks and I needed to talk with them for their help and support.

I'll skip the semantics (and long story) about how the idea came into play, but the long and the short of it is that I'd like to open my own little restaurant here in town.  When the idea occurred to me, it just felt *right*.  A series of successive events unfolded to show me, what I believed to be a sign, of how things are/were going to go for this new path for me.  To preface this, my parents are opening their second restaurant at the end of April.  My idea was to come work for them - learn the business, receive proper and adequate coaching on managing, business operations etc so I would be prepped in a year/year & a half to open my own.  I was SO excited about this new idea, I was ready to burst.  It was hard for me not to discuss it with anyone (I only broached it with a few close friends for immediate feedback).  The discussion has be had, so I can be open about it with the rest of the universe.

The idea in itself is foolproof and genius - what better way to learn the business but from the comfort and direction of family.  Unfortunately, reality kicks in.  Biggest obstacle: I don't have a car (their town is about a 20 min drive away) and to work the two jobs (I wouldn't drop the hospital) would be impossible without one.  So I've been asking the universe to bring me a car.  Though if God planted this 'wonderful' idea in my head, it's a wonder why He doesn't help me out a bit more (what? you mean I have to WORK for my dream? pish posh :P) <-- me being facetious.  My bubble has burst a little bit, though I suppose it was expected.  When we had the talk they asked a lot of questions - which I answered well (they might be my parents, but you could also think of it as a basic business meeting/interview.  They're tough but their intentions are good; they just want to make sure I've thought everything through) because I had conviction in my idea.  Downfall: they already have their staff (which I'd feared) and they have to watch their money (with the initial start-up), so they can't just hire me right away, even though I'm family. Not that I would expect them to!  But I don't want you to think that just because we're family, I'll get special treatment, per se.  Business comes first, right?  As how I would run my own.

So.... it's not happening as easily (ha! silly me) or as quickly as I'd have preferred. But I'm going to try not to get down.  When I told any immediate friends, they were *very* supportive and could see this is something that would fit well for me.  So... I have to keep testing those convictions.  F. suggested I go work in a kitchen close to home (there are a lot within a short walking distance) and get my bearings.  I could do that, work in a different kitchen setting but now in the context of what I plan to achieve instead of just working for something I enjoy (or used to) or am doing to 'pass the time'... if that makes any sense. Is that something I want to do?  Take up a second job?  Do I want to work in a kitchen, even if it means starting with doing dishes?  Am I ready to branch off from my security net? The last time I had a huge dream, it crumbled (and I'm not talking a couple buildings, but a massive earthquake).  I'm scared to trust; I'll just come out and say it.  I'm scared to trust The Path, I'm scared to trust The Process, I'm scared to trust myself and I'm scared to trust Him.

I wanted to acknowledge those fears, but it doesn't mean I won't go after my dream.  Watch out world, there might be a new restaurateur in town.

Does It Ever End?

AAAARRRGHHHH!!!!!!

I want to cry.  Maybe even scream a little.

I hate life today.  Am I allowed?  It's only temporary.

Read that when I say I hate life, it means I hate me.

I'm mad at myself.  Yes I'm being too hard on myself.  Yes I need to be more gentle with myself and practice all the things I preach.  Yes I'm finding fault in being human - the exact opposite of what I believe in.  I'm going to talk some things out as I work them out in my head.

I have problems letting go of things (I know some of you that know me well are saying to yourselves, "Really Jody?  REALLY?  Well.. duh.").  I'm trying not to make a rhetorical statement.  And yes, before you comment further, I know this is a common human fault that everyone is guilty of.  I just hate today that I can get so wrapped up and lost in things.  I hate even more that I do it so easily.  It's stupid because I know this is who I am (or is it? Does it define me?).  I've come to terms the past year that I'm a very passionate person and not everyone... appreciates (or lets be honest, really.. knows how to handle) this character trait.  So do I have to conform?  Or does someone else need to conform to me?  Is it even about conformity at all?

I hate that I'm on this fucking holiday emotional roller coaster again.  Two days ago I was happy.  I was so happy and I had an inner peace that not even the explosion of the Death Star could destruct (random).  But today.... ahh.. to hell with today.  I don't want to go to work.  I just want to stay home, curl up with my cat and get lost in a book.  Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

When we let go, that's when things come to us.  It's when life happens.  When we don't try so hard and finally relax, God (or the universe, interpret it as you may) brings us what we need.  And it can be anything in any context - a job, love, family.  So how do you relax?  How do you let go of the one thing you want most?  When we focus on not "getting what we want" it amplifies the mood and makes it worse, as if there were such a thing.  Not only that, but for me (and this is strictly for me, I know the thought-process doesn't fit everyone) it distances me from God and what I hold sacred and trust most.  When I realize that it makes me sad.

It can be done but it's not easy.  In fact, I think I've proved with myself it's one of the most difficult things in the world.  I know I've written about this before and I apologize because I'm sure I'll probably write about it again.

Well, I'm going to take my sorry ass off the computer and grab some lunch.  I'm going to chalk my mood today to the weather (it's dreary and raining out) and PMS.  Anyone got a hug?

Cerebralectomy

I've done a lot of internalizing this weekend.  Mostly all today.  Even though I was in very social surroundings, I was very quiet, very much "in my head".  I've been anxious since yesterday without any particular reason.  I am going to speak of random things without much order or sense.

Have you ever been out and seen who you thought.. you were *sure*.. was someone you knew, only it wasn't?  You saw their 'twin'.  Perhaps their... doppelganger, if you will.  I still remember the day I thought I saw a public school friend of mine at a park event; this was years ago and I still remember it.  Wasn't sure if it was her at first and I literally almost had to stare at this person and follow them to make sure if it was/wasn't her.  It wasn't.  But, she was important to me and it shook me up a little.  My sister says she thought she saw me once, as her masseur (listen, if I was doing that job, I would be better off than I am now).  I was told by someone today they 'saw' me.  What is it that draws people from our past to us in the present?  Why does it shake us up?  Does it mean anything?  Was it coincidence?  If everything happens for a reason, what was the reason for that?  Why do I seek answers to things that have no answer?

I fear I'm not important to anyone.  I'm no one's priority (Babu doesn't count - he's dependent..heh).  I don't even mean to imply that I have to 'belong' to someone or be someone's significant other.  Even though I have someone(s) it doesn't mean I feel any more a part of something.. or of someone.  I even mean to friends; no one's finding time to communicate with me like they used to.  Is it something I've done?  Do I need to change who I am?  I'm just feeling very alone regardless of who or what's in my life right now.  Yes, it may be irrational, but it's there.

I have been feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin lately.  I don't care for this.

Random: Compliance.  Ending?

I watched American's Extreme Home Makeover and it made me wonder if there's not something I can do for the better.  Who can I help?  What can I do to make the world a better place?  Yeah, it brought out the warm-fuzzies.  I hate that show for that.  Sometimes I just want to keep them locked in.  It's easier.

I came across someone today for a repeated time that I feel drawn to.  I don't know what draws me to this person and for the simple fact we don't even know each other that well; sort of by.. association.  At first I thought it was an attraction, but the more I examined it, the more I realized I think the universe is prompting me to get to know this person.  But how?  How do I get to know someone when we never talk, never even really have a chance of talking, never associate with each other outside of a few times a year of chance gatherings??  Am I being vague enough for you?

That's about all I have to say today.  Sorry it's not more positive.  It's not written from a 'self pity' sort of angle, I'm just calling it like I see it (read: how I feel it).  I'm going to continue to be quiet until I get more studying done, so I apologize for some continued random absence.  Medical Terminology is kicking me in the arse (learning latin, biology and new terms all in one shot will do that to ya).  And I have yet to write about last weekends Jazz Festival and Nuit Blanche (SO much fun); I even took pictures!

Happy Monday everyone - I hope the week starts off fabulous for you :)

Edit: Forgot to add something.

Tonight You Get A Piece Of Me

There's been a bit of a surreal feeling lately.  The common word for the past 2-3 days is 'synchronicity' (look, I'm even giving it its own label).  And every time I spell the word it gets underlined in red and the web is telling me it's not a real word.  Too bad.  It's fitting so I'm going to use it. I had lunch with a girlfriend a couple days ago (we've known each other since high school, but haven't seen each other since then) and we talked about how well her life is going and how everything's fallen into place; that there was a sort of.. synchronicity.. in the universe.  When she moved to another city for a job, there were random, though similar events (sorry, sounds odd and vague but I don't want to give away details to her life) that lead her to where she is now. Then the 'synchronicity' topic got pulled into conversation when I met someone for coffee last night; a series of random, yet similar events that lead to... how things should be (for lack of better terms).  Or perhaps, that things are going along as they should.  Does any of this make sense?  I hope so.  I'm not sure how else to describe it.  I just... can't wrap my head around all this.  It's like two worlds colliding.  Or is it meshing?

Random fact and question for the day: is it possible to meet with someone for coffee (someone you're meeting for the first time) and come home and realize there's something missing in your life?  That this person 'pulled' that feeling from you?  I can't articulate what this feeling is.  I can identify it's emotional.  I was just talking about it with a friend and I described it as, "... like something familiar was taken away from you and then there's that void".  Whatever that *void* is.  Even talking about it now I can feel it.  It's in my solar plexus.  I know what I've felt there before and it makes me leery.  I had a feeling this person was going to be significant but I wasn't sure how.

On a separate side note, a friend texted me they were having not only a bad day, but a bad week.  My reply was brief, although sympathetic.  It wasn't enough of what this person needed and I got a little yelled at (don't worry, I didn't take it personally; we're cool with each other like that).  Apparently they needed to talk and I didn't fill that need right away for them.  I've been called on this before.  Listen, I can't effing read minds.  If you need to talk, tell me.  Having said that, perhaps I should have inquired more.  I don't know.  I was in the middle of a movie (an emotional one for me) and my mind was somewhere else (trying to escape from my own day).

It's been a weird day and I'm spent.  'Night.