Lent - 2013

It's pretty late for me but I just got home from choir (had it on a not-usual night) but I'm not quite ready to go to bed yet.  So.. I'm going to sit here and gab to you :)

I started thinking about what to give up for Lent this year, 2 weeks before today.  I couldn't think of nuthin'.  Every year I give up swearing.  Every year I fail (though I still make an honest attempt).  Okay, 'honest' is subjective; I already broke it 5 times today :/  ..but that's how it goes every year, so don't judge! :)  I will try again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And...

When W. and I were talking about it, I asked him if anything came to him for ideas.  "Draw every day," he said.  I sat and pondered it.  If you're not artistic, you're going to think it's a pretty random suggestion.  You might think, "What the heck does drawing have to do with anything??"  S'ok, I'm not going to judge if you thought that; I almost did there for a second, too.  It's not that easy, my friends.  To draw.. *every* day.. is a challenge in itself, but since he's also artistic (very much so; I wish I could show you his work) he knew why he was asking me to take it up.  I'm not sure I can describe it best, and I'm sure others will have more elaborate and articulate descriptions, but you can get a lot done in your head when you sit to draw, at least for me.  You can zone out, you can think about nothing, you can think about everything (kind of the same effect when I bake).  Sometimes you even battle demons.  Sometimes you want to *avoid* any type of artistry because of said demons.  And sometimes you want to welcome it in for the very same reason.  It's usually always emotional.  You can lose yourself, you can find yourself.  There are a hundred reasons why one would want to apply some sort of artistry.  My job is to figure out how to apply it to Lent... perhaps how I'll deal with my frustrations (I'm a perfectionist, in case some lonely sole on this planet couldn't tell already) and where I'll turn that energy and how I'll deal with it.  I think he knows I need to do this; I've been pretty stressed lately and he's seen the full effects.  So what the hey, I'll give it a shot. I have yet to do any today and it's already almost 10:30.  Ugh.

I also might be moving before I move.  I've decided it's best to downsize; it's the only way it'll help me save money for the move.  I can't cut anymore expenses and in fact I've gained some, so I don't have much of a choice.  I was hoping to dip into my pension from the hospital when I leave, but it looks that that's untouchable (by law).  So.. some major saving needs to happen.  I've looked at a place already and it's perfect for what I need.  Also, the other girl that lives there (a student from the university) and I got along pretty good.  There was a lot of 'signs' and things being 'just so'.  Being from the same hometown and likewise half Dutch didn't hurt things, either ;)  I haven't committed yet, but I'm getting pretty close.  So that's my big news for now.  I was going to keep it a surprise, but what the hell (6) heck.  I feel pretty good about it.

I can't think of anything else to tell you right now and it's past my bedtime anyways.  Meeting my tutor in the morning so I best get rested for a good start to the day.

Hope everyone is well.  Please get in touch if we haven't spoken in a while.  It's time we have a talk :)

Not What I Thought...

Well, if you're partial to my Facebook status this week, you know (or maybe you don't) that my gramma passed away.  I was planning on sitting down and writing to you about her, but I just can't get my thoughts straightened out yet to tell you.  It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not as ready as I thought.  I hope to soon though, because you should know how awesome she was :)

This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15.  I have no interest in rushing the grieving process.  I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on.  I don't want life to go on.  I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone.  I don't want her to be a memory.  I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move.  I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it.  Not yet.

I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt.  So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :)  A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to."  "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to."  Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they?  The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable.  Who else does that?  Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.

And this is where I get stuck.  I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again.  I'm not ready.  Talking about her will have to wait.

Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by.  He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed.  I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg.  W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death.  I can't say how special he is.

I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week?  I sold out.. completely.  All gluten-free items!  It was fantastic.  A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation.  I had repeat customers, and new ones.  I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies.  I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.

Today I had a day just for myself.  I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time.  It was perfect.

Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W.  Cross your fingers.  I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.

I think I'll call it a night.  I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)
Goedenacht.

Farmer's Market to... Pastry Chef?

Well, I'm happy to report today was a success.

....At least, as far as successes go.  I count anything as a profit a success, so by my standards, I wasn't asking much.  Whatever I made I considered a bonus; I'm doing what I enjoy.  Now, I was anxious as hell for getting my baking out in the public for the first time, I'm not gonna lie.  You know when things just sort of...roll in succession and happen naturally and fall into place?  That's what this was.  It was suggested I put in a table, I automatically made business cards without thinking much about it and baked my ass off for 3 days.  I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about things or deliberating if this is what I should do.

Now, having said that, I know what I would do differently next time.  I need to get on the ball more and I'd make a few changes.. but that's a learned experience and all hindsight now.  I'm making notes for next time (I need a designated notebook!).

The weather was.. tolerable.  It was drizzly today and damp - so the girls and I were a bit chilled to the bone.  I should have a bath tonight; that's a sure remedy.

There were 2 girls at a table next to me who took care of the produce (there was a lot!) and they were super nice.  In fact, one of them is a manager at a boutique grocer down the street and suggested I look into getting my product in there (did I just hear myself say someone wanted me to sell my stuff in a store.. professionally?).  I'll keep her as a contact.  Also, the manager for the cafeteria in the hospital would like to sell my items at Christmas (wow!), but we're not sure if that's feasible yet.  I'm not a registered business for all this so it poses problems - but not impossible ones.

I sit back and look at my life as it stands and... I'm so happy and so thankful.  You and I know I've wanted things to turn around for a long time now.  And if you really know about things, you know I worked hard for this and it's about damn time.  I don't feel bad saying I deserve this (something I never would have been able to say in the past; I was a different person then).

How do I feel now besides happy?  Tired as hell.  I'm exhausted.  I can barely keep my head upright.  Baking over a hot oven for 3 days and socializing for one & trying to make an adequate impression and future contacts, takes a lot out of a girl.  And apparently I'm doing this again in November!?!

Well, I'm going to take a night for myself and get to bed early (back to reality - work!).  I can't leave without saying thanks to you for all your support.  And you know I can't leave without thanking the Big Guy upstairs.  Last but never least, W.; I hate to sound cliche but my rock and my strength.  Without your love and support (and endless patience for my craziness; God love you) I wouldn't have had the strength for today.  You are my life.

It's Heeeeere... (Farmer's Market)

Hey folks.  Sorry I've been AWOL; life is changing pace and I'm doing my best to keep up.  My attention these days lies elsewhere (the new love is treating me very well, btw; I couldn't be happier!) and I'm doing my best to balance everything.

Well, that time went by fast, didn't it?  This coming Wednesday is the Farmer's Market we're holding at work.  Turns out there's not many of us, only 3 or so tables (but they're very large tables) and I was not quite volentold.. but.. coerced into putting my baking for sale (it turns out it didn't need much arm twisting).  I decided to go for it and put any sales towards my Europe Fund, as stated.  What the hell, right?

Well, it's caused me a bit of stress.  First I messed up the days and got that wrong, so it took 2 days off of planning that out (same questions as before; what will I make?  Will I have enough variety?  Will I produce enough?)... and ever since last night, I've been baking when I'm not at work.  Thankfully I have tomorrow off, so I will finish it all up then.  Oh right, and I'm entering my French baking and gluten-free baking as previously decided.  I've never put my baking out in public before, so I'm very anxious.  It's one thing to please friends, it's another to please a stranger.  But.. we'll see what happens.  Think positive!

Well, I'm going to keep this short cause um... time is money.  I need to clean up between cookies in the oven and I might even refrigerate some dough and do the rest in the morning.  I'll keep you posted!

Farmers Market?

In the beginning of October the gentleman (executive chef) who runs the cafeteria adjacent to our kitchen at work is hosting a Farmers Market for the hospital.  One has the option of getting a table ($20 fee, payable to ...something or other; some department or fund).  He suggested I do some baking and get a table and earn a few bucks.  

It's a nice idea and the income (post costs) would go towards what will now be called my Europe Fund.  I'm asking myself a lot of questions; what would I bake?  How can I keep costs low and income high?  Do I have the time and/or energy for this?  How do I decide prices?  Low enough to entice purchase but high enough to generate income.  

What are your thoughts?  What else should I be asking myself?  What would you do?  

I would definitely do some French Baking, and especially some Gluten Free stuff.  I'd rather not bake ahead too much and freeze, as it compromises the taste of the final product, though I might not have a choice.  I'm not going to do pies and stuff like that; they're too common.  Mind you, I might sell slices (or whole?) of something like my Raspberry Almond Clafoutis, Blackberry Butter Cake, Tart au Citron, things like that.  Cookies, maybe, but that might go under the GF category.  

I have to be careful because October will be here before I know it, so I'd have to decide fast.  Don't be afraid to throw any thoughts or ideas my way!  Thanks!