Lent FAIL

Just... fuck.

A friend came in from out of town and we went for our sushi.  We placed our first order; she got teryaki chicken and a couple handrolls and I got my first two handrolls.  She grabs some pieces of chicken and said I could have some.  I had my rolls, looked at the chicken, grabbed a couple.  Ate one.  Yum.  Ate two - and mid-bite I stopped, gasped, threw my hand up to my mouth and froze.

I failed.  My heart sunk.

Apparently my head wasn't with me today; I'm still used to the thinking of eating meat.  To my credit, since I didn't seem to be with it today, I also accidentally poured soy sauce into my green tea mug *blank stare*  Well, we had a few laughs about it at the time.. it was pretty funny.  I don't know what's going on with me.

There's a caveat: Sundays is a time of.. of... is there a name for it?  A day when you can have one of the things you've given up for Lent.  I never intended to use Sundays as a 'freebie'.. but I will have to get over today and just use my 'Sunday' today.  Makes sense, yes?

That's all.  Better luck next time.

Something Funny Is Happening

When I got sick last Sat. night, I wasn't *too* alarmed; obviously something I ate disturbed my insides.  It's nothing new (though I haven't reached that level of being sick in quite some time - I had to call in to work the next day. I also checked the ingredient list and nothing posed as any red flags).  But things haven't been the same since.  I still can't eat very much at one sitting and sometimes when I do I get pain in my abdominals.  I've had this before, but I can't remember why; I don't think my doctors and I could deduce anything from it at the time.  The funny thing is, even though I'm not eating much, my sugar hasn't severely dropped or have been having many bad spells.  When I feel I need to eat, I have a bite of something, or snack on a few nuts... and that'll do me.  It's like.. I'm changing.  I'd rather not be changing with pain, but whatever.  I wasn't able to make it to Mass this morning, which upset me a bit.  I was out the door and at the bottom of the stairs (I was quite defiant on going, despite the pain I was having) before I realized I wouldn't be able to go.  When I went yesterday at the 12:10 Mass, there were all these.. old people.  Heavens, there's more younger people at the 07:30 Mass than there is at noon.  Don't old people get up at like, the crack of stupid?  I didn't get it.  I was the minority - I felt so weird! Lord knows what we'll do when all the old people die in our church - they make up 3/4's of the congregation!

No-meat Lent is going well...until I sat across from a co-worker yesterday who was eating a burger.  Red.  Meat.  *wipes up drool*  I seriously couldn't look at her.  I'm like, "I'm not being rude, I just can't look at your burger".  lol.  The swearing?  Well, I'm making a conscious effort to reduce it, not quite eliminate it completely.

It's dreary here this morning, overcast with rain.  Supposed to clear up this afternoon and I'm looking forward to that as we attempt to reach 7*C.

I have a friend coming in from out of town today and we're going to (all you can eat) sushi.  Heavens, I don't know how I'm going to do "all you can eat" when I'm barely eating.  But, I love my sushi and it's vegetarian, so I'm all over that.

Next week I have some vacation time I'm using up and since I can't afford to go away, I'm staying home.  I have a TON of stuff to get done around the apartment, though.  Papers to file, old papers to shred, more things to get rid of (maybe) and perhaps some good old fashioned spring cleaning.  I can't tell you the last time I really got in and washed my windows, never mind my floor (don't judge - it's one of my least favourite tasks, but the OCD in me is starting to get a little twitchy).  I'll be doing some accounting and trying to figure out some numbers about my brothers car/leasing a car.

Babu's curled up on the ottoman, snoozing away.  I have some classical music playing and we're just vegging out.  I think I'll go tackle some dishes.

I'm Not AWOL

Hello!

I feel it's been forever since I've written.  I was afraid the internets wasn't out there anymore. So much has been going on...

Where do I start?  Well, lets start with the idea I had about this whole restaurant business.  It's still a current passion, though achieving it is no less an easy task.  It seems to be going at a minuscule rate.  I think I realize by my parents not saying anything to my request, are essentially saying no.  Why?  I'm not too sure yet and I'll broach that when the time is right.  On the upside, my brother is willing to sell me his car.  Bonus.  It's affordable, it might need some work, though, which I'm calculating.  I've applied to a bakery/cafe down the street, so I'm hoping for a second job - in the industry.  Having a car will help me get from A to B quicker than on feet.  The only downside of this car (to me), is that it's manual.  Ugh.  My city is so hilly that having a standard proves challenging (though not impossible, of course).  I've driven one before, but on back roads and parking lots; not on city streets (eek!).  But, it's a cool car so I'd be crazy not to take it.  As a side note, I've also been comparing leasing a new car - where repairs won't cost anything, as they would with an older vehicle.  But, the monthly payment would be higher than what I'd have to pay my brother (plus insurance, etc).  If I have a second job, I'm not at all worried about numbers, but I can't guarantee on that yet - unless miracles happen - fast.  So do I lease (new or used), which would cost me more a month but less in repairs, or buy my brothers which would cost less a month but possibly more in repairs?  I'm only looking at these two options (for various reasons that I won't go into at this point).

I have to write a separate paragraph for calling for insurance.. cause.. it was that special.  And when I say special, I mean frustrating.  I got asked like, 20 personal questions.  "You need this information for a quote?" I said.  Apparently.  I was on that bloody phone for almost half an hour (she was slow).  Do I want /something/ coverage for $1,000,000 or $2,000,000?  Do I want a $500 deductible?  $1000?  Do I want Accidental Forgiveness?  Theft coverage? Plus a whole new gamut of terms I'd never heard of or understand to a common degree.  Gah!  I don't know what all of this means!  And I don't even think 10 of me equals close to $1,000,000 - so I don't know what that's about.  And how do I know if I want the 500 or 1000 deductible on whatever option?  It was enough to drive me already-crazy.  So many new things to learn.

Babu is shedding like a mad fiend.

Anyways, with the restaurant idea, I'll willing to accept that life may take me in another direction.  I hope not; it's something I'd really like to do.  But things change.  Life changes.  I know what I *want* to do, but however that is executed may remain fluid.

Lent.  Vegetarianism is going quite well, actually, without much effort.  I'm a bit surprised.  But then, I'm barely a week in.  I'm starting to crave chicken a bit, I won't lie, but I try not to think about it too much.  I've looked in one of my books (The Enlightened Eaters Whole Foods Guide - a must-read. Very informative about nutritional information of food, listed and described at the beginning of the book) and I tagged a few recipes.  Hope to go shopping for them soon.  I'm anxious to try new recipes!  You'll be interested to know that since I've gone meatless, it's changed my approach to food.  I don't eat as much sweets as I did before.  I'm more conscious what I put in my body and try to make sensible choices.  I was, though, struggling a bit with my sugar ('was' because I got severely sick 2 nights ago and haven't had a normal appetite since, so I'm a little off track).  So I'd eat more, like one wants to when their sugar feels low, but then I'm over-eating, even if it's healthy, because I'm filling a ... false void, if you will.  So I don't know how to get around that one.  Oh, and my no-swearing rule for Lent is.. faulty at best.  I just might have to not observe it at work; there's so much frustration there some days I can't help it.

Y'know what I dislike?  What I REALLY dislike?  I mean.. it drives me crazy.  Ron Sexsmith's hair.  I'm not even lying.  I've had to look at it for the past few days on the CBC website (I listen to the online radio) and it's making me mental.  He has so much hair!  And it's a mess!  I just want to... grabs hunks of it and rip it off! Or at least give him a haircut!  Sheesh!   /rant

Very unfortunate what's going on in Japan.  I hope the world community keeps reaching out.

I want to dye my hair.  I dislike the grays coming in.

I'm trying to decide what I want to do (if anything) for my 35th birthday (in April).  35.  Eesh.

I have no men stories.  So sad.

Well, I can't think of anything else I need to write about.  Hope y'all are having a good Monday.  The sun's out here!  A pleasant surprise.  Heard it's supposed to reach 10*C mid-week, so definitely looking forward to that.

Quotes

All the answers you need are buried within you.  For just a moment let go of the anger, fear, guilt, shame and blame.  Focus all of your attention on the center of your being and ask yourself, "What is it I must learn?"  The longer you ask, the more sincere you are to know, the faster your answer will come.
~Iyanla Vanzart

The Last Supper

I can't decide what I want to have for my last-in-a-long-while meat dinner.  I feel like I'm planning my Last Meal.  You know, the last "whatever you want to have so make it a good one because you're in a jail cell and going to die of electric shock" last meal.  I've just made plans with JH and we're heading over to the pub across the street.  They have tons of meat dishes.  I can't wait.

At the same time, I just finished yoga and feel... cleansed (and feel odd stuffing meat into my body; something not so.... pure).  I accomplished the "impossible"; tonight I finally did a shoulder stand.  Something that was so difficult before (we've done this pose 3-4 times in the past and I never completed it) I told my instructor I was hell-bent on doing it and asked her to walk me through it (she's so awesome).  I did it, with minimal to moderate pain on my sacrum (we use a chair as a prop and my sacrum is uber sensitive to the touch). Yay!  I felt accomplished.  Even when I felt pain enough to want to get out of the pose, I just breathed and talked myself through it (similar to life, yes?).

...........................................................................................................

I just came back from the pub.  What an awful time deciding.  Holy cow.  Had french onion soup (beef broth) and OMG was it good.  Just..fantastic.  And chicken fingers.  They were delish, too.  Okay, so I might have to confess gluttony, but I don't care - that meal was worth it.  Oh, and a beer.  All of that and I'm ready to pass out.  I was going to have a bath tonight after that yoga class (I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow) but I can barely stand right now.  It'll be bed time soon.  I was going to write a lot more, but I fear I'm not alert enough to do so.

G'night :)

I Have A Dream....

Where do I start...

I'll begin by saying Sunday was great; Mass was good (though we botched one of the songs in choir.. ugh) and had a few laughs thanks to another choir member, then I met with my brother's girlfriend and I took us out for breakfast and I drove back home with her so I could visit with my parents.  I've had an idea brewing the past few weeks and I needed to talk with them for their help and support.

I'll skip the semantics (and long story) about how the idea came into play, but the long and the short of it is that I'd like to open my own little restaurant here in town.  When the idea occurred to me, it just felt *right*.  A series of successive events unfolded to show me, what I believed to be a sign, of how things are/were going to go for this new path for me.  To preface this, my parents are opening their second restaurant at the end of April.  My idea was to come work for them - learn the business, receive proper and adequate coaching on managing, business operations etc so I would be prepped in a year/year & a half to open my own.  I was SO excited about this new idea, I was ready to burst.  It was hard for me not to discuss it with anyone (I only broached it with a few close friends for immediate feedback).  The discussion has be had, so I can be open about it with the rest of the universe.

The idea in itself is foolproof and genius - what better way to learn the business but from the comfort and direction of family.  Unfortunately, reality kicks in.  Biggest obstacle: I don't have a car (their town is about a 20 min drive away) and to work the two jobs (I wouldn't drop the hospital) would be impossible without one.  So I've been asking the universe to bring me a car.  Though if God planted this 'wonderful' idea in my head, it's a wonder why He doesn't help me out a bit more (what? you mean I have to WORK for my dream? pish posh :P) <-- me being facetious.  My bubble has burst a little bit, though I suppose it was expected.  When we had the talk they asked a lot of questions - which I answered well (they might be my parents, but you could also think of it as a basic business meeting/interview.  They're tough but their intentions are good; they just want to make sure I've thought everything through) because I had conviction in my idea.  Downfall: they already have their staff (which I'd feared) and they have to watch their money (with the initial start-up), so they can't just hire me right away, even though I'm family. Not that I would expect them to!  But I don't want you to think that just because we're family, I'll get special treatment, per se.  Business comes first, right?  As how I would run my own.

So.... it's not happening as easily (ha! silly me) or as quickly as I'd have preferred. But I'm going to try not to get down.  When I told any immediate friends, they were *very* supportive and could see this is something that would fit well for me.  So... I have to keep testing those convictions.  F. suggested I go work in a kitchen close to home (there are a lot within a short walking distance) and get my bearings.  I could do that, work in a different kitchen setting but now in the context of what I plan to achieve instead of just working for something I enjoy (or used to) or am doing to 'pass the time'... if that makes any sense. Is that something I want to do?  Take up a second job?  Do I want to work in a kitchen, even if it means starting with doing dishes?  Am I ready to branch off from my security net? The last time I had a huge dream, it crumbled (and I'm not talking a couple buildings, but a massive earthquake).  I'm scared to trust; I'll just come out and say it.  I'm scared to trust The Path, I'm scared to trust The Process, I'm scared to trust myself and I'm scared to trust Him.

I wanted to acknowledge those fears, but it doesn't mean I won't go after my dream.  Watch out world, there might be a new restaurateur in town.

Quotes

Dare not to limit yourself to only knowing or doing one thing.  Take a chance by putting all you know to use.  Accept all invitations to do a new thing and when you do it, celebrate.  Move toward your wildest dream, take the labels off your mind and step boldly into your greatness.
~ Iyanla Vanzart

Upcoming Lent

Good morning, from an early Saturday!  Slept in a few minutes and was up at 0630 today.  I'm sitting with my oatmeal and it's about 7am.  I'll be heading to market soon to stock up for the next week.  I just can't wait for eggs! :)

Let me preface the rest of this conversation by saying Lent is just around the corner (commencing with Ash Wednesday next week).  Most people are quite familiar, but just in case... it's 40 days, from Ash Wednesday to Easter Monday.  One characteristically gives up something for Lent, to try to bring them closer to God (and if one is astute, uniting their suffering with His), but one can also "take up" something as well; perhaps by including a newer, more positive task they've been meaning to (having a better prayer life, dedicating more time to the needy, or what have you.  It can be anything).

The past 2-3 years I try to give up swearing (with another task I decide for that year).  For 40 days of the year, I try not to be a potty mouth.  Yes it sounds silly and I'm quite sure it is, but when you use expletives as much as I do for a simple stress relief, it gets quite challenging.  But my second task dawned on me in a very instant, dramatic sort of way last night (picture the heavens opening, a light shining down and the choral, "Aaahhhh" being heard) - I'm giving up meat for Lent.  Me.  Meat.  For Lent.  I mean, I have meat like, 3-7 times a week.  As much as I'm in shock over it, it feels right.  Here's why....

a) My health.  I've been curious about going vegetarian for a while now to see how it'll affect my G.I system (and the rest of me, for that fact).

b) I'm dedicating this part of my Lent to T. (my friend/co-worker in CCU who's still not doing well).  She's a big health advocate and I think she'd totally be behind me if I decided to try it.  I will also unite my suffering with hers and all the obstacles she currently faces and will face in the future.

So.. I'm going to need your support (and understanding for the days I come on here and whine about it.. lol).  Though I need to have faith that He will give me the strength I need to be as successful with this as possible.  I usually just observe the no-meat-on-Fridays rule during Lent (and that's hard at times), so this will be a doozy.  Oh no!  What about when I go out for breakfast with friends?!  No eggs and bacon!  :O  Omelette it is......sigh.....

Quotes

Until today, you may have been feeling as if you were about to break down.  Just for today, call forth the strength, courage, wisdom, insight, power and love of the spirit of life.  Ask that you be guided through the next minute, hour or day to a place of peace.
~ Iyanla Vanzart

My Day

I had my H. Pylori breath test today.  CS and I headed to the next city over (after some bumper to bumper traffic in the morning) and approached the hospital with time to spare.  Walking into a department called "Nuclear Medicine" wasn't all that comforting.  Anyways, the people were real nice and my radiologist was cute in an innocent, reminds-me-a-bit-of-my-ex-ex, sort of way.  We weren't there long and we headed off to the mall to kill some time, do some window shopping.  They had a Coach store and I fell absolutely in love with a bag there (okay, 3).  I'm not much of a materialistic person, but I do have good taste (read: expensive) and when I can afford it, I will.  Anyhoo, after we drooled over the bags we had a bite to eat (oh chicken shawarma, how I've missed you) and headed out.

It's been and will continue to be a busy week; test today, shadowing someone at work tomorrow, work Friday, market and breakfast with a friend Saturday morning, work Saturday afternoon/evening, Mass Sunday, coffee with my brother's girlfriend Sunday afternoon.  Phew!

I'm a little down tonight, though.  Realizing I'm no further ahead in some self-work.  Hmm.. I don't know if I'd call it 'self-work', per se.  I'd call it... y'know what?  I'm not going to name it today.  I don't care about formalizing or identifying things.  I'm tired of articulating how I'm no further ahead with certain aspects of myself - and I don't care right now.  I don't care about anything!!

And you know full well when someone says they don't care - that they do.

Fuck.

I hate caring.

And I just received a very blatant sign from the universe, should I decide to take it as one.  And why the hell not. Life has been full of signs lately.

Maybe I'll just go curl up with my Canadian Business magazine instead.  'Night, all.