Dying

Okay, "dying" might be an exaggeration.  I'm pretty damn uncomfortable, though.  I've got a hella high pain tolerance, but not with teeth.  Not at all (Hydra, I know you share my 'pain'..ha, no pun intended).  I might see if I can get it pulled tomorrow; I'm not sure I can last the entire weekend (until a day off).

I hit up Employee Health today and they gave me a couple of T1's through the day.. which made me freakishly dizzy (and nauseous); repeatedly.  That was crazy and I'm not sure I'll use those again.  Who knew.  So I went out with CZ and we ran a few errands, one of which was to talk to a pharmacist and get me some meds.  He suggested alternating between Tylenol and Advil, and I'll do so.  Coincidentally, we also found a homeopathic remedy at the grocery store that I found also worked.. but will try more just in case.  So right now I'm sitting and having a beer and trying to de-stress.

Anyways, that's my whining for today.  I'm gonna go chill before bed, and maybe get to it a bit early.  It's been a long day.

Random

Better night at work than yesterday.
Back tomorrow first thing in the morning.
Bad dizzy spells today (almost fell over!)
Sore tooth; might have to get pulled sooner than later.
Don't know if I'll be able to make it to party tomorrow.
Work all weekend.
It's hot.  I dislike my apartment.  Though not unbearable.
I'm going to bed with my book.

Random

Bleh.  I had a bad day at work (we thought I was cursed) and came home, had a light, quick nap, ran a couple errands, came home, had a small glass of scotch.  You know things aren't good if I'm bringin' out the scotch (not to imply "end of the world" bad, just "I'm irritated and I can't take a single thing more" bad).  If it was "end of the world bad" I'd be kickin' back a lot more than scotch ;)

Chilled out, watched Chasing Amy, which lightened my mood a bit.  Many minor irritations were had before, and I started to have thoughts and flashbacks from last night's conversation with my mother.  I think about it and I get angry.  But my anger goes beyond the phone call.  The anger goes back 20 years and I'm dealing with a lot of inner shit I really don't care to.  The worst thing is the anger won't go away overnight.  It won't be solved with one lightbulb moment...and *that's* what makes me angry.  The past I can separate from; it's wanting it off my coattails, unable to kick it off that the frustration comes in.  It's a lingering ghost that's overstaying his welcome.

Well, it's a good thing it's bedtime.  There will always be time to battle more demons tomorrow.

Can you believe the week is almost over?  Where did it go?

Party Girl

Well, last night was fun.  A friend of mine was going to a birthday BBQ and asked if I'd want to come, so we went around 5 and stayed until 9 or 10 or so.  I wasn't knowing anyone going in, except for my friend, but while we were sitting out on the patio it occurred to me I'd met met a couple of them before.  So we got talking and they'd also thought I was familiar.  We just couldn't place where we'd seen each other before!  Anyways, my friend and I kicked back a large bottle of wine and I got a bit burnt.  Thankfully I put sunscreen on my arms before we left.  I got burnt (pink, not painful) on my arms, feet, chest and face.  Nothing that's bothering me much today though, thank God.  A bit pink in some spots, but not much.  It was nice to get out, relax and have a few laughs.

Not much planned for today.  Church, then... maybe tidy up at home.  Go through my books and decide on something to bake.  It seems there's a ton of stuff for me to get caught up on.

Happy Sunday.  Hope you're having a great weekend!

P.S - I got no call to be tour guide :(  /cryptic

Life And Death

Made it to the funeral this morning; we'll call him E.M.  It was really the first full Catholic Mass funeral I'd been to/participated in (there was one a long time ago but it's a long story and I was still new to the faith).  Where I've been used to funerals being celebrated in dole old funeral homes (I grew up United), ours are celebrated at church.  A fitting place, I think.  I found the Catholic funeral to be.. comprehensive.  I liked it.  A lot more involved, of course, than the funerals I am used to, but not in a burdensome way, just... different.

I'm sure I'd mentioned at some point about my "very good" containment of emotions; at funerals as a child (I went to so many), I never cried.  I'd always saved that for later, if at all, outside public gatherings.  I'd well up, sure, but nothing exagerant.  The last funeral I'd been to, if I remember, was my (maternal) grandma's.  That was quite some time ago.  I remember it a bit.  Don't think I was too emotional for that one, either.  But I cried for E. today.  He was a man that lived the Faith by example and Father coined his words about him perfectly (after reading the Beatitudes, so fitting for E.); what he did, he did in the background.  The Faith was so much about who he was and he involved himself in so many things, helping so many people.  Never needing recognition (although he received it), but because that's what you do - love your fellow man.  He's one of those people you can't say anything bad about; there just wasn't anything bad to say.  He had a good heart.  He was one of the first people I got to know and he was an instrument in encouraging my Faith in the Church (he helped teach my RCIA class) so he was among the handful of special ones for me.  God love him, and may he rest in peace now with our Lord.

It's natural to sit there and think about your own mortality, perhaps giving you a sober look into your current life.  What would they say at my funeral?  Am I living my life the best way I know how?  Am I being a positive contributor? etc, etc.  Surprisingly, I'm satisfied with some (though not all) of my own answers, but there's always room for improvement, right?  That's what growth is all about.

Anyways, enough sadness.  The rest of the day shall be celebrating life.  I may be getting together with friends this evening (hopefully) and I'm looking forward to that.  If not, well, I'll find a way to be productive somehow.

It's the long weekend here and a time to relax.  I hope you're having a great start to the weekend.  Spend it with family, friends.. or maybe you have a garden to tend to?  BBQ's to go to?  In any case, be safe.  And wear sunscreen! :)

Full of Random

I feel like I haven't written in forever.  More importantly, I feel like I have so much to say... I'm just too tired to say it all.  It's one thing to feel physically tired all the time, but mentally?  That's not cool.  Not cool at all.  I'd publish some fleeting thoughts, but I don't even have the energy to sort out what's in my head.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I will leave this fleeting thought...

...Even when I feel the shittiest, I'm shown that people care and I'm important to them.  I hope I can get enough out of my funk to see the effort they're putting forth.

It's been a busy week and I don't want to be around anyone anymore.  Nothing personal, I just need some 'me' time to regroup, and I'm not going to get any for a couple days.  Ba humbug.

I juiced today for the first time.  Love it.  Maybe someday I can invest in a juicer of my own.

Have a funeral Saturday morning to go to.  I'm sad.  This man was from our church and one of the first people I got to know when I converted.  A very sweet man.  He will be missed.

I hope to be playing tour guide this weekend, but I've received no call yet.    /cryptic

Okay, I'm done.  Sorry so random, but I'll try and post more later.  Week's almost over!

Quotes?

Why is it, "When it rains, it pours"?  Why can't it be, "When it rains, it just sort of trickles for a while and then it clears up."?

Sad Face

I shouldn't be writing, I'm not in the greatest of moods.  I've taken quite a beating today, twice to be exact, and I'm about done.

I was flipping through the local paper and in the back where the obituaries are listed, which I'll usually scan because I'll see patient's names.  Today I saw two.  And I cried.  Today marks the first day I cried for one of my patients.  It took almost 4.5 years.  I'm not sure why now; their age struck me most.  They're young, in their 50's and 60's.  My interactions with them were brief, but I'd try to speak to them when delivering their meal all the same, taking a minute or two regardless of my rush, to try to connect.  For their sake more than mine I'd tell myself, but perhaps it's me it has affected more.  Then I start having a hundred questions run thought my head, "Was I enough?" "Did my small interaction help them feel comforted, acknowledged, important?"  "Am I doing enough to be an instrument in His plan?"  Not because I'm looking to feed my pride, but because I wanted their stay and their comfort the best it could be in that situation.  Some days I get frustrated, some days I get 'I-don't-care-ish', and I hope that was never transferred to them.  I do my best to leave my, 'I'm-having-a-shitty-day-and-I-hate-my-job' mentality at the door (before I walk in their room).  They don't need to know I'm unhappy, so on the smile goes.  Anyways, I won't go on; perhaps that was an attempt at self-consolation.

So, I'll be taking it easy tonight.  My new-found Doctor Who fascination will have to wait and I'll watch him tomorrow instead.  Today I'm gonna chill and do some self-care.

Quotes

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
~ Louis B. Smedes

Good Morning, Internets

I thought it would be a good morning for a walk, so off I went.  I think I was out for a good 30-45 min or so (2.5km per my phone app).  I went without a sweater, in just my t-shirt.  It was warm, but there's a dampness to the air that gives that slight cold chill on your arms (easily forgotten once you get walking, of course); an indication that the weather predictions for the day may indeed come true and we'll get a downpour of rain sometime this afternoon.  I walked the neighbourhood and I look at the houses... everyone was partaking in their usual morning routine - taking out the garbage, getting in the car to go to work or maybe run errands, walking the kids to school.  I had a different life set out for myself, you know.  I envisioned myself living in one of these large, turn of the century homes, the husband, the career, the luxury car.  Funny how life happens and you look and suddenly you see you have none of those things.  Okay, maybe some of you do, but I sure as hell don't.  I live in a turn of the century apartment building, no car, not much of a career to speak of and definitely no husband.  To look over the last 20 years since I've had that dream would be moot and unproductive (nor necessary).  Anyways, life happens and priorities change.  Although I still "want" the large Victorian home, the husband, the luxury car, the career.. I don't "need" them to that level.  I need a roof over my head in a home that brings me peace (regardless of it's size and shape), the husband will come when he's the right one, the career is in current order and the car, well, someday :)  I can't *not* feel blessed where life has taken me and exposed me to some of the best friends a girl can have.  Sure, I went down the beaten path, but I have faith it'll all work out and things will come together as they should.  Someday.  I hope.

:P