I Can't Stop Taking Pictures

I leave you this weekend with a few pictures.  These were taken earlier in the week.  Sorry I'm late :)

This is on a corner property on the way home. I couldn't resist.

I made this picture bigger on purpose.  It's a great view of the outside of the footbridge.

This is my futile attempt at taking a picture of a duck - and her ducklings - in the water.  The ducklings were *tiny*, just a couple inches big.  So cute!!  Also saw a pair of Canadian Geese with their...ducking?  Gosling?  What's the proper term?  They were a little further away so I couldn't get them with my amazing (read sarcasm) camera phone.. and all it's 1.4 MP glory.

This is a spot I found down at the river from a path I took.  Doesn't show much, but I thought I'd post it all the same.

Other Musings

I used an interesting new contraption today at physio - the neck collar.  You know those neck things you can buy so your head doesn't get stretched in an uncompromising/uncomfortable position when travelling?  Like that.  And felt.  And inflatable.  It decompresses your spine; so instead of having the habit of being hunched over, say, or some of us keep our head down too much - this raises it so it elongates your spine and takes some of the pressure off.  It was an interesting feeling.  I'm still reeling from the effects and keeping my head up and tall; shoulders down and back.  It's nice.

I was right; my gut was gnawing at me about cute guy and I found out more.  He did in fact lie.  He wasn't interested as I'm "not his type" (he doesn't even know me) and didn't know how to say no.  It's one thing that he tried to spare my feelings, I realize, but he sat and talked to me for an hour and a half - and lied the entire time.  So, ties have been cut.  I now have a zero tolerance for dishonesty.

My course work came today!  And it couldn't have come at a better time (distraction from current goings-on).  I'll dive right in and plan to finish it early.  Now I feel I can take the time to learn, instead of feeling rushed like the last two.  I want to do really, really well with these.  It's the last of it.

Funny anecdote; I got an order the other day for ice cream for a patient.  I noticed they were diabetic and had second thoughts (ice cream and diabetics? Tsk tsk) but I looked at the age of the patient and she was 90.  So really, she can have whatever the hell she wants*; I'm not going to stand in her way.  They didn't tell me what flavour she wanted so I took up one of each - vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.  I walk into the patients room, ice cream in hand and smiled.  She saw the ice cream and her eyes widen.  The conversation went like this...
"What flavour did you want?" I asked.
"Maple walnut!"
... I chuckle.  "That might be asking too much.  What other flavour would you like?"
"Strawberry"
"Done."  *handing her the ice cream*
*lol*  It still makes me laugh.  I love some of our older patients.  I told the nurses; they got a chuckle out of it, too.  Heavens, the other day I was delivering HS** nourishments and one older gentleman was trying to eat his sandwich right through the saran wrap!  I had to run back and undo it for him (he has Alzheimer's. He was going on a couple nights ago about if I would be so kind as to get the police because his car had been stolen. He was going to wait in the office until they came).  Right.  So next time when I delivered his sandwich I said, "Don't eat the plastic this time".  "Okay".

We're having wonderful weather today.  I wish I had a balcony at times like this.  No plans this weekend.  If my stomach shapes up (unlikely, it's been in really bad shape lately) I'd like to go for a walk.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.  I'm sure I'll be writing something at some point...

* Realize I would never give something to a patient that would jeopardize their health.  She hadn't eaten much dinner so I wasn't too worried about her sugar levels.
** H.S Nourishments - stands for 'hour of sleep'. It's a snack diabetics get after dinner and before bed.

I heard my mothers voice today.  I was at the local grocer getting some things for lunch and approached the cash where there was some leftover chocolate from Easter (Cadbury Cream Eggs.. yum) and I almost reached for one when I heard the ever familiar growing up, "You don't need that".

Well, NO, I DON'T need it, but I want it.  That's what filling depression with chocolate is all about.  I'm not sure if at the time it was my mothers way of curbing my weight, decreasing costs or what.. but I was surprised to hear it echo today.  I didn't buy the chocolate.  I did buy other better quality chocolate, though (which was going to be in addition-to anyways) and I'll be enjoying that today.

There are a bunch of things that have me in a low mood today (including going back up to 3 days a week from 2 to physio for the next 2-week push) but I won't talk about them here.

The week's almost over!  Hope it's been good for everyone.

"The Hill"

Todays pictures are of the hill I walk to, to work.  The pictures don't do it justice and they're quite poor to convey, but it'll give you an idea.

This hill is at maybe.. a 45 degree angle.  Quite steep to walk.  What you can't see is there's another hill above that one, as follows...

This one's not as steep; maybe about 35-40 degrees.  A little easier to walk.  But then there is another path of stairs...

Unfortunately I can't make this much bigger or more clear.  There are about 40 stairs here.  After those stairs, I also have to climb up another hill, more steep than the others; I'm guessing about 50 degrees.

Do I have great leg muscles?  Yes :)   The first season I started walking to work, I lost 10lbs right off the bat. Now if I'd just lose more, I'd be all set :)

Ugh....

Is this week over, yet?  Boy oh boy.

Not to say that it's been horrible.  It hasn't.  But I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I've been feeling very out of sorts lately.  I can't find my place in the world.  Not comfortable in my own skin.  Things are changing and I'm almost wondering if I'm trying to shed a new layer of skin - only the outer layer is hard to break through.

Remember cute guy from hospital?  Well... he wasn't entirely lying.  He'd come up to me and asked me mid-shift if everything was okay.  I thought he could tell I was mad at him.  I said yes at first (ha! another lie!), then said no and that we need to talk.  So I called him after my shift, we went and sat in the library and I'd asked him flat out if he lied to me, which was going to be succeeded by a few questions about why he's telling me one thing and people another (easier for him, perhaps?).  After he stated he in fact did not lie, I got distracted because it progressed into a whole conversation about relationships.  He talked about his, then I talked about mine.  What a conversation.  We sat and talked for an hour and a half!  We're a lot alike.  Not just in a similar position with our respective others, but similar in personality, how we approach things, etc.  It was nice to hear, actually.  It was kind of weird telling someone new about everything, but he was very receptive.

Two instances - with cute guy and with Fr. V (I met with this past weekend for counsel) I have been shown that people *are* interested and *do* want to hear what others have to say.  They engage in the conversation, they ask questions, they wait for feedback.  It has not lost my hope on humanity.  In a separate thought, and not at all related, I feel a burden to my friends sometimes when I've got so much shit going on and feel like I'm dragging them down to the bottom of the ocean with me.  I wonder how they put up with me sometimes.  Though when I pray to our good Lord... I say if He's going to make me suffer, then He'd best comfort me along the way.  That's where my friends come in.  What would we do without our friends?  Who would we be?  Very, very different.

I have been fortunate to see that asking out a new guy may not have lead me to a prospective partner, but a new friend.  I have been fortunate to see that there might actually be other men out there with qualities I'm looking for instead of the one I can't let go of.  I have been shown people care.  I learned I have to let go of situations and people I can't control (I know this sounds oh, so rhetorical, and writing it just made me cry, but it's so much harder for me to execute, you understand), to let go of things in life that are bigger than me, to stop holding on to old ideals (regardless if I think they'll still work, because obviously they're not), to believe there is a higher power at work that has a bigger and better plan than what I have.

If you see me, know me, or talk to me in any form and have something affirming to say, I sure could use it (here or elsewhere - you know how to find me).  I need that proverbial 'pat on the back' and "You're doing a good job"... cause I hope I am.

Lies

I'll come right out and say it; I'm having a problem trusting people.  Sort of.  Okay, so I asked out cute guy at work (this was last week; I'm just getting around to talking about it now) and he told me he was still with his girl trying to work some stuff out, but to feel free to message him (which I have btw, and he hasn't responded.  Funny, that).  I said that was cool, and I respect that.  A co-worker/friend asked him a couple days later if he was single... and he said yes.  I was outraged.  Why would he feel the need to lie to me?  Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't interested?  I'm an adult, I think I could take it.  Meanwhile he's all nice to me at work, callin' me 'hun'.  Yeah, I know, he was just trying to spare my feelings.  Blah blah blah.  Please.  Why is it so much for me to expect honesty?!?!

Now, before we get too much ahead, I'm no queen, either.  I'm by far perfect and I have my occasions of sin.  But I do my best to say things upfront, in whatever manner possible.  Do I always?  No (this is why this post might make me sound out to be a hypocrite.  I doubt you'd be wrong).

A co-worker said to me today, while we were discussing this, "Why are you so hard on people?"  "I don't know," I said and sat in thoughtful silence.

Babu Today

It's a bit of an overcast day, raining on and off.  Caught Babu napping in the bed again, curled up for a rainy day.  I fear if I lay beside him he'll get up and leave.  Again, I apologize for the poor grainy quality.  I'm looking into cameras as we speak.  I also haven't forgotten to respond to those who commented on my last post; I just need time.

Bridge

Here's the stamp on the bridge. Not the one I originally had in mind, but the other one (a metal plaque) just states it's a historic something-or-other and some kids have spray-painted it, so it's not very attractive.  Am I in Hamilton?  No; but it is nearby.  At least this shows the age of the bridge :)

Caution: Please Read With Care

Advisory: This post is not for the weak. Please proceed with caution.  Graphic.

*sits staring at the computer for a while*

Have you ever wanted to talk about what's bothering you, but say nothing at all?  This isn't even something I'm discussing with my friends, so why would I want to discuss it to a few anonymous people?  Well, Christer told me the other day in one of our emails that it's easier to talk to someone you don't know.  He's not too far off.  I can't discuss this on Facebook.  I don't even want to talk about it in detail to any of my friends.

I have been so drowned with internal struggle this week about my purpose in life (with last night being the breaking point) that I've had enough.  The pain I felt last night was like the first few layers of skin are being taken hold by a hand and ripped off in a raw strip off my body.  I see my body with a skeletal front, my heart is beating strong with all of these feelings and I want a large, aggressive, vein-stricken bare hand to grab it and rip it out.  If I was the artist I used to be, I would draw all of this instead of weirding out my general public.  Sorry.  If I was 16 again and believed in cutting like I did, I would do that.  But I don't - and be assured fellow reader I will not (so please don't worry). I just want something to divert the pain (that I ultimately must go through anyways).

You might say, "Pfft, listen J., why you stressin' out about your 'purpose'?  It'll come soon enough and when it's meant to," and you'd be right.  But when it comes to my faith it's something I take extremely seriously, and the only reason to that is personal - nothing my friends, or you my fellow reader would understand.  Okay, you might, I shouldn't short-change you.  Please know my suffering is not in vain, nor do I mind to suffer; it's never permanent.  My suffering evolves me, it strengthens my faith, it strengthens my connection to people.  I will look for the joy, just not today.  When the Lord presents one with two very different, two very strong life paths that are complete opposites - and you're lead to believe you have to pick one (both that you want, btw) - one tends to get a little confused.

Well, I hope I haven't scared you off at this point, but if you've read this far I'm glad I still have you for a reader; you don't scare easily.  I respect that.  We can't be afraid to be in touch with our feelings.  Even the scary ones.

Edit: Also know I won't be walking around with my head hanging low today.  I'm stronger than that.  I refuse to be totally consumed by this :)  I will walk with my head high.

Random

I'm going to star in the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You Pt. II".

Also, I'm joining the convent I recently visited.