Friday, April 23, 2010

Caution: Please Read With Care

Advisory: This post is not for the weak. Please proceed with caution.  Graphic.

*sits staring at the computer for a while*

Have you ever wanted to talk about what's bothering you, but say nothing at all?  This isn't even something I'm discussing with my friends, so why would I want to discuss it to a few anonymous people?  Well, Christer told me the other day in one of our emails that it's easier to talk to someone you don't know.  He's not too far off.  I can't discuss this on Facebook.  I don't even want to talk about it in detail to any of my friends.

I have been so drowned with internal struggle this week about my purpose in life (with last night being the breaking point) that I've had enough.  The pain I felt last night was like the first few layers of skin are being taken hold by a hand and ripped off in a raw strip off my body.  I see my body with a skeletal front, my heart is beating strong with all of these feelings and I want a large, aggressive, vein-stricken bare hand to grab it and rip it out.  If I was the artist I used to be, I would draw all of this instead of weirding out my general public.  Sorry.  If I was 16 again and believed in cutting like I did, I would do that.  But I don't - and be assured fellow reader I will not (so please don't worry). I just want something to divert the pain (that I ultimately must go through anyways).

You might say, "Pfft, listen J., why you stressin' out about your 'purpose'?  It'll come soon enough and when it's meant to," and you'd be right.  But when it comes to my faith it's something I take extremely seriously, and the only reason to that is personal - nothing my friends, or you my fellow reader would understand.  Okay, you might, I shouldn't short-change you.  Please know my suffering is not in vain, nor do I mind to suffer; it's never permanent.  My suffering evolves me, it strengthens my faith, it strengthens my connection to people.  I will look for the joy, just not today.  When the Lord presents one with two very different, two very strong life paths that are complete opposites - and you're lead to believe you have to pick one (both that you want, btw) - one tends to get a little confused.

Well, I hope I haven't scared you off at this point, but if you've read this far I'm glad I still have you for a reader; you don't scare easily.  I respect that.  We can't be afraid to be in touch with our feelings.  Even the scary ones.

Edit: Also know I won't be walking around with my head hanging low today.  I'm stronger than that.  I refuse to be totally consumed by this :)  I will walk with my head high.

4 comments:

bambi said...

I haven't been able to catch up with you, but the starts of your entries that shows up has had me feeling all is not well in your world. I LOVED what you wrote. It sickens me how often I walk the path you are. I've come to give thanks for these times because I know they allow me to be more understanding and compassionate with others, like you! That alone may be my purpose. You can be surprised at the people you may reach when opening up to the 'world', and knowing someone else feels the same, well it makes it easier, a little, to get through the day. Hang in there girl!

hydra said...

It is so very hard to live when one doesn't know one's purpose. I thought I knew mine, but the image has shattered and now I'm flailing in the dark again. You are so strong. I know you'll be guided to make the right choice.

bambi said...

I've heard many people question their purpose in life lately. Maybe we are being challenged to re-evaluate our expectations, qualities, and what is important in life. Hopefully 'we' will return to a 'world' where a "mans" word means something, and promises aren't made without a great deal of thought and meaning. A world where we start caring more about each other, and less about ourselves.

Perovskia said...

Bambi - Re-evaluating is important now and then, I think. Keeps us in check. A world where we care more about others than ourselves would be a world, indeed. We'll have to keep praying for that.

Hydra - Thank you. Lets hope for some light in the dark.

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