Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Is this week over, yet?  Boy oh boy.

Not to say that it's been horrible.  It hasn't.  But I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I've been feeling very out of sorts lately.  I can't find my place in the world.  Not comfortable in my own skin.  Things are changing and I'm almost wondering if I'm trying to shed a new layer of skin - only the outer layer is hard to break through.

Remember cute guy from hospital?  Well... he wasn't entirely lying.  He'd come up to me and asked me mid-shift if everything was okay.  I thought he could tell I was mad at him.  I said yes at first (ha! another lie!), then said no and that we need to talk.  So I called him after my shift, we went and sat in the library and I'd asked him flat out if he lied to me, which was going to be succeeded by a few questions about why he's telling me one thing and people another (easier for him, perhaps?).  After he stated he in fact did not lie, I got distracted because it progressed into a whole conversation about relationships.  He talked about his, then I talked about mine.  What a conversation.  We sat and talked for an hour and a half!  We're a lot alike.  Not just in a similar position with our respective others, but similar in personality, how we approach things, etc.  It was nice to hear, actually.  It was kind of weird telling someone new about everything, but he was very receptive.

Two instances - with cute guy and with Fr. V (I met with this past weekend for counsel) I have been shown that people *are* interested and *do* want to hear what others have to say.  They engage in the conversation, they ask questions, they wait for feedback.  It has not lost my hope on humanity.  In a separate thought, and not at all related, I feel a burden to my friends sometimes when I've got so much shit going on and feel like I'm dragging them down to the bottom of the ocean with me.  I wonder how they put up with me sometimes.  Though when I pray to our good Lord... I say if He's going to make me suffer, then He'd best comfort me along the way.  That's where my friends come in.  What would we do without our friends?  Who would we be?  Very, very different.

I have been fortunate to see that asking out a new guy may not have lead me to a prospective partner, but a new friend.  I have been fortunate to see that there might actually be other men out there with qualities I'm looking for instead of the one I can't let go of.  I have been shown people care.  I learned I have to let go of situations and people I can't control (I know this sounds oh, so rhetorical, and writing it just made me cry, but it's so much harder for me to execute, you understand), to let go of things in life that are bigger than me, to stop holding on to old ideals (regardless if I think they'll still work, because obviously they're not), to believe there is a higher power at work that has a bigger and better plan than what I have.

If you see me, know me, or talk to me in any form and have something affirming to say, I sure could use it (here or elsewhere - you know how to find me).  I need that proverbial 'pat on the back' and "You're doing a good job"... cause I hope I am.


hydra said...

Your psychological savvy is coming on in leaps and bounds. You are on a huge learning curve and I can sense your psyche broadening and stretching. Well done. Pat on back!!

Perovskia said...

*smile* Thanks, girl.

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