Thursday, May 20, 2010

io capisco l'

I'm a little sad tonight.  I'm chalking it up to hormones.  Nonetheless, I'm feeling a little lonely and wish I had someone to sit on the couch with me.  I'm not feeling conversational, but even to watch TV, or listen to the radio....or silence.

I went to visit R. at the rectory tonight (he works there in the evenings part-time) and he was visiting with a friend of his, who is also incidentally, at the seminary (R. is joining in the fall).  I felt awful interrupting their talk, but I didn't want to leave. I tried to walk away, but my feet wouldn't move.  I think it was part loneliness, part taking it as a sign that maybe they'll discuss something I should hear, part not feeling very spiritual or God-like (can I say that?) lately that I just wanted to be surrounded by that.  I'm trying to become more faithful; these dry spells are about pissing me off lately.  There have been too many.  It's not that I think my faith is a conditional one; it's not.  But...I guess when I'm not surrounded by it with my friends sometimes or talk about it (faith), it gets a little lack-luster in my head.  It's not the only reason, just part of it.  When they parted ways for the evening one of them said, "Take care. Goodnight".


One word, but it's making me feel so...isolated.  When was the last time I got to say goodnight to someone (in person. Sorry peeps, texts don't count ;) ).

I haven't been feeling well physically lately and that's really had me down.  Every day this week I've had an upset, attack or episode.  I'm worn out.  I don't have anymore energy.  My body's beaten me up so bad I just wanna burrow in a cave.  But it's almost the weekend, time for more reprieve, so I'll wait it out then rest.  I don't have much planned for the weekend so it looks like a quiet one.  A few potential plans, so we'll see.

I don't think I've told you about this slightly older Italian lady I have as a patient.  She's been helping me brush up on my Italian (which, I swear, should be a pre-requisite for working at my hospital. We're an Italian-based community).  So we talk now and then.  I don't know much, but I get by.  I can hear and understand more than I can speak.  And she's got a hawt son-in-law, so the days he visits it doesn't hurt either.. heh.  Anyhoo.. she doesn't eat much and I'll keep that story separate.  So she didn't eat her dinner this evening and I asked her if I could do anything else for her and she requested toast......
Me, "Si. Non problema"  (Yes, of course. It's no problem)
"Grazie, tesoro. Grazie" (Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you)
"Prego" (You're welcome)
... and she almost had tears in her eyes, which almost made ME have tears in my eyes.  "You always help me," she said.  I smiled.  It's what I do.  It made me feel good, that I could make her happy...just by bringing her toast of all things (oh, and this evening I also brought her 'formaggio' :))

It was a very good night at work.  Lots of laughing.  More patient-family interaction than normal.  I left work with a smile on my face.

I'm almost done one midterm!  I plan to finish on or by this weekend, so next week will be starting and (hopefully) finishing the other one.

I think when I'm done my studies (or even during them) I'm going to take up Italian more fluently than I presently perform.  I have a lot of people I can practice with.



Christina said...

I wish you could take care of my are so patient and kind with your patients. she needs extra attention and sometimes the caretakers are mean or call her a whiner, even to her face. it's quite sad really. She's 90, can't walk and is constantly in pain... cut her a break.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. You know I'm virtually here for you anytime. :)

Perovskia said...

Thanks, sweetie. I wish I could take care of your grandma, too. Sounds like she needs some TLC; poor thing. It's very easy to get caught up in the job and "gloss over" from one patient to the next. It's not an excuse, just a reality. I see it in some (though rare) nurses. And y'know what, if you're losing compassion on the job, THIS job, maybe it's time to move on.

Oops. I ranted.

*smile* I do know. Grazie :)

hydra said...

Having read your latest post about finding her a rosary, I too was welling up. You give so much. No wonder you feel drained.

Perovskia said...

*smile* Thanks Hydra.

There was a lunch 'n Learn at work not long ago...something about...when you give so much of yourself, how to maintain your own energy (sorry, that's paraphrasing, I forgot the title) and I wish I'd gone to it. I could probably learn a thing or two. It's something I don't mind doing, but I want to do so effectively.

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