A Quiet Christmas

Well, the plague 'o death slightly lessens as I attempt to feel human.  Or at least, dress and try to disinfect this place so it doesn't linger any longer than necessary.  Still very tired, but don't want to over-sleep or I won't sleep at night.  Will nap before attempting Midnight Mass tonight.

So.. let's back up to the consulate visit last week.  It went very well!  And.. quite easy.  I didn't have to ask a single question; she intuitively knew I wanted to know if I was still a Dutch national.  And set my pants on fire... I am!  BUT.. I have to do paperwork to keep it.  Before Mar. 27/2013, cause that's when they change their laws.  Again (I've never met a country so finicky).  Did I mention in the 3 months some of that paperwork takes 2 months?  I stressed out just a little with that.  I've already started some paperwork, so we'll see what happens.  If this is the case, it would make a WHOLE lot of things easier.  So.. let's think positive :)

Christmas.  Bah.  It hasn't been a very joyous one for me this year.  Away from W., not being at the church (sick) and let alone can't sing (per said sickness).  It feels very lacking.  I asked my family if we could get together since this would be my last Christmas here, but they failed at that.  We aren't getting together until New Years, if even then.  That's not Christmas.  It's New Years.  Fail.  So, a friend and work colleague invited me to help her in the kitchen with her family Christmas, but it all depends how I'm feeling.  It wouldn't be fair to go like this, infect everyone and not have the energy to socialize.  So, I don't know.  But I really don't want to spend it alone.

I've felt really bad for not sending out Christmas cards, but as I look at my Christmas card holder I only have 3 on it (when it's usually full and brimming over), so I see I'm not the only one feeling busy or overwhelmed this time of year.  I wonder what it is.  That makes it universal, I mean.

I had 3 cats in my apartment today.  My neighbours across the hall are away and I'm looking after the boys. I felt so bad for not spending time with them (being sick, staying in) that I brought them over.  It's not their first time over, but it's their first extended stay.  It went well!  Everyone got along and they hung out.  It was fun.

Well, I think I've run out of things to talk about.  I hope everyone's Christmas plans are going well and you're spending the holidays with those you love.  Merry Christmas to your and yours.. and keep it a safe one :) xoxo

P.S - I can't close out, of course, without attaching the Hallelujah chorus, which I WILL be singing tonight.  Deathbed or no deathbed.  Oh.. good 'ol Andre Rieu..

Blessings.

Ugh..

I have the plague.  Please pray for me.  I might not make it.

#woeisme
#whatdidIdotodeservethis
#ohyeah,workinahospitalwith200sickpeople
#FML

Eek!

I have my appointment with the Dutch consulate in Toronto tomorrow morning.  Please pray for me!  Send good luck wishes.. whatever ya got!  I'm a bit anxious, although prepared; all my questions are written down in my book and will bring legal documentation.

Wow.  That much closer......

Vent #2

As read on the Huffington Post front (online) page: "Very remote.. one of the goths."  I believe they were quoting someone, but the fact is they posted that statement to appear on their front page.

Okay, now it's personal.  

One of the goths?!  Listen, I'll be the FIRST to tell you goths have been some of the nicest and sweetest people I've known.  Having been one, I was immersed in this circle and have created some fantastic, positive memories with them.  Don't stereotype.  

*sigh*  They are trying to figure out a motive.  They are trying to "understand him" to find a reason for erratic behaviour.  No one will ever understand.  No one will get in his head.  No one can ask him to confess what was troubling him.  Yeah, he probably was a genius!  Cause it's the genius fucking kids that are put under so much pressure to perform, you almost can't blame them for cracking.  

Dammit.  

Conneticut

Warning: Possible expletives NOT deleted..

*sigh*

I hate having to voice an opinion about this.  I hate that this even happened that I have to feel so passionate to voice an opinion about something so evil.  Opinion won't be accepted by everyone, all depends what your views are, y'know?  Take what I say with a grain of salt.

First, please don't believe everything you read in the news.  I learned this years ago being the partner of someone in the military.  That's the #1 golden rule.  The news makes everything seem so concrete - but they're only reporting for their angle and with the information they've been given.  Much can be taken out of context.  And you don't know the context because *you weren't there*.  So please, be cautious.

Which leads me into..Second, please be careful what you hear/read/believe about mental illness.  Already being coined with mental illness, personality disorder, autistic, it's situations like this that give a negative stigma to real but (usually) passive disorders.  I'm no expert but I don't know a single autistic (granted, I don't know many) who wants to go around killing people.  No.  There was something else there going on.  I have a good friend who deals with these personalities on a daily basis and she'll be the first to back me up.  Please remember there's more going on behind the scenes than we know.  Mentally ill?  Perhaps.  Didn't feel enough love from those immediately around him to express the anger, hurt, rage that was bothering him?  I'm sure that's guaranteed.  They say he was an honour student.  I'm going to guess he knew what he was doing. He took himself out because he knew if he didn't he'd be spending a lifetime in prison.  I'm not sure which hell is better.  Or worse.

Third, I can't identify as a parent, but it still pulls at my heart.  Kids.  KIDS.  *sigh*  Fucking hell.

Last.. and the positive.. Yes, hug your kids tighter.  Yes, love and appreciate those who surround you.  But remember..*you are alive*  Rather you or those kids, your time will go when you're meant to go.  Give thanks and gratitude for the life you have and that you're able to give it to begin with.  Filter what you read.  Don't put anymore sadness or negativity of the news in your head or household than you need to.  Enjoy the day.  Really enjoy it.

Christian?  Pray for his soul.  Pray our Lord hears his cries and comforts him on the rest of his very painful journey.
Not?  Be thankful that whatever misery he found himself in, he's now out of and isn't a threat anymore.  Keep the victims in mind and heart and surround them with light and love.
Go do a Random Act of Kindness.

/soapbox

Now go out and love!!  :)

Quotes

"What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories."
~ George Eliot 

Jazz Legend

Today Dave Brubeck passed away.  I blogged before about seeing his son, Matt Brubeck, play at the Jazz Festival here; he does take after his father.
RIP, Dave.  Thanks for the music and inspiration.

"You can't understand American without understanding jazz.  And you can't understand jazz without understanding Dave Brubeck."
~ President Barack Obama, in honour of Dave Brubeck in 2009

Catch Up..

Yup.  Late.  Again.  Sorry 'bout that.
You see, I *want* to blog, but my time management lately has been a bit poor as, of course you know, part of my day is spent on Skype with my love (which is going fantastic, btw.  Can I tell you how ridiculously in love I am?).  And one of these days I'll stop apologizing for not writing, assuming that you'll get used to the fact and forgive me anyways.

So, let me go a bit backwards and catch you up on what I last wrote about....

We had gramma's service; it was typical services (I guess?).  Scripture reading, memories, life timelines and events.  I even learned a couple things about my gram that day (well, her and grandpa both).  And it was nice to visit after with family and socialize a bit.  I got to see relatives I haven't seen in years (that I used to be close to; cousins, etc).  I got to tell one of my uncles (gram's brother) that I'm moving overseas.  This conversation was interesting; I felt compelled to tell a man I haven't been close to at all that I was moving back "home".  I felt he had to know this.  I don't know why.  I haven't been close to that side of the family; not by choice, but by geography, difficulty of visits, etc.  I've always missed them, though.  Like a strange void that has constantly wanted to be filled.  The memories of my visits with them when I was a child are still vibrant in my head.  I've clung onto them.  They were the most... stress-free, family-filled, feeling-whole times of my childhood (I think I just realized why I've clung onto them).  They were times I.. got to be a kid.  So perhaps my need to tell my uncle a significant life moment is my attempt to tie myself to that side of the family more.
Twelve of us went out for a family dinner after.  That was nice, too.  Casual, nothing fancy.
I received a couple items from my aunt that evening that were my gram's; a Dutch bible (even more reason to learn the language), a teacup and saucer (that so reminds me of having tea with them when I was younger) and a couple of silver spoons (one with pretty scroll work with the letter 'E' for grandpa's name, and one with a Dutch.. monument/important land build of sorts).  You can tell they've been well used for said tea in teacup :)  I'm already thinking how to pack the china when I go, as I'll take it with me.

Baking has been next to non-existent.  Bleh.  I have no excuse for this.  I have no reason to bake, really, hence the no baking.  I should be experimenting with recipes.. but.. I'm not.  I do have one Christmas order to do that I should be working on and pricing.  /procrastinating

Oh, the aforementioned conversation with my parents about W. went really well.  They were supportive.  They listened.  They offered opinion.

The language.  Oh, the language.  *sigh*  I'm struggling.  Have I mentioned this?  I don't remember.  I am, to be fair, making it more difficult than it is.  I'm not sure why.  'Cause so much is at stake, I think.  Learning past languages has been fun because I've wanted to learn them out of curiosity and enjoyment.  This I have to learn not just out of curiosity and enjoyment, but necessity.  So.. I'm fighting it.  And it's ridiculous, because I know it's all in my head.  I know.  I've read or heard that other people struggle with it, so I think I have to struggle with it.  This is crap, because I know I'm intelligent enough to absorb the language.  There are times I find myself relaxing about it and it goes a bit more with ease, but those moments are still too far and few between.  If you have any experience learning a new language, I'd love to hear your stories.

Also, I just unpacked today (even though it arrived a few days ago) a parcel I bought online for Black Friday sales; luggage.  I just unpacked it out of the box; almost as if I've created certain processing times for it in my head.  It's sitting out all pretty and red in my living room.
Luggage.
For Europe.

Yeah....

Quotes

"There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them."
~ Charles D. Gill

Quotes

"Never regret.  If it's good, it's wonderful.  If it's bad, it's experience."
~ Victoria Holt

Not What I Thought...

Well, if you're partial to my Facebook status this week, you know (or maybe you don't) that my gramma passed away.  I was planning on sitting down and writing to you about her, but I just can't get my thoughts straightened out yet to tell you.  It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not as ready as I thought.  I hope to soon though, because you should know how awesome she was :)

This was the hardest death for me to deal with, aside from someone else close to me that passed when I was 15.  I have no interest in rushing the grieving process.  I hate that part about death; it's (in this case) sudden, you have shock, you grieve/mourn, and life goes on.  I don't want life to go on.  I don't want to acknowledge the last and most-loved (and last remaining) grandmother I had is gone.  I don't want her to be a memory.  I hate that life is getting back to normal and I just want it to hold still and...not move.  I know it's inevitable, but I still don't want it.  Not yet.

I knew her death, whenever it would happen, would hurt.  So, channeling my (what felt like) inner 6-year old one time, I said to her about a year back, "Gramma, you're not allowed to die." :)  A bit taken aback she paused, thought for a second and said, "Well dear, someday I have to."  "I know," I said, "but you're not allowed to."  Gramma's are supposed to live forever, aren't they?  The warm, compassionate, unconditional love they give is irreplaceable.  Who else does that?  Not usually anyone else like gramma's do.

And this is where I get stuck.  I write a sentence, erase it, try again, erase again.  I'm not ready.  Talking about her will have to wait.

Babu has been pretty awesome for the most part, sticking close by.  He slept with me last night and this morning after I woke up and went back to bed.  I sat on the couch eating breakfast this morning and he sat beside me, a paw extended on my leg.  W. has been nothing but supportive and upstanding in dealing with gram's death.  I can't say how special he is.

I won't go without mentioning.... the bake sale I had this week?  I sold out.. completely.  All gluten-free items!  It was fantastic.  A day of such mixed emotion: difficult while in grief, high on adrenaline and 'customer service mode', exhaustion, elation.  I had repeat customers, and new ones.  I sold everything right down to the last bag of cookies.  I lost a lot of baking time with the death, but what I made was enough to sell out and give me some extra cash for my Europe Fund.

Today I had a day just for myself.  I got my hair cut, had a relaxation massage, a nice lunch out and some friend time.  It was perfect.

Tomorrow I'm (finally) having the conversation with my (other) parents about W.  Cross your fingers.  I can use all the positive thought that this conversation goes well.

I think I'll call it a night.  I hope everyone's having a good weekend :)
Goedenacht.

Appearances

Yeah... so... hi.

Been a while, I know.  I think this is how it's going to be for a while.  I apologize in advance.  My distractions have been elsewhere and I hope to do a bit of explaining just where they've been.  I'm quite tired though (is it sad I'm this tired at 8:30 at night?), so forgive me for keeping this short.

My new love is treating me well.  So well, that it's most of the reason I haven't been here to talk to you.  We are in a habit now of Skype'ing every night (which is a luxury I'm daily thankful for), for either an hour.. or four.  It's nice and it makes me happy :)  Every day I'm learning something about him and it makes me smile.  I'm a very lucky girl to find someone so understanding, patient and loving.  It's nice to be accepted *with* your faults (not despite them) and encouraged to grow in them.  Yup, he's a special one.  I still don't want to say too much publicly for now, but all you need to know is things are going very, very well :)

Which is why I'm tired at night and shut down early.  After our talks (which can end anywhere from 5:30pm to 8-8:30) I'm done.  I've committed energy to Skype'ing which is a bit more involved than an actual in-person visit because special attention is given to shitty connections (across an ocean, of course) and making sure you hear everything the other says, if not repeat.  We also talk about a lot of in-depth things, so that also takes attention.  So after our calls, I don't feel like doing much else.  He's gone to bed (he's 6 hrs ahead) and I have an hour or three to get my stuff together for the next day.  Which means not writing you here :(  But I haven't forgotten about you!  I promise I'll write anytime something comes up.

Like bake sales!

I'm entering yet another table at work of my baked goods.  It's an annual November Fair we have that's mostly a craft show, but some people put in food items.  I'm stressing with what to make, how much to make (it's very high traffic).  I have a good idea, but not everything is finalized and it's driving my OCD a bit nuts.  I know I'm a last-minute person, but this is crazy.  Anyways, the sale is this Friday (eek!) so wish me luck!!

I started the fourth season of Doctor Who (newer series; the tenth Doctor) tonight.  Exciting :)  Enter: Donna.

Can't think of much else to tell you.  Babu is doing well and driving me nuts on a daily basis.  I've been mostly healthy aside from usual tummy-troubles made worse from a virus a couple months ago.  When you already have a weak system, it takes so long to bounce back from something like that.  I'm almost ready to throw in the towel.  Dude, if you have a healthy digestive system...BE THANKFUL.

I hope everyone is doing well.  I think of you, even if we haven't spoken in a while.  Once the craziness subsides, I will be in touch.  These days, I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis and it's almost getting to be a little too much, yet I can't think of a way ahead or how to dig my way out.  I said last Christmas winter will quiet down and I'll finally be able to get to mundane things that I once liked doing.  So far?  It hasn't stopped.    In a year.  Is this how life is now?  Where did I go wrong?  Did I go wrong?  How have I committed myself in so many ways that I'm leaving nothing left for...nothing?

*faint*

That's what tonight was for; Doctor Who lets me chill out for an hour.  Did I feel guilty the entire time because I know there's things I need to be doing?  Absolutely.  And I ignored it, cause, I need to stay sane, yo.  So.. I chilled.

Me, lately, in a nutshell.

P.S - How have I not had a Doctor Who tag?!  Now, a Doctor Who tag.  Just 'cause.

Quotes

"I walked along the edge of the lake and was treated to the crunch and rustle of the leaves... The acoustics of this season are different and all sounds, no matter how hushed, are as crisp as autumn air."
~ Eric Sloane

Quotes

Overheard when I was in a diner the other day.  A sign?

"Don't look hard for an answer when a simple one is available."

Farmer's Market to... Pastry Chef?

Well, I'm happy to report today was a success.

....At least, as far as successes go.  I count anything as a profit a success, so by my standards, I wasn't asking much.  Whatever I made I considered a bonus; I'm doing what I enjoy.  Now, I was anxious as hell for getting my baking out in the public for the first time, I'm not gonna lie.  You know when things just sort of...roll in succession and happen naturally and fall into place?  That's what this was.  It was suggested I put in a table, I automatically made business cards without thinking much about it and baked my ass off for 3 days.  I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about things or deliberating if this is what I should do.

Now, having said that, I know what I would do differently next time.  I need to get on the ball more and I'd make a few changes.. but that's a learned experience and all hindsight now.  I'm making notes for next time (I need a designated notebook!).

The weather was.. tolerable.  It was drizzly today and damp - so the girls and I were a bit chilled to the bone.  I should have a bath tonight; that's a sure remedy.

There were 2 girls at a table next to me who took care of the produce (there was a lot!) and they were super nice.  In fact, one of them is a manager at a boutique grocer down the street and suggested I look into getting my product in there (did I just hear myself say someone wanted me to sell my stuff in a store.. professionally?).  I'll keep her as a contact.  Also, the manager for the cafeteria in the hospital would like to sell my items at Christmas (wow!), but we're not sure if that's feasible yet.  I'm not a registered business for all this so it poses problems - but not impossible ones.

I sit back and look at my life as it stands and... I'm so happy and so thankful.  You and I know I've wanted things to turn around for a long time now.  And if you really know about things, you know I worked hard for this and it's about damn time.  I don't feel bad saying I deserve this (something I never would have been able to say in the past; I was a different person then).

How do I feel now besides happy?  Tired as hell.  I'm exhausted.  I can barely keep my head upright.  Baking over a hot oven for 3 days and socializing for one & trying to make an adequate impression and future contacts, takes a lot out of a girl.  And apparently I'm doing this again in November!?!

Well, I'm going to take a night for myself and get to bed early (back to reality - work!).  I can't leave without saying thanks to you for all your support.  And you know I can't leave without thanking the Big Guy upstairs.  Last but never least, W.; I hate to sound cliche but my rock and my strength.  Without your love and support (and endless patience for my craziness; God love you) I wouldn't have had the strength for today.  You are my life.

It's Heeeeere... (Farmer's Market)

Hey folks.  Sorry I've been AWOL; life is changing pace and I'm doing my best to keep up.  My attention these days lies elsewhere (the new love is treating me very well, btw; I couldn't be happier!) and I'm doing my best to balance everything.

Well, that time went by fast, didn't it?  This coming Wednesday is the Farmer's Market we're holding at work.  Turns out there's not many of us, only 3 or so tables (but they're very large tables) and I was not quite volentold.. but.. coerced into putting my baking for sale (it turns out it didn't need much arm twisting).  I decided to go for it and put any sales towards my Europe Fund, as stated.  What the hell, right?

Well, it's caused me a bit of stress.  First I messed up the days and got that wrong, so it took 2 days off of planning that out (same questions as before; what will I make?  Will I have enough variety?  Will I produce enough?)... and ever since last night, I've been baking when I'm not at work.  Thankfully I have tomorrow off, so I will finish it all up then.  Oh right, and I'm entering my French baking and gluten-free baking as previously decided.  I've never put my baking out in public before, so I'm very anxious.  It's one thing to please friends, it's another to please a stranger.  But.. we'll see what happens.  Think positive!

Well, I'm going to keep this short cause um... time is money.  I need to clean up between cookies in the oven and I might even refrigerate some dough and do the rest in the morning.  I'll keep you posted!

Quotes

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."
~ Sam Keen (author)

Completely Random

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the eyes and letting me see he's such an ass.  Why You didn't however, show me 6 years ago is beyond me.
Much love,
J.
/random
#cryptic (but not really)

P.S - Thank you for showing me now what real love is.  I am truly blessed.  You have certainly given more than I ever asked for.

Deep Thinky Thoughts

Isn't it funny; we get what we ask for, but it turns out when we get it, it's not really what we wanted in the first place (or that the conditions aren't ideal or what have you).  It proves that we really don't know what we want and often we get over-zealous with anticipation, impatience and desire.  While there may be a few avenues that make us happy, often we have to pick one (because we're only one person and can't be in 5 places at once; at least, until human cloning is perfected).  We put so much stress on "that one" & worry constantly during the process if it's the right path.  But when we put aside the worry, the stress, the outside noise, the ego, the impatience... and have faith in whatever plan is about to unfold before us, before we know it, we're there *so long* as we remain open to the people and clues that come across our path as guidance.  And we're happy (usually?).

Is that enough waxing philosophical for you today?  Good.

Another Opportunity?

Okay folks, I have an interview tomorrow morning at a prestigious hotel restaurant in town.  Say your prayers!  I'll keep you posted :)

Farmers Market?

In the beginning of October the gentleman (executive chef) who runs the cafeteria adjacent to our kitchen at work is hosting a Farmers Market for the hospital.  One has the option of getting a table ($20 fee, payable to ...something or other; some department or fund).  He suggested I do some baking and get a table and earn a few bucks.  

It's a nice idea and the income (post costs) would go towards what will now be called my Europe Fund.  I'm asking myself a lot of questions; what would I bake?  How can I keep costs low and income high?  Do I have the time and/or energy for this?  How do I decide prices?  Low enough to entice purchase but high enough to generate income.  

What are your thoughts?  What else should I be asking myself?  What would you do?  

I would definitely do some French Baking, and especially some Gluten Free stuff.  I'd rather not bake ahead too much and freeze, as it compromises the taste of the final product, though I might not have a choice.  I'm not going to do pies and stuff like that; they're too common.  Mind you, I might sell slices (or whole?) of something like my Raspberry Almond Clafoutis, Blackberry Butter Cake, Tart au Citron, things like that.  Cookies, maybe, but that might go under the GF category.  

I have to be careful because October will be here before I know it, so I'd have to decide fast.  Don't be afraid to throw any thoughts or ideas my way!  Thanks!

Post Jazz Festival and Nuit Blanche

Well, it's time to wind down after the weekend... and what a fabulous weekend.  MK visited (a very close friend of mine from back home) and it was nice to spend time together as we only get together once or twice a year.  We had all sorts of amazing food and we hit up the Jazz Festival in town and Nuit Blanche (overnight) - where, if you ask me - are some of the best acts; nestled in a corner of the city in some cafe or yoga studio.  I watched some of these musicians and.. they amaze me.  Take Matt Brubeck, for one (son of jazz legend Dave Brubeck).  The link shows his performance at last year's Jazz Fest and I was among the crowd; great quality video showing his improvisation and a very cool, very industrial-looking cello :)  A typical eccentric artist by appearance (black hair, black clothes, black runners with hot pink accents), his hand naturally curls and rests around the neck of the cello and it's always there; almost like it's an extension of who he is.  Except, it's more than that.  It's not an extension, it's literally a part of him.  Not a half; a whole, almost as if they've melded into one being.  This isn't simply a hobby or an interest or a career, this is who he is.  I guess he lived out in San Francisco for some time, but he's living in the Toronto area again?  Anyways, if you're in either city/area and you have the chance to see him, please try to get out.

Another act we caught is Gordon Grdina; played Arabic music with a Turkish guitar (the link is horrible quality but shows you the type of music he does which was very enjoyable in an intimate setting).  I might check for one of his CD's.  It was mostly a solo performance, not the group you see, though there was also a couple guys there with the odd accompaniment of voice and/or percussion.

Anyways.. enough about that.  I'm tired now.  We made it until after 3am last night and were in bed for 04:00, with another busy day.  It's just after 9pm and I'm gonna get ready for bed and maybe relax a bit with a book.

Hope you had as great of a weekend.  The weather has finally changed and it's absolutely perfect.  I will try to get out and enjoy it as much as I can before we have to ... shhh.. hibernate!

Random Verbage

Pulled from various sources on the internetz..

..amen.

Phew

Well, I'm writing sooner than I thought I would.  Isn't it typical, I say I'm taking some time off, then write the next day.  Ah well.  Hi! :)  I guess I haven't written cause I don't know where to start, there's been so much going on.  So... I guess I'll just pick a topic and go from there.

I've been getting back in the kitchen lately, which feels SO good.  I haven't baked much over the summer.  With the heat, it was just too much, y'know?  ..despite having an A/C.  The other day a la French, I made a Blackberry Butter Cake.  It turned out horribly.  I mean, it was edible for the most part, but I forgot a step and.. bleh.  Anyways, it's just another excuse to make it again :)

I've come across a few sites/articles I wanted to share because I thought they had some element in them that I agreed with, identified with or thought should come to light.
HP's We Respect Our iPhones More Than Our Elders (which, doesn't really mention personal devices at all, so much as getting and giving back to seniors).
Hp's 7 Laws of Fearless Living.  I *loved* the points in this.  Good to think about as you consider your current position in life.
CBC's Tropicana Orange Juice lawsuits question 'natural' status.  CZ CS, this ties in to something we were talking about before.  Folks, if it's important to you, know that the o.j on the shelf isn't as pure as you may have thought it to be.  But then, we shouldn't be surprised.  If you can afford to juice, do it.
HP's What's in your God Box?  Hmm... I'm going to let you read this one on your own.
Random, but The Traveler's Lunchbox, The Well-Salted Tart.  I want to make this.  AR, I think you would be happy if I did, so I'll get back to you ;)
Ah!  This was an interesting site; Wheat Belly (linked to About the Author which kind of gives the synopsis of what he's about) which exposes thoughts on wheat and the detriments it's causing to our health.. and depending on your current nutrition beliefs, you may (or may not, but I'm not sure how) agree with.
lifehacker's The Snarky Voice in Your Head is Killing Your Productivity; Here's How to Stop It.  I liked this, too, and have often found myself guilty (so often! eek!) of the negative inner voice and this will cause you to be mindful of curbing your "inner asshole".  Or at least, bring it to your attention and you can decide what you want to do.  (C'mon.. tell me you're not guilty of some of these points.)
This is a blog post on how to Scare Yourself Every Day, if you're into personal challenges or need a kick in the arse for motivation to try something different.  This may or may not be for you.
HP's Tithing In Canada: Churchgoers Divided Over Donating Percentage of Their Income.  An interesting read about tithing rules, practices, beliefs of different denominations.  The statistics are interesting.

Wow!  That was a lot I had saved up, eh?  I'd be interested what you thought of any of them.

The only other thing I have to write about is a new love; a dear friend of mine whom I've known for a few years.  The catch? (..cause there's always one in Jody's life)  He's in Europe.  Which means I have a helluva'n adventure ahead of me if it works out.  I hope it does :)  Think positive, people!  :)

Due to possible impending move, I've been trying to adapt to a more minimalist way of living. Not that I have a lot of stuff or am materialistic, but am second-thinking purchases.  Oh.. ha.. except for this.  Well, it didn't even cost me anything, but I have to show you; with my airmiles I saved up, I got a new Henckels knife set.  It's so pretty.  It's sitting on my counter, constantly whispering every day, "Use me!"

Ooooh.... ahhhh.... teh pretty.. (thanks to AC for photoshop)

I'm applying for a new job and need your positive thoughts for that, too!  It's in a kitchen in a higher-end hotel in the city; I'm really feeling pulled towards it.

That's all for now.  I need to make me some lunch.  Hope the week is treating you well.  I'll be hitting up the Jazz Festival this weekend with a couple friends (including a close friend coming in from out of town) and I can't wait.  My favourite time of year.

I am alive, I promise you.

#personalstuff
#takingabreakfromblogging

Quotes

Never worry alone.  When anxiety grabs my mind, it is self-perpetuating.  Worrisome thoughts travel faster than rabbits, so one of the most powerful ways to stop the spiral of worry is simply to disclose my worry to a friend... The simple act of reassurance from another human being [becomes] a tool of the Spirit to cast out fear - because peace and fear are both contagious.
~ John Ortberg Jr., author

Quotes

I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.
~ Charlotte Bronte 

Something I have to keep reminding myself.

Not Forgotten

Hello dear reader.  You thought I forgot about you?  Oh posh!  Never :)  Life has taken a (good great) turn and I've been a little self-absorbed.  Forgive me.  If you bear with me, though, I hope soon enough I'll be able to let you in on what's going on.

Until then, I shall fancy you with the odd quote.  I hope you enjoy them and that they give you something to ponder about, if only for a few minutes.

xo

Quotes

Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall.  Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.  Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down.  And this is all life really means.
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Quotes

Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that's worth mentioning?
~ Coleman Cox, author

*Sigh*

I might cry.


#PMS
#FML

Quote

It's been a long time since I posted a quote.  I came across this today and it made me smile.  Also, I read about the author who seemed a bit interesting (he had a quiet life, mostly, but very pious in his views. I've linked his name to Wiki; see under 'Religion'.  Good to stash away in the head for random Catholic trivia?).

"Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine,
there's always laughter and good red wine.
At least I've always found it so.
Benedicamus Domino!"
~ Hilaire Belloc

Ugh.. Kill Me Now..

Sick with a cold, in the middle of summer?  Seriously?  Seriously???  I don't think I've gotten a cold in the middle of summer in my life.  Thankfully I've been off the past 3 days to be sick/recover.  Sitting up, typing this to you now, is a bit exhausting.  I really don't know how I'm going to find the energy to go to work tomorrow.  If I had a proper working laptop, I could be typing this in bed.  *sigh*

What was I going to ramble about today?  Oh right.  My dear friend CZ is getting married in a week (plus 2 days).  A WEEK!  OMG!  IT'S SO EXCITING! :D  And... IS IT REALLY THAT TIME ALREADY??  I'm really getting stoked... partly because I've got this fabulous dress that is me but isn't me (in a good way)  (and when was the last time I dressed up??) but I'm totally going to rock it.  Or at least... try.  TMI.. but I just realized today I'll be PMS'ing and bloated while in this fabulous dress.  Man.  Not cool.  I'm trying to look great and all I'll feel like is a beached whale :P  Well, try to complement me anyways, I might need it! lol  Anyways, what's cool is I got *everything* for this outfit on sale.  And I'm totally girling it up next weekend.  I've scheduled a mani-pedi for the Friday (though I think I'll cancel the manicure; I can't wear nail polish at work and I'll have to literally take it off a day later. A bit of a waste if you ask me) and get an extended special pedicure.  And I'm getting my hair done up at the salon the morning of.  Woot.  Look at me go.  Take some pictures; this one's gotta last :)

I just found out on Facebook tonight one of the girls I went to high school/public school with's sister passed away today.  That was sad :(

Um.. I could whine about how all I've been doing is resting, trying to keep up with cleaning of house, more resting, how I have no energy to do *anything*.. but that's no fun for you to hear.  I've had the a/c on cause it's best curled up under the covers when you're sick, than sprawled out because if you move you sweat.  /whine

There was some other stuff I was going to ramble about.. but.. I don't even remember.  Which means it's probably time for bed.  I'm out..

For Big Bang Theory Fans

So I randomly discovered today, in case you weren't aware, of something in the BBT episodes.  At the end of each episode after the credits, there's a white screen with black lettering, "CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS".. and the thing is, he writes something new on each one.  Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're thought-provoking and mostly.. completely random.  And here, I've even found a link stating all of them....

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS #...

Enjoy!

Gah!

That's it, I'm not going to ask how patients are anymore.

Hello.
Here is your food.
Goodbye.

*sigh*

A Question Of Life

This is a bit heavy for introspection on a Sunday morning; I meant to write this last night but.. well.. forgot.  After work I kicked back with a movie and headed straight to bed.  So.. today it shall be.

I had a patient last night who didn't eat their dinner.  Nursing requested a substitution that I had to get approval for before delivering.  They were on a special diet - DMMOD, K50, PRO50, NA100 (no added sugar, low salt, low protein and potassium).  I called nursing to ask what they had/hadn't eaten on their tray to take in account for the carbs (I have to match carb level on the original tray).  Nursing said they were just diagnosed fully palliative (whatever you have is going to kill you, you're at end-of-life care), so they can eat what they want (at lunch they had ice cream!) :)  So.. cool.. I brought the requested item/substitution.

My question is this.... if you were diagnosed palliative, would you still respect your body and eat properly, or would you go full out?  Don't answer what you morally think you would answer, but answer the way you think you would *actually* act.  Hmm.. got you thinking, don't I?  I don't know the diagnosed time limit for that patient, so we'll leave that open (could be 6 months, could be 2 years).  What are you asking yourself?  What are your parameters?  Would you eat whatever you wanted?  Would you still eat within reason?  Would you eat within reason and cheat sometimes?  Are you highly medicated and without pain?  I asked a couple of co-workers and I got interesting responses; one said if what they ate didn't provide physical discomfort they would cheat, but otherwise eat somewhat properly.  Another said they would eat mostly properly and not go all out - if they did, what if that time limit extended to say.. 5 years?  You wouldn't deserve those 5 years.  Interesting.  What do you think?

I also witnessed a patient fall this week.  I hate that.  It's heartbreaking.  I get very upset very quickly when I see a fall.  I don't know what it is; is it the body giving into involuntary actions resulting in hurt (usually, to some extent)?  Is it not being able to help?  I don't know.  But it pains me.

I also had another incident with a patient; I was delivering HS Nourishments (bedtime snacks for diabetics) and walked into my pt's room (elderly) and she was crying.  I could have easily just walked out.  Maybe I should have.  But.. I asked what was wrong (this isn't typical behaviour of said pt) and it turns out she just found out her husband has liver cancer.  She was in shock.  Visibly upset.  Distraught.  A lot of in-shock/just-received-bad-news rambling.  So... I decided to drop everything I was doing and just... listen.  Nothing existed outside of that room.  She needed to talk to someone and I was the first person in that room after she heard the news.  She went on about how her husband was such a good man and now she's going to have to live in a home because she can't live alone at home (she's on dialysis) and she lost her son to cancer at 34, to which she got more upset (ugh.. that one hit me.  That's 2 years younger than me!).  I prayed quickly while she was talking as to what I should do.  So after I got her attention and got her to pause a minute, I gently told her not to put the horse before the cart and she doesn't know yet what his prognosis is, how advanced, etc.  "That's true," she said and took a breath.  Still upset, but not as.... freaking out like she was before.  I stayed with her a couple more minutes, had a few words, and left.  It was a little difficult to hold back my own tears, but I was able to.  But man.. it stuck with me the rest of the night.  Still does, really.  She's Dutch and reminds me a lot of my gram.  There is always someone in the hospital somewhere that will remind you of someone.. and that's good, it's humbling.  It reminds you why you're there.  You're helping to take care of someone's significant other (mother, father, aunt, sister, brother, cousin, friend or grandparent).

Well, on that note... I've gotta go to Mass!  Sorry to leave you with something heavy.  Will try to write lighter next time :)  Have a good Sunday!  Spend it with someone you care about, who cares about you.. or even do some self-care.  You deserve it.

Woa

*gets smacked in the face*

holymotherofGodthatwasabigrealizationithinkineedadrinknow.


/cryptic


#selfwork

Also after having said drink, I really hate that I'm allergic to sulphites. *sigh*

Kitchen Frustration

I just realized I would have more room in my cupboards (I'm constantly grumbling that I'm out of space) if I took my cookbooks out.  I would love to display them - but I have nowhere to put them!
/frustration

No, Chef

So... I'm going to make this post short and sweet right now.  I got let go from the restaurant today.  Via a text message.  While I was shopping.  Yeah, awesome, right?  (I know, it took me a while to process it, too.)  Said they're over-staffed.  To say I was crushed is a bit of an understatement.  Still am... and I'm fearful I've lost my chance in 'the biz' and won't get another opportunity.  As it was while I was shopping and it was impossible for me to break down in the middle of a shopping mall, I did what any self-respecting girl does when she's depressed; I bought shoes.  Lots of shoes.  And 'on sale' shoes.  I had to for the wedding in August anyways, so killed two birds with one stone.

I'm going to leave my phone aside and go and have a quiet night and get to bed early.  It's been an exhausting day.  Before you write back, yes I know the good that can come of the situation or the potential for better or.. whatever.  I *know*...so please don't write and tell me these things.  I don't care to hear them today.

Article

Studied or have an interest in sociology?  Like studying human nature or social trends/change?  I just read an article in the Huffington Post about the increase of divorce and opinions thereof from a divorce lawyer; "The Divorce Law Biz is Booming and Here's Why".  Maybe you agree, maybe you don't, but maybe it'll start some inner (or outer) dialogue.

Not Angry Anymore...and Ramble

So... I did some self-work and dove into why I am so bent on being a martyr.  Lord knows it's not healthy, for me or the other person.  I don't have an answer why (other than hypothesizing it relates to lack of control of things in my own life, though I don't think this is the entire reason) but I was able to detach from it.  I realized I've taken on a mother/nurturing role with, in essence some ways, the entire world (or so I said it felt like I had the world on my shoulders).  Having said that, I wasn't able to detach 'nurturing' from 'martyr'.  In my head, they were the same thing.  It's what I've been doing for 20-25 years and like I said, it's innate.  But it doesn't mean it was right.  So, I was able after a while to detach the two after a while and notice the difference.  When I let go of being this.. martyr.. I mourned the loss of this thing I was so attached to.  It was easy (I think because it was the right time), but painful.  I was sad.  Let me use a metaphor (I do like using metaphors, don't I?); when a mother 'loses' their child to adulthood, when they grow up and move out... it's sometimes difficult and sad, but also exciting.  A new relationship dynamic occurs.  So I'm going to do my best to look at it like that.  When a friend tells me they're stressed about something in their life (that they have every reason to stress about), I will let go, smile and comfort.... from a distance.  It's not for lack of love, it's for self-preservation.  At least, until I find a new happy medium :)  (P.S - does anyone know what The Church says about martyrdom?  Not the "sacrificing yourself for the faith" type, but the "self-inflicting pain" type.  Okay, maybe I just answered my own question.  Crap.)  Really, I make myself laugh sometimes. #dufus  (Don't judge; sometimes we just need to hear things out loud)  :)

I worked at the restaurant today; my first day shift.  It went really well.  It wasn't extremely busy, so I got some extra work done. Sweat my ass off.  Didn't get to cook, though; there were enough people for that.  Then after my shift I stepped outside (in the humidex temps of 35 C) and thought it was "nice" out.  Ha, now I know I'm crazy.

I have concerns about my role in the restaurant industry.  Or I should say, my health.  I hate my body.  I'm sorry, but I have to say it.  It's so freakin' high maintenance, it makes working in a restaurant challenging.  Like, really, really challenging.  I go several hours without eating.  I'm hypoglycemic!  This is not good for a hypoglycemic.  While the cooks "forage" (I was also encouraged to do so), it's difficult because I'm on the opposite side of the kitchen where the food is.  Sometimes one of the cooks throws food my way, which I'm forever grateful for.  But it's frustrating; when my sugar is low I a) lose energy and b) mental focus.  The two absolute worst things you want to lose in such a job.  So.. I don't know.  I've told two key people in the kitchen about my health state and they'll help me when they can.  Regardless, I'm a bit down and frustrated by it and haven't yet come up with a solution.

The weekend has been good so far.  Last night I went to friend's (friends? what's proper grammar?) for dinner/fire.  I wish I could spend more time in the country; I wasn't able to unwind as much as I would have preferred (no fault to them, just need more time in that sort of space).  But.. we did have great food (as we always do when we get together).  And who can pass up roasting marshmallows?

The lack of rain this summer has been a concern.  We're not even getting a break from the heat; it's hot *every* day.  I just wish there was rain for the farmers; they're losing so much this year.

Well, I think I'm done rambling.  I'm going out shortly to a punk rock concert of various bands.  I wanna get out and have some fun tonight.  Have a beer, let my hair down.

Party on, dude.

I AM ANGRY!

*ROAR*

Okay, I'm done.

...bet that got your attention.

Well, it wasn't meant to, so I apologize.  I'm just a bit angry today.  I could whine about a list of what's gone wrong (and the day started off so well) but it won't help.  I'm getting some food in my belly (and wine and chocolate afterwards!) so perhaps that'll help.

I've been taking a personal inventory of my emotions of late (and my typing; why is it so awful today?!).  Not necessarily what my emotions are, per se, but when or why they've been occurring.  Anger, jealously.  I notice I'm getting much more angry at (some) things than I need to.  Some things happening are a valid reason resulting in a rise in emotions, but with other things (or people), it's an attempt for control over things I have no control over.  I'll never understand why I'm getting angry at say, a friend who is rather stressed over something I see no reason to be stressed for (a major, though for the better life change), or having so much on their plate right now which is overwhelming them.  Who am I to say what you get stressed over?  See, I hear myself and it sounds ridiculous.  I think it's not like seeing my friends stressed over whatever pressing matter pertains to them at the time and wishing I could take that ill-easeness away from them.  I want to take their pain away.

So... what, it's okay for me to get stressed about stuff and carry burden, but no one else?  That doesn't sound right either (even in a very basic self-care opinion, why is that fair to me?).  The funny thing is it does sound right to me and that's what I want to do.  I always have, even since I was younger (*especially* as a teen).  I always wanted to carry pain so others wouldn't have to.  It's innate.  Even when my pain and their pain are totally different (different situations, contexts, etc), it doesn't matter.  I wanted to suffer more.  And it's not meant as a holier-than-thou sort of attitude, it's.. very humble or has its own humility in it's own way.  I just wish I could so they don't have to.  *shrug*

You might think it sounds like a lot of stress on me.  It is, but in a strange way I don't mind it.  I don't know how else to explain it all.

Now, if we could just fix world peace, we'd all be good, huh? :)  How's that for heavy thoughts on a Tuesday night?  I just finished my tea so I think it's time for bed.  Tomorrow's another day :)

Coach!

Okay, the post title should be, "Awesome Neighbours" (ugh, I hate that it red-underlines 'neighbours'. Look!  It did it again!  I AM NOT AMERICAN!  DEAL WITH THE FACT I PUT "U'S" IN WORDS!)   /rant

So right, awesome neighbours.   I watched their cats for like.. a week or so and have done a few times this year.  Well, when they were in the States they hit up a Coach outlet and guess what I have now!  My first Coach product!  From the Poppy Collection, which I love.

I was speechless.  Okay, I might have been speechless and my mouth might have dropped to the floor.  It's not what I would have chosen (usually choosing a longer wallet clutch style, and the inside is pink which is getting me in touch with my girlie side) but it's perfect.  I didn't think it'd hold all my crap but surprisingly it does.  It's very easy to tote around with the strap (i.e - when I go across the street to the pub, I don't have to schlep my purse, as I hate to do so).  Also, when I was switching everything over, I discovered my license has expired (April!) and I never received a notification in the mail.  I have no idea where I'm going to find that money.  By August.  Ugh.  Anyways.. yay!  New Coach!

Battle Wounds (some language)

Not all nights will be like this, right?

Worked at the restaurant tonight.  Mental note: don't work at the restaurant Saturday nights. It was crazy-busy.. we were full up for a continuous 3-4 hours and I was working a *bit* slower than I usually do.  Not sure why.  Maybe because I had a lazy day at home?  I get most of my energy at/after 4pm, so I should have kicked it into high gear.  I did a bit, but apparently not enough.  I was caught up the majority of the night until the end when they clean the entire kitchen of food (the restaurant is closed the next two days, so don't want food lying around)... so that means extra dishes.  I got a bit of help, but keep in mind the help comes at a bit of a.. how can I say.. price.  They shouldn't have to help me and I should be able to man my station on my own and I don't want to ask for help.  Working in a kitchen is a very independent thing; everyone's got their own shit to do.  I get told to hightail it because the dishes keep piling up.  Then it goes like this....

"Can you please plate 4 granitas?" Oh sure, I'll just stop doing my 3 sinks of dishes
"When you have a moment, can you also clean under here?" A moment?  A MOMENT?!?!?
Oh wait, I just burned myself, run your arm under hot water while you attempt to work on said 3 sinks of dishes.
I just sliced my index finger open on a metal pan and I shouldn't get it wet or it'll never close. Suuuuure.  
"Sorry for getting on you Jody, but can you try not letting the dishes pile up?" THEN STOP MAKING FUCKING DISHES FOR ME TO WASH!!


Said burn...

I gotta tell ya, I hate burns more than anything on this planet.  Hate 'em.  I have no tolerance for them.  For many, many other things... but burns.  And getting burns in a kitchen is the worst place to have them, because you're always surrounded by hot stoves, ovens etc. and that just makes it worse.  I feel for my coworkers; one of them had a real bad one tonight (from previous) and I've seen all their wounds.  My sous chef said, "You're a real chef now" and gives me a nudge and a smile.. lol.  She's cute.  Yeah, I'll say I've made my initiation now.  This was nothing; it was a light burn and nothing compared to what some of them have (but it's always the small ones that hurt the most!).  So I can't complain.


So... I have to wash dishes for up to 3 active cooks, wait staff, and the full dining room of customers... and everyone needs everything at once (frying pans, covers for said pans, cutlery, dishes, glasses, pots and pans, etc etc ad nauseum).  Then at the end of the night when everyone's gone home (except one front end staff who's finishing their night and usually waiting for me, to close up) I have to clean up after my own mess; scrub out the sinks, mop the floor, take out garbage, put last of odds & ends away, what have you.  I'm sweating my ass off at this point because I can't doddle.  As it was, I got out at midnight (not a bad time, considering).

But you know what?  I can't really complain.  I'm in the industry I want to be in and I have to earn my way.  I know that.  And I know there will be bad nights (I just didn't think it'd be so soon.. heh).  I just wanted to vent a bit (so thanks for listening).  ... and I might have put some vodka in my iced tea, as I sit here.  Winding down at the end of the night is difficult and even taking a bath doesn't help (so I'm blogging to you peeps).  Every bone in my body is aching, but it only proves I've worked an honest days' worth, and I'm okay with that.  Shit, I'm telling you, I work half as much at the hospital and make twice as much.  My perspective is suddenly changing.  My PMS doesn't help; there was a point tonight I was crying on the inside.  I just had a hard time with everything.  Oh but hey!  I tried a watermelon (cold) gazpacho soup...and I'm'a'gonna make it :)  It was fabulous.

Anyways, it's 01:00 now and I'm tired as hell.  I think I'm going to attempt sleep and hope I wake up in time for Mass tomorrow.  If not, the good Lord will have to forgive me.

GFR and Dr Wheat Belly

Hey all.  I've just come across this fantastic video via Good Food Revolution (I get their emails) and I really think you should watch it.  Dr. William Davis is a Cardiologist and he found so many benefits from eliminating wheat, or 'modern wheat' from our diets, and in the video he breaks down why it's unhealthy (including rise in obesity and Type II Diabetes since the 80's, etc).  He explains what happens to our bodies and brains with the consumption of wheat, it's Glycemic Index effects and where it rates (and what raises your blood sugar more!).    Thought of you, Bix :)

It's just short of 15 min, but an educational read.  Enjoy!

Dr Wheat Belly

The Weekend in the Big City

I thought I would try to write about last weekend before this weekend came up.

Went to Toronto with a friend to see the Roger Waters concert (Roger Waters performing The Wall, Live).  He performed the entire movie/disc.  It..was..FANTASTIC.  Wow.  Just.. wow.  Love.  Him.  He had an actual wall built, which served both as a screen and of course, pertaining to The Wall, symbolism (it was made out of large cardboard, or some sort of paper) and naturally, it came down at the end.  I was so mad at myself; I forgot my phone in the hotel room (stayed at the Delta Chelsea), so I couldn't take any pictures.  My friend did, though, so I'll grab them from her.  The music was fantastic, the sound was fantastic, Roger Waters doesn't sound any different and HE was fantastic.  You can easily see how much of an anarchist he is.  I couldn't say enough about the show.  It's probably fair to say it was close to being sold out.

So on the way out of the show back to the hotel, we stop at the Fairmont Royal York because I have to use the washroom, I wasn't feeling well.  We notice a wedding is going on (er.. the party afterwards).  Keep in mind this is like.. I don't know.. 11 or so at night.  So we walk up to the board outside the room that lists all the invitees, their table numbers, etc.. and what's the first thing we want to do?  Crash the wedding.  Oh yeah.  We look at each other in contemplation.  "If we weren't wearing jeans," I said.  Totally should have.  Would have made for a great story, getting kicked out of a wedding... AT the Royal York.  Pfft.. besides, they'd be half-pissed at that point, who would've noticed?  :P

We walked everywhere that weekend and I calculated we walked over 20km.  No kidding ("No wonder we were tired," she said).  Indeed.  But, we hit up a few places; The Cookbook Store (for me) and I got to visit my 'ol buddy Tom at the army surplus (we used to work together).  I got to show her Queen St. W. Sunday, so we walked there.  We walked down Queen as far as Niagara St (w of Bathurst) and we hit a restaurant, Edulis, that was suggested to me by my (restaurant) boss.  Please, if you're in the area and you can afford to go... go.  It's a really cute place with fantastic people and a fantastic menu (French, Spanish influence).  We walked back via King and hit up MEC; I haven't been in YEARS.  Felt really good to be in again, though we didn't get far as it wasn't my friend's kind of store.  As it was, she rushed me to choose a pack I was looking over (later purchased; so glad).  We wanted to hit up the ROM or AGO, but we were running out of money.  Keep in mind we were in Toronto for 2 full days; that's a lot of eating out.  

All in all it was a good weekend, but it was nice to be home.  I like visiting the city, but I'm usually just as happy to leave.

So.. it's going to heat up today and over the weekend.  I hope you keep cool.  Do you have any Canada Day plans?  I don't have much planned for the weekend at all.  Hit me up.

Oi!  Did all you local yokels know about Market being open for a trial period on Wednesday nights (3-7?).  Not as many vendors, but the essentials are there and it's nice not to have the crowds.

Oh, everything at the restaurant is going well!  It's foreign to work in a place where you're a) well-liked and b) appreciated.  I love the busy-ness, the energy.  Sorry I haven't been updating, but things have been hella busy.  It's an adjustment for me working two jobs, especially when they're at opposite hours.  On a good note?  I've already been offered full-time in the fall :)  There are pros and cons with it and I'm not going to make any rush decisions.  We'll see how the summer goes.

Stay cool, cats.

Quotes

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
~ Shakespeare, with Hamlet


Thanks LR ;)

A Topic of Interest

So.. I've always had an interest in Palliative Care; I just haven't been able to volunteer with one (busy, travelling being challenging, yada yada yada).  Anyways, I came across this article.  It may or may not be of interest to you, you'll be able to judge by the title.  If you think it is, please take a couple of minutes to look it over.  I thought it was a great read and I was smiling by the end.

See article, What Are Hospice Patients Asking of Chaplains?

Will write more about the restaurant later :)

"Yes, Chef!"

Okay, so I haven't been able to shout the inevitable words, "YES, CHEF!" yet, but it'll come.  I mean, I'm just a dishwasher; they don't have much need for me.  Yet.

The shift went very well.  I was told, "You kicked it" among other various accolades by the end of the night.  Right on.  Cause dude.. I fell behind a couple times (more than a couple).  I have a very small space to process a very large amount of dishes.  Keep in mind I'm working *in* the kitchen with everyone else - which means I'm surrounded by heat, fast movements and a lot of noise.  And I have to put away these dishes *while* they're working, dancing around them to get in and out to put something in place.  It's crazy.  Sometimes I couldn't get in to put things away and they had to pile up a bit.  #OCD

The people were fantastic and welcomed me on whole-heartedly.  We joked around a lot and they were completely open about letting me ask questions about what they were doing or letting me watch for a minute (at one point the executive chef was carving a veal heart - *so* interesting to watch, but I never got to ask what parts are served, go where, how prepared, etc.  Not my cup of tea, but interesting, nonetheless.).  And I was also served and offered absolutely fantastic food :)

Now, having said all that, I also have been forced very quickly to step out of my comfort zone (which, of course, is never comfortable).  I'm soft spoken by nature, but you can't survive like that in a restaurant kitchen.  If you don't tell someone, "Walking behind!", you or them are liable to get face-planted on a 500-degree burner and/or hotplate and/or open flame.  Not my idea of a good time.  The heat radiating off these surfaces is intense, just walking by.  So in the name of safety, for my protection and those around me, I got very used to, very quickly saying, "Behind!".  Also, there were times I had to re-direct dishes (from the servers, post-dinner consumption; when I have pans and hot items in the sink, we don't want dinner plates etc in there) and I had to tell them after a while to put them to the side.  I was letting them ALL pile up until someone suggested otherwise.

I did minor food prep and did plate a few desserts.  Easy.

I came home with an aching body.  I could barely move.  My feet sore, my hands aching from grabbing so many items.  I hadn't eaten in hours.  And I was absolutely giddy.  Despite the craziness, feeling a bit out of sorts because it was a new environment... I felt comfortable.  If I wasn't watching, I was listening.  After a while I could feel the flow and have an idea what would be called when (for pickup).  When I came home, I crashed.  Heck, I don't even think I remembered to brush my teeth last night.  I had a spoonful or two of yogurt and went to bed.  Random side note; do you know how depressing it is to come home to a fridge filled with a) barely anything and b) less-than-stellar items after spending a few hours surrounded by French cuisine?  I just stood at the fridge, door open and went, "Ugh."  Closed it and walked away.  I think I fell asleep before 1am.

I'm going to bake today; I've got some bananas to use up, so making bread.  I can't complain too much about my state today; my body is a bit sore, but not much.  Not used to all the work (I work hard at the hospital, but it's a different kind of work).  My feet on the other hand...sore.  I have a sensitive left ankle and I really should get orthotics.  Maybe someday when I get more money.

I'm back Friday and officially on staff :)

Anyways, I'm rambling.  Sorry.  Thanks for listening.  Wish me luck Friday - I'm going to have twice the amount of dishes and not a place to put them! :)

Random Bits

Details have been ironed out and the first shift will be Wed., not Tues. Wish me luck!

The apartment was reading 85 this afternoon so I gave in and put in the A/C.  When it gets that hot, I concede defeat and stop suffering.  I'm trying it in the living room this time (vs my bedroom).  I thought I would lose a bit of light, but it's not too bad, actually.  I have lost plant space and that makes me a bit sad, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  Besides, A/C means baking can happen!

We're done choir for the season now and will start back up in September.  We were told what pieces we're singing for Christmas and Easter though, and I'm ecstatic.  Christmas will be O Magnum Mysterium and Easter will be Allegri's Miserere.  So.  Excited.  I'm really going to have to get vocal lessons (as planned) if I'm going to sing those, geez.  On Sunday as a send-off we sang Ave Verum Corpus.  It's pretty.  Listen, if you feel so inclined.  The two previous pieces will be challenging at best.  A lot of work.

I've joined a committee at work; the Senior Friendly Hospital committee.  Trying to make our hospital, of course, more senior friendly.  June is our blitz month but we'll keep having meetings through the summer and do another push in the fall.  I guess it's lining up with other LHIN's in the system.  We'll even be converting a patient room to make it senior friendly.  When seniors enter hospital they often go on a downward spiral, instead of up.  We need to reassert their independence and get them on their way.  Hospitals are holding tanks for seniors waiting for long term care, and in that wait they often get worse, taxing an already taxed system.  We aren't ready for it.  We will be in time, though, through slow conversion.  

Well, best be off.  Due for dinner at a friend's, who does some pretty damn good BBQing, if I do say so myself.  

Stay cool, cats.

A New Beginning

I got a new job today!!

I was introduced (it's a long story how and through who; a couple people, in fact) to a kitchen manager of an upscale French restaurant in town that conveniently just relocated around the corner from me - literally a few steps.  We were introduced yesterday but agreed to meet to sit and talk today.  It was maybe a 10-15 minute conversation.  It all happened very fast.  We're doing a trial shift Tuesday and if that goes well I'll have my first real shift Friday night (as it happens, they're short and need the extra body).  I was shown the kitchen and she thinks she'll put me on once a week for now.  It's perfect because I don't want to get inundated too quickly also having the hospital job.

The owner also popped in and out of conversation and at one point asked me flat out, "Are you crazy?".... pauses, with a fairly straight face I might add.... "Only crazy people get in the business." And I answered back with direct eye contact, also a straight face (and a tinge of smile), "Yes."  :)

This man has learned and worked in Michelin-rated restaurants in Toronto, Montreal, the U.S and Europe.  Hell yeah I wanna learn from him.

So when I left I was pretty damn excited.  I might have shed a tear or two (happy tears) and when I got home I might have belted out a song... and maybe.. just maybe.. I might have screamed an emphatic, "Thank you, Jesus!" à la Sheldon Cooper :)  *THIS* starts my restaurant and food career.  Finally.

*sighs contently*

All Is Well

Made it to the dentist today for the permanent filling.  All is well.  Now I just owe them the remainder of the bill :/

Going to sit back with dinner soon, and a beer (this one's for you, EL EW) ;) and throw on An Affair to Remember (1957, Cary Grant, Deborah Kerr).

Hope your week is going well!

Quotes

"My mother told me never to enter a man's room when a month that ends in 'r'."
~ An Affair To Remember

Quotes

Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyways.
~ To Kill A Mockingbird

Lived To Tell the Tale

.. oh let me be dramatic (title)  :P

It went well!  Well, I guess, as far as root canals go.  It's a very interesting process (which I won't divulge here in case some are squeamish, but don't hesitate to ask).  We had minor complications, but nothing that wasn't resolvable.  I'm a bit in pain, but I've stocked up on painkillers so it's tolerable (ES Tylenol and Advil; Codeine and I are not friends); also so I won't have problems falling asleep tonight (work in the a.m) cause I'm afraid it's enough pain that it might wake me mid-night *shrug*  Anyways, all is well and had no reaction to the freezing (if you don't know the story, the last time I had freezing many years ago (different dentist) there was epinephrine in the anesthetic.  Well, he hit a blood vessel and it shot through my entire body.  Tachycardia ensued and my face went puffy and red, etc. It was. not. fun.).  The dentist today didn't rush, (used an epinephrine block AFTER the first shot), was very thorough and took her time.  Even had a sense of humour to boot ;)  I have a temporary filling in (not sure the reason for the temp) and go back next week for the permanent (is this normal?).  Tired as well and will go to bed early.  Woot.

Buahaha.. I was waiting for the bus and went to put my earbuds in to listen to music and my ear was frozen.. lol.  That was weird.

Anyways, just wanted to give y'all an update and let you know how it went.

Opinions

Also, read this... Where Would We Be Without Bees

Club 33

So who knew?  Walt Disney built a secret club/restaurant in the Walt Disney park.  Quite a read, and pictures, too!  Hope you've got a few $$$....

Walt's Club 33.

I've Had Better Saturdays....

Hello Darlings.

To tell you I'm sitting with a scotch gives you an idea of how wonderful my day's been.  I didn't write that last line with a straight face; I sort of snorted :)  And hell, it's only 2 in the afternoon!

I left a message with my dentist yesterday (FYI - if you're local, don't have dental problems on a Friday; almost the entire damn city is closed of dentists.  While they're hitting the golf course or the cottage, I'm sitting in panic and agony, but I'm not bitter.).  They called me first thing this morning when they opened and we settled on a time for 11:30 this morning.  Thing is... it was last minute and we had to find coverage for me *last minute* during *lunch delivery*.  No pressure.  You can't just make changes to personnel during meal delivery in a hospital which can, at the best of times, be run like clockwork, and expect no upsets.  But.. they pulled it off.  If it's one thing I have to say about the team I work with...I don't always love them and some of them I damn well avoid, but boy do we pull together when we have to.  I'll give 'em that.  So we found coverage for me and I left early, getting half a shift in.

Got to the dentist's office and they took a look-see (and an x-ray, which almost had me in tears {small mouth, cuts into gums}) and they showed me why it's causing me discomfort.  Fair enough.  They are SUPER nice (and gentle) there.  Anyways, after some discussion and quotes, we decided I'm going to do a root canal (vs extraction) this coming Wednesday morning.  I really, really wasn't looking forward to having the tooth pulled because it's closer to the front and I'd have been very self-conscious about it.  In fact, I was having anxiety about parting with it at all (silly?).  Little did I know that after some paying ahead (to show good faith) and a bit of discussion about payment plans, the root canal is affordable.. and yay!  I get to keep my tooth!  I'm so happy!  Phew.

I'm going to go off on a tangent for a sec.  So I asked the girl while discussing $$$, how long I might be out of commission for a root canal.  She said I wouldn't be.  I looked at her funny and I'm like, "Come on...".  She said these days there's enough advancements that she had one guy in once who had TWO done and he left and went back to work!  Pfft, "Shut up!" I said (in a light-hearted, joking manner, of course.  Tone is lost here.).  She confirmed it.  Okay, now the pain after can't be all that good, but I suppose there's pain killers for that.  Anyways.. they didn't make a big deal of it and it seems to not be an issue.  I'm having flashbacks of a Doctor Who episode where one of the characters in Season One, when they were visiting a planet in the very far future (the last day of Earth) and he gets something implanted in his head.  He's expecting for it to be painful and not do well, but the lady (alien?) reassured him that he'd only be out for half an hour and wouldn't feel a thing.  Now, I'm not sure I'd want my forehead to open up to receive all the data/news of the world, but... maybe we're getting close, aye?

Picked up a prescription for antibiotics at the pharmacy and the pharmacist was SO nice.  I found him to have a very calming effect.  And here I am (with my scotch. Oooh.. in hindsight, I suppose I shouldn't be having while I'm medicated.  Oops.).  Anyways, I might go to Mass tonight.  Albeit tired and spent, it might be good for the soul.  Then I shall bake!  A Thank-You to my co-workers.

So I'm gonna rest now, and maybe read a bit, then go out.  I hope your Saturday is better than mine! :)  Sorry... I've really rambled today.  If you've read this far, I love you :)  You have quite the patience (or tolerance, however you look at it) and I appreciate any good thoughts you can send my way.  I'll be a bit anxious for Wednesday, but looking forward to having it over with.

Enjoy your weekend! :)

**edited for shitty spelling/grammar (what's wrong with me?!)

Dying

Okay, "dying" might be an exaggeration.  I'm pretty damn uncomfortable, though.  I've got a hella high pain tolerance, but not with teeth.  Not at all (Hydra, I know you share my 'pain'..ha, no pun intended).  I might see if I can get it pulled tomorrow; I'm not sure I can last the entire weekend (until a day off).

I hit up Employee Health today and they gave me a couple of T1's through the day.. which made me freakishly dizzy (and nauseous); repeatedly.  That was crazy and I'm not sure I'll use those again.  Who knew.  So I went out with CZ and we ran a few errands, one of which was to talk to a pharmacist and get me some meds.  He suggested alternating between Tylenol and Advil, and I'll do so.  Coincidentally, we also found a homeopathic remedy at the grocery store that I found also worked.. but will try more just in case.  So right now I'm sitting and having a beer and trying to de-stress.

Anyways, that's my whining for today.  I'm gonna go chill before bed, and maybe get to it a bit early.  It's been a long day.

Random

Better night at work than yesterday.
Back tomorrow first thing in the morning.
Bad dizzy spells today (almost fell over!)
Sore tooth; might have to get pulled sooner than later.
Don't know if I'll be able to make it to party tomorrow.
Work all weekend.
It's hot.  I dislike my apartment.  Though not unbearable.
I'm going to bed with my book.

Random

Bleh.  I had a bad day at work (we thought I was cursed) and came home, had a light, quick nap, ran a couple errands, came home, had a small glass of scotch.  You know things aren't good if I'm bringin' out the scotch (not to imply "end of the world" bad, just "I'm irritated and I can't take a single thing more" bad).  If it was "end of the world bad" I'd be kickin' back a lot more than scotch ;)

Chilled out, watched Chasing Amy, which lightened my mood a bit.  Many minor irritations were had before, and I started to have thoughts and flashbacks from last night's conversation with my mother.  I think about it and I get angry.  But my anger goes beyond the phone call.  The anger goes back 20 years and I'm dealing with a lot of inner shit I really don't care to.  The worst thing is the anger won't go away overnight.  It won't be solved with one lightbulb moment...and *that's* what makes me angry.  The past I can separate from; it's wanting it off my coattails, unable to kick it off that the frustration comes in.  It's a lingering ghost that's overstaying his welcome.

Well, it's a good thing it's bedtime.  There will always be time to battle more demons tomorrow.

Can you believe the week is almost over?  Where did it go?

Party Girl

Well, last night was fun.  A friend of mine was going to a birthday BBQ and asked if I'd want to come, so we went around 5 and stayed until 9 or 10 or so.  I wasn't knowing anyone going in, except for my friend, but while we were sitting out on the patio it occurred to me I'd met met a couple of them before.  So we got talking and they'd also thought I was familiar.  We just couldn't place where we'd seen each other before!  Anyways, my friend and I kicked back a large bottle of wine and I got a bit burnt.  Thankfully I put sunscreen on my arms before we left.  I got burnt (pink, not painful) on my arms, feet, chest and face.  Nothing that's bothering me much today though, thank God.  A bit pink in some spots, but not much.  It was nice to get out, relax and have a few laughs.

Not much planned for today.  Church, then... maybe tidy up at home.  Go through my books and decide on something to bake.  It seems there's a ton of stuff for me to get caught up on.

Happy Sunday.  Hope you're having a great weekend!

P.S - I got no call to be tour guide :(  /cryptic

Life And Death

Made it to the funeral this morning; we'll call him E.M.  It was really the first full Catholic Mass funeral I'd been to/participated in (there was one a long time ago but it's a long story and I was still new to the faith).  Where I've been used to funerals being celebrated in dole old funeral homes (I grew up United), ours are celebrated at church.  A fitting place, I think.  I found the Catholic funeral to be.. comprehensive.  I liked it.  A lot more involved, of course, than the funerals I am used to, but not in a burdensome way, just... different.

I'm sure I'd mentioned at some point about my "very good" containment of emotions; at funerals as a child (I went to so many), I never cried.  I'd always saved that for later, if at all, outside public gatherings.  I'd well up, sure, but nothing exagerant.  The last funeral I'd been to, if I remember, was my (maternal) grandma's.  That was quite some time ago.  I remember it a bit.  Don't think I was too emotional for that one, either.  But I cried for E. today.  He was a man that lived the Faith by example and Father coined his words about him perfectly (after reading the Beatitudes, so fitting for E.); what he did, he did in the background.  The Faith was so much about who he was and he involved himself in so many things, helping so many people.  Never needing recognition (although he received it), but because that's what you do - love your fellow man.  He's one of those people you can't say anything bad about; there just wasn't anything bad to say.  He had a good heart.  He was one of the first people I got to know and he was an instrument in encouraging my Faith in the Church (he helped teach my RCIA class) so he was among the handful of special ones for me.  God love him, and may he rest in peace now with our Lord.

It's natural to sit there and think about your own mortality, perhaps giving you a sober look into your current life.  What would they say at my funeral?  Am I living my life the best way I know how?  Am I being a positive contributor? etc, etc.  Surprisingly, I'm satisfied with some (though not all) of my own answers, but there's always room for improvement, right?  That's what growth is all about.

Anyways, enough sadness.  The rest of the day shall be celebrating life.  I may be getting together with friends this evening (hopefully) and I'm looking forward to that.  If not, well, I'll find a way to be productive somehow.

It's the long weekend here and a time to relax.  I hope you're having a great start to the weekend.  Spend it with family, friends.. or maybe you have a garden to tend to?  BBQ's to go to?  In any case, be safe.  And wear sunscreen! :)

Full of Random

I feel like I haven't written in forever.  More importantly, I feel like I have so much to say... I'm just too tired to say it all.  It's one thing to feel physically tired all the time, but mentally?  That's not cool.  Not cool at all.  I'd publish some fleeting thoughts, but I don't even have the energy to sort out what's in my head.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I will leave this fleeting thought...

...Even when I feel the shittiest, I'm shown that people care and I'm important to them.  I hope I can get enough out of my funk to see the effort they're putting forth.

It's been a busy week and I don't want to be around anyone anymore.  Nothing personal, I just need some 'me' time to regroup, and I'm not going to get any for a couple days.  Ba humbug.

I juiced today for the first time.  Love it.  Maybe someday I can invest in a juicer of my own.

Have a funeral Saturday morning to go to.  I'm sad.  This man was from our church and one of the first people I got to know when I converted.  A very sweet man.  He will be missed.

I hope to be playing tour guide this weekend, but I've received no call yet.    /cryptic

Okay, I'm done.  Sorry so random, but I'll try and post more later.  Week's almost over!

Quotes?

Why is it, "When it rains, it pours"?  Why can't it be, "When it rains, it just sort of trickles for a while and then it clears up."?

Sad Face

I shouldn't be writing, I'm not in the greatest of moods.  I've taken quite a beating today, twice to be exact, and I'm about done.

I was flipping through the local paper and in the back where the obituaries are listed, which I'll usually scan because I'll see patient's names.  Today I saw two.  And I cried.  Today marks the first day I cried for one of my patients.  It took almost 4.5 years.  I'm not sure why now; their age struck me most.  They're young, in their 50's and 60's.  My interactions with them were brief, but I'd try to speak to them when delivering their meal all the same, taking a minute or two regardless of my rush, to try to connect.  For their sake more than mine I'd tell myself, but perhaps it's me it has affected more.  Then I start having a hundred questions run thought my head, "Was I enough?" "Did my small interaction help them feel comforted, acknowledged, important?"  "Am I doing enough to be an instrument in His plan?"  Not because I'm looking to feed my pride, but because I wanted their stay and their comfort the best it could be in that situation.  Some days I get frustrated, some days I get 'I-don't-care-ish', and I hope that was never transferred to them.  I do my best to leave my, 'I'm-having-a-shitty-day-and-I-hate-my-job' mentality at the door (before I walk in their room).  They don't need to know I'm unhappy, so on the smile goes.  Anyways, I won't go on; perhaps that was an attempt at self-consolation.

So, I'll be taking it easy tonight.  My new-found Doctor Who fascination will have to wait and I'll watch him tomorrow instead.  Today I'm gonna chill and do some self-care.

Quotes

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
~ Louis B. Smedes

Good Morning, Internets

I thought it would be a good morning for a walk, so off I went.  I think I was out for a good 30-45 min or so (2.5km per my phone app).  I went without a sweater, in just my t-shirt.  It was warm, but there's a dampness to the air that gives that slight cold chill on your arms (easily forgotten once you get walking, of course); an indication that the weather predictions for the day may indeed come true and we'll get a downpour of rain sometime this afternoon.  I walked the neighbourhood and I look at the houses... everyone was partaking in their usual morning routine - taking out the garbage, getting in the car to go to work or maybe run errands, walking the kids to school.  I had a different life set out for myself, you know.  I envisioned myself living in one of these large, turn of the century homes, the husband, the career, the luxury car.  Funny how life happens and you look and suddenly you see you have none of those things.  Okay, maybe some of you do, but I sure as hell don't.  I live in a turn of the century apartment building, no car, not much of a career to speak of and definitely no husband.  To look over the last 20 years since I've had that dream would be moot and unproductive (nor necessary).  Anyways, life happens and priorities change.  Although I still "want" the large Victorian home, the husband, the luxury car, the career.. I don't "need" them to that level.  I need a roof over my head in a home that brings me peace (regardless of it's size and shape), the husband will come when he's the right one, the career is in current order and the car, well, someday :)  I can't *not* feel blessed where life has taken me and exposed me to some of the best friends a girl can have.  Sure, I went down the beaten path, but I have faith it'll all work out and things will come together as they should.  Someday.  I hope.

:P

Quotes

I saw this in someone's status today.  It made me giggle.

A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.

*snicker*

The (Laundry) Saga Continues...

I hate everybody.

Yup, it's that kind of day.  Okay, it won't be that kind of day for long cause I'm going out for dinner with my parents tonight, but let me whine a little....

I went to the hair salon downstairs and they vow they don't use any chemicals that would dis-colour my clothes like that (almost bleach-like appearance).  Anything they do use (highlights) aren't like they used to be in the 'old days' and most of it would be rinsed out anyways prior to towel use.  She also said nothing else they use (spa wise) wouldn't cause that sort of damage (though if it did, she said, she wouldn't be able to tell because their towels are white and my clothes are dark).

So... feck.  Someone's using something in the machine they shouldn't.  And it's REALLY pissing me off.  And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Sigh.