New Book

Wanted to let y'all know, for those that are interested, I got a new book today (discounted, thank you).  


"The Fate of Family Farming - Variations on an American Idea"


The book files itself under Agriculture/American History.  Looks interesting.  I'll keep you posted how it is :)

Business Idea

We were at work the other day.  Christmas Day, I believe.  My co-workers (2 others) and I wrapping cutlery (for meal trays) and I was talking about the baking I did for the holidays.  My one colleague, a student, says that I could "totally" teach her how to bake.  She admits she's pretty clueless (after speaking to her about some baking methods I realized the poor dear wasn't lying).  Which turned into how I could "totally" teach others to bake and turn it into a side business.  I could teach students, guys who wanted to impress their girlfriends, and so on, and so on.

After some discussion and thought, it just might not be a bad idea.  The problem would be how to figure out what to charge.  I could have it at my place since I'd have all the accessories/supplies needed (I have no car to travel around) and basic ingredients.   Would I have them bring additional/special ingredients needed?  Would I get them and charge more?  I don't want this to be complicated, but I do need to figure out details.

Anyways, I'm sending it out to the interwebs to hear your thoughts.  What do you think?  Be honest.  You won't be offending me :)  Things you think I should, or shouldn't do?

Thanks!

It's Over

It's finally over.

I've been fighting a bug.  I don't know what kind of 'bug', but something irritating, nonetheless.  It's making me dead tired.  I'm keeping up on rest, my echinacea & goldenseal tincture and Vitamin C.

Work was nice and quiet tonight.  I wore my Santa hat and earrings shaped like red ornament balls.  They went over well :)  I thought it must suck to be a patient at Christmas, so anything to brighten someone's day.  We got a free meal at work tonight; turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies, the works.  Even dessert.  Yum.

Well, I'm really tired and this thing is kicking my butt, so I'm gonna get to bed soon.  Attention span isn't too long right now, anyways :)

I hope everyone had a great Christmas, however you celebrate it and that it was with people you love.

Babu

Thought I would post a couple pics of Babu again.

In this one, it shows his love for fresh laundry.  He'll do everything to bury himself under a pile and sleep for *hours*.

This next one is him burying himself under the covers.

He'll do that once in a while if he's cold.

Christmas Eve

Today is good.

Babu has treats in his belly.  He's also very clingy and very vocal today for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I went out for errands and got another treat to sneak into someone's gift.  I stayed away from popular stores and their lineups.  I'm back home chillaxin' now, just taking it easy until tonight.  I might sit back and do some reading, or maybe clean up a bit.

Heading to friends, instead, for dinner and the evening.  My sister and I decided it was okay for me to stay here and we'll get together soon another day.  And I may not go to Midnight Mass.  I think I'll be going to the 8pm one instead.  I'm coming down with something (dead tired because of it) and I don't want to be too late getting to bed.  Hence the relaxing this afternoon.

Wishing everyone a blessed Christmas :)

Calming Down

Well, the 'rush' of this time of year is starting to settle down.  I braved the mall today and managed to walk out without killing anyone.  I'm an introvert and I have a slight case of social anxiety (if too many people get too close, I get a little batty.  Can't do crowds like I used to.  Not to mention my agoraphobia).  Baking is done, finally.  I made cookies, butter tarts and dark chocolate rum truffles (which are VERY chocolaty).  Yum.  Tills, when I drop off your movie/book sometime, I'll bring some for you (if there's any left over *snicker*).

There's just social/family visits to arrange now.  Since family Christmas is postponed, I have the option of getting together with my sister, but she's an hour and some away.  I don't know if all transit is sold out for this time of year or not.  Looking into making those arrangements, or not going at all.

If I don't go, there's another place I can go Christmas Eve; a friend who's been like a third family to me.  So either way, I shouldn't be alone.  God willing.

Well, off to work I go.  Hope everyone is well.

Website

I'd like to share with you a blog I've recently started following.  I LOVE her photography.  Please visit Olivia over at parvum opus. I find her work quite serene.

Prayers Answered

Well, my 'prayer' came yesterday.  I knew it would.  And although I was happy (what a wonderful Christmas gift!), as you read before I was also very anxious.  The 'prayer' and I talked, and yelled, and cried (okay, this part was just me), and cuddled.  Talked a bit more.  Sat in comfortable, peaceful silence.  The 'prayer' was called away in the middle of the night due to a close family member being admitted to hospital, nevermind the funeral they were already attending today for other family members (that's right, you read plural).

My instincts are kicking in and telling me all bunches of stuff but I'm unsure how to filter it yet.  I don't have visions with this yet, just feelings.  Have you ever been so tied with someone that you know what's happening to them?  That's what this is.  And it's frustrating.

In other random babble, I can't wait for Christmas to pass.  I haven't been this busy and discombobulated for months.  In an effort to displace said discombobulated energy, I'm going to bake tonight.  Dark chocolate rum truffles, anyone?  :)

Calling Hydra!

Hydra.. email me please :) I looked on your profile and couldn't find a way to contact you. Thanks :)

It's Official

That's it.. my brain is going to explode.

I would write more but I have too many nerves to deal with more than one thing at a time right now.

Babble

Well, how's everyone's week going? We're almost done.

I've got one more day to go at work then I'm off for 3 days. Something big has come up this weekend and I'm slightly full of nerves. Happy, but anxious. Best not to worry about 'what if' and just focus on the positive, which there has the potential to be lots of.

Work was weird tonight. Great, I mean, cause it was dead quiet. I was on the 5th floor (which I hadn't been on in months, I was afraid I was forgetting parts of the routine) and I ended up twiddling my thumbs. It was fantastic.

I finally have some official Christmas plans. I'm very excited. I get to spend it with my family Christmas Eve. I don't get to see this side of the family as often as I'd like so I'm very, very happy. My sister will be picking me up along the way. I'm sure people will be drinking so I won't be going that night. Looks like I'll be getting to know the couch. It's all good.

Money, it seems, is disappearing into an invisible vortex. Honestly, where does it all go? Ugh.

Well, I'd better change out of my scrubs and into something comfy, pop in a movie and do some knitting :)

Holiday Malaise and Other Miscellany

There hasn't been much "holiday" celebrating or festivities (though it is still early) so I've been a little.. well.. not in the mood much still. I hate that I'm starting to hate Christmas because I used to love it so much. I've been feeling very lonely. Yes, I know, being a Christian (a Catholic, at that) I should be all geared up about Jesus and religious symbolism... blah blah blah, but I just... can't. Don't get me wrong, I am more of an inward religious person, if you will. I love my faith and I practice a lot of things privately, but this particular holiday is a lot about family and gatherings and spending it with the one you love. It's not a holiday for single folk. Meh. Sorry to be a downer. I'll save you from my babble.

Work is going interesting. I've learned a new routine, recently and I'm still getting used to it. It's different than the other two floors I've worked on. Much different. I only spend half of the shift upstairs and the other half downstairs in the kitchen prepping for the next day (and unluckily for me, it involves working in a -20 C walk-in freezer for 15 minutes). I think I like the routine it's just hard to get used to; I haven't found my "groove" yet. I'll be training someone new in a few days on one of the other floors. I'm a little anxious about doing a really good job because I haven't trained anyone in this job yet (other jobs, but not this one).

Oh, finished reading Animal Farm; a very interesting book about human behaviour. It's funny that we end up creating the exact thing we fear in the first place.

I made my very first lasagna the other night. I know, sacrilege. I couldn't believe how easy it was. And yummy!! But then I remembered I'm still a little lactose-intolerant and I had an entire dish of lasagna to go through. As it was, the first night I had a large piece and got very sick. I'm still not used to this whole.. being lactose-intolerant thing. What can I say? I love dairy! *sigh* (So I've been going through it very slowly.)

I still need to finish some Christmas cards. Yes, late. Don't judge.

Well, the cat has decided to have a nap and I think I'm ready for a tea. A little tired today so I might go to bed early. Doesn't look like Brothers & Sisters is on tonight. Ooh.. maybe I'll have a bath.

I hope everyone had a good weekend :)

Plug

Last year I had a nice space heater. It was bought for me at my previous house by my previous landlord. It wasn't old, come last year, maybe 2-3 years old, if that. When I was cleaning last year, I came across the outlet it was plugged into. I panicked when I saw what it'd done. I damn near burnt down my apartment building. I would have felt a little bad about that. Did I go to the manufacturer? No. Should I have? Yes. But I was so worried that I took it out of the apartment and heaved it in the dumpster bin immediately. This is what I saw....

(Sorry, taken with phone again, quality poor)

Thanks!

Just wanted to say thanks to you guys to getting readership numbers up past 1,000. I know it's not much compared to so many but it means something to me, so THANK YOU :)

Growth

I have been learning assertiveness nearly on a daily basis lately. I've had a lot of personal stuff go on the past few days and I remind myself constantly to continue to stand up for what I believe I deserve. It's empowering. It's also kind of funny (to me, anyways). I've always been a very strongly independent person, always doing my own thing and it just seems kind of funny that after so many years there is still room for growth (I know this is rhetorical, but making a point). I've almost gotten tired of 'growing' lately (it's emotionally exhausting) but I know it's for a good cause. I'm a better person because of it. I just view it a little differently. They tell us we "find ourselves" and learn to assert ourselves in our 20's. You start to really define who you are. Then I was told in my 30's you're comfortable with who you are and you get to enjoy life more. I felt that more at 30 than I do now. I almost feel I'm still learning and it's my 20's all over again. I know we learn lessons at a time for a reason (and when we're ready for them) and I need to keep reminding myself of this.

Spelt

I experimented with spelt flour this morning. I'd like to incorporate it more into my cooking/baking. I did some reading before using it and it doesn't rise like regular white flour (it's more soluble) so to use less liquid. When my pancake recipe called for 1 cup of milk, I used 3/4c and I could have still gotten away with less. They weren't "big, fluffy" pancakes, but they were definitely still good (also made with cane sugar and vanilla from the Dominican Republic). I've included a picture (sorry, terrible quality. I wasn't bringing out the regular camera, so I used my phone, which was handy and nearby).

Spelt, by nutritional standards, has higher protein levels than regular white wheat varieties. It's also richer in B vitamins and fiber. They say the carbohydrates in spelt are helpful in enhancing the immune system (something we can always use) and helps to clot blood. It's been around for thousands of years; believed to be started in the Eastern Europe/Southwest Asia border. It became much more popular in Europe around 2500 B.C., then common in Britain around 500 B.C. It came to the United States late, around the 1890's but was replaced by bread wheat in the 20th century. Organic farmers are helping it make a comeback today due to its nutritional content.

Have you used spelt before? What were your results?

Relaxed

I sit with a glass of wine watching The Bishop's Wife (perhaps only a select few of you would be familiar with this movie). I have yet to add The Bells of St. Mary's to my collection. I'm sure there's another one I'm forgetting.

The constant go, go, go of the past couple days has subsided. I've kept things quiet today; no TV or radio and I've done nothing but study. My studies for the current course is done and I'm off for the rest of the year (until I pick up 2 more courses in January). So I've relaxed with dinner. Just leftovers. I still have tomorrow off with no plans. I'd like to go for a walk if it's decent out.

I guess I don't have much to write about tonight. A few things stirring in my head, that shall remain there. Hope you've had a good start to the week.

Not Enough Hours in the Day

I'm trying not to panic. Yes, we all know panic solves nothing, but this is what I do.

In about 24 hrs I have to have this place spic-and-span clean. Spotless. I'm having a PartyLite candle party tomorrow and though the numbers attending are few and they all know me and that I shouldn't be worried how my place looks, I worry anyways. I don't know when I'll find the time to clean. I've picked up a shift for tonight (that I didn't really want, though I suppose I'll be happy when the paycheque comes in). So I don't have all day to clean today, like I would have originally. And I kinda need the 'all day' mentality to clean, or I feel rushed, then I don't feel like doing it (I didn't say I made any sense). So then I'll be rushed tomorrow morning to clean pre-party, and that's okay but it's a different sort of rushed. And that means I won't be able to attend Mass (originally planned for tonight) because I have to work, and now clean. Bah! I'm pissed because it's been two weeks and this is the first week of Advent, so I really should go. I'm going to sacrifice it, though, and clean instead. Careful. I know I lead a pretty exciting life. You're envious right now, aren't you.

And I know I was made to work today because hot deaf guy is going to be with his mom at the hospital today (well, God-willing) and the universe is going to make me ask him out myself, since all attempts the past week have been fruitless. I've also added this on my stress-o-meter.

Today might finally be winter coat day. It's getting chilly enough that my layers just aren't doing it anymore. At a brisk 2C (37 F for my American friends) , who can blame me? What? I should have had it on a while ago? Naw.. it's been great weather till now.

I dreamed that I had a had a dream, last night. In the dream-dream a friend passed away. I was very upset! Then I woke up from that dream and realized (in the other dream) it was a lesson/message. An interesting one now in consciousness that I can't see the connection, but I digress. I know this makes no sense to you. I'm babbling because I'm nervous about tonight and well...*looking around the apartment*... I'd better start that cleaning.

A Few Things...

Thing the first: I got 2 tests back for the second course I'm on. 90% on both! :)

Thing the second: I did it. I wrote the email I didn't want to write and I dealt with everything. Something tells me it's not over, but I took that big step, I'm at peace with it and that's what matters.

Thing the third: Hot deaf guy has not been in touch. His mom hasn't been in the past couple days, so I don't know what's going on. I hope she comes in soon so we can talk.

Thing the fourth: Paxil sucks. Let me tell you the minor repercussions I've had from taking said medication. I know I told you it didn't affect me mentally. Well guess what, I lied. I now have the attention span of a gnat. If I don't comprehend something in the first 5 seconds, I move on. It's almost made me a sort of ADD, though very minor if there was ever a comparison. If I'm studying I'll make myself study for x-amount of time, even though I want to get up and leave it because I don't get something. It's like exercise, right? You gotta push yourself to get to the 100 crunches.

Thing the fifth: What a great night for TV. First a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was on, and now Band of Brothers. Fantastic.

Hmm.. I thought I had something else to say, but my memory eludes me. It's almost Friday. Woo!

Later Edit: I'm off the Paxil. Have been for a couple weeks. This is the after-effects.

Procrastinating the Inevitable

I don't really have anything to say today. I don't know why I opened it up for a new post. Well, I do know. I'm procrastinating. I know I have to do something and I'm trying to do everything to not do it.

I have to practice what I preach. I've been avoiding sending out an email the past couple days because I don't want to talk about what's bothering me with this person, and that we can no longer have the status level of relationship/friendship we have now. We can have one, but not, as I said, to that level. And I know I need to talk to this person and not avoid it or (wishfully) let it fade away, I have to confront.

It's funny because I'd jump at the chance to confront someone about something. Back in the day, anyways. I like to push things. But it seems the older I get, the less drama I wish to attract. I just want to start living life peacefully.

So to be peaceful, I have to be honest and live authentically. Onward I go....

Website

Ha! Well if you ever doubt sugar was any good for you, you now have this list to tell you *why* it's bad for you. Quite comprehensive, if you ask me. I was impressed.

Sad News

I got word cancer guy passed away this morning. I was forwarded to his blog (written by his wife the past few weeks since he couldn't) from someone else who knew of him. I would love to show you the link to the blog but it gives our city and I don't want to publish that (for my safety, heh, not his). But I can tell you about him. I know he means nothing to you, but him and his family & friends touched me, so I want to write about him.

Not that there's much to say. I don't know much about him. The community raves about what a fantastic teacher he was. He always seemed very nice when I went to go see him. His family was fantastic. Every night I would deliver dinner and every night like clockwork I would cross paths with his dad who brought in a large basket filled with homemade goodies (to which I joked I came at the perfect time to crash their fantastic-looking dinner party). When he started rapidly going downhill, his entire support team came in droves.

He was 45 diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer (a non-smoker) in August of this year.

I know I didn't have to care; I'm just a worker in the hospital that served him dinner everyday. I see death all the time. I could keep walking around without acknowledging my patients or what's wrong with them or how it affects their families, but I do care... or else I wouldn't work where I am.

Godspeed, M.E. May the angels guide you and God comfort your family.

Christmas - Not Feelin' It

Yeah, I said the 'C' word. Sorry.

I'm usually all over Christmas like white on rice. This year? I can't be bothered. I can't ever tell you why I *love* Christmas, I just do. I don't care so much about any other holidays of the year (except Easter); I don't care much for Halloween. Canada Day? Meh. But Christmas.. geez.. this is the one time of the year I get to *gasp* put out my snowmen! I forgot about the snowmen (I collect them like a fiend)! Okay, I'm a little more excited. But that's more of a winter thing and not a Christmas thing. I don't know. I guess I really wanted to be with someone for Christmas and there's not too much in my favour right now that it'll happen. I don't really have many people to share the holiday with; no family (one's too far away, another's too busy with the restaurant), friends have their own families. So... I'll try not to stay down about it and keep my head up in hopes that this year will be better than the last. Leading into.........

Hot deaf guy hasn't written back yet. I fear my email went to his junk mail folder and he won't see it. Are you crossing your fingers??? I don't see them crossed. You, over there.. I need to see some fingers crossed, please :)

Alright. Those are the musings of the day. I have two days off with some cleaning and LOTS of studying to do. I'm on my last lesson so I'm anxious to get it done. Wish me luck!

Update on Work Stuff

Well, cancer guy still hasn't passed yet. Poor thing. Just not ready to go, I guess. I keep thinking about his family, his wife, his parents. I know what it's like to wait for someone to die and I don't wish it on anyone. But they're holding on. I don't see as many at the hospital now, just a couple of people. I wonder what he's going through, in his head, I mean. He would plainly not be of this earth (mentally) anymore, so... what's going on in his head? What does he think about? Is he conversing with God? (I'm Catholic, so naturally I'll take a Catholic approach.) I don't know that what he's going through is purgatory, cause I'm sure that happens after you die (okay not sure, but that's what they say). What is happening in that surreal world that he's now a part of? Anyways, I think about that.

Oh, and those palliative patients I mentioned? Not so palliative anymore! One woman has done a complete 360 and I told her she looks fabulous. It's a very amazing change to watch.

Remember the deaf guy I mentioned a few days ago, and his daughter (confirmed, that's who it is) that comes in to see him? Well.... daughter has a son, also deaf. And hot. He's not in often, but when he is, we kinda exchange eye contact. She introduced us last night and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. Well, I got talking to his mom and asked if he was single; to which she freely gave me his email address *lol*. We had a good laugh over it and I wrote hot deaf guy tonight. Thing is, I forgot to ask hot deaf guy's name, so he will remain with this description until I know otherwise :) *sigh* I hope he writes. All of you.. cross your fingers!! ... please :)

Well, I'd better get something in my belly (I still haven't eaten dinner yet) and ready for Brothers & Sisters (is Rebecca ever going to tell Justin?!).

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Night'all!

Thoughts

I don't really feel like going to work today. I noticed yesterday my recent tiredness finally caught up with me and I noticed I'm coming down with something. So I doubled my vitamin C and my rest/sleep and so far O.K. I've been fending it off. I don't want to go to work today so I don't know if it's my mood or my health. Or my just being done with dealing with crap the past few days (emotional stuff). Anyhoo...

Cancer guy hasn't died yet. Not as of last nights shift, anyways. When his dad passed me in the hallway, I asked him if I could talk to him for a sec and pulled him aside. I said something to the effect of, "I don't know if it means anything, but I've been praying for him" to which he seemed touched and appreciative. We talked a bit about how he's doing and I told him I was thinking of them and let him go on his way. I don't know why I felt compelled to tell him, I just felt pushed to so I did. It may be for a reason I don't know or see from here. I never know who believes and who doesn't, or even to what degree *what* they believe in, but I hope they know the kind thoughts are there.

Looking at the Oprah magazine last night in the checkout line, I realized I don't need Oprah (or anyone) to tell me how to live a meaningful, thankful, appreciative life trying to touch others, yada yada yada. I try to live in a cognizant state that recognizes people's needs in a compassionate, empathetic way that is me. I reach out to who I can when I can.

Well, off to work. Wish me luck to get through the shift quickly. Lets hope it's quiet.

Work

Bit of a frustrating day at work today. Not sure why. I've got a lot on my mind and maybe that's what started setting off my day. *shrug*

I've got a patient who's... how can I say this diplomatically... well, I'll just say I'm surprised she's not down at the regional mental health hospital. Anyhoo.. I get numerous requests for food. An obsession has grown from muffin, to muffins and yogurt, to (tonight) muffins, yogurt and Cheerios. I thought the Cheerios was kind of random. And when I say obsession, I mean I got 4 DSN's (Dietary, Special Needs) tonight. Four. For Cheerios. But I digress.

One of my cancer patients is severely palliative tonight. It makes me sad because there was a write-up in the local paper about him; a teacher who's school got together and raised a big donation for him for his treatments. I was delivering dinner and his friends or family, whoever they were told me not to bother delivering dinner to them because he'd taken a turn for the worse. No word of a lie, his like, entire support team showed up. About 15 people! I thought that was fantastic. A couple of kids went for a Timmie's run and came back with a LARGE BAG FULL. I'm not even kidding. So I guess they were planning to be there all night. I was sad about his health deteriorating quickly, but if the Lord's gonna take him, I pray He takes him quickly. Some were in tears, some laughing. We all have our ways of dealing with grief. I remember when we'd have a funeral back home, it was like a family reunion. Sure we'd be sad at first, but then we'd just be talking and laughing about things. You've always gotta find a way to laugh....

A couple other patients of mine are palliative, but they're slower going. I wish they weren't. Slow is the worst of all.

I don't know that I'd be comfortable staying in a hospital when I know there's so much death around me. Working in it doesn't bother me. Either way I know it's a part of life.

That's about it for tonight. I guess I'm just kinda sad that guy's dying.

Squatting

Here's an interesting subject for you: squatting.

It's new to me. When I was at my dad's last weekend, F. (step-mother) and I were talking and she mentioned her chiropractor suggested she practice squatting 2-3 times a day. Except instead of keeping your arms on the outside, bring them inside your legs and slightly push apart. It really stretches the muscles. I didn't ask why she was to do this, I was more put off track by the randomness of the conversation. I tried it, though and it really works. The stretch feels good.

I started to research it a bit from what she mentioned to me. It's the most natural position for us. It helps with waste elimination, it's a yoga pose, helps to ease and make a more natural childbirth and if you watch, you'll even see small children instinctively doing it. Now, I'm not a great informer of anything primal, but don't you see this or similar positions with our ape ancestors?

It takes a lot of pressure off some of our internal organs and even prevents some illnesses - a load of gastrointestinal disorders, diverticulitis, colon cancer, IBS, appendicitis, etc. We've just been using the conventional toilet for the past 150 years. This web page argues we have these ailments because we're not assuming the squatting position anymore.

I still have some research to do on this but I thought I would open it up for discussion. Try the exercise and let me know what you thought.

Try 'squatting position' in Google and see what kind of things you come up with.

The Insides Coming Out

So I've had a lot to deal with the past couple weeks. Let me delve into some of it...

I'm still doing a lot of thinking over a conversation with a friend a couple days ago. I think I know why I'm bothered by it and I'll approach her with it and we'll talk it out. This is someone who hasn't let me down; she's been a great friend. Even though we have a strong difference of opinion sometimes, she's assured me she's not going to become any less a friend because of it. Who'd a thunk.. more maturity I've seen from someone 10 yrs my junior, than I've seen inpeople my age or older.

Which leads me into losing a friend. This made me sad, because it was one-sided. But what bothered me about this person was that they didn't feel they could talk to me about what was wrong. It was easier for me to walk away, therefore, because I knew this person didn't respect me enough to talk to me as a simple human being. So I lost respect for them.

I'm still volunteering. Did I mention I was volunteering? At this retirement home behind me. It's going well :) I like old folks. Some of them just have a fantastic sense of humour. They appreciate having me at the home, too (the workers). We all get along really well. There's something that wants to keep part of me at a distance, though, and I'm not sure what (or why).

Ran into one of my regular patients' visitors (who's no longer at the hospital) at a restaurant, post-Mass. She informed me said ex-patient isn't doing well. This made me sad. I also have a couple of patients that are palliative so it'll be unfortunate as well when they go. I see their family, though, and they're so strong. They just try to make the patient so comfortable and never leave their side. It's touching.

Speaking of work, I learned something new this weekend; how to say "you're welcome" in sign language. I have a patient who's deaf (born deaf, lost sight 13 yrs ago) and his daughter and I 'talked' (she's also deaf). Okay, so it was mostly about his diet, but it was a very animated conversation :) (with the help of my pen and paper and her blackberry). And this man is so sweet, always smiling or chuckling. I just wanna squeeze him like a teddy bear.

Well, I think that about calls it a wrap. There's other stuff, but it's highly personal and not suited for the interwebs. Hope y'all had a great weekend!

Procrastination

Every day I mean to write and every day I put it off. I've been keeping my thoughts in my head and haven't been letting them out.

I'm a little down today so I'm not going to write much. Had a conversation with a friend yesterday that still has me thinking. I'm probably a little down from said conversation. Lets just say I've been challenged.

Well, work soon. The Santa Claus parade is going by and I hope I can cross the street on my walk to work. It's starting to die down, so maybe Santa's passed already. *hears more bands* But then, I could be wrong.

I wish I could just stay in today and curl up with a movie. Ah well...

Quotes

The future starts today, not tomorrow.

~ Pope John Paul II

Family Reprieve

I've got a LOT to write about. I'm going to break it down into different posts, though, as not to overwhelm anyone. It'll keep comments, if any, easier as well.

Where do I start. Well, today is the last day of my 4 days off. It's been glorious. I got a lot of studying done, which was sorely needed. I think my brain is about to explode, though. I got some family time in (I'll expand on this later), social time with friends and personal quiet time. People should be allowed to take 4 days off more often. Hell, even 3 (did you know they were talking about that for Canada? I kid you not. Some states already do it and I guess we've been entertaining the idea).

Time with my parents yesterday was enjoyable. Dad dropped me off at the restaurant (they own) and I did some prep. I don't think I've cut so many mushrooms and onions at one time in my life (and oh, the tears!). Went and played tourist (it's a very small, tourist-y town) and went shopping. Bought a pashmina. A pink one. Anyone who knows me knows I don't do pink ("Step out of your 'box'," the lady says). And I hate even more that it looks fabulous. Really brings out my skin tone :) I'm a girl. Who knew.

Anyhoo... Dad came to pick me up from the restaurant around 17:30 and we went back to the house, had a couple beers. Went out to the shop and talked about his bike (Harley) and how he welded a piece to affix to the bike for luggage (he's a freaking genius), looked at the cabinets he's making for the kitchen (again, a genius). Went in the house and hung out till F. got home, with pizza.. mmm (and naturally, more beer). Then we got talking about the deep stuff. I discussed with them the therapy I had earlier this year and what came of it. I told them about abuse I suffered when I was younger that they never knew about (my parents are divorced and I grew up in 2 different households). Discussed with them about relationships, past and present. And I just want to say.. I'm very thankful to have very patient, very understanding and very compassionate parents. Life sucked when I was younger, but we're making up for it now.

I was taken home, I checked messages, talked to a friend and hit the pillow at 23:30 (I was up at 07:30 that morning). I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I slept 10 hrs straight. It was fantastic.

Today I met up with a girlfriend for lunch. Went to a high-end restaurant down the street that was having a lunch special. It was fantastic. We even had a 'lil bubbly :)

Well, that about wraps it up today. Hope everyone is having a good week.

This is my Babu. A very, at the time, unimpressed Babu. I don't know what his problem was, though I'm sure he had his own reasons.

Babbling

Well, they're not enforcing masks for visitors anymore at the hospital. We're starting to run out :P

Had a girly-day today. Went to the salon to get my hair done by Michael. God, he's a genius. I love him. Cut about 4-5 inches off. Eyebrows waxed. Got pampered for an hour. Good to go. Is there a special occasion, you ask? Perhaps...

Went to the chiropractor before that. My rib went out again. Yes, you heard me. Rib. It's a 'thing' I do. *shrug* Anyways, I should have known. I had a near panic-attack yesterday and that's usually a by-product. My heart beats just go absolutely out of control.

Other than that, I picked up a shift so I'll be working tonight. Hopefully it's quiet.

I get to see my dad (whom I don't get to see often) on Monday, so I'm looking forward to that. We're spending the entire day together :) We have a lot to catch up on. Which reminds me, I'll have to ask how his health is (he was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year).

I need chocolate. Must have chocolate.

Well, I'm out of babble for right now. Hope everyone is having a great Friday!

Uneasy Times. Work Babble...

Strict times call for more strict measures. We received an email at work today detailing the new visitor policy. As follows....

"We are tightening our visitor policy due to the large amounts of illness in the community at this time and the high possibility some visitors are contagious but don't know it. As a result, starting today, Nov. 4, all visitors must wear surgical masks when visiting and no visitors under the age of 12 are allowed. This is just the first step in introducing more restrictions on our visitors to help protect both patients and staff.

The next step begins Nov. 10, when each patient will be asked to designate only two people who can visit during the length of his or her hospital stay. Two wristbands will be supplied to each patient and visitors must be wearing wristbands in order to enter a Unit and only then during visiting hours of 2pm-8pm. Some exceptions will be made for compassionate reasons."

I have to be honest; they're not bad policies. Strict. But not bad. All we have to do is wait for the zombie outbreak *smirk*. If anyone knows of similar policies going on, wherever you are, I would love to hear them.

A friend of mine received the shot a couple days ago and didn't feel well after at all. Weak, dizzy and had to go home from work. She says never again. So we each have our own individual reaction.

We're working VERY short at the hospital. In my department, at least. We worked short tonight, but somehow we pulled through. Hate working short all the time. It's starting to ruffle my feathers. I'd better stop before I get into a work gripe.

Unrelated, two very odd things happened to me the other night at work. One I don't feel comfortable talking about here (and I'm still partly uneasy about it). I'm going to let some time pass on that one first. But I got to witness my second seizure. Scary stuff. I was just delivering dinner and one of my patients started a seizure. Thankfully a nurse was just around the corner, so I grabbed her. She started doing her thing. I asked her if there was anything else I could do and she said to grab another nurse. Naturally, none are in the hall when you need 'em, so I had to run down all the way to the nurses station. Told 2 nurses there and they went running. I didn't know Valium (5mg in this case) was administered during a seizure, so that was interesting. Watched that for a bit, cause, yeah. Seizures are a scary thing, the way the body just completely takes over. It's fascinating.

Ahh.. life and times at a hospital...

Quotes

One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other’s stories. ~Rebecca Falls

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours ~Swedish Proverb

Bjorkestra

To Bjork fans: CBC mentions Bjork's music being covered by an orchestra and/or jazz bands. You can hear it here. Listen with an open mind. Some songs I couldn't get used to, some I really enjoyed.

Enjoy :)

Animal Farm - So Far

Animal Farm has been quite an interesting read in respects to human behaviour (well, animals, but you all get the pretext). You can see right away that Orwell hates totalitarianism (get rid of the human running the farm) and to question authority. When they get rid of Jones (the farmer), the pigs set up a new system and at first, it's a diplomatic society. Decisions are made and then voted on as a group. But oddly, one pig leader (Naploeon) feels intimidated, I believe, by the smarts of another pig leader (Snowball) and ousts him. He ends up creating a dictatorship (hungry from power?), what they were trying to avoid in the first place.

Napoleon manipulates his people with lies about the previous leader, twists past occurrences to look in his favour. Over-works and under-feeds the other animals. Runs them ragged, but they keep working our of manipulation and fear.

It's then found some of the other animals have been in contact with Snowball and when Napoleon finds out he holds a group meeting to discover all who have done this. The animals, one by one, admit to having said contact and are martyred on the spot. There's this huge slaughter. Any remaining animals depart and they're very sad and depressed. Morale is low. They continue to question the authority.

We all question authority at some point, don't we?

Happy Hallowe'en!

Well, this wonderfully fun holiday is upon us again. I hope everyone has plans and is going to have fun. I'm not much of a big Halloween'er, but tonight I'm dressing up and heading out to a friends party. I like walking around the neighbourhood and watching the kids all dressed up, but tonight I have to work, then after I will be drinking :) I'm just gonna grab some scrubs from work (oh, the convenience) and appoint myself as a Greys Anatomy character :)

To my Christian friends, I wish you an All Souls Day. To my Pagan friends, Samhain. May you have a fun, happy and safe evening.

A Dream

Last night I had a dream. It started out with me casually sitting with about 2-3 other people, starting to sing. I didn't start in right away, but about middle of the first song and I sounded pretty good (I was worried). It seemed we had talent and our friends told us we should sing publicly. So we booked a gig and played in front of a group of people, outside. As we were setting up, we were getting nervous. On the inside of wherever we were that we were playing, was a navy ship. I remember the tight spaces and corners. We finally went out to play and I got ready and into character (or what I thought would fit)... I stripped down right to my skivvies. Okay, less than that; I just had underwear on. Everything else was nekid. And when we started playing, I was so nervous, I didn't even sing. Not even the first song.. and people started getting mad and pelting things at us so we quit and left. There was another part of the dream after that I remember images but not what happened entirely.

Most of my dreams of late have ended in some sort of violence (including the other night when I dreamed I was at the opera and it ended with a tank coming through the orchestra).

There's your dose of randomness for the day.

Ramblings

The past couple weeks have been hectic. Maybe more than 2 weeks, but I can tell you the past 2 weeks for sure. I don't feel there's enough hours in the day. Yesterday was my only day off this week and I had so much planned, but didn't get to half of it. I didn't get to the church and I didn't get to the park (thanks to no sun coming out for me to take pictures) and I definitely didn't get to laundry; I was too tired.

I've been getting random texts from friends the past few nights on or after 1am. I swore last night if someone texted me at that time I'd break their fingers off. Thankfully no texts and it was only my body that kept me up repeatedly last night *sigh*.

J. came over last night, impromptu, with a couple of pumpkins and a bottle of wine. So, I channeled my inner child as we drank and carved :) It was fun. I'll try and take a pic of mine and post it. She's more in tune with her 'inner child' than I am and carved a goofy looking pumpkin :) I got in touch with my inner artist and did something a little more intricate. I'm sure it would have looked better than it does if I wasn't drinking :) Naturally, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" was on last night and we watched that at the same time.

I bought a book yesterday; George Orwell's Animal Farm. Was having a discussion a couple weeks ago with a couple friends about what we read, I'd mentioned I don't read fiction as a rule, but I would like to get back into some of the classics and this was suggested to me. If you have any experience reading Orwell, please let me know how it's been. I fear I won't understand his writing. Is there a certain way I should approach it? etc..

Looks like another overcast day. I heard the rain this morning, that was nice.

Well, not much else to say, or lots to say but I'm just not sayin' it. Tell me how your week has been. I would love to hear it.

Denial

So it seems I may be lactose intolerant after all. I reacted to the cream in my hot chocolate and the morning after, I got sick to the milk I drank. I spoke to my GP about it and she said one may not react right away, but have a delayed reaction. Crap. And apparently I introduced too much at one time. I'm to introduce milk again 3 days later (tomorrow), 50ml at a time, not 500ml :) So we'll see.

Cheese doesn't seem to bother me, nor butter on my toast. So maybe just certain dairy. Maybe just milk. I still have to try organic milk after this.

Later Edit: Retract the cheese comment. Also a possible issue.

Vaccines and Dairy

First, dairy. I had 500ml of milk tonight. No reaction. Well, I had very little pain in my stomach, but it was slight and barely noticeable. Not enough to declare it a problem. I believe last nights attack was brought on by a very empty stomach and very solid food, too quickly. This relieves me. I like my milk :) I didn't crave it like I thought I would, though.

Vaccines. My Canadian counterparts.. please be wary. If you're deciding to get the H1N1 vaccine, know that trials are still in the infant stage and literally going on this week. The country is confident to kick out the actual vaccine even while trials are going underway because they'll be receiving back information "rather quickly". They may be getting short-term reactions quickly, but long-term reactions will take years. We don't know what will happen. This is a new strain so we don't know what's effective, how much, or in what doses. I'm personally against vaccinating for moral and academical reasons, but to each his own. Not everyone holds this belief and please get the vaccine if you feel you'll be protected.

That's all today.

Speechless and Dairy

It's not often I become speechless. Today is one of those days. In a good way :)

And.... I had dairy tonight. I thought I'd have some while I'm at home doing nothing, before I chance getting sick before work. So I made a homemade hot chocolate. With lots of cream. And I found... PAIN. I got sick.. twice. Very painful attacks. I'm also eating/drinking on a very empty stomach and that doesn't always bode well for me, either. So I will buy some milk tomorrow and have a good 'ol glass tomorrow night after work.

The Tax Man

I just had to call Revenue Canada... and can I say... I just dealt with the nicest guy ever. I'm still smiling because he was so nice and accommodating. Government officials. Who knew.

Autumn Days

Went for a walk in the park after I got back from Mass & breakfast. It's such a beautiful day, how could I resist? I was surrounded by a ground that was a sea of gold. I sat on a bench that was a bit in the sun and just people-watched. Everywhere, people were taking pictures. I was surrounded by families and couples (and dogs). It was a good day for it. I even had a family with a hired photographer set up behind me. They were literally 5 feet behind me and although I was enjoying my time sitting there, I felt I was in their space (though technically they were in mine, but I digress). So I left and let them have the bench. Took a last tour around the park and walked home. Leaves were covering the pathway and I intentionally swept my feet in them with child-like abandon. Found a street with lots of leaves on the sidewalk *swoosh, swoosh, swoosh*. It was fun :) I left a lot less tense than I began.

I'm back home now. Opened the window a couple inches. Babu (my cat) stuck his head through it breathing in the fresh air. I've started laundry and I have plenty more I could be doing, but I'm not doing it. Dunno why. I'll be starting my roast soon for dinner. Looking forward to that.

Hope everyone's enjoying their day.

Slight Musings About the World Around Me

When I came back from my errands today I noticed a couple of flyers lying around the mailbox area (and I don't mean grocery flyers, just those small advertisements for glasses, or pizza, or whatever). There are a couple people in my building who have a sign on their mailbox such as "No Ad Mail". I started thinking. Apparently there's a list you can put yourself on to remove yourself from these mailings, or post aforementioned sign. But does this really solve the problem? People are trying to do this, for the most part, to reduce waste, right? But companies are still producing these flyers en masse, as well as the greenhouse gases they're emitting. Two people out of 50 in a building (and so on) isn't going to get the message across. So what's the answer?

I was just watching TV and I saw a commercial on muffins. Except, the muffins are in a container and you add things (eggs, etc) to the container and shake it and poof.. you have muffins. They save you from "no more mess" (but isn't that the fun of baking??). Using different tools, getting your hands dirty (so to speak). Am I the only one that's disturbed that you can make muffins in a tin?

Ahh well, The Dirty Dozen is on TV and that makes everything better :)

Gripe

I want dairy!!!

.. as a side note, my palate has slightly changed. I taste the saltiness in food more. Odd by-product of going dairy-free. Didn't expect that.

The challenge continues.

Going Dairy-Free and Other Musings..

I want my milk. *Now* I'm starting to crave it. Not a lot... and most of it is out of habit, but I often find myself saying, "A glass of milk would go great with this". Today and for the next week is completely dairy-free. Well, for the most part. There are a couple items in my fridge that I can't not eat because they have some form of dairy in them (the mashed potatoes with used-up sour cream, the greek salad that has a bit of feta on top). I'm using the food I have. I'm just not actively putting dairy on anymore food items (no cream in my coffee this morning which surprisingly, isn't that bad). I didn't make apple crisp last night as planned (butter), so I have found another recipe to use the apples with no dairy (I'll post it if it works out). I never realized how much dairy I actually use - until I cut it out. So the adventure continues...

The Paxil is going fine. Sort of. The only adverse side-effect I'm getting is feeling more thirsty/dry mouth. So I try to drink more water. It is affecting my g.i system I believe and making it more sensitive (not less), so if this continues for the next couple weeks I'll go off the med at month's end. It's being counter-productive. This doesn't surprise me, though. I tried.

I continue to confront parts of my distant past and it's going very well. Slow, but well. I am happy about this.

That's all for today. I hope everyone's having a good week.

The Anatomy of the Heart...

.... is complicated. Dude. And I'm just learning the basics. All the different heart diseases, what they're caused by, what they cause themselves, what illnesses are a product of. Ugh. Maybe I'm making it more difficult than it is, but my brain was about to ooze out of my skull trying to read and understand everything.

*puts books down and walks away from the heart for a while*

Touched By Love and Faith

I encountered an older woman today. I delivered her dinner tray to her. Her husband is always there to help her with dinner. She can get by on her own for the most part, but seems to need some assistance. They're a *very* nice couple. Sounding by the last name, *very* French-Canadian.

I was delivering snacks to the diabetics when I encountered her again. Her husband was gone. She calls me over in a whisper and grabs my hand. She starts whispering about how long it's been since she's seen me and asked how I was. I play along. She asks, very worried, where her husband is and if he'll return. She kept making references about things that happened 50 years ago. How her husband was in the war and how lucky he is to be alive. Indeed. Ahh.. dementia. Dementia is not my friend. It runs in the family; my grandmother had it pretty bad, but more on that later. So I let her talk (I don't really have a choice, she has my hand) and she's very worried. She says she keeps saying her prayers. She can't sleep at night. So I asked her faith (knowing it was a rhetorical question) and she didn't hear me. I said, "Are you Catholic?". "Oh yes," she says. "Where is your rosary?" I asked. "I don't know, it's around here somewhere," distraught. I told her when I have problems sleeping sometimes, I say my prayers and that helps. She smiled.

So I told her I had to go, but I would return. I asked the nurse if it was okay I gave her a rosary (per her safety) and she didn't have a problem with it. I finished my snacks, went to the in-house chapel, grabbed one (they're just cheap plastic jobies) and went back to her. She was so relieved. You should have seen the look of peace and relief when I gave it to her.

I'd have done it for any one, or any faith. When we're lost and confused, it helps to return to what guides us, what comforts us, what keeps us sane. I'm just glad I was there at the right time and the right place to offer someone solace.

It reminded me of a time (though unrelated) I had a return of a patient; I ran into her husband on the sidewalk as I was walking into work. We made small talk. I asked how she was, he told me (it wasn't good), I sighed. Then he says, matter-of-factly, "But she's my wife (as he shrugs), I love her" so he was going to keep persevering. Even when you could tell he was so physically & emotionally tired and his nerves were wrought to the bone.

Days like this make me thankful I work at the hospital so I can see so many different sides of people. Connect with them. That's what human's are all about, aren't we? The more we stay strangers, the colder the world gets, the more wars start (as an example). If we don't talk to each other, listen to each other and try to connect and understand each other.. then what's the point? Why are we here? Well, I won't start on that soap box, but you see what I'm saying.

Tonight made me think of my late maternal grandmother. Her dementia started slow, progressed quickly to a severe Alzheimer's. She didn't even recognize you at the end. Kept referencing things that happened 60 years back. But when she went, my aunt was with her, and she kept singing hymns right to the end. This was of great peace to me. I hope my French-Canadian friend has the same gentle passing.

Ramblings About the Weather, Work and Weekends

What a *fantastic* sunny day to wake up to. Finally! In these parts, we've been getting rain several days in a row. It's been quite droll. I haven't cared lately when someone asks me what I'm doing for my long weekend plans, for the hundredth time ("working"), but today made me miss what I'm going to miss. A nice sunny, cool, crisp autumn day. No dinners. No turkey. No family. No cooking myself, which is odd. I usually have a few set friends over for a dinner and cook a turkey myself (which I enjoy), but working 6 days a week and one weekend off a month, leaves me with lack of time. I shall go for a walk today, though, and soak up some of that wonderful sun.

Going semi-dairy free so far this week has been positive. No setbacks. I miss milk, but I'm not craving it. I'm not noticing any g.i irregularities, things are the same, but it's only been a few days. I haven't developed a nervous twitch yet :)

There have been some things going on at work that I've been hesitant to talk about here, but now that I've come to terms about it a bit (read: not really), I'm ready to discuss it. Maybe someone will have an idea what's wrong. Or y'all might just think I'm crazy :)

I've been reading things incorrectly. Say, when I'm delivering a meal, I'll read the ticket room number/bed number and deliver to said patient. Except, I'm reading the room number wrong. I start super-imposing numbers. For example: I will "see" (room) 556-1 (bed one). I'll read the ticket 3 times, secure in the fact the ticket said rm. 556. When in fact the rm. is 558. I mis-delivered a tray the other night because of this with consequences to the patient (details witheld). Not severe, but important enough to cause a possible incident. I was cornered on it by the head nurse and there will be an incident report on my record. I don't even care about the report at this stage, I'm just worried about the patient. I've noticed myself doing this for a while now (this was just the first time I got caught). I did it again later that night delivering snacks (for diabetics); read the ticket 3 TIMES, gowned up because it was an isolation room, got halfway in the room, read the ticket again to confirm the name, saw the room number was 543 NOT 541 that I was in. I felt like such an ass! I *don't* understand what's wrong. Last night I took my glasses to make sure I didn't mis-read anything, so who knows. It made my vision worse because I'm not used to walking around with them (just used for the computer or reading sometimes). I'm wondering if my increased clumsiness, minor headaches and mis-reading is connected somehow. I now see myself as a liability; if I mis-deliver a tray to the wrong person (perhaps someone who has allergies), the results could be.. disasterous. I know I'm not dislexic, I read fine. So is it vision? Is it cognitive? I don't know.

Well, on that note after bearing my soul, I think I'm gonna get bundled up and go for that walk. There's a nice clear blue sky with those fluffy white clouds :) The park with be gorgeous with the leaves changing. And that's where you shall find me....

Quotes

One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other’s stories. ~Rebecca Falls

Going Dairy Free

Well, I went to the bookstore today, for the hell of it, and perused the shelves. Came across a couple books on IBS. One I bought, which was an entire book on it, from a medical (and anatomic) perspective and the other I flipped through as it just had a section I was interested in. In this section they discussed holistic ways to control IBS. One was adding glucosamine (which I'm all for), one was for adding calcium magnesium citrate (controls the contractions of the intestines; I'll have to do more research into this one).. and the other was going dairy free.

It's so simple, it should have occurred to me sooner. I react to high sugars. Milk has sugars. Duh. I don't know why I didn't think of it. I really *don't* think I'm lactose intolerant; I don't have strong (or any, really) reactions after consuming dairy, but you know what? At this stage of the game, I'm about to try anything.

I was going to cut myself off cold turkey today since I'm out of milk and it would prohibit me from buying more, but I'm going to start slow. I'm NOT going to buy milk. I'm going to use up a bit what I already have in the house (cheese, cream in coffee, etc). You're supposed to do the challenge for x-amount of days. Some sources say 10, the book I read said 14. I will try 14. So... I will drink no milk at all this week. I will put cream in my coffee (going by my reaction of not having cream in the house this morning for said coffee, I'd say I'm not 'ready' yet), eat up the rest of the cheese I have, but next week I'll be off ALL dairy, and do that for at least a week.

Then I'll re-introduce milk. If I react, I'll try organic milk next. If I react to THAT, then I might have no choice but to go off dairy completely, or in very small amounts. I'll be surprised as to what happens. Stay tuned!

Edit: I'm sensitive to fructose and don't respond well to it, which is why I'm testing lactose. They say the two are usually connected together.

Today's Griping is Brought to You by the Letter 'L'

...Laundry.

Oh how I loathe you.

Understand that I don't hate laundry as a whole. I don't mind it. But while I live in a small apartment building (that used to be a sewing machine factory, 60 years or so back, and it's only 3 stories, so no elevator), I reserve the right to complain about a) paying for it (that's a given), b) having to trapes up and down 2 flights of stairs for every load, unload, change-over and c) if I forget to put something in the wash (rare, but happens), that's another trip.

I miss having my own laundry, on the same floor...and not having to pay for it. *sigh*

Okay, griping done.

Updates, Thoughts and Happenings

Updates - I saw the G.I yesterday for the results from my scopes. Normal. Absitively, completely normal. No ulcers (nor H. Pylori), no polyps, no cancer. He found some excess bile in my stomach though, which means it's not emptying properly (and I don't know how to fix this). Clinical Diagnosis: IBS (but we knew that, didn't we?).

Thoughts - I came out of that appointment feeling.. defeated. He says I have to stop fighting the illness and just accept it and work around it. I've been fighting this for 10 years. I don't want to accept it and I don't want to live with it the rest of my life. I refuse. If you've got a chronic illness, you're aware of the emotional roller coaster it can put you on and how much it can control your life. If I give in, the illness wins. I was expecting so much more out of that appointment. Maybe new meds (which were a possibility, but we decided for numerous reasons against it). Well, he is putting me on Paxil, 10mg. This'll be interested. You guys can watch me wig out to anti-depressants. It's such a low dose I don't have much worry about it. The gut has more serotonin than the brain, so the idea is the Paxil will calm the nerve endings in my gut, causing it to be less sensitive/reative. That would be ideal.

Happenings - I started volunteering at the retirement home today. Wow. It was entertaining to say the least. I was dishing out teas and coffees at lunch. When I approached this one table of 4 women, I placed the tea down, and this one wasn't very clear with her speech; she kept telling me to do something, which I couldn't understand. She was getting right nasty, and she slapped my arm! I was a little in shock, but no worse for the wear. So the girl I was working with told me not to do her, she's temperamental (ya think?!) and I quickly moved on. Heh, I go to the next table and an older lady there says, "Oh, don't mind that weathered old bitch". HA! I almost lost it. That was fantastic. Then I went and delivered a couple of trays up to a couple. Well wouldn't you know it, the husband was a gentleman I had at the hospital. Crickety old man. Says his manners, though. Odd. So today was interesting, to say the least.

The past comes to visit now and then. I do pretty good. That's all.

I'm craving something tonight. Not something sweet, not something salty. Cake. I want cake. Who's got cake?

Alright, I'm a bit tired today. I've been staring at the screen for 5 min, so I guess I have nothing else to say.

Random

As said by me, in a conversation tonight with a close friend when speaking about some current particulars I'm dealing with....

"I'm not running from the past anymore."

Such a simple statement and it was said very nonchalantly, but it was sort of... euphoric. Then I said it again, and again, and again. And I felt at peace. It was like I came to a new realization.

It was euphoric because it was a very sober thought; there are in fact, no more issues I have to deal with from my past. There are things that have followed me over the years (and I'm talking 10-15 yrs ago), but you know what? This one thing is the last major situation/past life decision/mistake/failure I have to deal with. I can't believe it. I feel such incredible peace.

*trails off in shock....*

Gingerale

I just took a swig of the gingerale I (rarely) have in the fridge. It says, "Made with real ginger" and "made with 100% real flavours, including real ginger". So I look at the ingredients. As follows...

Carbonated water, sugar/glucose-fructose, citric acid, natural flavour, sodium benzdate, colour.

....Where's the ginger? In the "natural flavours"? Why don't they, then, say.. I don't know.. GINGER.

*sigh*

Mondays

It could have been a mix of it being a Monday after having the weekend off. It could have been a mix of a moon mid-cycle. It could have been a mix of being tired from getting up 50,000 times last night. Whatever it was, made today challenging.

I haven't been this clumsy, in, I don't know how long. I dropped milk on the floor *splat*. I bumped into things, into people. This clumsiness has been building for a while, so I can't say it's just today, but it didn't help any. And I was busy later in the day. That didn't help, either.

That's all. My griping is done.

Time Flies, Things Change

I woke up early this morning because my body said it's had its 8 hours of sleep and wasn't having anymore (you understand this means I was up at 0800, which is rare for me). I putter around, I come online and I see that my cousin has had a baby. My cousin. A baby. What... just happened?? I literally froze, I was so much in shock. Then anger. Why didn't he tell me when we spoke on the phone a couple months ago? Where is all of this coming from?!?!?

*sigh* Let me give you a quick background where this shock/anger is coming from. S. and I grew up together as kids out in the country. We were very close. We even hung out a lot into our teens, 20's. Then time and distance grew us apart. We'd talk on the phone a bit here and there; we'd often counsel each other. But he stayed in our home town, I didn't (and I very rarely traveled there). I've always missed my cousin; we were great friends growing up.

So to hear he's had something major and wonderful happen in his life, something I know he's always wanted, I'm saddened that I wasn't there to share it with him. It's like I'm 15 again and taking it personally that he hasn't told me. But we're not 15, we haven't been speaking, and he's owed me nothing. So, I 'manned up' and wrote him a congrats and said how adorable his son is (he really is... you just wanna squish him), and every letter I typed hurt. But, I have to wish him the best, walk away and deal with my sadness on my own.

I'll call him sometime when my shock/anger subsides (so I can say, "How have you been??" instead of, "What the hell??". A little kinder, wouldn't you say?). It seems in not going home and avoiding my parents, I've avoided everyone else as well.

Website

For my fellow photography-enthusiast friends (is that proper grammar?), I present you with a website I came across tonight; Out Of Bounds Photos. These really threw me for a loop. They're fantastic. Talk about taking your photography to the next level...

The Word of the Day..

Today's word of the day is.... chaste.

That is all.

Health and Venting

I'll get the easiest thing off my mind first.

I'm looking at alternatives for breakfast. Instead of the usual cereal, I mean. I'll have to look for the same carbohydrate count, if not slightly more (and include more protein). I usually just have milk, cereal (Special K) with a banana cut into it. I'd like to incorporate more variety, but I've always feared I won't feel as full. Really, cereal doesn't do much either, but for the sake of argument. Anyways, if you have any suggestions, it's appreciated.

Next..

I found out from a co-worker that if we develop the flu, we're forced 7 days off. SEVEN DAYS. Who the hell can afford 7 days? Some of us can't even save for that. I don't know that there's a clause signed for such events but I know they want you to get your flu shot. This is a hell of a way of making you get it. But even if one gets the flu shot, and one gets the flu, is one protected from the 7 days off? Are they still mandated to 'police' you? Even after the 7 days they still have to 'clear' you, and that may take longer than the original 7. I stay away from vaccine's like the plague. I don't believe in them. It's bad enough they practically forced me to get some a couple years back when I started (my second MMR, tetanus and hepatitis, I believe). Ugh! I'm just.. livid!

*sigh*

A.W.O.L...and Babble

The plague of death has kept me from posting anything as of late. Okay, it hasn't been *that* bad, but it has taken me out for a couple days (which means missing a day of work..sigh). I really should be napping right now, but I'm too fidgety. I'm keeping my energy level to a minimum, though. It tires me out to do much anyways, right now.

I'm going to back up my co-worker about what she said about if an unfamiliar ingredient is in what she's consuming, she probably doesn't want it anyways. It's not an ignorant comment. It's coming from a mentality of having a whole foods/raw foods diet. When you go to the store, is there an ingredient list for broccoli? No.

House had a good premiere on the other night. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

I'm a little upset Dancing With the Stars is on on Tuesdays, now. It interferes with Hell's Kitchen. I forgot all about The F Word. Damn. Well, Hell's Kitchen is almost over (or is it completely over? I missed the last half of last night's show). I don't watch a lot of TV but I do have my favourites.

Studies are going well. I've gone from consistencies of diets (dysphagia, pureed, soft, DAT's, etc) and now I'm on allergies/intolerances (discussing the differences of each, reactions, etc). People usually have intolerances, not allergies (when they think they do) and allergies are an immune reaction, where intolerances are a non-immune reaction. There's your lesson for today :)

Well, not much else to say today. I had a shower which was refreshing and let up some of the congestion. But I hate being alone and sick. I'd like, for one day, someone to take care of me. Ah well, that's a thought best saved for offline.

Hope y'all are having a good week.

More Carrageenan...

Well, this has started a whirlwind, hasn't it?

I did more research; carrageenan is based in Neilson's *chocolate* milk products only. I've tried linking to ingredients of white and chocolate milk, but they have the same website. So, go to Neilson's Dairy website - Products -> Milk (you'll get a listing for all 4 types). Then, on the right-hand side, you can select chocolate milk to see that ingredient list. Yeah. A bit of a difference.

I perused the site some more and found it's in items such as sour cream, but not in (most) yogurts. I found the lower the fat content in yogurt, the more presence of carrageenan. Interesting.

Blue Diamond Almond Milk has a much higher nutritional content than 'regular' milk, but like I said, unfortunately has our friend (as mentioned, 7th ingredient).

For the fun of it, I took a look at another favourite dairy brand, Organic Meadow. Their chocolate milk also has it in it, but no other dairy products do. So there's something about chocolate milk that requires this thickening agent (aside from other products, we agree, but this all started with chocolate milk, so..). As a bonus, their sour cream doesn't contain it, nor their yogurt, though sadly their ice cream does (but it's the very last ingredient).

So, if we're deciding what we're putting into our bodies when it comes to dairy and dairy ingredients, what wins? Choosing one product over another because it has an ingredient we're trying to avoid? Should we always choose organic? Should we look at other options for calcium and vitamin alternatives?

Carrageenan and Milk

I couldn't pass this up. I don't think I'll ever drink milk, or at least chocolate milk, again.

I was sitting with a co-worker at break tonight, discussing Nutrition (we're both studying it). She has been slowly taking on an... elimination diet, if you will (elimination from processed foods, etc). I'd bought a chocolate milk. She mentions how she doesn't drink milk anymore, but almond milk instead (which I tried tonight, and it's quite tasty, btw). She looks at the ingredients and aside from sugar being the second ingredient, carrageenan was the third. She says, "I don't even know what carrgeenan is, but I'm sure I don't want it if it's in my milk". I'd heard of it before but forgot what it was.

Oh. My. God. Well, thanks to good 'ol Wiki, I looked it up. See the page here. Go ahead, I'll wait until you read it. Take your time. Oh, you might want to read all of it, including the bottom where they say it's used as a personal lubricant.

I can't look at chocolate milk the same anymore. Thoughts? Discussions? I might have to wait a day to even comment, myself. I'm still sort of... in disgust.

What Do *You* Want?

Today's theme, I think, is what we want. Or in a manner, what we think we want.

We don't always know what we want. We think we do. We think we've got life all planned out sometimes. But God (or the Universe, for the non-believers) will come along, throw a wrench in the plans and will force us into a situation repeatedly until we deal with it adequately (read: learned, so it doesn't keep happening).

I thought I knew what I wanted. I don't (with this one thing, not with *everything*..heh..just so we're clear). Today was another example of proving that wrong. I learned, so the situation won't be happening again (if I have anything to do with it). At least, not for a while.

Humans are funny; we're stubborn, we like to control things. We can't just... let go; and that's the one thing we need to do most. Things actually come to us *more* when we let go.

I've always been guided by the phrase, "Let go and let God". Not everyone follows this. I'm even trying to think when I was Athiest or Agnostic, what I believed. Well, even then, I tried to control things; it was as foolish then as it is now. But now I'm rambling....

I hate that I have to be in such a damn rush for things sometimes. Part of me likes waiting, part of me wants things yesterday. I guess this lesson will also be repeated until we learn, give in and let go.

Random Facts

A piece of random trivia, or random facts, as it were (I couldn't pass it up being an avid fan)...

M*A*S*H was first aired today, in 1972.

:)

Quotes

When you have Enough, you have everything you need. There's nothing extra to weigh you down, distract, or distress you. Enough is a fearless place. An honest and self-observant place... To let go of clutter, then, is not deprivation; it's lightening up and opening up space and time for something new and wonderful to happen ~ Vicki Robin

Dear Body...

Dear Body,

Please stop feeling tired all the time. I'm getting more than enough sleep (10 hours a night is enough for anybody). Maybe I'm oversleeping. In any respect, please start feeling more awake or I'm going to have to request a new body.

Not Happy,

Me

Thoughts on Iron

And here I didn't think I had anything to post about today, until I remembered this.

The last 2 pieces of blood work I had done (March and Aug.), my iron (ferritin) was low. Now, it was still in the 'normal' range, but low in the normal range. But it made me think; the way we react to say, medications, is so personal, what about mineral and vitamin levels? We're not all robots. We can't all perform the same on say, a ferritin level that's 44*. Or can we?

When I asked my GP if she would be okay with me taking an iron supplement she said 'not yet' and 'your iron levels are normal'. Gah. Alright, so we're still going to do more work.

Does anyone have any experience with this? It doesn't have to be with iron levels, but with anything else. Did you take a supplement anyways, even though you may not have needed it? Did it help? Do you think we can all function on the same levels or no? What are your thoughts?

* Normal ferritin levels, per my lab are between 13-145

Quotes

The person who must be a leader, must be a bridge.

~Welsh Proverb

Spread love wherever you go: First of all, in your own house...let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. Kindness.

~ Mother Teresa

Quotes

To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.

~ Tao Te Ching

And Going and Going....

Saturday, Pt. II....

Met a friend for an appetizingly organic lunch, I came home, relaxed a bit and went out and hit the Jazz Festival. There were a few acts I wanted to check out and I went to what was free (there was a tent downtown with free entry that housed a few performances).

The first act I saw at 2:00 was Michael Occhipinti's, Sicilian Jazz Project. They were *fantastic*. They gave me goosebumps. So I bought their CD. What an amazing mix of sounds, and it was so smooth and harmonious. His music is inspired by 1050's Sicily.

I'd gotten enough fresh air at that point and came home for a bit of a re-charge. Went back out for the next one I wanted to see at 7:30, Jean Derome Evidence Trio (they're from Quebec). They have a heavy Thelonious Monk influence; very nice. I enjoyed them.

Then the last group I saw was Odessa/Havana. Very, very good. I don't know that I'd buy their CD, but they were fantastic to watch and listen to live. I would see them again. Very lively, with a Cuban influence. Salsa, baby!

So I was outside most of today and tonight from 7:30-10:30. I'm freakin dead. I feel like I've been drinking and I haven't had a drop. I'm going to go to bed very soon. It was nice to get out and be amongst people today, in a venue I'm very interested in. I'm even thinking about becoming a member for the Jazz Festival (donating) and/or volunteering next year. Something to think about.

Later Edit: Right, I was too tired last night and forgot about this. Tills locked herself out of her apartment yesterday (hence the comment below). Luckily we're sort of in the same building, so she came to crash here for a bit. She then felt adventurous and climbed out of my kitchen window, onto the roof, down the ladder, across the roof to her window, which took forever to break into, but with the help of some screwdrivers from me, got the screen in. It was crazy.

An Even Better Start...

Can I tell you how nice it was to sleep in? I didn't overly sleep, but enough to curl up for an extra hour...cool breeze coming in, duvet wrapped up around my head. Ahhh....

The wine I was talking about last night is here.. OPEN wines. I see they also have a riesling/gewürztraminer wine; what a *fabulous* marriage of grapes. That one will definitely be on my list!

Well, I have coffee in hand. I'm downloading the latest update to iTunes so I can download some Vinyl Cafe that I missed (my Canadian counterparts SHOULD know what I'm talking about; if you don't, shame on you). I get to see Vinyl Cafe in appearance at the local stage in October. Can't wait. (Unfortunately, Christpher West is doing a seminar on JP II's Theology of the Body in Toronto, which I would have died to see, but I had the Vinyl Cafe commitment first, and I just wouldn't make it back in time). Look at me babbling.

Well, I'm going to take my coffee and sit in the rocker. Today's itinerary has lunch at an organic restaurant with a friend and going to another friend's to help her paint. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Great Start to the Weekend

I sit here with a glass of cab-merlot. It's a new VQA wine. I can smell it just sitting beside me. As I taste it, I notice its very smooth, light. You can taste the merlot, but there's a hint of berry from the cab. I sniff the wine inside the glass.. and it reminds me of something.. but I can't quite put my finger on it. Earthy. But classy. Maybe it would go with a certain sort of special cheese. No, something more complex, so the wine complements it. Okay, you can tell how tired I am, I'm waxing intellectual about wine.

Got a hit from the past today. It is good.

Had a great start to the weekend tonight (that I have off! Woo!). Had a couple of the girls over for a movie. Watched "Men With Brooms". Funniest. Canadian. Shit. Ever. (Aside from Strange Brew, of course.) It's a must-see if you haven't already. And I lurve Paul Gross.

Oooh.. maybe it would go with cheesecake. Mmmm.. cheesecake.

Our town is holding it's jazz festival tomorrow. Looking forward to going downtown to catch a couple of free shows. Anyone wanna come with?

The smell is starting to bother me; it's almost familiar. I feel I should know it, but I still can't put my finger on it. I can standby that it's smooth - it must have been filtered *very* well. Maybe because it's so pure, no water added (see above link) that it's so...definite.

Well, I got more thinking and journalling to do before I pass out tonight. Tell me what your plans are this weekend. Let me know what's going on with you. You can be as vague or detailed as you like. :)

Things and Stuff - Frustrated

I'm not feeling well today and I'm frustrated on several things. I'm PMSing a bit, too, so that also has me a bit down.

Health update: Saw my GP today. She didn't really help me address much. We reviewed the blood work that came back normal (surprise, surprise), I gave her a list of total symptoms and we almost thought Fibro, but she didn't stay with that theory too long. She's referring me to a respirologist as I've been having problems breathing for well over a year now. I told her about the increased pain (and attacks) I've been having post-scopes and she just cites that it's "normal". Okay, but normal for HOW LONG. I am in pain in an almost constant basis (and I'm having attacks 2-5 times a day, vs. one every few days). This has me a little agitated. I would like to not be sick.. for one day.

A few things have me frustrated about some online stuff.

I'm frustrated as I'm trying to work through some spiritual stuff.

I didn't sleep for shit last night.

L. is sure now she's getting organ failure of the kidney. That, or cancer of the kidney. She's waiting for definite results. There's other stuff, but I won't disclose it until we're sure. I don't really feel like complaining about my shit because she's got a lot more going on in one day, than I have in a week. She's really come around, by the way, since our talk the other night. She's in a much more positive frame of mind. More of a fighter, less of a victim.

I need chocolate. Yes, I must have chocolate. I have no chocolate :(

Oh, on a good note, I got my course work for my second course. This is Nutrition in Health Care. Really looking forward to it; it'll help me apply more information now, since it actually has to do with my job (patient diets per disease, etc).

Well, me, my tiredness and my headache from hell are going to go to bed early tonight. Thank God tomorrow's Friday. Can't wait for the weekend.

More Babble

Gripe - Can I not just sit, in quiet, in my rocker by the window, enjoying some peace and quiet? Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask the neighbour downstairs to turn down their damn TV because I can hear it through the windows up to my apartment? Is it too much to make them more considerate of others? Gah, I can't wait for winter (windows closed).

Tough Love - I spent a lot of time with L. online last night. We worked though a lot of things; I should say, I helped her with stuff. She still hadn't come to full realization about her situation (denial) so I helped push her. We all need a little push when we get lost. I think she's in a better place emotionally and mentally now, but it's the day after and I have yet to check in on her.

Bored - This weekend has been full of nothing. I will look forward to work tonight because it's time and a half, but other than that, there has been no social time whatsoever; no one's called. I'm getting a little twitchy. And pissed. Oh well.

Sick - My stomach has not been doing well lately. I'm sick on a nightly basis. I don't think I've recovered from the scopes yet and I don't know how long it's supposed to take. I don't like getting sick at night because it happens at work and interfers with my job (I do a lot of walking around). I'm about getting fed up with it (and the unsual pain) so I'll be calling the G.I Tuesday. (As a side note: I've been eating a lot better since the scopes (remember I pledged?). More fruit. A lot more than what I'm used to (peaches are in season, you know!). I've always had a hard time digesting the fibre from fruit, so I'm wondering if that's what's causing it. BUT, on the other hand, it's kept my blood sugar up and I've been feeling pretty good in those respects. Sigh.. can't win for losin').

Head covering - I forgot to wear my head covering at Mass yesterday. I felt naked. I remembered to put on my rings, though, which I never wear. Go figure.

Well, I'm making it my mission to get outside today, provided I feel okay; this stomach stuff is unpredictable at best so I have to watch myself. Mmmm.. someone's burning Nag Champa incense.

Alright! Out I go! Hope you guys are having a great weekend!

Trying

Well, my emotions have calmed down a bit this week and I'm going to attempt to post today. I don't feel like talking much, but I refuse to stay closed up about things. There's not a lot I'll mention publicly, so if it's vague, I apologize. Though there might be a lot of babbling; I've warned you.

I let my guard down last week and I got punished for it. Punish is a strong word. Maybe karma. No, that's not right, either. Anyways, the situation is, I didn't accept someone's behaviour (the way they were treating me) and I called them on it (which also meant standing up for myself, which I was quite proud to do). I no longer have communication with this person and I'm okay with that (you might find it odd for me to say this statement, but when I was younger, I would do everything to hang onto people. Various reasons. A bit of not knowing if I'd need them in the future, for whatever reason and other reasons. I know this is unhealthy which is why over the years I'm breaking myself of the habit). Weed out the toxic, as it were. I guess I wanna say I was 'punished' for it because I got hurt as a result. I didn't deserve it. I tried trusting. I got burned. Time to move on.

I find I'm also missing someone from my close past. We were always connected and I can feel them, and it's frustrating (frustrating because we're not talking) and all I want to say is 'hi' or 'I miss you'.

I hope this next week picks up. I really should get back into my studies. I want to start reviewing the old stuff, so when the new stuff comes (soon, I hope), then I'll be in the mindset. I also wanted to start volunteering at the retirement home behind me; I really should get on that (did I mention I was the world's best procrastinator?). I also need to get some paperwork together for my lawyer. Gah! Procrastination is... grrr.

And I feel so lazy today. An old friend texted me early this morning. He's 2 hrs behind and I don't know if he remembered the time change. All the same, it was nice to catch up. Then I had someone else text me shortly after. It must have been national Text J. Early day..and I missed the memo. So when that was all done, I stayed in bed and dozed on and off for a couple more hours. Nice breeze coming in the window, comfy bed. Ahhh. I didn't want to get up, but I had to start the day at some point. What would they do without me at work?

I hope everyone has a great long weekend! I don't have anything planned (outside of work - time and a half, baby, yeah!), so hopefully it'll shape into something. I need some social time.

Update on L.

Remember L.? I mentioned her a while back, my young friend who has cancer (see the label/post RAK). Well, I hate to report she's getting worse.

She rushed to the ER the night before last because she was getting violently sick and bringing up blood (sorry, for those of the squeamish). She tore the lining of her esophagus and she possibly has the start of organ failure (kidneys, liver, etc); more tests being done today. The doctors that night told her she shouldn't bother anymore treatments or trials and to prepare for end of life (to which she told them where to go; she's a strong one, that). She isn't succumbing to that thought yet, though, because she's waiting to hear if the last round of chemo helped at all.

This makes me really sad. I don't want my friend to die. I feel helpless not being able to help her, or even spend time with her (being so far away). I'm trying to think of what I can do for her or maybe there's something I can send her, but I got nuthin'.

So I was wondering if you'd join me in giving a shout out to her. We're thinking of you, L.! Sending positive, healing thoughts your way. May you find strength and comfort knowing you're thought of and loved.